How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen

By H. Norman Wright

Yes, parents! It is possible to talk so both children and teens will listen to you. Take the frustration out of your interactions with your kids by learning Childspeak and Teenspeak. You can learn to package what you say in such a manner that kids and teens want to hear you. The communication principles found in this book are time-tested and proven approaches that will change and improve all family communication.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Baker Publishing Group
• Release date: Dec 9, 2010
• ISBN: 9781441267726

H. Norman Wright

H. Norman Wright is a well-respected Christian counselor who has helped thousands of people improve their relationships and deal with grief, tragedy, and more. A licensed marriage, family, and child therapist and certified trauma specialist, he has taught at Biola University and the Talbot School of Theology, given seminars, developed curriculum, and worked as a private practitioner. The author of more than ninety books, he resides in Bakersfield, California.

Book preview

Endnotes

CHAPTER 1

Discover Your Child’s

Uniqueness

It’s too bad there isn’t a beatitude for parents that says, Blessed is the flexible parent, for he or she will have the greatest opportunity to communicate with his or her child. Every child is unique. Each one is different. This is the way it should be. It is the way God created us.

When children are born, they come with an inheritance. It comes from the gene pool of each parent. It might not be seen at first, but it gradually unfolds. If you have three children, it’s as though you picked up one from Target, one from Nordstrom and one from JCPenney. They’re all different, aren’t they? Each child thinks differently, acts differently and communicates differently. Read how some parents describe their children:

• My daughter is a real space cadet. Sometimes I wonder what she uses for a brain.

• My son has a big mouth. He’s loud and goes on and on.

• I think my daughter is a hermit. I just can’t understand why she’s so quiet.

• My son can get lost between his bedroom and the kitchen, especially when I ask him to do something.

• My daughter talks first and thinks later.

• My kid is so picky. He’ll ask me the time, and I’ll say, ‘Oh, around four o’clock.’ Then he’ll say, ‘No, I want the exact time.’ What a pain.

• My daughter is so absentminded. She seems to be thinking about too many things at the same time.

• My daughter is way too sensitive. She always gets her feelings hurt.

• I wonder if my son has any feelings. He always has to be right, even when it makes his friends dislike him. But he doesn’t seem to care.

• My son is only seven. But even now he has a place for everything, and he isn’t satisfied unless everything is in its place before he goes to bed at night. Me? I let everything lie where it falls. But does he ever get after me about that!

• My teenage daughter is a procrastinator. She gets her work done eventually, but her last minute antics disrupt the whole family.

• I try to talk to my son, but he always changes the subject in the middle of the conversation. I sometimes wonder if his brain is stuck in neutral.

Did you notice some of the words used to describe the children—space cadet, big mouth, loud, hermit, lost, talks first and thinks later, picky, too sensitive, procrastinator, changes the subject? Do these words sound negative or positive? Are these traits you would want to change in your child, or could you accept them? What if each trait or characteristic is the way God uniquely created your child, and it’s your task to understand your child?

UNIQUE BEHAVIORS AND PERSONALITIES

Children have quirks of behavior and personality that at times irritate their parents. Yet in most cases the problem isn’t that children are bad; it’s simply that their responses and thought patterns are different from their parents’.

You get frustrated because you can’t understand why your child isn’t more like you. Trying to change your child’s personality to match yours is as pointless and futile as trying to change your child’s physical features to make him or her look like you. The key to reducing your frustration over your child’s quirks of behavior, and to communicate with him or her, is to understand and accommodate your child’s unique personality style.

Every child is predisposed toward certain personality characteristics. These leanings reflect his or her genetic inheritance, birth order and early environment. A child’s personality traits direct his or her preferences for responding to life and his or her communication style—much like a child’s handedness directs his or her preference for completing manual tasks. For instance, just because a child is right-handed, doesn’t mean the child never uses his or her left hand. The child may prefer his or her right hand strongly, rarely using his or her left hand. Or the child may be more ambidextrous and use his or her left hand for several tasks. The more the child practices his or her handedness preference, the more the child relies on it with confidence. Similarly, the more a child responds in line with his or her personality predisposition, the stronger that style becomes in the child.¹

In Psalm 139:14 (NIV), read King David’s words: I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful. Christians believe that every person is made in the image of God and is of infinite worth and value. Every person is unique. Yet most parents find it much easier to value the aspects of their children that are similar to their own. I’ve heard parents remark, Tommy is just like me, but I’m not sure where Jill came from. She is so different from the rest of us.

Unique Differences

What is the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word different? Are the meanings you associate with different primarily positive or negative? If I were to approach you on the street and say, You sure look different today, would you think I was giving you a compliment and reply, Well, thank you very much, or would you think that I was being critical?

Every person is different. Yet

often those differences are not

understood or valued by others.

Different suggests a deviation from some kind of standard or norm. It suggests that something is not quite the way it usually is or the way it should be. Many people interpret different to mean unusual, inappropriate, inferior or wrong. If I said, You sure look like a deviate, you would know that I was being negative and critical.

On the other hand, what do you think of when you hear the word unique or special? Do you tend to have a more positive response to those terms? Every person is different. Yet often those differences are not understood or valued by others.

Replicated scientific research has shown that infants show significant individual differences from birth. We know that infants are born with unique temperamental characteristics, behavior traits and ways of responding to external stimuli. Some distinguishing characteristics include their ability levels, needs and feelings. Because every infant has a unique way of interacting with his or her environment, every parent must understand and relate to the infant’s uniqueness.

Intelligence Differences

Children come with different personalities and different types of intelligence. Are you aware of the eight kinds of intelligence, and the fact that each child is born with a unique distribution of each? Some of these intelligence types may surprise you:

1. Some children have strong emotional intelligence and have a unique ability to establish and maintain healthy relationships with others and themselves. They’re able to handle feelings and empathize.

2. Those who have strong academic intelligence do well in school, for they can sit, listen, learn, absorb and comprehend. Yet it doesn’t mean they can apply all this knowledge or use it constructively in life.

3. There is physical intelligence. These children do well at sports, as well as maintain their bodies in a positive way.

4. Some children are gifted with creative intelligence and have a more developed imagination. When the imagination is stimulated, it grows. They often think differently, are more original and create in their own way.

5. Other children have artistic intelligence and are interested in drawing, writing, acting, singing, playing an instrument and so on.

6. Commonsense intelligence reflects children who want the practical rather than the intellectual. They want what is relevant and useful. They want to apply what works.

7. Intuitive intelligence is seen in children who just know things. Information simply comes to them rather than being taught or told. They have a sixth sense and can understand information without having to study all the details.

8. Some children have gifted intelligence. They are good at certain types of intelligence, but not as good at others. It seems that all their eggs end up in one basket. They may need to develop their special skills, as well as get help for the other kinds of intelligence.

In which of these types of intelligence is your child gifted? Remember that two children who are gifted in the same area of intelligence will reflect it differently because of variables such as personality and environment. For example, what if one child is an extrovert and the other child is an introvert?

Most important, if a child focuses only on his or her strengths, the child misses out on other parts of life, which creates imbalance. Our task as parents is not to fall into the trap of encouraging our children’s strength alone but to encourage other areas as well.

Learning Differences

Children are different in other ways such as speed of learning. For example, it seems that some children possess their type of intelligence from birth. They are born with their one or two areas of giftedness already developed. Other children may be gradual learners, while some children are late bloomers.

Some people call children who fall into one of these three kinds of learning runners, walkers and jumpers:

1. A runner is given a new task and understands it immediately. This child learns quickly, but to stay interested and involved, he or she needs

Reviews for How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen

[abbieriddle · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

I am a fan of H. Norman Wright and was excited to finally get this book. I am a mother of four children - and as all parents know each child is drastically different. My first was a difficult baby and toddler but by far exceeds maturity and grace at the age of ten. My next to youngest however was a "perfect" baby that turned into a difficult 3 and now four year old. His quick temper and angry outburst make it difficult to talk him through things. In fact both of my boys are somewhat this way. I become so used to being able to reason with my oldest, to explain consequences and know she would choose the right path that I was, and am still to a certain extent, thrown off balance with my boys and youngest feisty girl. Being thrown off balance I began to yell or slam my hand down on a surface to get attention - then I would threaten, threaten, threaten. Over and over my husband said to follow through - but honestly I stayed worn out as a stay at home mom and home school teacher. Seemed my whole day revolved around upheaval.

This book was excellent at bringing out solid points on communicating with each child on their terms while showing respect and getting getting respect for your authority. I enjoyed this book very much and have found it helpful - Though to be honest I am having to keep it handy for review and not shelved just yet.

Thank you Gospel Light for this review copy.

[toby.neal · Rating: 2 out of 5 stars]

Nothing revolutionary and fairly predictable but it does contact on some helpful practical examples and tools to use with your kids and teenagers. It’s a Christian book but at times misuses scripture and at other times just quotes lists of scriptures without drawing out their significance. It’s worth skimming and pausing when you get to the examples of conversations to apply to your own family.