My Troubles With Time

By Benson Grayson

An inept physics professor in his mid-thirties, still a virgin, travels back to December 1941. He plans to become a national hero by destroying the Japanese fleet which bombed Pearl Harbor. Overcoming vast difficulties he succeeds, only to be sentenced to death by a U.S. Navy Courtmartial for mistakenly sinking the Japanese vessels prior to their attack. His claims to have invented a time machine are ridiculed. However, thanks to the vagaries of time travel, he escapes and returns to the present, no longer a virgin and greatly improved.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Benson Grayson
• Release date: Jun 27, 2011
• ISBN: 9781452481883

Benson Grayson

Benson Grayson served as a Foreign Service Officer of the State Department and then covered Washington, D.C. political and economic affairs as a reporter. He is the author of six published books on history and foreign affairs, including "Soviet Intentions and American Options in the Middle East," published by the National Defense University in 1982.

Book preview

MY TROUBLES WITH TIME

BY

BENSON LEE GRAYSON

Copyright 2011 by Benson Lee Grayson

All rights reserved. This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or locales is coincidental.

Smashwords Edition

Contents

Chapter I

Chapter II

Chapter III

Chapter IV

Chapter V

Chapter VI

Chapter VII

Chapter VIII

Chapter IX

Chapter I

I, Maynard Snodgrass, was a failure. Not just a failure. A total, complete, utter failure. The logic of this conclusion was unassailable. I had no family. I had no friends. I had no sex. At the age of 33, I was still a virgin.

Part of the problem was my appearance. Every time I saw my reflection in the mirror, I shuddered. It was not that I was ugly. That might have been tolerable. Really ugly individuals can look striking. Often, people look at them and expect the worst. When they find some redeeming trait they are usually surprised and pleased.

I fell just a trifle short of being ugly. My mousy colored hair was thin, but I was not bald. While my features were all regular enough, they somehow seemed oddly mismatched. The thick, horned rimmed glasses I wore seemed to emphasize my nondescript face. I was slightly under average height. With my round shoulders and large rear, I resembled what one obnoxious classmate had dubbed me, Pear Shape. Although I was not exactly timid looking, my wan smile and round face lacked any vestige of character or personality. Many fat people look cheerful. I just looked eminently forgettable.

From the way I was treated by everyone I encountered, my personality must have matched my appearance. When I was younger and still went to parties, I was as popular as an insurance salesman. At the university and later on, when I attended scholarly conferences, I was ignored. People looked right through me, as though I was not there.

If someone could avoid speaking with me, he did so. If people could not escape, they mumbled a few polite phrases and then left, giving some lame excuse. I was seldom introduced. When I was, those present struggled to recall my name.

It is true that I was smart. In school I usually received good grades. In objective tests, when the examination papers were graded by an instructor according to a master list of correct answers, I always received an A. Unfortunately, whenever a teacher had enough leeway to allow his negative feelings toward me to come into play, I got a C at best.

Physics was the only subject in which objective tests were the norm. It was thus the only one in which I could excel. I therefore choose it as my major in college. It turned out to be an excellent choice. I rapidly developed an affinity for physics and achieved an unremitting succession of A’s. Despite the concerns it aroused among my fellow students and my instructors, I won several scholarships and financial prizes, which enabled me to continue my studies in physics in graduate school, eventually receiving my Ph.D.

The intelligence tests that I gave myself in an effort to bolster my self-image indicated that my success in physics was no fluke. In plain fact, they showed me to be a genius. For a brief moment this cheered me. But not for long. How could I take comfort from my intelligence when everyone else seemed determined to ignore it? No matter how brilliant my contribution, my associates were blind to it. None of them ever remembered that I had been the person who gave them the suggestions they adopted.

I was a failure professionally. After six years as an assistant professor in the Physics department of Miles Standish University, I had still not received tenure. Most members of the faculty were awarded tenure after five years. Two members of the Physics Department had received it after four.

I consoled myself after Gertrude Peabody received tenure one year early. She was a female. It was no secret that the university was under pressure to appoint more women to tenured positions.

Kim Han Chu had also received tenure after four years. His English was so poor that his classes could not understand him. Every time he lectured, his students would come to my office to ask me to me to explain what he was driving at. Still, Kim had been born and educated in South Korea. I consoled myself that he, too, had benefited from the demands for faculty diversity.

Endicott, however, was a different story. Like me, he was a white, Anglo-Saxon Protestant. We had joined the Physics Department at the same time. True, he was handsome, played bridge and golf well, and had a young, beautiful blond wife. But he had only one scholarly paper to his credit in his five years at the university to my three. He was not as good a teacher as I am. And I had been asked to teach four courses each term to his three.

When I was told that he had been given tenure after five years, and I had not, I at first refused to believe it. Eventually, after the news had sunk in, I became so angry that I overcome my shyness and rushed to see Dr. Bolton, the chairman of the Physics department

Dr. Bolton was in his late forties. He was tall, heavyset and completely bald. Somehow, his appearance did not work against him. He seemed the very personification of wisdom and assurance. On reflection, I think that this was largely due to Bolton’s voice. It was deep and sonorous. When he spoke, one had the impression that God, Himself, had revealed the ultimate truth.

After being kept waiting for an hour, his secretary told me in a cold voice that I could see him.

I entered Bolton’s plush, paneled office, to find him seated behind his large, mahogany desk. His eyes were closed, as though he was meditating. When after a few seconds he opened them, he looked at me and frowned. The expression of annoyance on his face was one he might have directed if bothered by a pesky mosquito.

Yes? he said. As usual, he did not seem to recall my name. He, at least, should have remembered it. During my years at Miles Standish, I had written two papers for him to publish in scholarly journals.

This was not an uncommon practice for senior professors. Usually when they did so, they listed the real author of the paper as a contributor. Bolton, however, had omitted any mention of my contribution. Listing himself as the sole author of the papers, he then proceeded to take full credit when the concepts I had worked out were subsequently hailed in physics journals as important discoveries.

Meekly, I asked him why I had not received tenure. He was silent for a moment, and then he looked at me with contempt.

Come now, he said, his tone similar to what God might have used if Adam had the poor judgment to protest his expulsion from the Garden of Eden. At Standish we have an obligation for service. We do not appreciate unbridled ambition.

I found myself nodding apologetically and humbly retreated from his office. Only later, upon reflection, did I realize that Bolton had not answered my question.

Most of all, what made me realize I was a failure was my total lack of success with women. It was not just that I was still a virgin. I had not even had a date in three years.

The last time I had even kissed a girl had been in my first year of high school. I had taken advantage of mistletoe hanging over the entrance at a Christmas party to kiss Mildred Perkins, the plainest girl in the freshman class. Mildred, I thought, of any girl would not object to my kissing her.

I was wrong. She had stared coldly at me, as though she had stepped in something unpleasant on the sidewalk. Then she had slapped me hard across the face before going off to tell her friends about the incident.

My face stung where she had slapped me. Even worse, everyone in the room seemed to be aware of what had happened and was staring at me. Mildred and her friends stood in a group giggling and pointing at me. Crestfallen, I slunk out of the party, acutely aware of the laughter behind me.

My love life had not improved in the intervening years. In college, desperate over the fact that I was still a virgin, I had gone off with two of my classmates who were in a similar predicament to lose our virginity. They were reluctant to take me along with them, but by offering to tutor them in physics without charge, I had prevailed upon them to let me tag along. Emboldened by each other’s company, we had made an appointment with Rhonda, a prostitute regularly employed for that purpose by the campus fraternities.

We met Rhonda at the commercial hotel downtown where she rented one of the rooms by the hour. In the lobby we matched pennies to determine the order in which we would enter her room. Naturally, I ended up last.

I waited outside as first one and then the other of my two companions entered the room. Each emerged after fifteen minutes, a triumphant grin on his face. Now it was my turn.

Expectantly, I entered the room. I found Rhonda on the bed naked, eating a candy bar.

All right, she said, putting down her half-eaten candy bar and belching loudly. Let’s get on with it.

In a flash, my ardor evaporated. I stripped in mute obedience to her command. I climbed on to the bed and found to my embarrassment that I could not produce an erection.

To her credit, Rhonda did her best to encourage me. To no avail. After a few minutes she gave up and burst into laughter. Maybe we better wait till you grow up, lover boy, she said with a nasty grin. Shamefacedly, I dressed and left the room, consoling myself with the fact that I had at least saved myself her five-dollar fee.

In this expectation, too, I was mistaken. As we left the hotel, I attempted to cover up my failure by lying to my companions about how much I had enjoyed the experience.

I’m glad you enjoyed it, one of them told me. Now how about paying me the five dollars I gave Rhonda for you? She didn’t have any change for the ten dollar bill I gave her.

I could think of no escape. I could not admit I had been unable to perform. Mutely, I handed over the five dollars he demanded.

My subsequent love life was no better. If I went to a singles bar widely known as one at which no man had ever failed to secure a date for the evening, I would invariably be the one person unsuccessful. I would end up sitting alone at the bar, watching everyone else there happily coupled for the evening.

I tried every ploy I could think of. Usually, I would select as the target for my advances some young woman sitting alone at the bar. Sometimes, the encounter would start off well. The target of my attentions would seem pleased by my interest, accept my offer to buy her a drink, and smile at my attempts at humor.

Just as I thought I had scored, a man would saunter up and engage her in conversation. She would turn toward him, smile warmly at his remarks and gulp down the drink I had bought her. Always, usually without even a goodbye, the two of them would go off, leaving me alone and forlorn.

As frustrating as these experiences were, they were the highlights of my love life. More often, my efforts to strike up a conversation failed at the start. The women usually ignored me. On one memorable night, a lovely blond sitting alone at the bar had taken one look at me, picked up a bowel of pretzels near her, and emptied the contents on my head to the delight of the other patrons.

Even my cat despised me. My colleague, Dr. Peabody, had presented me with Princess, a large white cat with unpleasant fur and a disposition to match. Peabody had arrived at my doorstep one evening at dusk, handing me a closed cardboard box. From within came loud, angry noises. The cat, she told me, was a most affectionate feline, adding pointedly that I obviously could use the company.

Acquiring a cat was the last thing I wanted. However, as a tenured member of the Physics department, Dr. Peabody could veto my receiving tenure, if she chose. I realized it would be foolish for me to reject her gift of the cat. Moreover, in my naiveté, I considered her delivery of the cat to be a gesture of misplaced kindness.

I had accepted Princess without argument, thanked Dr. Peabody, and watched her go off happily. Only later did it occur to me that Peabody had gifted me with Princess to avoid having to drive out to the animal shelter to rid herself of the beast.

I quickly discovered that Princess was anything but affectionate. It was not just that she scratched me when I tried to clip her nails or when I tried to stop her from ripping the upholstery on the furniture. She also made it a habit of scratching me when I tried to feed her. Or whenever else she felt like it.

If she wanted to eat, she made it impossible for me to sleep. Every morning at dawn, she would jump on my chest to awaken me. Try as I could, I could not ignore her repeated hard landings on my chest. Sometimes it

felt as though she had jumped from the ceiling to maximize the effect.

My efforts to lock her in the bathroom were always a failure. She would rip the toilet paper into shreds. When that had been accomplished, if I did not yield to her demands, she would start on the wallpaper. Locking Princess in some other room had produced wanton destruction followed by such hideous howling that it was impossible to think.

The time Princess did not devote to biting me or destroying the furniture, she spent leaving strands of her long fur where it would cause the most inconvenience. It was impossible to sit on my sofa, chairs or bed without gathering on my clothes enough fur to begin knitting a sweater. If I brought home a suit I had cleaned from the tailor, it would be covered with hair as soon as I hung it in my closet. Firmly shuttling closet doors was no solution. Princess had the ability to open them.

My life was so unpleasant that I frequently wondered why I went on. The only consolation I had, the only thing that gave me satisfaction, was my work on the time machine.

My fascination with the concept of traveling through time had begun when I was a child, reading science fiction magazines. I learned early that I had to conceal my interest in the subject. Just mentioning the possibility of time travel, I found, exposed me to even more derision than usual as a childish simpleton.

In college and graduate school, I delved into a few scientific works that were available on the subject. I took care to demonstrate my amusement with the concept to anyone who happened chanced to notice my interest.

Secretly, when no one was around, I would use the computers to develop and test mathematical formulas concerning the physics of time travel. My results led me to conclude that it was at least theoretically possible.

In a more hospitable environment, I would have chosen time travel as the subject of my doctoral dissertation. My adviser Professor Gunson, however, broke into vales of laughter when I tentatively suggested I was considering the theoretical concept of time travel as the topic for my dissertation.

Dr. Gunson, a thin little man with a perpetual scowl on his face, had been the only member of the Physics department willing to act as my advisor. Without his active support, I realized I stood no chance of over obtaining my Ph.D. degree. Feeling humiliated, I resolved never to mention the subject of time travel to him or to anyone else.

I was relieved when Dr. Gunson suggested that I choose as the subject of my doctoral my dissertation the physical properties of metals as they related to electric batteries. I quickly agreed to do so, naively thinking that he had my welfare at heart. Only later, did I learn that he was writing a book on the subject himself and saw in me nothing more than a source of unpaid labor.

For the next three years I slavishly carried out the research, working closely with Dr. Gunson. When the graduate students who had started after me had their dissertations approved and received their degrees, I timidly suggested to my advisor that it might be time for me to turn in my dissertation. Dr. Gunson reluctantly agreed on the condition that I continue working as his unpaid staff assistant after I received my doctoral degree.

A year later, he published his book, incorporating the findings of my dissertation without giving me any credit. I was disappointed, but hoped that at least he would now assist me in obtaining a proper teaching position.

I waited until we were working together in his lab. His book had received favorable comments in a leading physics journal and he seemed to be in a good mood. I congratulated him warmly. Choosing my words carefully, I added that it might now be time for me to move on to a teaching post at another university and that I would greatly welcome his advice and any assistance he could give me.

My words were followed by a loud silence. His face clouded over. When he spoke, his tone was icy.

You may leave whenever you wish, he said. Just leave the key to the lab at my office

Startled by the coldness in his voice, I tried to mollify him, adding that I would of course time my departure so that it would be of no inconvenience to him. However, he stalked out of the lab before I could speak.

My bridges inadvertently burned, I decided to get as far away from Dr. Gunson as I could. The lack of a strong recommendation from him was a serious handicap. Dozens of rejections had left me thoroughly depressed when, just two weeks before the start of the fall term, I received a telephone call from Standish offering me what was purported to be a tenure track appointment as an assistant professor of physics.

Without hesitation, I agreed to take the position, despite the fact that I had already signed another year’s lease for the dorm room I was still using. Foolishly thinking my life-long ill luck had changed for the better, I hurriedly packed my few belongings and traveled half way across the country to Miles Standish University.

Notwithstanding two flat tires and the need to install a new muffler in my decrepit car, I was still optimistic as I pulled up in front of the Standish campus and parked. My first meeting with Dr. Bolton quickly disillusioned me. In a cool tone he informed me that I had received the appointment only after two more promising candidates had turned it down. As there was no time to search for other candidates so close to the start of the new term, I could have the position.

The optimism I had enjoyed vanished. Still I had no choice. And it was a tenured track appointment. I swallowed my pride and expressed my pleasure, assuring him that his confidence in me was not misplaced. I raised no objection when he informed me I would teach four classes, one more than had been stipulated when I agreed to accept the position.

This was only the first of the ever-growing list of duties I assumed at Dr Bolton’s request. Each time I told myself that if I did so, it would assist me in being awarded tenure. But the months and years went on, without any progress in reaching my goal.

As solace for the friendship and recognition I lacked, I resumed my studies into the possibility of time travel. My work was particularly difficult. I feared to discuss it with anyone lest I become the subject of ridicule and quite possibly be dismissed from the faculty.

Several times, I almost gave up the project. Surely, I thought, if time travel was theoretically possible, there should be some reference to it in reputable scientific journals. Only a brief vacation trip to Moscow, when I learned that a Russian physicist had worked out mathematical formulas dealing with aspects of time travel, encouraged me to renew my efforts with renewed vigor.

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Reviews for My Troubles With Time

[liscarey · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

When Maynard Snodgrass's mother drops him off, at age seven, at an orphanage, the other kids quickly nickname him "Nerdly." It's not kind, but it is true. With looks plain enough to be boring and not ugly enough to be interesting, an excellent brain, and a self-effacing personality, Maynard evokes either complete disinterest, or a certain amount of resentment because it's just human nature to resent those you take advantage of. And Maynard gets taken advantage of a lot, because he doesn't have the confidence to say no. It's still happening when he's an assistant professor of physics at Miles Standish University, writing the department chair's papers and getting no publication credit, and not even getting tenure. So he pursues a dream, and invents a time machine.

He decides to make a quick test trip to the US Civil War, and bring back a photograph of himself with several Union officers to prove he's made the trip. Other people might realize that more than one person can buy a replica Civil War uniform, but that would involve the people skills that poor Maynard, as smart, kind, and well-intentioned as he is, just doesn't have. Unfortunately, he goes wildly off-course geographically, and winds up in Paris in 1870 rather than near a major Union Army encampment in 1863. He's in the middle of the German siege of Paris, and he knows no German and very little French. But, determined only to protect his time machine and his ability to get home, he's sufficiently forceful that he rallies a small unit of the French National Guard, achieves a small local victory, and finds himself the welcome guest of senior French officers. Surrounded by people who think he's a successful American military officer who served in the U.S. Civil War, rather than by people who know he's an ineffectual, easily-exploited physics professor, he finds a confidence and decisiveness he hasn't experienced before, and starts to wonder if he's really the worthless creature he's always thought himself.

Once he gets safely home, he finds himself getting kicked around again, even by his cat. His attempt to convince the National Physics Society that he's invented a working time machine go about as well as you'd expect, and everything goes downhill from there.

What he does next is even nuttier, has even reason to be successful, and plays out in ways that are as unexpected for the reader as for Maynard, despite the fact that we and he have quite different expectations. Saying anymore would be a spoiler, so I'll limit myself to this: There's too much wish-fulfillment here, but it's nicely-plotted, fast-paced, and funny. Not belly-laughs funny, but you'll smile through much of the book. Maynard is likable to begin with, and he learns quite a bit from his experiences. There's a bit at the end where I'd have liked to have seen an editor slap Grayson's hands and make him fix it, but this really is an enjoyable book, and I'll look forward to seeing more from him.

Recommended.

I received a free electronic galley of this book from the author.