Three's a crowd

By Eliza Hopkins

Michelle is a young woman drawn into a world she knows little about. A world she feels she has no choice to live in, a world in which, at first, makes her lose her sexual inhibitions, finding out about sex, life and possibly love. A world which then becomes a nightmare, as near tragedy strikes for herself and others caught up in this life.....

• Language: English
• Publisher: Eliza Hopkins
• Release date: Jul 23, 2014
• ISBN: 9781501483264

Book preview

Three’s a crowd

Scuttling, scuttling, that’s all I could hear, that along with the ringing in my ears. Sometimes the dripping from a distant tap, but mainly that horrible noise cockroaches make when they are going about their business. It was 5.49am and dawn was just breaking, another 11 minutes of tranquillity and peace, aside from the cockroaches, until I would be forced into my daily routine which had been my daily routine for.....I wasn’t exactly sure how long for, how could I? I mean I had been certified, and people like me now could hardly remember how much time had passed since they had been given the rubber stamp of madness could they......

‘I like to eat them slowly, preferably when they still have some life left in them, oh yeah they taste sooo good Ha ha!’ ‘Well you haven’t done a very good job have you? Seen as there’s still lots of them running around this God forsaken place.’ I made my usual breakfast acquaintance Roger contort his face so he looked even uglier than usual, which I wouldn’t have thought possible unless I’d actually witnessed it with my own eyes. He now left the breakfast table and scuttled off like one of those cockroaches, as I got a tongue lashing of sorts from my other usual breakfast buddy, while still wondering whether cockroaches were an ideal topic of conversation at this, or any other time of day.

‘Why, why do, do, do, you....er...wind him up so much Michelle?’ I sighed and couldn’t help feel sorry for John, not just because of his stammer, stutter, or whatever it was, but because every time I looked into his eyes he just looked like he didn’t belong in here. Some people did belong here, I just knew they did, however cruel that sounded, but not John, and possibly not me, but I hadn’t worked that out yet, and maybe I never would......

I answered John in the nicest way I could. ‘Because he deserves it.......don’t you think he deserves it?’ I now instantly regretted having asked that, not least because it could have taken John half an hour to reply, but mostly because it probably confused the hell out of an already terribly lost and confused soul. Before he had time to think about an answer, I kissed him on the cheek and stroked his hair, luckily out of view of the wardens, as I made my way back to my ‘cell.’

I had an ‘appointment’ with the priest at 8, and why 8 in the morning?! God how I hated our little chats, about said ’God’ which mainly consisted of me trying to disprove ‘he’ ‘it’ ever existed, mainly just to piss him off, to try to get some amusement out of all of this. It was quite ironic really, I took him to task about that, when I spent most of my nights praying, clasping my hands and closing my eyes like I used to in Sunday school, and saying words that somehow I was desperate to believe in, but in my mixed up head, were no doubt taken by the Almighty as empty and hollow, perhaps not worthy.

‘Good morning Miss Holmes, the Lord himself wishes you the very same greeting on a particularly beautiful morning, which let us not forget, ‘he’ himself created.’ ‘He does? Well why doesn’t ‘he’ wish it to me personally then? You know, doesn’t have to be in person so to speak, ‘phone call or whatever, that will do nicely.’ My smile was quite genuine, even if I was getting pretty tired of all this now, the priests’ smile was through gritted teeth as per usual whenever I tried getting under his skin. ‘We do like our little jokes do we not Miss Holmes.’

‘We do yes don’t we, although I’m not sure the good Lord has a particularly strong sense of humour to be honest, not his cup of tea maybe.......’ ‘There’s a time and place Miss Holmes, there’s a time and place for everything.’ ‘Everything? That’s interesting, does that include sex out of wedlock? Pretty sure the Lord Almighty frowns upon such terrible acts, along with thousands of others no doubt.......’ The priest, who I still didn’t know by name even though I’d been having the pleasure of regular visits for far too long now, narrowed his eyes, let out a soft sigh, then tilted his head and gave me a beaming smile, which somehow made me feel guilty about the crap I was giving him.

‘What’s your name?’ My question seemed to have flustered him by his expression, which wasn’t my intention at all. ‘I’m.....i’m not actually allowed to give you my name, it’s not allowed......it’s not important.’ ‘Not allowed! Well who’s going to know?!’ ‘Really, it’s not important, now if we can get back to what I’m......what we’re supposed to be talking about?’ ‘What, my trying to kill myself whenever it was?’ The priest now stared deep into my eyes, his crystal clear icy blues eyes seemed cold at first, but not anymore, they seemed warm and forgiving, or maybe that was what I wanted them to seem like.

For some reason as I looked at him, all I could think about was sex, it had been months since I had any physical contact, and for want of a better word, I felt horny, pure and simple. He was actually quite an attractive man, probably the type I would have gone for, the type I did used to go for when I was ‘normal’ whatever that actually meant. My mind now went back, inevitably, as I tried to push the wanting of a man of the cloth to the back of my mind. ‘We do seem to be going round and around in circles here Miss Holmes do we not? You are in here for your own good, your own safety, your own protection.’ I didn’t give the priest an immediate reply.

‘Why do you insist on calling me Miss Holmes all the time?! You know my name’s Michelle, why be so formal and stuffy all the time for God’s sake! Ooops, I’ve taken the Lord’s name in vain haven’t I, perhaps you’ll have to punish me, maybe put me over your knee and spank me......!’

The priest now licked his lips as presumably his mouth was getting drier by the second, just like his cheeks were getting rosier by the second. ‘I can see that today is not going to be a productive day for either of us, so I shall cut this visit short and hope our next encounter is more.......enriching, for both of us’ With this, he virtually ran to the door and proceeded to press the button which alerts the warden with such force I was sure it would explode! ‘Warden, warden! My time is done here, please let me out!’ ‘Ok ok, hold your horses!’ As the warden did indeed do as the priest had requested, I had a strange smile on my face, and a strange feeling inside, like I just didn’t know what the hell to think anymore, about anything, about all of this, this crazy messed up situation which I couldn’t even remember how it started, still thinking whether I actually deserved to be in here or not......

‘Holmes, Holmes! Time for your meds, want no shit from you, still got the bruises from last time!’ ‘Yeah yeah, you’re such a drama queen Fletch, all you yanks are the same, anyway, you and me both know it was your wife who gave you those, serves you right for being so rough with her!’ ‘Bitch likes it rough Holmes, the rougher the better, all you bitches like that now, you say you don’t but us men know you really do.......good girl Holmes, no shit from you makes my day go faster and sweeter, you’re probably gonna need a nap pretty soon, docs’ upped your dosage, don’t ask me why, I’m just the messenger, take it up with him when he comes ‘round later on.’

‘What?! Why?! Hey you can’t just say that Fletch!’ All I needed, as if I wasn’t drugged up enough, why the hell had my dosage been increased?! Did this mean I wasn’t getting better? I was getting worse then, must have been. My head now hurt, it felt sore, I felt sore, I closed my eyes and lay on my bed. All I could see was the priests’ blue eyes staring back at me, which seemed to soothe my hurting head, as I sighed and drifted off to sleep........

THREE MONTHS EARLIER

‘Wow Michelle, that’s quite an interesting exclamation so soon in our session!’ I nervously chewed my nails, they were pretty much down to the quick, but there was just enough to satisfy, then it would have to be skin and the inevitable bleeding. I laughed a nervous laugh and tried to avoid eye contact. ‘You’re doing really well, honestly, I’ve had previous patients who....’ ‘Oh come on please! I shrieked. ‘How much do you get an hour for this?! It’s like one minute you’re trying to be my friend, ‘Wow Michelle?!’ Then it’s all clichéd bullshit like when I first came in, what am I doing here.....I could just walk out, I mean you can’t actually stop me, can you?!’

‘No, no I can’t stop you, and wouldn’t want to, that’s your right to do that if you wish.’ ‘Aren’t you not supposed to talk about previous patients anyway, like a confidentiality thing or whatever?!’ ‘I wasn’t actually going to be specific, as in naming names, I was just going to use a general term as an example.’ ‘As an example of how well I was doing, yeah right.’ ‘When was the last time you spoke to your parents?’ I sighed and looked directly above me, watching the fan blades slowly do their thing, which made me slightly giddy and sick, but also made me feel slightly less anxious.

‘I really don’t know, I don’t keep a record of such mundane nonsense as speaking to Mum & Dad.’ I paused and watched the psychiatrist write something down with her expensive looking pen. ‘What the hell are you writing, I didn’t answer your question?!’ I looked her in the eye with a look of exasperation, then looked away and felt slightly guilty. ‘Yesterday morning, not sure what time exactly.’ She now proceeded to look down at her notes and to write again.

‘You wanna talk about how that actually went, do you remember any of the conversation?’ I laughed out loud and shook my head vigorously. ‘Ohh you know, the usual, you’ve gone too far this time ‘chelle, don’t know how many times we’ve tried with you, but God knows have we tried blah blah blah......’ I now burst out laughing, full on belly laughter, bordering on hysterical. The psychiatrist now smiled a mocking smile, or at least that was how I perceived it be. ‘This situation, it’s not as bad as you may perceive it to be, I know that may sound a little trite....’ ‘A little?! Jesus! How long have you been in this profession?! I swear to God I could do better myself, let’s swap chairs that’s my solution!’

‘The problem with suicide is, it’s a very selfish act, obviously, but in my humble opinion, it isn’t obvious to the ones’ trying to take their lives, robbing the people who care about them, stealing from them.....have you ever stolen from someone close to you Michelle?’ For the first time I’d been in here, the psychiatrist now sounded quite cold, just different to how she had sounded before.

‘Of course I have stolen from someone yes....hasn’t everyone?!’ I now got another mocking smile back, and for the first time I felt quite irritated by her, maybe even a little threatened. ‘You see that’s what selfish people do Michelle, they deflect blame away from themselves by bringing other people into situations. Did I ask you about other people?’ ‘No, but so what?! I bet you stole from your parents as a kid, like I said we all have!’ ‘Well that’s quite a grand sweeping statement you have made there, with no real hard evidence to back it up, and I never mentioned your parents, did I? Did you feel guilty when you stole? What did you steal Michelle?’ ‘I don’t know, I can’t remember specifics!’ ‘What was it, money, chocolate, wearing Mum’s jewellery perhaps?’ ‘Well that wouldn’t be classed as stealing would it?!’

‘So it was jewellery then.’ ‘No! I never said that did I?!’ ‘Guilt has a nasty habit of playing with peoples’ memories half the time, just makes things a little hazy to recollect, pain in the arse for my job!’ The psychiatrist now laughed, a genuine, normal sounding kind of laugh, the one she probably did around her own family, the family in pictures all over her desk. Her words and the way she laughed took me completely by surprise. ‘I’ll give you an example of stealing shall I, you stealing money off my Dad while I’m in here, that’s stealing!’ The psychiatrist now looked down at her notes and began thumbing through them, while I thought of my Dad, indeed paying for this session and no doubt the countless