Not That Kind of Girl: A Young Woman Tells You What She's "Learned"

By Lena Dunham and Joana Avillez

#1 NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER • Includes two new essays!

NAMED ONE OF THE TEN BEST BOOKS OF THE YEAR BY MICHIKO KAKUTANI, THE NEW YORK TIMES • NAMED ONE OF THE BEST BOOKS OF THE YEAR BY BUZZFEED, THE GLOBE AND MAIL, AND LIBRARY JOURNAL

For readers of Nora Ephron, Tina Fey, and David Sedaris, this hilarious, wise, and fiercely candid collection of personal essays establishes Lena Dunham—the acclaimed creator, producer, and star of HBO’s Girls—as one of the most original young talents writing today.
 
In Not That Kind of Girl, Dunham illuminates the experiences that are part of making one’s way in the world: falling in love, feeling alone, being ten pounds overweight despite eating only health food, having to prove yourself in a room full of men twice your age, finding true love, and most of all, having the guts to believe that your story is one that deserves to be told.
 
“Take My Virginity (No Really, Take It)” is the account of Dunham’s first time, and how her expectations of sex didn’t quite live up to the actual event (“No floodgate had been opened, no vault of true womanhood unlocked”); “Girls & Jerks” explores her former attraction to less-than-nice guys—guys who had perfected the “dynamic of disrespect” she found so intriguing; “Is This Even Real?” is a meditation on her lifelong obsession with death and dying—what she calls her “genetically predestined morbidity.” And in “I Didn’t F*** Them, but They Yelled at Me,” she imagines the tell-all she will write when she is eighty and past caring, able to reflect honestly on the sexism and condescension she has encountered in Hollywood, where women are “treated like the paper thingies that protect glasses in hotel bathrooms—necessary but infinitely disposable.”
 
Exuberant, moving, and keenly observed, Not That Kind of Girl is a series of dispatches from the frontlines of the struggle that is growing up. “I’m already predicting my future shame at thinking I had anything to offer you,” Dunham writes. “But if I can take what I’ve learned and make one menial job easier for you, or prevent you from having the kind of sex where you feel you must keep your sneakers on in case you want to run away during the act, then every misstep of mine will have been worthwhile.”

Praise for Not That Kind of Girl
 
“The gifted Ms. Dunham not only writes with observant precision, but also brings a measure of perspective, nostalgia and an older person’s sort of wisdom to her portrait of her (not all that much) younger self and her world. . . . As acute and heartfelt as it is funny.”—Michiko Kakutani, The New York Times
 
“It’s not Lena Dunham’s candor that makes me gasp. Rather, it’s her writing—which is full of surprises where you least expect them. A fine, subversive book.”—David Sedaris
 
“This book should be required reading for anyone who thinks they understand the experience of being a young woman in our culture. I thought I knew the author rather well, and I found many (not altogether welcome) surprises.”—Carroll Dunham
 
“Witty, illuminating, maddening, bracingly bleak . . . [Dunham] is a genuine artist, and a disturber of the order.”—The Atlantic

• Language: English
• Publisher: Random House Publishing Group
• Release date: Sep 30, 2014
• ISBN: 9780812995008

Lena Dunham

Lena Dunham is the creator and star of the critically-acclaimed HBO series Girls, for which she also serves as executive producer, writer and director. She has been nominated for 8 Emmy awards and has won 2 Golden Globes, including Best Actress, for her work on Girls. Lena has also written and directed two feature length films (including 2011's TINY FURNITURE), created two web series, and is a frequent contributor to the The New Yorker. Lena graduated from Oberlin College in 2008.

Reviews for Not That Kind of Girl

[mhanover10 · Rating: 1 out of 5 stars]

I abandoned this book. I tried to listen but it was not good. Don't know what the hype was because it was boring. I would not waste any time on this if it's on your to read list.

[sadiebabie · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

My feelings on this are mixed. On one hand I love that Lena puts out there things that I have also thought/done/said. I think it's important that women are reflected honestly in society, and that means even the less than perfect bits. Body image, sex, insecurities - it's brave for a woman to unashamedly own her realness. I know that's kind of her thing though, so maybe it isn't as brave for her when it's part of her brand. But it's still very exciting to me. But then on the other hand Lena has lead a life I can't fully relate to, one of connections and money and certain opportunities. And it isn't jealousy that stops me engaging with that, but something else...maybe just plain dislike. I don't know, but I did find some parts a bit of a turn off. I enjoyed it for what it was, laughed and nodded along with quite a lot of it, but I can see why other people really didn't like it. Though I don't understand this need for people to make her a scapegoat for the (appalling) under representation of POC in art. Yes, her show has contributed to it, but it's a very small fish in a whopping great big ocean and I don't think it means the other things she has to say are not valid. One voice can't say everything, and there are ways to open the eyes of those in the position to make changes without attacking that person.

[batgrlgothamcity-1 · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

I found it hard to follow along at times, like it just jumped from one story to a different one and back.

[jamiebh-1 · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

I wanted to love this but found myself underwhelmed for the majority of the book. perhaps I built it up too much prior to the release. I might be back for a proper review but for now I'll leave this placeholder.

[uberbutter · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

Love Lena Dunham's television series, Girls. Didn't love this book as much as I hopes. She is definitely honest and kudos to that but I had trouble getting into it at some points. Listened to the audio version, read my the author, and it was quick "read" at least.

[citizenjoyce · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

Most of this autobiography was depressing as the first season of Girls. Dunham recounts a time when she was 5 years old and accompanied by her little 4 year old friend at one of her father's art exhibits. An older woman asks them what their parents do to punish them if they're bad. The friend says that she's given a time out. Dunham says, "my father sticks a fork in my vagina." If you find that humorous, you'll really like the book. Dunham's parents are artists, and I looked up their work. Her father paints mostly pictures of big pink vaginas, most of them not in anatomically correct positions, some hanging down like penises. She says her mother took lots of nude selfies and turned them into art, but the ones I saw were of naked legs with objects instead of bodies. Not quite the same thing. Anyway, perhaps with this kind of background one would expect Dunham to have an accepting view of her body, which she does show in her nonchalance about nudity in movies. However, when it comes to enjoying reciprocal sexual relations she seems every bit as uptight as a teenage fundamentalist getting a purity ring from her daddy at a virginity ball. The reason I finally started liking Girls in the third season, and the reason the book finally became a good read, is that she talks about making it in her work. She is a big success and has finally developed quite a work ethic, but boy, she is not cut out to be anyone's employee. Artist to the core, I'm glad she's finally getting the sex part right.

[kateminasian · Rating: 1 out of 5 stars]

Not worth the hype. A bunch of navel gazing by Dunham, and only funny in the awkward, "I'm not sure I should be laughing at this" kind of way. I only finished it to make sure that I wasn't judging prematurely - unfortunately I discovered I wasn't.

[amaryann21 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

I can't say that I always agree with Lena Dunham, but I agree with her approach to a lot of things. She's incapable of not sharing and uncomfortable with secrets and this is not for attention, it's how she ticks. She knows she doesn't have everything figured out and that is empowering for her, rather than holding her back. She's got a lot of fears but she confronts them and sees where the road takes her. And she's damn funny when she does it. This is not a book for everyone and if you don't like Dunham, you'll probably hate it. I like that she's in her mid-20's and not sure where she goes from here, but she's excited about it. I like that she owns her past and realizes she's made mistakes, will make more, and hasn't learned all her lessons yet. She feels so REAL, and I think that's the biggest thing she's trying to convey. Watching someone embrace their flaws, not glorifying them, just recognizing they're part of being human, is refreshing.

[milda8tx · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

Entertaining, if you can stomach this self-absorbed, privileged personality. Was looking for more stories of movie/tv business - or of a grown-up Lena. Hoping my daughter will skip the college chapter/essay, because clearly Ms. Dunham is not a role model for earnest students.

[mediapuzzle · Rating: 2 out of 5 stars]

Im a big fan of Girls so I had to read this book. While I didn't find the writing as edgy as the Girls stuff I did read the whole book admittedly skimming the less interesting bits. Ms Dunham is at her best when writing in the same zone as the Girls material ie: young woman navigates relationships. The bio stuff of her younger years was not that interesting. She definitely has a unique voice and some of it is very funny. Worthwhile, but be prepared to skim stuff (eg:food diary)

[mjlivi · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

I really liked this. Sure, it's a bit shallow at times and there are sections that probably didn't need to be included (some of the listicles in particular struck me as blog posts on the page), but her honesty, likeability and wit make this super entertaining. If you don't care for Girls then you won't care for this, but it's a great plane read and one that left me liking Dunham even more than I did before reading it.

There are quite a few really bad reviews and I can see their points - it is a bit narcissistic and Dunham doesn't always seem aware just how privileged she is - but her ambition, honesty and energy won me over. It's very much a 'twenties' book - it will be interesting to see Dunham goes in the years ahead.

[phoebekw · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

Funny, honest, earnest, and awkward: Lena over-shares all over the page and I thoroughly enjoyed it.

[justacatandabook · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

Full disclosure about my review of this book: I have always just liked Lena Dunham and harbored secret fantasies of us becoming friends. I'm sure this influenced my review somewhat. I'll admit that I would have liked to have read a bit more about how she got into the business, versus just random thoughts, but I also recognize that wasn't really the purpose of this particular book.

I also had to remind myself that Lena comes from the oversharing generation. There is a lot in this book that could potentially make you cringe, but if you know her work on Girls or anything else, it won't really come as a surprise. Overall, I found her writing style easy to read, and interesting, if not particularly amazing. I also enjoyed the chance to see any parallels between her life and Girls.

If this hadn't been an ebook I borrowed from the library, I definitely would have dog-eared some of the pages where she talks about how a woman deserves to be treated. There's certainly a lot to be learned from many of her pages, and I found a lot of what she said to be fascinating, if not disturbing, at times.

It was an easy, quick read and gave me some good insight into her life. (And I still want to be friends with her. And Lamby.)

[narshkite · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

I have come to hate the word "privilege" when it crops up in reviews. Privilege is a thing we need to understand and rage against when white men get month long sentences for rape and black women get 20 year sentences for selling weed. But the word privilege in book reviews is slung around to support the position that white people who are educated and not poor are irrelevant, that they have nothing to share. What a crock of shit. This is an honest well written book about an interesting young woman who is paradoxically really fucked up and admirably grounded. Good stuff.

[timswings · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

A funny and authentic voice of one of the young generation women, who want to be themselves. It made me understand my daughter of 21 better.

[bobbieharv · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Had to put her name in the tags because it's so much Lena Dunham - in fact, if you're a fan of the TV show (as I am), that says it all. I loved this book except for the chapters that were lists - fillers, in other words. Her writing is so direct and honest - as someone who's nude on TV a lot would have to write I guess. The parts about her anxiety were riveting and painful.So it would be a 5 except for the lists.

[katesene · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Dunham is the voice of her generation.

[laurustina · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

I'm wavering on this one. Parts of it deserved a 5 but other bits were less inspiring. Like everything else Lena Dunham writes, it's funny, wrenching and raw. The little indulgences (unsent letters and such) aren't bad, but the narrative time-traveling is at times jarring. Still, it's Lena, with all her faults and charms, saying the shit we never dared to.

[kaylaraeintheway · Rating: 2 out of 5 stars]

I wanted to like this book a lot more than I did. I mean, look at that cover! It's so aesthetically pleasing (and I'm all about aesthetically pleasing book covers).But, alas, I found myself disliking this book for pretty much the same reasons why I dislike Dunham's HBO show Girls: she's incredibly self-centered, views the world only through her specific experiences and gets upset when things are not as she would like them, and lives in a weird nightmare land of a privileged New York upbringing combined with a therapist and self-diagnosed neuroses. Honestly, I'm wondering why I ever thought I would enjoy this collection of essays and lists in the first place...I'm sounding pretty harsh. I did enjoy the cute little illustrations throughout the book. I laughed at a few places, mostly during her aforementioned lists. Her final essay on a guide to running away for a 27 year old resonated a bit with me...but most of the time I just found myself rolling my eyes at what she had to say about topics such as sex, medical disorders, college life, and being an adult. I applaud Dunham for being able to turn her little bubble into a profitable form of self-reflection and confirmation, but it is unfortunately all too laughably immature and annoying for my taste. As a woman fast approaching my mid-20's, I'm appalled that someone who has had so much opportunity to experience life and the world and who has had so much success is stuck in her teens/early 20's. I just...ugh. The more I type, the more annoyed/angry I get. So I'll just leave it at that.The aesthetically pleasing cover is incentive enough for me to keep this book...to the used bookstore it goes!

[deborahk_44 · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

There were moments of clever brilliance here, but much of it was filler for a book meant to exploit the writer's current popularity. I'm an admirer of Lena Dunham, but I was unimpressed with her top ten lists - not that funny. I did appreciate the several pages of revealing and thought provoking observations and I also liked the illustrations.

[ijustgetbored · Rating: 1 out of 5 stars]

In which I learned that, whatever kind of girl* Dunham is, I'm not.*I'm not clear what kind of girl she is, but, admittedly, I did end up skimming many of the essays.

[wagner5sarah35 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

I'm not certain what the male opinion of this book would be, but I can say that as a young woman, Lena Dunham's book truly resonated with me. My experiences have been different from hers, but so much of what she speaks about is true of an entire generation and the world in which we inhabit today. Being a college graduate but not having a "real" job, struggles with dieting and losing weight, and figuring out sex and relationships. These are not unique struggles, but Lena Dunham explores them in a honest, sometimes humorous style, that is easy to relate to. I would highly recommend this book to any young woman of my generation.

[klack128-1 · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

Oh Lena Dunham....why can't I decide how I feel about you?! I really struggle with admiring her audacity and really just thinking she's kind of insane. This book did little to make that struggle lessen any.

On the one hand, I really do applaud Dunham's honesty. She truly embraces who she is--flaws and all-- and there are moments in this autobiography where she really exposes her vulnerability. This really makes her seem more human and relatable than she so often does. The section where she discusses being raped felt very honest, even more so because she seemed unable to just come out and say what happened to her. Yes, she did this artfully, but it also seemed like a way to still somehow lessen what happened--almost as though she were still trying to make excuses for something inexcusable that was done to her.

She is very open, also, about her struggles with anxiety and mental illness, which I appreciated. She discussed her experiences with therapy, and the ways in which her anxiety set her apart from her peers from a very early age.

While all of this is noteworthy and admirale, though, there are times when it also seems that Dunham is completely oblivious to the life of privilege that she has always led. To hear her talk, it seems that she is shocked to discover a world outside Manhattan. Anything that is not New York may as well not exist, and those of us who did not grow up in that magical world must not know what it is to truly live. Okay, so maybe that's a bit harsh--but her love of her hometown does seem to exceed typical hometown pride

There are also other moments in the book where she does not seem to realize that what she's describing is not anything like most people's typical experiences growing up. At least, they're nothing like mine. There's the much-maligned section about her vying for her sister's affection. Did I think that was super weird? Absolutely. Do I think she sexually molested her sister? No. I really just think she doesn't realize that that behavior is not the kind most children exhibit.

The autobiography was refreshing in the sense that it did make me realize that Lena herself is not ENTIRELY her character on Girls, although her experiences have definitely colored Hannah's. I was afraid that I would read "Not That Kind of Girl" and realize that Lena IS Hannah, which may have killed my faith in humanity.

I don't know that I learned much from Dunham's lessons, but I did enjoy her tale, even as it made me squirm at times and be VERY glad it wasn't my own.

[dele2451 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

If a book can make you grimace and laugh and think about the world just a little differently (sometimes all on the same page), I believe it is worth reading. Lena Dunham has given us such a book. I've never even seen her show "Girls", but I'm going to check that out next.

[sj1335 · Rating: 2 out of 5 stars]

I've never watched her show on HBO but I will be, that's for sure!I absolutely loved her essays and great wit, she is very honest in regards to her flaws and phobias that we all had issues with. I really enjoyed this book and hope she'll find time to write more

[kiddboyblue · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

Probably my least favorite memoir I've read in awhile. It felt very scattered and off balance. There was no rhyme or reason to much of her story. Just disconnected stories from her life that sometimes were kind of funny, but mostly I just sort of thought....OK.There was virtually nothing about how "Girls" came about and also none of the humor or wit that I see in the writing of that show. This one was a pretty big let down for me. After finishing this I'm still not sure what kind of girl Lena Dunham isn't.

[xleptodactylous · Rating: 1 out of 5 stars]

White girl wrote a book.

[swati.ravi · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

I found myself liking Lena Dunham immensely. Funny, sharp and conflicted, this is the kind of girl you want to call over for a feminist girls' pajama party. She's really fabulous. More power to her.

[jolenaryan · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

This is a sophisticated coming of age autobiography for young women. Lena Dunham tells about all of her personal experiences regarding sex, self image and learning to love yourself. The way she captures your attention is comforting and engaging. Definitely a great read of for young high school age readers. curricular connections; self esteem building exercises, life skills and therapeutic outlets. Understanding and working through personal struggles. Modern writing.

[st5croixsue · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

Lena Dunham is the creator, executive producer, writer, director, and actress of the HBO series Girls and this is a book of her personal essays on life, sexuality, dating, obsessions, anxiety and just about everything in between. It is creative, observant, and deeply funny while at the same time deeply sad. She is a creative force whether you appreciate her subject matter or not.