Master of the Etrax

By Robert Lory

For Aufcash III, High Hodgepoker of Balik Trovo, the magical Etrax of Overnon is a must-have. Thus, for Hamper, official However to the throne, the legendary jewel becomes a must-get--or become food for three deadly, fanged fliers whose mission is to keep him on a straight path. But the path is less than straight. Diversions include home-grown assassins, mountain bandits, insistent naval recruiters, a ravenous dragon, cannibalistic pirates, a spiteful sorceress and a treacherous genie. And then there’s Overnon itself, where awaiting him are the Four Perils and, worse, the Hag Who Rules. Wish him luck.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Jul 12, 2014
• ISBN: 9781483532790

Book preview

Etrax

1. The However to the Task

The space under the Lady Ulla’s bed made for cramped quarters. In the first place, the space itself was not overly large. In the second place, though not great in physical stature as a whole, the belly of Hamper, However of Balik, was not overly small. In the third, jammed between the court official’s peg leg and a flat trunk at the bed foot were several discarded articles of the lady’s clothing and the However’s twenty-seven-string lutar on which, until moments before, he’d been accompanying himself in woeful tune.

It was moments before that the voice of Trowl, Suggestor in the court of Balik and husband to the Lady Ulla, was heard in the room anterior to the bedroom that contained the bed under which scurried the songster, breaking off in midsong.

The Lady Ulla, deciding time was too short to cover her more than ample and stark naked charms, smiled with full sweetness as her bottom bounced playfully on the mattress which, descending under the impact, drove the lobe of Hamper’s left ear painfully into his temple and his peg leg into the strings of his lutar.

Welcome, husband, she said joyfully over the notes of the instrument. You are home unexpected, but I assure you that my heart leaps with anticipation at the probable purpose which brought you hither.

The scowl on the Suggestor’s face lessened in intensity. I fear I must disappoint you, my heartmate. I’ve come to our apartments merely to gather my charts. The High Hodgepoker has called his council to the Table of Decision.

So late in the afternoon? You’ll not be there long, I pray. I truly yearn for your company.

I have noted your feverish expression, Trowl said hurriedly. I shall return as soon as it becomes possible. Where are those blasted charts? He advanced to the bed. Perhaps in this trunk—

Again the Lady Ulla bounced a painful bounce on the mattress. I warn you, husband. If I get my hands on you, you’ll attend no meeting today, she cooed.

Trowl considered the prospect briefly. Ah. perhaps they are not here after all. What sound is that I hear?

Sound, my love?

Sound. Like a musical note or two. On a harp or lutar. Which reminds me—did I not hear a lutar-singer somewhere nearby as I entered our apartments?

The Lady Ulla blushed. It is merely the music in my love-starved heart that you hear.

It truly beats out a strange tune, my lady was the Suggestor’s scowling comment as he left the bedroom.

It is unfair, the lady complained as Hamper with difficulty extricated himself from under the bed.

The short, plump, young man with the peg leg attempted to arrange the thatch of strawlike hair that topped his round, pink, cherubic face.

I shall certainly be back to complete our business, he promised solemnly, taking from his person items of feminine garb that during his period of hiding had become entangled with his own. But, alas, Aufcash’s calling a council meeting means that I must also be in attendance.

And it means I shall have to spend the afternoon alone, she whined. Both my husband and secret lover—both prefer a boring meeting to my arms.

She could have added that a second secret lover would be at the meeting. Her present predicament was really all his fault, since he’d called the council together in the first place. But she did not think it prudent to mention these thoughts to the However.

At the Table of Decision in the ante-throne room of Castle Bolsk, Aufcash III, High Hodgepoker over Balik’s five provinces, concluded his opening remarks. Cocking his dignified head to his left, he gave the nod of speech allowance to the court’s Left-Hand Advocate, otherwise called the However.

Noble Aufcash, Hamper began once on his feet— or, rather, foot and peg leg—"it is true as you say that war is a noble enterprise. It is true as you say that our five provinces have not been engaged in such a noble enterprise since your illustrious ancestor, Aufcash I, overthrew the yoke of the Philosopher Rai, devil of devils. It is true as you say that peace rusts our weapons. However, while I certainly can understand how all of these truths can be unpleasant to a fierce and valiant warrior as you potentially are—however unproven—may I point out, Lord Hodgepoker, that no enemy has presented itself shields a-banging at the foot of Castle Bolsk. To make war may well be worthy—however, it requires a foe."

The High Hodgepoker nodded, then turned to his right. He nodded again, and recognizing the signal, a tall gaunt nobleman of past middle age, balding in three different areas of his head, rose.

Nonetheless, said Nuygrov the Nonetheless, or Right-Hand Advocate, our High Hodgepoker’s arguments are weighty.

I do not deny that, replied Hamper. I would point out to you, however, that the snarl-mammoth is weighty also, this singular fact does not always assure he won’t misstep now and then and disappear into a crack in the earth.

Nonetheless, retorted Nuygrov, our High Hodgepoker wishes war.

A slight man sitting to the right of Nuygrov now rose. This was Melton the Moreover, or Assistant to the Right-Hand Advocate. There traditionally was no assistant to the Left-Hand Advocate.

Moreover—if I may add a word? he said inquiringly.

Do, urged Nuygrov.

Moreover, Melton began again, what the High Hodgepoker wishes, it is the duty of this council to bring to reality.

May I suggest to the council, said Trowl the Suggestor from the far end of the table, that we simply shall have to find an enemy worthy of Balik’s steel.

A sound suggestion, Hamper responded. "However, in such a quest it is possible to be oversuccessful and find an enemy which is more than worthy of Balik’s steel."

Silence greeted the However’s statement.

What I mean is this, Hamper said. Would you have us attack Truron? The march across the Bardar Crags, which separate our nations, would exhaust our forces. If you would make an enemy of Frei, we still would have to march across the mountains, then either cross Truron with our army—an event not likely to be greeted with enthusiasm in that country—or skirt around Truron into the Northern Wilds, which reportedly are inhospitable to human trespass. To launch an expedition against either Grath or Groth at the western reaches of the Little Sea requires a fleet somewhat more capable than that at our disposal. That, as far as I can see, leaves only the four-island domain of Thaas, which, being under the sway of cannibalistic pirates, would require even a more highly capable fleet to subdue.

Ignoring the frowns around the table, Hamper addressed himself directly to Aufcash III. Sire, to sum up, while agreeing to the fullest that we should engage in the noble activity of war, I can see no enemy on the face of Trovo against which it would be expeditious for us to battle.

Nonetheless, snapped Nuygrov, "there has to be somebody we can beat."

Someone worthy of us, moreover, added Melton.

Maps, ordered Aufcash III quietly.

Following a flurry of parchment around the table, the High Hodgepoker, after a brief study of the map before him, pointed to a spot in the center of the southeastern portion of the Little Sea. What is this?

The island of Quh, answered Trowl, leaning from his chair to better see his lord’s map. I suggest that be our target, sire—the island of Quh.

Quh? Quh? inquired Reath the Librarian. I know of no island called Quh. He spread several maps before the High Hodgepoker. Where is this land which is supposed to be near our shores?

Noble Aufcash has it on his map, Nuygrov explained. And obviously his map is superior to those you may have.

Reath rounded the table and followed Aufcash’s finger to the tiny island in the sea. Noting the legend on the map, he commented. This map was made by the traveler Sukkett. Though usually reliable, he is no more authoritative than those map-makers which I—

"Noble Aufcash has it on his map, Nuygrov repeated. That would appear to settle the matter."

As Reath retreated to his seat, Hamper noted the position of Quh on the Sukkett map. If it does exist, it looks small enough and not too distant from us. However, what do we know of its population, how many they are and what kind of people they are? Are they warlike or peaceful? Are they skilled at arms or, worse, in the magic arts? Do they have retaliatory power to devastate Balik in response to our attack? And what of the waters surrounding the island? Out there in the deeps there are rumors of monster serpents. These all are questions which should be answered before choosing Quh as our target.

Nonetheless, our High Hodgepoker has so chosen, responded Nuygrov.

"He may have, Hamper corrected. However, to conclude he has is the act of a logic-deficient. Our High Hodgepoker has not yet told us his choice—the island was merely suggested by Trowl."

Merely? Trowl shot out. May I remind the However that his office is far lower in status and seniority than that of Suggestor?

We need not argue, Aufcash III intoned. My decision is this: We shall boldly attack Quh when our preparations are completed.

Hah! sneered Nuygrov. Logic-deficient, indeed. Hamper’s face colored. Sire, a bold attack surely is honorable. However, should we not have more information on the nature of the enemy?

I suggest we send spies to Quh immediately, Trowl said.

Hamper frowned. Sound suggestion. We have, unfortunately, no spies capable of the job.

Moreover, added Melton, spying is not honorable.

Dunce! Nuygrov snapped. You are not assistant to the However but to me! In any event, it is not your place to decide what is honorable and what is not. If our High Hodgepoker wants spies sent to the island, spies will be sent—and honorably!

We have no spies, Aufcash III broke in. No, what is called for here is open warfare with no subterfuge, no sub-rosa methods. Man to man, sword to sword, hand to hand. We shall, in addition to our own bravery, require but one thing. We shall need some type of magical immunity to ensure that the man, sword, and hand that falls is the enemy’s and not ours.

A practical thought, sire, said Hamper. You may recall, however, that the practice of magic has been banned in Balik since the time of Aufcash I, who in fact decreed it so. Not that the decree was unwise, good sir, but it does effectively exclude our finding the kind of immunity you recommend.

Nonetheless, other lands are skilled in these matters, replied Nuygrov. We shall enlist the aid of one of those which might be friendly toward us.

I suggest we enlist the aid of Overnon and its ruler, the Hag-Who-Never-Dies, said Trowl.

Based on experience, Overnon is not a land overly friendly to visitors, Hamper pointed out. You will all surely recall that the four boon-seeking questers we’ve sent to that place over past years have been ungraciously cast from the heights of Mount Non, no doubt at the Hag’s command.

True, true, said Aufcash III I like the suggestion, though. It appeals to my sense of rightness. May I remind the council that this would be the fifth boon-seeker we’d be sending out. Five is a lucky number in Balik, stemming from the fact we have five provinces.

Moreover, said Melton, we have five fingers on each hand and five toes on each foot. The beam on his face wilted under Nuygrov’s cold stare.

Hamper’s face reddened. Seeking to cool his body if not his temper, he unbuttoned the front of his jacket. Sire, I beg leave to speak out. I cannot quarrel with the fact that five is a number with a great deal of fortuitous attachment—however, that truth holds good here in Balik. The Hag, we must remember, dwells not in Balik but southward where five may be no more fortuitous than four or three or—

He stopped. The men sitting around the table were looking at him queerly, some frowning, others grinning. All eyes seemed to be fixed upon his jacket front. When his own eyes dropped downward he saw the reason.

The large pink lace panties were positioned much like a dinner bib.

Aufcash III chortled. Pray continue, Left-Hand Advocate. It would be unchivalrous to allow to go on the thoughts which many among us may now be thinking concerning the fulsome-buttocked but unknown lady who has been successfully courted by the bachelor However.

A guffaw came from Throg, Armorer to the court. "Not completely unknown, my lord. The large letter U which appears to the bottom of the garment gives us a clue and a rather good one, there being but one lady at Castle Bolsk whose first name—"

I s-s-suggest— sputtered Trowl.

Aufcash III raised his hand, silencing his Suggestor. He then looked upon his Left-Hand Advocate— strangely, Hamper thought.

This is no time or place for personal matters to be discussed, he said quietly. "The matter at hand, however"—he smiled a brief smile—"is to decide whether or not we should send an emissary to Overnon.

Reviews for Master of the Etrax

[dinadansfriend · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

I'm not sure why I love this book, but the four stars are there. Mr. Lory comes from that small but skilled set of writers whose fantasy is somewhat satirical, and this is a book with a monstrous (but in a Good way!) shaggy dog ending, which, of course I can't discuss.