EndTheMadness Guide to the Shidduch World

By Chananya Weissman

The EndTheMadness Guide to the Shidduch World is the definitive book on what's really wrong in the shidduch world and what needs to be done to fix it. It contains 267 pages of straight talk, including a comprehensive analysis of the various layers of the problems, practical solutions that apply to the entire community, and a wealth of supporting Torah sources and ideas.

Features:

The shidduch world explained to aliens
How did we get here? And how do we get to a better way?
Real lessons from the Torah
The EndTheMadness Label Lexicon
Stupid and insensitive things people say to singles
The Dating Survival Guide for Orthodox Jewish Men
Calculate your value on the shidduch market!
Bitachon vs. Hishtadlus -- finding the right balance

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Nov 21, 2013
• ISBN: 9781483517520

Book preview

© 2013

Chananya Weissman

www.endthemadness.org

[e-mail]

ISBN: 9781483517520

Cover Design by Marina Lubomirsky

[e-mail]

CONTENTS

Introduction

The Problem

Chapter 1 – Truth Is Stranger Than Science Fiction

Chapter 2 – The Elusive and Illusive Quest for Frumkeit.

Chapter 3 – The Elimination of Natural Meetings

Chapter 4 – The Failure of the Matchmaking System

Chapter 5 – Just Follow the Script

Chapter 6 – The Rise of Feminism

Chapter 7 – The Advancement of Technology

The EndTheMadness Label Lexicon

Chapter 8 – The Dreaded Shidduch Résumé

Chapter 9 – Stupid and Insensitive Things

People Say To Singles

Chapter 10 – The Isolation of Singles

Chapter 11 – False Hope

(or what dating web sites should file for)

The Solution

Chapter 1 – Wise Words from a Blind Man

Chapter 2 – The EndTheMadness Covenant

Chapter 3 – Natural Meetings

Chapter 4 – Events for Singles (NOT Singles Events)

Chapter 5 – Matchmaking

Chapter 6 – HotKiddush: Online Meetings Revolutionized.

Chapter 7 – The Role of Singles in the Solution

Chapter 8 – The Role of the Community

Chapter 9 – Dating More Than One Person at a Time

Chapter 10 – When Should One Begin Dating?

Chapter 11 – Should One Wait for an Older Sibling?

Chapter 12 – Icebreakers

Chapter 13 – Short Lessons from the Torah

Epilogue

Appendix

The Dating Survival Guide for Orthodox Jewish Men

The Shidduch Value Calculator

Debunking the Age Gap Theory

The Dhimmis Among Us: Judaism’s Lower Class

Appropriate Shidduch Questions

Bitachon and Hishtadlus in Shidduchim (and elsewhere)

INTRODUCTION

I was wrong.

In October 2002, when EndTheMadness went live, I believed that changing the shidduch world was simply a matter of explaining to people the true nature of the problem and outlining the correct approach. Granted, many people would disagree with these ideas and dismiss them out of hand, but that didn't matter. The many people who would agree would be excited by this campaign and the refreshing voice of sanity it offered. They would find the courage to act according to principles they always believed in and encourage others to do the same.

Before long the superiority of this approach would become evident, motivating others on the fence or with less courage to join. Over time even those who initially disagreed with ETM would be forced to acknowledge that something special was going on that simply could not be ignored. The more open-minded of these people would break away from their former, failed ideas and embrace this better way.

In a matter of months or just a few years, the entire face of the shidduch world would change; ETM’s approach would become the mainstream, widely preferred way. People would wonder why they ever approached shidduchim any other way. Longstanding problems in the community would finally be alleviated, and youngsters would once again look forward to the age of dating and marriage with optimism and excitement, not fear and dread.

It was a beautiful vision – and still is – but I was wrong. I underestimated the power of fear and inertia that gripped the community. I overlooked the stiff-necked nation that we are and counted too much on our being a wise and understanding nation. I failed to fully appreciate that even if I could win the minds and hearts of many people, something deep inside the psyche of our people would prevent them from acting in even the smallest of ways. Nachshon ben Aminadav is still the exception, not the rule.

The Orthodox Jewish world is naturally resistant to change of any kind, good or bad. We are suspicious of anything that we are not familiar with as being a mortal threat to our very soul and the future of our people. This comes mainly from two sources. The Torah and its laws are extremely nuanced and must be studied with the greatest of care and attention to detail. We are exhorted to be patient in judgment because any slight factor can influence the proper interpretation. Consequently, our minds have been trained through Torah study to be deliberate, and this makes it extremely difficult to change something that has already taken root in the community. When there is any doubt, we will stay with the status quo.

The other reason why we are naturally resistant to change comes from many generations of experience. Attempted changes and improvements to the accepted way of doing things have often been sinister attempts to undercut our teachings and traditions.

The problem, of course, is twofold. First, sometimes change is necessary, and is not only fully in line with the Torah but required to uphold it or to rectify a deviation from it. Second, change happens whether we like it or not, whether we want it to or not, and whether we choose to recognize it or not. If our stance on change is that it is almost invariably a bad deal and should be rejected, the only changes that will happen – and they WILL happen – will be bad ones. Good changes happen with foresight, effort, and positive action. Bad changes can happen entirely on their own.

The shidduch world has undergone many changes in recent times, and they have been very bad ones. The specifics of these changes, the reasons for them, and the negative impact they have had will form the greater portion of the first part of this book. These changes have taken on a life of their own and will continue to evolve in a negative way unless the community summons the drive to break out of this mess and change for the better.

Changing for the better is very easy. Summoning the drive to make these changes is a great challenge. That’s where I was wrong. I thought the latter would come naturally. But at least the changing itself is not as onerous as some might fear.

What will it take to summon this drive for positive change? Only one thing will do it: desperation.

Chances are that you are already somewhat familiar with EndTheMadness and believe at least that it has something important to offer. Chances are also that you have done nothing to promote this and currently have no intention of ever doing so. That’s because you’re a stiff-necked Jew who is afraid of change and the consequences of promoting change among others who are resistant to it. That’s okay, I still love you. But I hope you recognize that there is something tragically defective with this behavior, and when it is widespread across the community it creates dysfunction.

The only way you will overcome this impediment is if you are absolutely desperate. You have to be brought to believe that there is simply no other way, that NOT changing is guaranteed to fail with horrific consequences. As long as you hold out any small hope that things aren’t so bad, or that it seems to work for many people, or that we just need to make some minor changes, or that the situation is under control and in good hands, or any other such rationalization, then you are not yet desperate and will not act.

Simply put, my goal in the first part of this book is to make you despair. Then you will embrace the second part of the book, which will outline the Torah-true approach that addresses the heart of the problems. If enough people in our community utterly despair of any hope with the current shidduch system, then the dominoes can begin to fall and the beautiful vision of a better way will become reality in our time.

THE PROBLEM

CHAPTER 1

TRUTH IS STRANGER

THAN SCIENCE FICTION

Imagine that aliens visited our planet and brought a few Orthodox Jews onto their spaceship to question them about our beliefs and practices. The aliens had heard about a nation that was wiser than all others, and had spent the last 3000 years traveling here to meet this wondrous people and learn from them.

At some point the aliens question their panel on their process for finding a mate.

Oh, we have a wonderful system in place for that, said the Rebbetzin in the group. When a boy or girl is ready to start dating the mother will call the local shadchan and we take care of everything.

Just a moment, interjected Gorgon, the alien conducting the interview. Why does the mother make the call?

The Rebbetzin rolled her eyes. I’m sorry, I thought that was obvious. We’re dealing with boys and girls here. They can’t be trusted to find their own shidduch.

But they can be trusted to mate, have children, build a home, and raise a family?

Well, it’s expected that they will continue to receive help and guidance from their parents.

Nevertheless, they are still entrusted with these awesome responsibilities. Why are they not entrusted with an equal measure of responsibility for finding their own mate?

The Rebbetzin became flustered, but fortunately the Chasid in the group had a quick reply. It’s too dangerous to allow young people to date on their own. They might fall in love with someone who isn’t right for them. The parents know what is best for their children and will be able to weed out the people who aren’t appropriate.

Gorgon turned his attention to the bearded one, wondering why he was wearing fur in the middle of the summer, but saved that question for a later time. "I have many questions in response to your reply. There is still a great deal of inconsistency in the responsibilities you hand your children after they marry and the extreme lack of confidence you have in them immediately before they marry. Your reply fails to adequately address this.

"You express fear that your children, who are adults at the time, will marry someone unsuitable if allowed to find their own mate. Doesn’t this call into question your entire educational system and ability to instill your children with proper values and decision-making ability? If your society is not able to selfperpetuate without being compelled along that path, does that not essentially mean that few would embrace your way of life if given a true choice – and does that not therefore call into question your way of life?

Finally, you assert that only parents can be trusted to find an appropriate mate for their children. But wouldn’t you agree that often parents can be blinded by faulty judgment, external considerations, or their own love, and that their ability to find a suitable match for their children is no less questionable than that of the children themselves? Should they not at least be equal partners in this search, if not the children playing a dominant role and the parents a supporting one?

The Chasid’s face turned deep red and he mumbled something about the Rebbe’s teachings and the fact that it was always done this way. An awkward silence descended upon the group. The seminary girl raised her hand and blushed when all eyes turned to her.

I know my parents want only the best for me and I trust them to network with shadchanim to find me an appropriate match (B’ezras Hashem very soon!). When they find me a shidduch I still have to go out with the boy and decide if he is for me (with their guidance, of course).

Gorgon addressed the young lady. What happens if you feel very strongly that a certain young man is the right person for you and your parents disagree?

Oh, that would never happen.

I see. What happens if you feel that a certain young man is NOT the right person for you, and your parents insist that he is the best match?

Well, that probably won’t happen either. My parents do a LOT of research before agreeing to a date, so if we are already going to meet then we must be very close to being a good match. We just have to go out a few times to see if we have chemistry, that’s all.

Gorgon’s face changed color a few times. I have many questions to ask you about this process. But before we get to those questions, your response does not answer my previous question. What happens if, after meeting a young man that has been approved by your parents, you do not desire him but your parents insist he is the person for you to marry?

"I guess it depends on the reason. If there is something very wrong with him I guess the shidduch won’t work. But if it’s just a feeling that I have I would probably trust my parents and marry him. We learned in seminary that we can’t trust our feelings because we are immature and they are probably coming from the yetzer hara, but our parents and teachers will know what is best for us."

So you will marry someone you don’t really want to marry because you don’t trust your own feelings?

No, I WOULD want to marry him because that’s what Hashem wants me to do.

Gorgon motioned to his associates and they had a quick discussion in their own language, apparently digesting the responses of the seminary girl. Meanwhile, the Rebbetzin beamed with pride at the seminary girl, who smiled bashfully and looked down at the floor.

Gorgon addressed the Rebbetzin once again. You mentioned before that children are not to be trusted to take charge of their search for a shidduch. Does this mean that unmarried people beyond a certain age are then given this trust? If so, what is this age, and what happens at that time to give them this presumed maturity that they lacked before? Additionally, why is it not possible for younger singles to reach this same level of maturity?

The Rebbetzin was visibly pleased to be consulted for her wisdom. Generally speaking, as long as someone has never been married he or she is considered a child when it comes to shidduchim. We will refer to them as boys and girls even late into their adult years, because only a married person is a true adult. So the parents and the shadchanim will continue to be in the lead when it comes to finding a shidduch. Of course, if an older single approaches us on their own we will work with them, but if the parents are not involved or, God forbid, they no longer have parents, the shadchan is happy to act as a parent for them.

The Rebbetzin sniffed. Of course, many of these older singles need someone to act as a parent for them. Maybe that’s why they are single.

Gorgon glanced at a single man at the back of the group who had not yet spoken, before addressing the Rebbetzin. You have thus far failed to validate your presumptions on maturity and the distribution of responsibility in this matter, but I must ask for more information on something the seminary girl mentioned earlier. She said her parents do a lot of research before agreeing to a shidduch. What is the nature of this research?

Oh, we find out EVERYTHING about a person! And their family! We make sure everything is just right and only then do we go ahead with the shidduch.

"Why must everything be known about the family?

Come on, that’s a silly question! If there is a ‘problem’ in the family it can ruin a shidduch.

I’m sorry if you disagree with the pertinence of the question, but please clarify what sort of problem you are referring to and why it should impact a shidduch.

"Well, as we all know, some families have members who aren’t so frum, rachmana litzlan, and naturally this is both shameful and can have a negative influence on the boy or girl. We need to know about these things when considering a shidduch."

Are you saying that a young man or woman might be entirely suitable for someone, with no relevant defects, yet will be rejected because of a family member not up to standard?

The Rebbetzin laughed. Maybe you should check your translating devices, because that’s exactly what I’m saying. We can’t set up someone from a perfect family with someone from a blemished family! Unless, of course, other things compensate for that.

Such as what?

Well, if the blemished family can afford a nice apartment for the new couple, that would help even things out. We take all these things into consideration. Like I said, obviously this is all beyond the ability of boys and girls to deal with. They might not pay any attention to things like family blemishes and financial status, and then we would have chaos on our hands! The Rebbetzin shuddered frightfully.

The Chasid motioned and jumped into the conversation. "It isn’t only blemishes in the family that we need to look for, but serious differences in hashkafa. A boy might find a pretty girl and decide he wants to marry her even if she isn’t chassidish, or at least from a similar sect. What kind of family would they have? How would they raise their children?"

Gorgon turned to the Chasid. Isn’t this something they would talk about before getting married? Isn’t it possible that two people can be right for one another even if their upbringing is different? Are there not many examples of this in your own history?

Of course, anything is POSSIBLE, but why should we waste our time looking into people who are already problematic and seeing if it can work? Why not just find someone who already matches more perfectly?

Maybe the perfection of a match depends on other factors more so than on similarity of upbringing? Maybe the criteria used to determine suitability of a shidduch should be reconsidered?

That’s crazy talk! shouted the Chasid. I thought you wanted us to teach you the Torah way of doing things. It seems like you’re just here to challenge it.

One of the aliens to Gorgon’s side reached for something in his belt, but Gorgon stopped him. We are indeed here to learn your ways and hope to understand them. However, part of this process includes critically examining your ideas so that we can get to their underlying truths. Ideas must be challenged to prove their strength and veracity. This is in fact how the Torah is studied, is it not?

The Chasid relaxed slightly. Maybe in the Beis Medrash, but when it comes to real life we do what the Rebbe says and we don’t ask questions!

A kollel student who had yet to speak piped up. What we mean to say is that it is just too dangerous to let people from different backgrounds meet. Yes, they might be right for each other, but it’s just too dangerous that they will develop feelings for each other and want to continue a relationship that isn’t right.

Gorgon turned to him. You reiterate the notion others have expressed that the feelings of people when dating are dangerous and not to be trusted. Do you believe it is safer for people to suppress their feelings or to simply ignore them when choosing a partner?

"No,