Kids! Are You Kidding Me!

By Caitlind L. Alexander

OK, we all know that kids can be funny. In this book three experienced writers have brought together their funniest stories involving kids. Laugh along with them as they romp through the zany things that kids do.
Here's what people are saying about Kids! Are You Kidding Me!
These ladies write with the wit and honesty that can get us all in trouble. They plunge head first into those embarrassing moments we've all suffered and come out caught on the other side. Relating to their humor is easy. We've all been there but not all of us can capture it in words like they do. Kudos and a gas mask to these gals.
DO NOT DRINK AND READ AT THE SAME TIME. SOME THINGS ARE NOT INTENDED TO BE SPEWED FROM THE NOSE.

• Language: English
• Publisher: LearningIsland.com
• Release date: Apr 16, 2014
• ISBN: 9781310866500

Caitlind L. Alexander

Caitlind Alexander is the author of over 60 books for children, including the Jamie and Kendall Broderick Mystery series, the 14 Fun Facts and 101 Fun Facts series, the Wonderful World of Animals Series, and the Miss Jones series.She lives in California where she loves to visit historic places and learn about new things. She also loves to travel and has been all over the world.

Book preview

OK, we all know that kids can be funny. In this book three experienced writers have brought together their funniest stories involving kids. Laugh along with them as they romp through the zany things that kids do.

Here's what people are saying about Kids! Are You Kidding Me!

These ladies write with the wit and honesty that can get us all in trouble. They plunge head first into those embarrassing moments we've all suffered and come out caught on the other side. Relating to their humor is easy. We've all been there but not all of us can capture it in words like they do. Kudos and a gas mask to these gals.

DO NOT DRINK AND READ AT THE SAME TIME. SOME THINGS ARE NOT INTENDED TO BE SPEWED FROM THE NOSE.

Wanda M. Argersinger is an author, humorist, inspirational speaker, and OOL. She lives in Florida, land of hurricanes, gators, and margaritas on the beach. She has written numerous books that can be purchased from Amazon or her website. She diligently tries to post to her blog Life In The Land of Confusion (www.wandaargersigner.com/blog) on a weekly basis unless attacked by ninjas or her own body.

I don't care how genteel you are or how upper class you are or how many sessions you have had with Miss Manners, farts make you laugh. There is just something about that universal bodily conditions that elicits extreme laughter. And when you are the butt of the joke...even funnier. These gals land us smack dab in the middle of family, funny, food, and yes farts. I am not generally a laugh out loud person when reading, but this one had me making noises in public. Caution: Read before you eat.

Jody Worsham, The Medicare Mom blog

2nd place winner Jambalaya Writer's Conference New Novel

Co-author soon to be released Kin We Are Not Related To with Wanda Argersinger.

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The Littlest Terrors

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The Dog Show

A friend and I were taking her children to the dog show. The kids absolutely loved dogs, but their apartment rules forbid them from having pets.

At one point we ended up in the dog adoption area. Here the dogs were allowed to roam within cages or pens, depending on their size and jumping ability. The kids were inspecting every single animal while we stood nearby, my neighbor with one child and I with the other.

The boy, Timmy, and I worked our way around to the back side of the pens where the man in charge of the adoptions was standing. We got there just in time to hear a man step up to him and say, I'm looking for a good-looking bitch.

Timmy jumped up and spun around. I'll show you one, he quickly offered

I was a little surprised. I didn't think he had been paying that close of attention to the dogs.

He took the man by the hand and walked over to his mother. Here she is! he proudly announced.

Uh, I think there's been a mistake, the man stammered.

What, don't you think she's good looking? Timmy asked angrily.

Well, yes, but, um, that isn't quite what I meant when I said I was looking for a bitch.

Well she is one, he said. My Daddy called her that just last night.

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All Around Tan

My friend, Pepper, called me for lunch at her house. Her tuna melts were world renown; otherwise, she couldn’t cook worth a darn. She promised it would be tuna, so I made the hour and a half drive to her place to Kick back and eat some grub, I needed the break from the kids and my husband. She was lonely. Wayne was out of town again. He was a great sax player, but had to go where the gigs were.

Pepper lived on a farm. She raised chickens and goats and horses. She taught Western riding and had a whole slew of medals from all the shows she had entered as a child. She gave birth to her first child, Mazie, in the horse barn. She wasn’t afraid of anything. She was a real Colorado cowgirl.

I pulled up next to her truck in the dirt yard outside the farmhouse. It was dusty and hot out and I was sweating.

The kids are down playing in the river. She called. How about we go down there and join them?

She handed me one of her famous tuna melts and some really rotten tasting sour lemonade.

You make this yourself? I asked.

She nodded.

You got any sugar?

She made a face like I just erupted in spots in front of her. Pepper was very much into being Natural she didn’t believe in refined sugars. She wanted her life raw. She had honey, but I was allergic to it. I was out of luck. I discretely dumped the concoction on a plant and hoped it wouldn’t die. I went back inside and pumped some water from the well. It was good and cold. The tuna sandwich was good too. I kicked off my shoes and sat on the porch stoop with her in the blazing heat while we ate.

You could have told me we would be swimming then I would have brought my suit. I complained.

Pepper, of course, didn’t think it mattered. She and her kids all thought nudity was well, natural. I wasn’t in that great of shape to prance my stuff around for anyone, but my husband. Of course, I didn’t have to swim.

I was wearing jeans. It was hot. I wished I had brought my suit.

Come on. Just grab a towel. There’s no one here but us chickens. We can go nak’d. She said and she raised her eyebrows at me. You can git an All Around Tan."

What the hell, there wasn’t another farmhouse for miles around. The kids were all used to nudity. Why should I be such a stick in the mud? I wanted an All Around Tan too. Why not?

Okay. I said.

She fetched towels for us both. I finished my sandwich and carried my glass of cold water.

I didn’t even know you had a river on your place.

Oh, yeah, she said, It’s in the way back, over behind the horse barn. Not far. She pointed. The ranch that she rented was several acres. I had helped clean the horse barn and the chicken coop – an old train coach she found no one wanted - but I had never ventured out past the barns. I looked out beyond the corral.

All’s I see is tall reeds and trees.

Sure. She replied.

I immediately regretted leaving my shoes on the porch as we picked our way across the barnyard. But I didn’t want to cross the distance again just to get them. Sharp pebbles were scattered in the dirt and unlike Pepper, I hadn’t been raised barefoot in the Colorado hogbacks. I punctuated the whole trek with Ooches and Ouches.

Pepper knocked two chickens off the gate to the horse paddock and ushered me through. All of the horses were grazing in the pasture she explained as we walked across the big empty corral and they didn’t need to come in till late, so I was safe. We climbed over the wood fence on the other side and set out towards a patch of green in the white-hot heat. Not far felt closer to a mile. It was in the way back portion of the farm. The sun was hot on our faces and heads and I was wondering if this would be worth the trouble. My bare feet were covered with dust, and my jeans were sticking to me. I pictured muddy green slimy water. Yuck.

As we approached a tall section of reeds, we stopped talking about our husbands and I could hear the kids shouting and splashing, but I couldn’t see the river for the foliage. The reeds were thick and about six-foot tall. The grasses that grew near the riverbanks were sharp like razors. They cut into my bare feet.

Damn, Pepper, how can you walk in this? I asked. My right foot was bleeding.

Oh, you get used to it.

She pressed on separating the tall green leaves that blocked the river from our sight. I thought we would never get there. I was dusty and hot and sticky with sweat. We broke through and stood on a large flat smooth rock that jutted out onto the river stream like a patio. The air was cool and a willow tree shaded us part way. There were two beat up Kmart lounge chairs stretched out, and Pepper told me she had sun tea cooling in the stream. It was plain, but cold.

Her three kids were jumping into the cold waters with tire tubes and laughing. I regretted not bringing my three. They would have loved this.

This was worth it. I said as I set my poor feet into the cool river.

Take your clothes off and jump in, girl! shouted Pepper as she pulled off her top.

I did, and it felt marvelous. I luxuriated in the aloneness; I was without my entourage. The water was icy. It washed all the dirt and aches away. I felt cold pretty quickly, and climbed back up on top of the rock. I clutched at the tiny Holiday Inn towel she had given me. It barely covered my breasts.

Come on bashful, she teased, you don’t have to worry around us.

I dropped the towel and pushed my chair into the warm sun and relaxed. The kids hardly paid us any attention.

Pepper joined me and we resolved not to move again until the sun set. We were sleepy and just warming up enough to take a dip when Pepper heard the something.

Sounds like… a truck? I said.

Who could that be? Pepper asked.

The kids were curious too. People rarely visited the farm unannounced because they were so far off the beaten path.

Maybe Daddy’s come home early. Petunia said.

The kids got excited and Pepper called her youngest over. Petunia, you have flip-flops so you go back and see who it is.

So her feet hurt on the grasses too. I thought. Petunia sat down and pulled on her dress and flip-flops and walked off to find out who had come into the farmyard. I felt uncomfortable sending a four-year-old