Blind Courage

By Christine Deponio

At the age of 16 Christine’s life was turned upside down when she tragically went blind. Despite her disability she has proven beyond measure that everything is possible. At the age of 25 she was the first person to receive the Wilkinson Sword Award for outstanding achievement in sport and today is still the only woman in 34 years to have ever received it. This was only the beginning, and because of her determination she has achieved more than she could ever have imagined.

This remarkable story will not only make you laugh and cry but will also inspire those who are in deep despair and struggling through life by transforming and giving them hope for the future.

She is also founder of the well known local non profit making charitable organisation Emmanuel House for people affected by cancer. Her aim is to obtain larger premises so she can further her work in caring and giving support to cancer patients, the terminally ill and their families.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Christine Deponio
• Release date: Nov 9, 2013
• ISBN: 9781310087172

Book preview

Chapter 1

In the summer of 1970, at the age of sixteen, I was rushed into the Queen Elizabeth Hospital, Gateshead. Everything happened so quickly and little did I know then, that in a matter of weeks I would be left without sight. In 1969, at the age of fifteen, I had left school and gone to work at Boots the Chemist, as a shop assistant, in my local town, Gateshead. Everyone was friendly and it had a nice atmosphere when I walked in. I really enjoyed working there; it was a great shop – much different from today, as there were many different departments, and I worked with a fab bunch of girls.

I left for work as usual that morning to catch the 8:30 bus, as I started at 9:00. I didn’t feel any different that day to any other day; at least that’s what I thought. Little did I know (or even anyone else for that matter), that this would be my last day ever to work in Boots the Chemist.

I arrived that morning and went upstairs to the locker room and changed into my uniform as usual and then went down to my department which was fancy goods, selling jewellery, handbags, glassware etc. Everything was normal and I felt fine. We had a tea break in the morning. I always enjoyed and looked forward to having a good old chinwag with the girls as well as a cup of tea and a chocolate biscuit.

Dinner time was always the highlight of the day when we all got together and just laughed and giggled, telling stories and jokes and catching up with all the gossip from the night before. It was all just good clean innocent fun. When most of them had finished their lunch, out came the make-up. I used to be fascinated at how quickly they could make their eyes up. I was just a plain Jane and had never worn make up before – and still don’t today.

Two of the girls, Linda and Kath, who had short hair, bought long wigs. They were fantastic and looked so real, I couldn’t believe the transformation when they put them on. They were all good looking girls and very fashionable, while I was still wearing some of my older sister’s cast-offs. However, this didn’t bother me as I came from a big family and money was tight in those days.

When lunch was over, a horrible ill feeling came over me – although I could still hear the girls laughing in the background. It is difficult to put into words exactly how I felt and I could not understand what was happening to me. I remember feeling as if my head was going to burst open at any minute and I couldn’t think straight. I began to feel numb; I was very frightened, confused and felt totally out of control. After that, nothing appeared to be clear in my mind and I remember hearing people shouting. I felt as if my body was being dragged about. I must have fallen into a state of unconsciousness, and much later I found myself waking up in the Queen Elizabeth Hospital, in a straightjacket with a tube stuck down my throat and my stomach was being pumped.

I began to be sick, and voices kept shouting at me asking what tablets I had taken and how many. At this time nothing was making sense. I couldn’t understand what was going on at all, and I remember nothing more until I woke up in Dunston Hill Hospital, which is just up the road from where I lived.

It was a large wooden hut, which was one of the old army barrack wards and it was a very dreary and drab looking dormitory with approximately 27 old wrought iron army beds filled with sick, elderly people.

I found it hard to settle in as it was the first time I had ever been in hospital. I had only been in a few days when three people died. One patient was next to me and two were on the opposite side of the ward. I was terrified. It really upset me, more so because I was only sixteen, just a child really. What a terrible place for anyone to be put in at such a young age.

The doctor who came to see me on the ward was horrible; he was cold, rude and very abrupt and never smiled once. There were times when he had me in tears because of his manner and he never apologised – even the nurses looked frightened of him and said very little. I watched him very carefully to see how he dealt with the other patients. I thought because they were elderly and very poorly he might have had more compassion and respect for them, but I was wrong. He really was a ‘nasty piece of work’ and not even fit to be called a doctor as far as I was concerned.

After eight or nine days I took another one of those horrible bad turns. This is the only way I can describe and recall them. I just can’t fully remember what happened. I began to open my eyes but could only manage to keep them open for a very short period of time and felt so tired. I hadn’t a clue where I was and felt totally disorientated. While lying there everything was so bright and fuzzy, the room felt as if it was moving all over the place – I thought that at any minute it was going to collapse. I remember feeling as though I was going to be sick, and tried to turn over but couldn’t as my body felt like a ton weight, as if somebody was sitting on me. Suddenly these faces seemed to appear from nowhere and were moving in slow motion. I could hear voices – it was all very weird. Someone then turned me over and put my head into a bowl as I had started to be sick. Afterwards I kept trying to sit up, but everything was such an effort.

I have never drank alcohol or taken drugs – for example cannabis, happy baccy etc – apart from medication prescribed by my GP. Yet the way I was feeling was as if I was as high as a kite and stoned out of my mind without a care in the world. I still lay there for a little while and my eyes now were beginning to focus better and my mind was becoming much clearer. I could see there were two nurses sitting at my bedside, but they never said a word. I began to look round the room and thought how odd it looked as I had never seen one like this before, let alone been in one. I wondered where the window and doors were as I couldn’t find one anywhere – still I was wondering where I was.

The nurses continued to sit and still hadn’t spoken – in saying that, neither had I. I thought to myself, am I dreaming or is this really happening? All of a sudden I caught a glimpse of something in the corner of the room which drew my attention. When I looked again I realised it was the shape of a door which I thought looked very odd. My eyes then focused on the tiny pane of glass at the top of the door which I stared at fiercely. I then shot out of the bed like somebody not right when I realised there were bars on it. I startled the nurses so much that they leapt to their feet, quicker than ever. What a fright they must have had. I went off balance and fell flat on my face onto the floor, after which the nurses bent down and picked me up. I was in a total state of shock and literally shaking from head to foot with fear, shouting Where the hell am I? What on earth am I doing here? Tell me where I am. It was only then I realised I had been lying on a mattress on the floor and not in a proper bed. I was so frightened I began to cry and wished that my mam was there – or at least somebody with me.

Shortly afterwards the nurses then took me from the room, and as they escorted me down the corridor my body felt weak and wobbly. They took me into what looked like an office and introduced me to a female doctor. She was very gentle when she spoke to me. She told me I was in a hospital called St Mary’s at Stannington, which meant nothing to me as I had never heard of it before. She explained that the room I had slept in was known as a ‘padded cell’, where they had put me because I was ill.

Again even that went over my head because I had never heard of a padded cell before, and certainly didn’t know at the time what they were used for.

You do know that you were transferred here from Dunston Hill three and a half days ago? explained the doctor.

What do you mean, I’ve been here for three and a half days? I replied. How can anyone be in a place three and a half days and not remember anything about it? I was beginning to feel very anxious and agitated about it all.

She explained to me: At Dunston Hill, Christine, you took ill and they had to sedate you with a tranquilizer, which is an injection that helps to put you to sleep, and we have also had to keep you sedated here for a while.

After hearing that I just sat there; I didn’t know what to say, what to do, what questions to ask, or what else to even talk about. I just felt totally lost and alone. After the interview I was then taken to the shower block which certainly could have done with a make-over. There were toilets on one side and open showers on the other. I was told to go to the toilet then to undress and have a quick shower. After I had been to the toilet, the nurse then said, Come along Christine, we haven’t got all day you know.

Are you not going to leave the room? I asked quietly.

I can’t do that because of safety precautions, she replied.

What do you mean ‘safety precautions’?

It’s just in case anything happens to you and to make sure that you’re alright.

What could possibly happen to me? I replied. I’m only going to have a shower.

I had never felt so embarrassed standing there naked in front of a complete stranger while she watched me undress and shower myself down. How humiliating it was.

After my shower I was taken into a large dayroom. The nurse told me to go and find a seat and that dinner wouldn’t be long and that I would hear a bell ring. I couldn’t believe that she had just walked away and left me there like that. It was a very large, pleasant room. It was hot and the sun was shining; there were huge bay windows which overlooked the most beautiful gardens. There were many other people of all ages sitting in armchairs that were scattered in different parts of the room. I didn’t quite know what to make of it all. Everyone looked as if they were fast asleep. There seemed to be no life anywhere at all, which seemed rather strange and I felt a little bit nervous.

All of a sudden a girl came to the door. She looked older than I was and also looked ill. Her face was pale, she was very thin and her clothes looked as if they were two sizes too big for her. She had uncombed ginger hair and her fringe just hung over her eyes – it looked as if she could have done with a good haircut. It was a shame really as she had a bonnie face. She saw that I was looking at her and she smiled, came over and sat beside me.

Hi, my name’s Angela – what’s yours? I’m twenty-one – how old are you?

At first I didn’t notice there was anything wrong with her; she made me feel so much at ease. It was good to talk to someone who wasn’t much older than I was. A few minutes later, a nurse came in with a very large bell and began to ring it.

Dinnertime everybody, dinner time, she shouted. Generally speaking it was like being back at school. I was amazed to see how many people jumped up. One minute they were zonked out and the next, they were standing to attention. You had to see it to believe it.

We walked down the corridor to the dining room and I noticed how nobody seemed to speak to each other; some were shuffling, others looked as if they were drunk, walking from one side of the corridor to the other. Some were making funny noises while others were grunting, and Angela was holding on to my arm for grim death. My mind was now beginning to bobble. As we entered the dining room everyone just seemed to know where to sit and Angela was making sure I was sitting beside her.

Dinner wasn’t served immediately, and boy I wished it had. Angela was now playing with my hair with one hand, and stroking my arm with the other. Some were beginning to bang their hands on the table, others were stamping their feet. It was then that I realised there was obviously something wrong with these people. The noises began to get louder and louder, I started to feel panicky and my mind was racing fifty to the dozen. My goodness me, I’m in a flaming loony bin I thought to myself, a bloody loony bin. What the hell am I doing in a place like this, what the hell am I doing in here? I shouldn’t be in a place like this. Somebody’s made a big mistake by putting me in here – that’s all that kept going over and over in my mind. I could literally feel myself breaking out in a cold sweat. My heart was beating faster. I was speechless. I was frightened to move or even lift my head to look about and see what was going on, so I just kept my eyes fixed down on the table.

Then three or four nurses came running in to try and get things under control. And boy did some of them get a telling off. Dinner was now being served and after all that I wasn’t feeling very hungry. Just when I thought things were starting to calm down, I couldn’t believe what happened next. There was this massive eruption. Some of the patients began to tip tables over while others smashed chairs through the bay windows. It was so terrifying. I thought things only happened like this on TV, but never in real life. There was glass all over and dinner everywhere in a matter of seconds. I couldn’t believe the state the room was in. The noise was horrendous, patients were shouting and shrieking.

Nurses came and took me out of the room. Apparently the same female doctor that I had seen earlier that morning wanted to see me again in her office. This time she asked me lots of different questions. I can’t remember what they were but there were also puzzles to do. At the end of what seemed to be a very long interview, she sat back and looked at me, then she said, You know, Christine, I cannot understand why you have been put in here. I don’t even know who transferred you from Dunston Hill Hospital to this one. I don’t know who was responsible, but all I know is I feel you should not be in here and especially not in this section. Do you realise what type of hospital you’re in and exactly where you are?

I said, I have a vague idea after what’s just happened in the dining room.

This part of the hospital is for people who are sick and mentally ill and some of the people have been sectioned here for many years and will most probably never go home again, as they are here for their own protection as well as that of others. Now what I am going to do, Christine, is transfer you over to another part of the hospital where people aren’t so poorly.

Within a matter of hours I was transferred over. When I arrived at the other part of the hospital there was quite a wide range of age groups. Some were listening to music while others were in groups, talking or watching TV. I somehow felt so relieved to be away from that other part of the hospital, but I would have much rather been at home. It didn’t take long to settle in – everyone was so friendly and made a point of making me feel so welcome.

Many of the patients were married and had children, some even had grandchildren. There were those who were suffering from manic depression, breakdowns and some with other disorders. A lot of them were still finding it hard to cope and deal with the many traumatic things that had happened to them. For example: mental abuse, sexual abuse which leaves scars, heartache and pain. The mind is a funny thing. It can sometimes only take so much before it snaps. How do I know? Because I was one of those people.

I wished I could have been in the dormitory with the other patients instead of having to share a small bedroom with two elderly ladies who looked as if they were going to die at any minute. Their hair was almost white and their skin was very wrinkled and they were lying there with their eyes and mouths wide open and no teeth in. It wasn’t pleasant at all – it was quite frightening. It’s not that I didn’t like elderly people, because I do, but with being so young and having to sleep in the next bed to them when they were so ill was a very different matter.

My bed was next to a large window that looked into the nurse’s office. It felt like they were watching every move I made, and it made me feel very uncomfortable. I would sometimes just sit on my bed and look out onto the gardens. The windows stretched across the whole room from floor to ceiling. The gardens were spectacular with well kept lawns and lots of beautiful flower beds.

Sometimes the days could be very long especially when I didn’t have any visitors. I only had a visit once a week. There wasn’t very much to do there – you could read or write, watch TV or listen to the radio. After a while it could become quite boring. Although everyone was friendly I was the youngest one there – everyone seemed to be a lot older than I was. At times I was lonely and I felt a little out of place. I used to look forward to my Auntie Florrie coming in to see me. She was my mam’s sister and they would both visit every Saturday. Auntie Florrie used to always lift my spirits and make me feel good as she used to make me laugh. I would get a big hug and some goodies off her which made me feel special. I hated it when she had to leave. I was sometimes lucky if my mam said hello or even goodbye.

It was about nine pm and we hadn’t long finished supper, the medication had been given out and the last thing I remember it was almost time for bed. I just woke up feeling a little confused and again not quite sure where I was. I tried to move but I couldn’t. It was then I realised I was injured. I was lying face down on a hard cold floor wearing only a short nightdress. I could feel my head and face swelling up and the trickling of blood running down into my mouth.

The room was dim, but I could see there was a light shining above me from the right hand side. I managed to move my head only slightly; the pain was unbearable and I thought I was going to pass out. Then I saw it, there it was, the great big steel door with a little window with bars on it. Yeah, now I knew exactly where I was. I vaguely remember being dragged from my bed again and being thrown into this horrible godforsaken padded cell. I hated it in there and I didn’t know why they kept doing this. I began to shout for help and hoped someone would hear me as the cell was down the other end of the corridor on its own, away from the other wards and everyone else. I tried so hard to move my arms and body so I could try to push myself up off the floor, but I just couldn’t do it.

Eventually a nurse came and I managed to move my head slightly and look up at the door and saw her face at the window.

Get into bed, Christine, she shouted! Get into bed now. By the way, the bed was a mattress on the floor with a pillow and a couple of blankets chucked on it.

I shouted, I can’t move, I can’t get up, I’m injured, I’m bleeding and I need someone to help me. She wouldn’t listen or take any notice of what I was saying to her and still kept shouting from outside the door.

Get into bed, Christine and I mean now.

She couldn’t help but see I was injured from where I was lying. I couldn’t believe it when I heard her footsteps walking away from the door and back down the corridor. There was no one else but me. I was so frightened I began to cry.

I was now beginning to feel ill and felt too weak to shout any more, and thought I was going to die. Quietly I began to say to myself I don’t want to die, I don’t want to die here on my own. I remember I began to pray to God although I didn’t even believe in him; as a matter of fact I was very angry and bitter, and blamed God for everything that had happened to me in my life. Yet here I was saying over and over again, please God, don’t let me die here on my own. Looking back I feel it was so inhumane to have left me there like that. After all I was only sixteen years old, just a child really, especially in those days. It just should never have happened.

The next thing I remember was being awakened by the jingling and rattling of keys knocking against the cell door as they unlocked it. It was now morning and I was still lying in the same position as the night before. I don’t know if I had passed out or maybe just drifted off to sleep. My head and face felt huge and they were throbbing. I licked my lips which were sore and swollen. I was cold and soaking wet as I was lying in my own urine.