Kingdom of the Snark: Three More Snarky Tales

By Melanie Hatfield

Oh, brave Sir Knight! Be wary if ye venture into this second short story collection from the “Kingdom of the Snark” series. Yea, verily, one does not merely wander into the dragon’s den and emerge un-BBQ’d, but perhaps fortune shall be on ye side.

“Three More Snarky Tales” contains the following stories:

1) “A Tale of Haag the Honorable and Caleb the Calculating”: Haag the Honorable, a Quester raised in the monastery of Quaal with Renee the Righteous, is given the task of supervising Lieutenant Lival, who lost his soul and will obey any command given to him. When Haag’s childhood buddy, Caleb the Calculating, decides to have some fun with the easily manipulated lieutenant, he puts all of their lives at risk when his antics raise the deadly ire of Kirk the Smirk.
2) “A Tale of Tina the Terrible”: Tina the Terrible only has twelve years of life under her belt, so she has a lot to prove if she hopes of becoming the deadliest assassin in the Kingdom of Turrack. Anxious to move up in the profession, she challenges the man who currently holds that title to an assassin’s battle of the death. Tina quickly discovers that she is in over her head, and the death that ends the fight may be her own.
3) “A Tale of Audraine the Insane”: Audraine the Insane has lived a comfortable life from the wealth she earned from her only quest, but her heart yearns for another adventure. When Fayna the Fearless enters the Riff Raff Tavern requesting help to find a lost Quester, Audraine is eager to take up the challenge... if only Fayna were so enthusiastic to even have Audraine tag along. Desperate for a friend, Audraine sets out to prove herself while saving the day—if she does not end up in the belly of a dragon.
If that leaves ye unsatisfied, there is also a sneak preview of “Kingdom Smackdown,” being the third part of “The Righteous Trilogy” to be published later in 2014.

So kick up your boots, take of swig of ale and try to swallow these three “Snarky” tales.

“Three More Snarky Tales” is a collection of stand-alone short stories in the “Kingdom of the Snark” series. Other tales (thus far) of this adult oriented fantasy/comedy series include:

“The Quest for the Sword (Being the First Part of the Righteous Trilogy)”
“An Affair with Wizards (Being the Second Part of the Righteous Trilogy)”
“Three Snarky Tales (The First Short Story Collection)”
“Tragedy in the Wine Cellar (A Longish Short Story, Not Quite a Novella)”
“A Tale of Randall the Rambunctious (A Novella)”

• Language: English
• Publisher: Melanie Hatfield
• Release date: Mar 12, 2014
• ISBN: 9781311389565

Melanie Hatfield

Melanie Hatfield spent a decade in Los Angeles with hopes of becoming a television sitcom writer. That dream did not come true, but she learned how to write like a pro. She wrote her first fantasy series, Kingdom of the Snark, to incorporate her two favorite genres of comedy and fantasy. Her second fantasy series, The Chronicles of Turrack is an action-adventure spin-off from Snark. Ms. Hatfield currently lurks in her hometown of Kansas City and writes whatever she pleases!

Book preview

KINGDOM OF THE SNARK

THREE MORE SNARKY TALES

BY

MELANIE HATFIELD

Three More Snarky Tales

By Melanie Hatfield.

Copyright 2014 by Melanie Hatfield

Smashwords Edition

Cover art by Rachael Mayo

http://rachaelm5.deviantart.com

Digital edition produced by Maureen Cutajar

www.gopublished.com

No merriment shall commence without the reading of the legal disclaimer:

All rights reserved. Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, taping, or otherwise) without the prior written permission of the copyright owner except in the context of reviews, quotes, or references. To obtain permission, contact the writer through her website at www.melaniehatfield.com.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, brands, media, and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination. Anything in this novel that is anyway similar to your own life and/or work is coincidental (and a bit sad).

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only and may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person you share it with. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then you should return it and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the author’s work.

Table of Contents

A Tale of Haag the Honorable and Caleb the Calculating

A Tale of Tina the Terrible

A Tale of Audraine the Insane

A Preview of Kingdom Smackdown

About the Not So Humble Narrator

A Tale of Haag the Honorable

and Caleb the Calculating

Haag the Honorable dashed down the lavish hallway of the Dark Castle. His brown monk robe sashayed about his sandaled feet, whipping his ankles. He did not look like much of a Quester, but he kept a blade hidden underneath his robe. He winced as its scabbard thudded against his upper thigh. Haag was not entirely out of shape, for battling bloodthirsty nuns ensured his muscle span was thick, but he had a bit of a belly he just could not lose, and it felt like a bouncing anchor with every stride. He had no choice but to suck it up at that moment—he had been beckoned by Renee the Righteous, and when the chosen one asks a favor, it was best to do it rather than face the wrath of the Holy Light (or Renee, for that matter).

The Dark Castle was as vast as a city, and it was filled with the refugees of Quaal. The nuns had laid waste to their villages, and Renee had opened the castle as a safe haven. Apparently she neglected to account for elbow room. Haag weaved around them, startling a few highborn ladies with his bold rush.

Blasted monk, grumbled one highborn lord who had to catch his wife—it was a close call when Haag’s girth nearly flattened her to the ground.

I am a Quester of the monastery, actually, Haag cried out from over his shoulder.

Haag heard a snort of derision as he turned a corner.

It was still a while before he entered the Dark Library. Unlike the rest of the castle, it had a plain décor except for the treasure it held. The room was like a parfait of knowledge, with seven levels of stuffed shelves. Haag wondered if the late Lord Asher Dark had ever bothered to read one—he would not have minded a couple of lifetimes alone in such a place.

Fortunately for Haag, the library had a mechanical lift, which he took to the top level after fiddling with the levers and pulled the correct one out of happenstance. He caught his breath as he rode it up, but he nearly lost it with the wonder of the mechanics. The monks who raised him embedded the notion that wealth could never buy happiness, but to Haag it seemed as though coinage bought many things that made life easier. The lift and the many bathing tubs that could accommodate his thickness certainly brought a smile to his heart.

Haag took his time getting out of the lift when it came to a stop and the doors opened, admiring the quality of the mechanism. He glanced about, but he was the only breathing soul around.

Or so he thought.

Down here, Haag, a friendly voice called out from far down the aisle.

Haag puffed out his chest as he made his way to the opposite side of the level. He brushed his hand through his shaggy hair, blacker than a squid’s ink cloud, and grimaced when his fingers became drenched with sweat. He wiped his hand upon the backside of his robe. He had to look his best for Renee—she was the champion of the monastery who granted Haag his Questhood after all.

Renee stood next to a long wooden table, basking in the light that streamed from the windows high above. She wore her typical Questers garb of a green tunic and brown leather pants, with her mighty blade, Megan, sheathed upon the red sash she used as a belt. Seated upon one of the cushioned chairs was Brother Malicide, Head Monk and Renee’s adopted Monk Daddy. He wore a robe of white, which Haag thought flattering although Brother Malicide had often blushed for being singled out in the garb. Sitting next to him was Lieutenant Lival, the current Steward of the Dark Castle. He wore his usual doublet with the image of an owl on a tree branch, his turquoise eyes sparkled as he glanced upon his lady love.

I am glad the page system is working, Renee said with a smile. The expression was a bit alarming to Haag at first—they grew up as abandoned children of the monastery, and she had only been known to smile when they were sparring. Even then, it was only at moments when her wooden sword was about to crash upon his tender flesh.

I received your message just fine, Haag replied, giving everyone a respectable bow. How can I be of service to my champion?

I have need of a favor, Renee said, motioning Haag to take the empty seat next to Lival.

Ask and ye shall receive, Haag chuckled.

I am glad to hear you phrase it that way. I need you to guard Lieutenant Lival for the rest of today.

Lival crossed his arms over his chest. I do not require a watcher.

You do when neither I nor my Monk Daddy are near you, Renee replied before turning back to Haag. She leaned over him like a giant, although she would have towered above his head even if he were not seated. Whenever Brother Malicide and I leave Lival’s sight, he falls back into that blasted trance.

Haag nodded. He knew well that the lieutenant’s soul was stolen by that mystical man (although the details of that tale are told elsewhere), and he shivered upon the memory of the young lieutenant in his zombie state.

My love is vulnerable during such times, Renee continued. Anyone can order him to do anything, and he would obey without thought or question.

Lival’s cheeks burned red and his gaze dropped to the crimson rug underneath the table.

Your best buddy, Caleb, took advantage of Lival once, Renee continued, and I shall not have that happen again.

Haag chuckled upon the memory, but stopped when he faced the glare of Renee’s sky-colored eyes.

I thought that you have wisely earned your moniker, and thusly I can trust you to take care of Lival without subjecting him to such childish pranks, nor allow anyone with a black heart to use his condition for foul purposes.

Haag’s mouth went dry. Renee was not one to trust others. When they were younger, she would not even depend on him to catch a ball