The Legend of Gerald Arthur McGuinness

By MojoFiction

Does Santa Claus ride a Harley? Is it okay to post nude pictures of your friends all over town if you tell them it’s for a good cause? And just what is a placenta anyway?

These are the hard questions Gerald Arthur McGuinness faces growing up in the small, confused town of Isely, Colorado. He barely gets the chance to enjoy being born before he’s suddenly causing controversy at his own baptism, starring on the cover of Time magazine, and saving Christmas, all by the time he’s six. But when he enters high school and joins “The League of Secret Heroes” he realizes the questions and complications of his life are only beginning. Like plunging into the whitewater of the Arkansas River without a raft, Gerald discovers how strange and wonderful life can be on the path to becoming the ultimate legend...

• Language: English
• Publisher: MojoFiction
• Release date: Feb 8, 2013
• ISBN: 9781301199686

MojoFiction

MojoFiction is really just a strange pen name (though there's method to it...) for a native from the state of Colorado. Unfortunately, I currently live in Illinois, which is hardly mountainous, which leads to a lot of travel to less geographically-challenged places. I am an avid lover of the outdoors, believe in the importance of family, sometime watch cartoons, and spare no expense in an effort to be funny (no matter how many times I might crash and burn). When I'm not writing or hiking or being lazy, I have a day job in the city of Chicago, though I call in sick to attend Cubs games as often as possible. Mostly because tickets are quite affordable when your team su- ... isn't as good as the other teams.

Book preview

THE LEGEND

OF

GERALD ARTHUR

MCGUINNESS

a novel

by

MojoFiction

This book is a work of fiction. No part of the contents relate to any real person or persons. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

Copyright © 2013 MojoFiction

Smashwords Edition

All rights reserved

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

This book is dedicated to all you incredible dads out there. You know who you are. Give yourself a pat on the back. Nice job. Now go fix junior’s bike – the chain fell off again.

PROLOGUE

Mt. Elbert – Colorado – 14,433 Feet

MT. ELBERT lies deep in the Rocky Mountains of Colorado, south of Leadville, after several miles of mountain roads. The hike to the summit covers over four thousand feet of elevation, a good eight-mile round trip in the thin mountain air for the experienced hiker. It’s a journey for people who feel alive exploring the breadth of nature’s greenhouse, surrounded by an aspen forest with a palette of greens and yellows so brilliant they could be painted on.

Gerald Arthur McGuinness has hiked this trail before, and he will again. Today, though, it feels special, special in a way that wouldn’t mean something to anyone else, except his older brother, Robert, who hikes beside him. They started early, just like before, the long drive to the mountain more a pleasure than a chore this time. And the hike…every breath the start of a new life, every turn a miracle of nature that waited all this time for only these two to witness it.

Gerald looks at Robert and wonders if he feels it too: the presence, the history, the end of one journey and the beginning of another. Their dad died on this mountain, many years ago, doing what he always did – taking care of the family; and now Gerald has a family of his own. Robert…well…he’s getting there. If their mom has her way he’ll get there soon (really soon).

Gerald’s wife and son wait for him back at home, along with Robert’s new girlfriend. When the boys finish hiking, they’ll swing back down and pick up their significant others for a weekend of camping. Gerald’s son is only six months old, not too young to camp in the mountains, but too young for the hike. His wife, happy to get away from the city for the weekend, gave him the green light to hike with Robert for the day, so long as he gets back early enough to take them up to the campsite for a fireside cookout followed the next day by communing with nature. The brothers will be on their way down from the summit well before noon but they linger at the top, breathing in the cool air that can only be found at the top of the second highest peak in the continental United States. That’s when the memories take over – first a feeling, then an image, then a flood.

Gerald smiles.

Twelve years ago, two months before his seventeenth birthday, Gerald’s dad, Allan McGuinness, woke him up at four-thirty in the morning, tossed him his hiking boots and said, Let’s go. That was it. No further explanation. Along with Robert, they hopped in the Cherokee, where his dad had already loaded in hiking and camping supplies, and drove west from the small town of Isley in the darkness along Highway 24.

They parked in an empty lot at the trailhead that morning, which meant, if they kept a good pace, they would have the mountain to themselves all the way to the top. Allan pulled out their fully-loaded packs and a brand new hiking stick that he obviously bought at a sporting goods store, leaving Gerald to find his own stick along the way. They hiked through the dawn hours at a rapid pace, with Allan and Robert easily leading the way. When the sun fully rose, they finally slowed down. Gerald wanted to keep going, to avoid any possible conversation, but Allan, as usual, wanted to take it all in. He always hiked like it was the first time he’d ever set foot outside. As a teenager, Gerald didn’t understand that, and he wasn’t in the mood anyway. He should be sleeping and moping – the right of any depressed teenager – not hiking. When he moved ahead, trying to quicken the pace, his dad called out to him.

Relax, Gerald. The mountain’s not going anywhere. Why don’t you enjoy it?

Gerald stopped and let his dad catch up. Then he gave him the is there a point? look.

All right, said Allan, ready to head off the problem immediately. I think you’re finally old enough to hear this, so listen up.

Gerald rolled his eyes; his dad continued as if he didn’t notice.

A hike like this, Gerald, you know what it’s like?

I give up.

It’s like knowing you’re going to get laid.

It… Wait… What?

And not by some varsity cheerleader with too much makeup on who got drunk at the prom after-party and her boyfriend left with someone else.

Dad…

I’m talking about with the girl of your dreams. You’ve seen her, you’ve watched her, you’ve worked up the nerve to talk to her. Next thing you know you’re going out, or whatever you kids say these days. Gerald’s dad refused to say hooking-up, or hang and bang, and don’t even get him started on sexting. Finally, you know it’s going to happen. Tonight. So, of course, the day takes forever to go by. You drive to her house because her parents are gone for the night. You don’t remember the drive because all you can think about is her. Touching her. Experiencing her. And then you’re there and it’s everything you imagined it would be. You realize you don’t want it to end; you want to hold her all night long, into the morning hours. But then her parents come home and the wind blows out of your sails and you sprain your ankle jumping out her second floor bedroom window.

Allan grinned and pointed at Gerald like he knew something he shouldn’t.

And let me tell you, Gerald, it’s always on the second floor.

That’s right, it was. But how many people knew that?

Jesus, Dad, how did you…

Don’t be those parents, Gerald. That’s all I’m saying.

With no response from Gerald, Allan said, Good, I’m glad we had this talk. Then he moved past Gerald and continued down the path. With a sigh, Gerald fell in behind.

Shortly before noon they sat alone at the top of the mountain. They watched cloud shadows drift across the valley below and gazed into the distance at the peak of Mt. Massive and beyond.

Okay, Gerald said, unable to stand it any longer. Are you guys finally going to tell me what this is about? You’ve hardly said anything the whole way up.

And you’ve hardly looked at anything, said Allan. You don’t have to talk on a hike like this. But looking down at your shoes while all this passes you by… That’s a sin.

Great, so, it’s what, lesson time again?

Gerald’s dad watched him closely for a moment, studying him, which always made Gerald uncomfortable. He looked at Robert for help, but his brother simply shrugged, keeping his silence.

Finally, Allan said, You can’t bring her back, Gerald. But you already know that. So, why don’t you tell me what’s really bothering you.

Gerald picked up a small rock and tossed it over the side, not bothering to watch where it went. By the time they made it to the top he figured out why they were there. His dad wanted to force him to talk about Amanda Pertwell. How could his dad understand what he was going through? At sixteen, it hadn’t occurred to Gerald that Allan had lived his own life as well, but it wasn’t like he could duck into his room and lock the door either, so he took a deep breath and asked the obvious one.

It’s just… I mean, what’s the point, you know?

You mean, why are we here?

No, I mean why was she? And what am I supposed to do now?

I’ll tell you a secret, Gerald. No one can say why they’re here until they’ve lived.

That’s a lot of help.

Allan paused for a moment, seemingly thinking something over. Then he said, Gerald, I think it’s important to understand how you got here first. I think that might help clear things up for you. There are a few things I’ve been meaning to share with you for a long time.

Like what, we have a dirty family secret or something?

It’s more of a comical family history. We are McGuinnesses you know.

Yeah, I’m aware.

Gerald, did you know that you were famous by the time you were a year-and-a-half old?

Mom mentioned something about it. Showed me the magazine cover.

Yeah, but you didn’t read the article did you?

Mom’s afraid to take it out of that frame.

Yeah, that’s right. Okay, look, you have to go all the way back to the beginning to get the whole picture.

It can’t be that great, said Gerald. He thought he’d remember anything extraordinarily special about his life without someone else relating it to him.

No? You should hear everyone else tell it, said Allan.

Everyone else? Tell what?

You’ve touched a lot of people, Gerald, and you’re barely seventeen. I’ll try to get it right, but your mom may disagree on the facts…slightly. Trust me; this is the way it happened.

CHAPTER 1: PARENTS

Part 1: Birth

GERALD Arthur McGuinness enters the world on an unusually hot September night in Isley, Colorado, to the flash of lightning and the sound of thunder. It is providence, Allan McGuinness can feel it. Only the rare child arrives amidst such a fury from the heavens. Allan’s wife, Lillian, disagrees because she rages with a fury of her own by the time they get to the hospital, mostly because she’s about to give birth. Somehow, she finds the time to scream at Allan that a child is born every seven seconds so it can’t be that freaking rare. Hardly a convincing argument, thinks Allan.

Twelve hours and one emergency C-section later, the doctor hands off the new ten-pound raisin to a nurse named Walter, who takes one look at Gerald and says, He just peed on me. The nurse groans in disgust, places Gerald on a table, measures him, weighs him, counts his digits, and wraps him up tight in a cloth.

Back at the operating table the proud papa gently strokes his exhausted wife’s hair. Due to the C-section, she’s about to go into the recovery room, a place Allan would like to visit to take a nap. They have both been through a lot that day, though the hospital staff would argue Allan didn’t do anything except stand around like a confused cheerleader (P-U-S-H push, push, push!), a fact Allan firmly denies. He was in no way confused. He’s simply an uncomplicated guy who takes what’s in front of him at face value and anyone who knows him knows that. That’s his excuse for everything.

Allan McGuinness is a financial advisor, one of only a few in the area. Online brokerage has only just begun; it won’t replace a good financial advisor any time soon. Besides, many residents prefer to stay local in their business dealings instead of bothering with the evolving internet or going to Denver, or even Colorado Springs, so Allan manages to do all right for himself with his small but steady base of clients. That makes Lillian happy because she prefers to stay at home and raise the children. You wouldn’t know that if you knew her before she married Allan. She didn’t know it either until she gave birth to her first child, Robert, who just turned four.

It’s important to know the parents to truly understand the legacy of Gerald Arthur McGuinness.

* * *

ALLAN McGuinness is born in Isley when it’s a much smaller town. It has been able to retain the small-town charm over the years, but it has steadily grown. A lot of townies, and some retirees from Denver who wanted out of the big city but didn’t want to go to Florida or Scottsdale, or wanted to stay close to family, live in Isley. If it takes a village to raise a child, it takes a village of senior citizens to produce Allan McGuinness.

Allan’s family doesn’t deviate much from a stereotypical small town. He’s a second child, but his parents space him out eight years from his older brother, so he doesn’t get into the traditional childhood fights with him over who took whose toy or who’s not sharing. He never suffers second child syndrome. He attends St. Matthew’s church regularly, makes friends with the neighbor kids, chases frogs and other local wildlife at Phelps creek, lands his first kiss with Judy Huntington at thirteen (he doesn’t understand all the hype, but it was on a dare anyway), and gets pulled over outside the town on route Y by officer Bill Friedman, three days after getting his driver’s license, while driving Brendon Huntington’s truck and explaining to Brendon why he kissed Brendon’s sister three years ago, all while they share a joint with Steve Brennamen, Sandy Hollings, Marco Hidalgo, and Rita Owing.

Howdy boys, says Officer Friedman.

Blank, wide-eyed stares greet him back. Allan…he wants to throw up.

How about I see that driver’s license.

Blank, wide-eyed stares.

You have a driver’s license, son?

Oh, uh, yeah… says Allan. Let me find it.

Hello, Steve, says Officer Friedman.

Hi, Bill. I mean Officer Friedman.

When does your brother finish that master’s degree?

End of this year.

Well tell him he needs to stop back in Isley and see his buddy Bill.

Okay.

Allan hands over his driver’s license with shaking hands, because his life as he knows it is over.

Tell you what…Allan…seeing as you just got this license I’m going to give you a break. Just slow it down some, all right?

Allan can’t believe it. His bladder almost releases, but he brings it under control.

Oh, and I need you to hand over the stuff, says Officer Friedman.

The what? asks Marco.

C’mon now, who’s got it?

Reluctantly, Rita hands over the roach.

You boys should know better than to involve these young ladies in such nefarious activities.

Yes sir, we won’t do it again, says Steve.

All right then, lesson learned. Now who’s got a lighter?

Typical small town stuff.

In high school, Allan realizes he has an aptitude for numbers and a knack for making money – not a lot, but enough to always get by. He works hard and becomes more or less self-sufficient when he leaves for college, where he translates his numbers-savvy ways into a degree in economics, which he quickly finds out doesn’t exactly attract the ladies at parties.

Hi, I’m Allan.

Hi Allan, I’m whoever.

I don’t work out and I study econ.

Bye Allan.

So it goes.

After college Allan lands a job with Phillips Financial, a full-service brokerage in Denver, where he picks up his licenses and learns the ropes. It’s only after a couple of years that he feels the pull of small-town life, along with never-ending phone calls from friends asking him to come back and visit, and decides to go back to Isley to try his luck as a financial advisor with Phillips. He figures he has a foot in the door with much of the town already and they’ll at least humor him when he calls.

Since you don’t build a book of business overnight, Allan moonlights as a bartender at an Applebee’s that somehow wandered into the city limits, apparently after getting lost on the way to Denver. It’s the first restaurant chain in Isley, even beating out McDonald’s and Starbuck’s, which should come with a special award. However, longtime residents openly complain about the suburban chain diner invading their town.

Ruins the charm.

Hurts local business.

They don’t have a discount menu.

Shut up, Rupert.

What? What did I say?

No one cares about a discount menu you cheap old bastard.

I am not cheap!

Isn’t that why your wife divorced you?

I’m not divorced. I didn’t want to pay for a lawyer, so the whole thing dragged out so long she decided to stay.

Allan ignores the chatter because he needs the extra money and he doesn’t care where he works, plus, bartending seems like a good way to meet some new women. …Unless you don’t work out and have a degree in econ. So Allan quits bartending and takes a salaried job at Isley Credit Union. Shortly thereafter, Allan meets the love of his life, Lillian Annette Mackelfee. Though, it’s possible that, with Allan’s track record, any girl who agreed to a second date would have been the love of his life.

One night, Allan and a couple of friends (the ones that never left town after high school, but Allan doesn’t bring that up around them) drive into Colorado Springs to hit a few bars and have a good time. When you live in a small town it’s usually a good idea to get in trouble in a different town. The last bar they patronize is Pembry’s, where Lillian bartends and has been for the last eight months.

Allan reads a decent review of Pembry’s in the lifestyle section of the newspaper. The service rating is okay, but the beer selection supposedly beats out any bar in the area. He floats it by his pals and they all agree to check it out.

Pembry’s sits on the corner of a busy intersection, but Allan finds parking on a side street only two blocks away. Looking through the full-sized picture windows lining the side of the establishment, he sees bodies packing the place. He hopes they can at least find a spot at the bar.

Inside it is all dark wood, worn down from time and drunk college grads. My kind of place, thinks Allan as he leads his friends through the maze of bodies to get to the bar. One look at the girl behind the bar and Allan almost falls over. Then he steps on someone’s foot and really does. On the way down, he reflects on the cruelty of life: surely, this will not impress a beautiful girl. He can’t see it from his position on the floor, but the bartender doesn’t even bother to snicker at his inadvertent crash. With everything else that’s going on, she simply doesn’t care.

* * *

LILLIAN Mackelfee, unfortunately, has a problem. She’s jaded. Jaded with a capital M.E.N.A.R.E.P.I.G.S. (or, if she’s had a few drinks, F.U.C.K.I.N.G.P.I.G.S). Her life doesn’t revolve around men (unless they’re really good looking), but she understands that it did for a while and now what does she have to show for it? Don’t ask her directly, but the answer is clearly Nothing. It doesn’t matter that she’s self-sufficient. She owns her own car (a pick-up truck and she likes it that way), she rents her own apartment, holds down a steady job, frequently road-trips or camps away a long weekend with friends, or pulls out her favorite mountain bike and doesn’t look back. That’s right, she has NOTHING.

The whole down-hill slide starts in high school when she meets Richard Hammels.

Lillian’s family moves from Kansas City to Boulder on her fourteenth birthday because her father lands a gig at the University of Colorado teaching Architectural Engineering. Unfortunately, in Boulder the cost of living ranks higher than most of the surrounding states, so the family lives closer to Denver than they would like. For her father, the Denver Broncos represent the mortal enemy of the Chiefs, so they spend more money on a satellite cable package than they would like, though, unlike the phone bill for his daughter’s personal line, he never complains about the cost of cable television.

Until the move, Lillian looked like she was on the path to brooding-teenage-punk girl, wearing only black, listening to heavy metal that, admittedly, she didn’t really like (it just seemed like the thing to do), and smoking. Kansas City wasn’t for her, with the population pressed together, the constant buzzing of noise, and the pressure to look and act older than she was. She searched for any possible way to rebel against it all and, like many teenagers, looked ridiculous doing it. But Lillian falls in love with Boulder and the surrounding countryside immediately.

The town, while popular with tourists and trust fund kids, feels open and free. It’s a new beginning and she is a free spirit. She loses the all-black ensemble, the music, and the cigarettes, replacing them with summer dresses, winter ski-suits, and weekend hiking gear. She gets an expensive bike for her sixteenth birthday, not because she doesn’t want a car, but because her new school friends plan on biking the nearby mountain trails all summer long. She meets her first boyfriend, Richard, on one of those bike rides.

Richard is seventeen and has the foresight to ask for a Jeep for his sixteenth birthday. His father has the foresight to earn enough money to easily buy it. A year later he has already put almost twenty thousand miles on it. One weekend he decides to take a trip to Blackhawk for some mountain biking. It’s a Saturday, and an even day, so it’s bikers only on the trail – no hikers. Richard invites his two-man crew, Vincent and Rocco, two New York transplants, but in name only – they’ve gone native. Rocco, of course, can’t go anywhere without his new girlfriend Sarah, and since he invites Sarah then Vinnie invites Beth and now Richard feels like a fifth wheel on his own car, and he’s the one driving. Fortunately, Beth knows a nice girl who happens to be Lillian who happens to have a sweet new mountain bike and happens to be readily available to even out the body count for Saturday biking.

The crew ends up taking two vehicles, due to the number of bikes. If there’s one thing more dangerous than a teenager driving the twisting mountain roads, it’s two of them at the same time, with one being from New York. Beth realizes this and forces Vinnie to let her drive. Lillian rides with Richard and they hit it off immediately. She’s never gone on a trip like this without her parents or some other adults and she waits for the awkward teenage moments to kick in, but they never do. It’s the easiest time Lillian ever has falling into a relationship.

Unfortunately, where Lillian is sixteen Richard will soon be eighteen. He’s set on finishing high school in December, after only the first half of the year, because he’s already fulfilled his requirements and has a three-point-nine grade average. Instead of sticking around, he’s going to spend winter and summer in Europe and then it’s off to the Ivy League.

Lillian doesn’t know about these plans and Richard doesn’t tell her. He wants to have some fun and then go off to college. Lillian wants to get married and live in a Barbie house. At least that’s the fantasy that pops into her head when Richard kisses her for the first time. Later, when she looks back on how she felt, she throws up a little in her mouth. Goth, grunge, whatever she was doing in Kansas City, was all about avoiding stereotypes, and she fell right into one anyway.

When Richard finally explains his plans to Lillian at the beginning of the school year, she cries for a week. It doesn’t help that he breaks up with her. Just when she thought she might be ready for her First Time, that he was the right boy, he says something about it being the best for both of them and how he doesn’t think her first time should be with a boy she may never see again. Well, she’s seen teenage comedies on late night cable, when her parents were asleep, and that doesn’t seem right. It doesn’t occur to her that, right or wrong, many young men would not take the same stance as Richard.

Whether it’s because of Richard or because of a dearth of likable guys, Lillian somehow makes it through high school without having sex.

Hello college.

In record time, Lillian catches up on her worst class, Kama Sutra 101. She attends this class during her freshman year with Frederick Holmann. Unfortunately, Frederick turns out to be a theatre major and often prepares deeply for his roles late into the night with other members of the cast, female or male, and he would rather have a casual relationship, otherwise, how can he ever become a great actor? Strangely enough, it turns out Frederick Holmann is not for her.

Even worse, Lillian discovers that she doesn’t want to sleep with anyone who isn’t going to be monogamous and who she isn’t going to sleep with more than once. She doesn’t want one-night stands or anything of that sort. Try as she might, and much to the disappointment of guys all over campus, she can’t be a slut.

Unfortunately, after Frederick Holmann she dates a string of boyfriends who suck. So Lillian decides to fly solo for a while. She focuses on her major in physical education, which may not seem like much, but can lead to enjoyable work if you plan on living in Colorado.

Near the end of her college career she meets a graduate student named Michael Pingsley and falls instantly in love. Luckily, he shares her feelings. They both graduate at the same time and move to Colorado Springs where Michael changes his mind and announces that he actually loves some chick named Joleen that he met on a white-water rafting trip at the Royal Gorge. A trip that he took with Lillian. Three months ago. Joleen is completely nuts about Michael The Dickwad Pingsley, but she’s also nuts about her roommate Amber, which provides some insight into why Michael loves Joleen. The three move in together shortly thereafter.

So Lillian learns to never date a man with a degree in philosophy, and certainly