Big Girls Do Cry

By Jacqueline Jock

Eighth-graders Jade, Alissa, and Sam have been best friends since third grade. Get to know them through diary-like entries as they deal with friendships, boys, peer pressure, experimentation, family problems, cutting, and bullying. Join them on a nineteen-day journey that culminates in a night that will change their lives in unexpected ways.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Jacqueline Jock
• Release date: Jul 6, 2013
• ISBN: 9781301321339

Book preview

Day Seven

Day Eight

Day Nine

Day Ten

Day Eleven

Day Twelve

Day Thirteen

Day Fourteen

Day Fifteen

Day Sixteen

Day Seventeen

Day Eighteen

Day Nineteen

Alissa’s Account

Day One

Day Two

Day Three

Day Four

Day Five

Day Six

Day Seven

Day Eight

Day Nine

Day Ten

Day Eleven

Day Twelve

Day Thirteen

Day Fourteen

Day Fifteen

Day Sixteen

Day Seventeen

Day Eighteen

Day Nineteen

Sam’s Account

Day One

Day Two

Day Three

Day Four

Day Five

Day Six

Day Seven

Day Eight

Day Nine

Day Ten

Day Eleven

Day Twelve

Day Thirteen

Day Fourteen

Day Fifteen

Day Sixteen

Day Seventeen

Day Eighteen

Day Nineteen

The Dance

Over the Next Two Weeks

Jade

Alissa

Sam

Discussion Questions

The Locker Room

Help! Someone, help!!! Oh my God, please! Torie screamed as she ran down the hallway. Her face was ashen; her eyes were as big as saucers. Ms. S., hurry, she nearly choked.

Torie, calm down. Tell me . . .

Torie grabbed Ms. Schoenfliehs’ arm and raced down the hall to the girls’ locker room. Her hand felt clammy on Ms.Schoenfliehs’ skin. She slammed the door into the wall and pointed, her finger shaking and her face contorting in disgust, disbelief, and fear. Ms. Schoenfliehs’ eyes followed Torie’s pointed finger to a bloody heap on the floor. Blood was everywhere. The pale green walls were spotted. The grey floor held a pool of purplish- red blood. On the floor in the pool of blood lay a slender, dark-haired girl, her face, hair, yellow shirt, and jeans covered in fresh blood. It was unclear if she was breathing.

Ms. Schoenfliehs started shaking; she felt as though she would either pass out or wretch but knew she was Jade’s only hope. Breathe, she told herself. Take deep breaths. She didn’t want to touch the blood but knew there would be no gloves. Torie, grab me towels. Is there anything I can use? She spotted plastic grocery bags holding some girls’ shoes. Grab me a bag. She quickly dumped out the shoes, slipped her hand inside the bag, and tried for a pulse. It was faint, but it was there.

Jade, stay with us. It’s Ms. S. and Torie. Torie, call 911 now! Jade, breathe. Can you hear me? Stay with us. We’re gonna get help. Did you get through, Torie? Jade’s eyes fluttered for a second, then closed again. Jade, please, honey, we’re here.

Torie, despite her shaking hands, managed to make the call, Yes, the middle school locker room. Hurry. There’s a lot of blood. Ms. S., is she breathing?

She is, and her eyes started to open.

She is breathing. Okay. Ms. S., we need to keep talking to her. They’re coming.

Torie, grab my walkie out of my pocket and call the principal. Press the button on the side, and say that there’s an emergency in the girls’ locker room and that I am here. Jade, keep breathing, the ambulance is on the way. Torie, what happened?

They don’t know I heard them . . . , Torie hesitated.

Mmh, ohmy, mmh, Jade moaned. I . . . um, ow . . .

Jade, okay, the ambulance is on the way. Honey, stay with us. What hurts most?

Head, mmm, she moaned.

Okay, I don’t want to touch anything and make it worse. Let me wipe some of the blood from your face, okay? Can I do that?

Mm hmm.

Torie, get me another towel. Ms. S. began to wipe Jade’s eyes when she heard a voice outside the door.

Ma’am, it’s Officer Williams and Mrs. Helena. I’m coming in. Any weapons in there?

Ms. S. looked to Torie for an answer. She shrugged and whispered that she didn‘t think so. Not that we know of.

Oh, my God, breathed Mrs. Helena when she saw Jade.

The paramedics are on the way, Ms. S. informed them. I don’t know what happened. Torie got me.

Just then two paramedics rushed in with a stretcher. Is she still breathing? the tall, blonde man asked.

She is, Ms. S. replied, and she spoke a little. She was completely out when I walked in, but she responded a little when I asked what hurt. She said her head.

The paramedics lifted Jade onto the stretcher. She seemed frail and lifeless.

Officer Williams looked at Ms. S. and asked, You said she got you? he pointed at Torie. Ms. S. nodded. Young lady, do you know what happened here?

Torie seemed frightened, as she looked to Ms. S. for guidance. I’m . . . I don’t want anyone to get mad . . . Ms. S., can I talk to you in private?

Miss, this is an emergency. You need to tell me everything you know, explained Officer Williams firmly.

Torie, this is a time when it’s okay to tell. Actually, you have no choice.

But I’ve been trying so hard not to be in people’s business, Torie sobbed. I couldn’t help hearing this . . . I wanted to leave, but I couldn’t.

I know you’ve been working hard. I wish I could stay with you and help you through this, but Jade needs me right now. Just tell the truth, everything you know. Like I said, it’s okay in this situation. We’ll talk later. Mrs. Helena, Officer, I don’t know anything at this point. I walked in and saw Jade like this. I want to go to the hospital. You can reach me on my cell. Ms. S. ran outside and caught up with the ambulance just as they were ready to close the door. Let me ride with her! she yelled.

Let’s hear from Jade, Alissa, and Samantha, to see how this horrific night evolved. We’ll go back about three weeks, nineteen days to be exact.

Jade

Day One

Alissa, Sam, and I are gonna chill at Alissa’s house after school today. Alissa’s dad bought her a new computer, so she wants to show it off. All she had to do was complain that her mother used the computer too much and didn’t let her IM her friends, which is a complete lie. But . . . that was it. Her dad hates her mother so much that Alissa gets anything she wants if she complains about her. Her mom hates her dad as much, but that game doesn’t work with her. Mom buys her stuff if she performs. If she gets good grades or gets a part in a play or does anything that makes the family look good, she gets stuff. She brags about it too. I got this phone cuz I got the lead in the play; I got these shoes for an A in science. I think her mom also buys her stuff just cuz she feels guilty that she’s never home, but Alissa would never say that to anyone.

Don’t get me wrong; I love Alissa. We’ve been friends since like third grade. Sam too. We were all in the same class and used to make fun of the boys in gym class. We’ve had tons of fights in the past five years, mostly me and Alissa, but we always make up. We usually fight when I get tired of Alissa bragging and say something. Then she thinks I’m jealous and we fight. I guess I am a little jealous. Her parents are divorced, and she takes total advantage of it to get whatever she wants. Me, I have to put up with my parents arguing all the time. I’d rather they get divorced and buy me stuff.

Hey, you ready, chicky? Alissa called down the hall, sauntering with her oversized hot pink bag swinging at her side.

Yeah, where’s Sammy? I asked.

Probably having diarrhea or something gross. She ate the school tacos. Nasty! Alissa spotted Sam heading down the hall. There you are, stank-butt. Ya ready or whaa-aat?

What’s your problem? I was waiting for you, Sam replied, looking offended. Sam is easily offended. She lives with her dad, grandmother, and little brother. Her mom died when she was eight, and I think she still has a hard time. Sammy is so nice, but she gets so caught up in what Alissa thinks of her. I guess I do too sometimes.

Let’s go, girls. I wanna see the computer, Alissa, I interrupted, hoping Sam wouldn’t start getting all insecure on us. We linked arms and skipped like third-graders down the hall. Mr. B. stopped us, of course, threatening detention if we didn’t grow up.

We got to Alissa’s house, half expecting her mom to be home, and were psyched to find that we were home alone. Her mom had left a note saying that she went shopping. Yeah, right! scoffed Alissa. She’s probably at her newest man’s house. That’s so gross that she hooks up in the middle of the day. Actually, it’s gross that she’s hooking up at all! Oh, well, more time for us to get into trou-ble! Hey, girly-girls, how about a toast to my new computer! Alissa called as she grabbed a bottle of wine from the wine rack.

I thought we were here to check out your computer, Sam whined.

Don’t be such a wuss! Alissa sneered.

Really, I agreed. Vanessa won’t even notice it’s gone. Vanessa is Alissa’s mom. She’s super stylish and spends most of her free time, which translates into all her time, out with different boyfriends.

Come on, you guys, Sam begged. You know my dad will flip out if he finds out we drank wine. You know how strict he is, and you know he’ll be there when I get home. So how ‘bout you give me a break and stop givin’ me crap. Okay?

Fine, I’ll make a deal with ya. Al and me will have some wine. You just be cool and don’t tell on us. How’s that? We won’t make fun of you, right, Al?

No problemo, Alissa answered, as she struggled with the cork on the wine bottle.

Hey, I thought you were s’posed to be an expert at this or something? I questioned slyly.

Whatev! You’re so great, do it yourself! Alissa huffed as she handed me the bottle.

As I attempted to share my wine-opening expertise, Sam grabbed my wrist and glared at the fresh cuts. What the hell is this? Jade, I thought you stopped doing this months ago.

I . . . come on, Sam. Ya know, we all got our crap. Leave it alone.

Ya know, people are gonna say you’re emo if they see that, cautioned Alissa.

Then they won’t see it. Ya know what, girls, let’s do what we came here for . . . NEW COMPUTER, REMEMBER! And some vino to toast. Let’s partay!

Jade, I’m worried about you . . . , Sam began.

Seriously, no big. I’m fine. You say nothing about my arm; we say nothing about you not drinking. Fair enough? As I said, party time. Despite my embarrassment over Sam’s discovery, I somehow managed to open the wine bottle. Here we go. Did you take notes, Al?

Aren’t you just too cool for yourself. Toast up. Alissa passed me some glasses, and my moment of embarrassment was over. Sam, change your mind?

Don’t think so.

Alissa and I drank a glass as we walked up the stairs to her fabulous room. Well, her would-be-fabulous room if she ever cleaned it. She takes pride in watching her mother flip over the laundry on the floor; books with bent pages on the bed; and opened, half-spilled hair products on all surfaces. Her room is HUGE. Alissa got the master bedroom when her parents divorced. Somehow she managed to convince her mother that the memories of her parents together in that room would make it too hard for Vanessa to sleep there and that it would be more of a fresh start if they switched rooms. Go figure! That girl can talk her way into (and out of) almost anything!

Al, this computer is awesome, I gushed, as I laid eyes on the turquoise machine. This should be mine. My name is all over it, ya know, Jade, turquoise, ha, ha.

Jealous?

Nope, I answered, swigging the rest of my glass of wine. Ready for another?

Absolutely, Alissa replied. Hey, Sam, could you bring up the bottle, while me and Jade check for IM’s?

Not likely, Sam responded. Why should I get it? I’m not even drinking.

Cuz Jade and me are already sitting. Duh . . .

Fine, Sam muttered, stomping out of the room.

You shouldn’t be so crappy to her, I pointed out. She’s always nice to us.

Whatev. She doesn’t care. Hey, do you feel anything from the wine?

Kinda. My head’s a little wacky, I giggled. How ’bout you?

A little.

Here ya go, you bunch of alkies, Sam remarked, handing the bottle to Alissa.

We have to drink the whole thing, you know, so Vanessa won’t notice. Then we can at least trash the bottle.

Why wouldn’t we finish it? I laughed, raising my glass for a refill. As we drank, we got sillier with our IM’s. Then we searched the internet and started just putting in random words. At one point a bunch of naked men popped up. It was some website looking for girls to pose with them. Wanna do it? I joked.

All right, you guys are drunk . . . and idiotic! Sam exclaimed.

Baby Sammy, suck your thumb, Alissa slurred.

I’m leaving. This is no fun, Sam retorted.

Oh, come on, she’s just being an idiot. Let’s IM Jake. He is SOOOO cute, don’t you think?

He’s alright, Alissa began, but . . .

You know you’re hot for him, Sam interrupted.

Shut up! yelled Alissa.

Send him something anonymous saying someone wants his hot bod. Or pretend you’re Kerrie. She’s such a geek; it would be hilarious, I laughed.

You guys are so mean. Let’s do it anyway, Sam chuckled deviously.

So we IM’ed Jake, pretending to be Kerrie, cracking up as we typed. She probably doesn’t know like LOL or UR or how to talk that way. If we type like that Jake might know it’s not her, Alissa pointed out.

True that, I agreed. Alissa typed:

KERBER6: JAKE, I’VE BEEN WANTING YOU FOR 3 YEARS NOW. BLOW ME A KISS IN ENGLISH IF YOU FEEL THE SAME WAY. KERRIE.

I feel so mean, but it’s kinda funny, I remarked.

I know, me too, agreed Sam. "But it is funny," she concluded.

You guys are so weird. Who cares! We don’t even hang out with Kerrie. Who knows, maybe they’ll have a love connection! joked Alissa.

I hope not. Jakey’s all mine! I answered.

In your dreams, chicky, Alissa interjected.

What time is it? I asked. Mom wants me home in time for dinner, and I’m really not up for her crap today.

Six-thirty, answered Sam.

Gotsta go! Anyone got any gum? I hugged and air-kissed the girls as Al handed me some nice, strong cinnamon gum. If that don’t kill the smell, ain’t nuttin’ will! Chow for now.

As I walked in the door, Mom jumped right on me. You’re late! I ask everyone to be home for dinner tonight, and the only one here is your brother.

We all know how perfect he is.

That’s not what I said. He is here, though.

Where’s Dad?

That’s what I’d like to know. Your eyes are all bloodshot! Have you been drinking? Or is it pot?

God, you’ve got to be kidding! Like I’m gonna be stupid enough to drink or smoke in the middle of the day and then come home! I huffed.

Let me smell your breath, Mom challenged. I breathed my cinnamon sweetness in her face. "All that tells me is you’re covering something!"

We had garlic bread at Alissa’s, and Sam said my breath stunk, I fibbed.

So when I call Vanessa, she’ll back that story up? Mom asked.

Yep, I replied, knowing full well she’d never call. Once Dad got home, and they found something to fight about, my cinnamon breath and red eyes would be history. Just then Dad stumbled in, and it was very clear that he’d been drinking. Saved by the drunk!

That’s nice! Mom screeched. "I just accused Jade of drinking and was hoping her father could help me deal with this, and he walks in loaded. Lovely!"

"I’d be happy to walk right back out. Doesn’t that say something about you if everyone needs to drink to be around you?" Dad quipped.

Nice observation and very helpful for your daughter to hear, Mom retorted. Let’s just sit down and eat the dinner I’ve prepared, please, Mom practically begged. Jade, could you please call Dominick to dinner?

Already here, and I’m starving. That smells, awesome, Mom. Of course, no one noticed his red eyes. But why would they? Everyone knows that Mr. Straight-A, Track Star, All Around Great At Sports And Everything Else would only have red eyes from reading too much, swimming in too much chlorine, or sleeping too little because he was too busy doing everything else!

Mom made an awesome lasagna with salad and garlic bread. It smelled great, but I was starting to feel really gross from the wine. My head was pounding, and I felt sick to my stomach. I forced myself to eat so Mom wouldn’t flip out, but I hoped I wouldn’t barf at the table!

This is great, Dad mumbled, stuffing his face.

Sure is, agreed Nick.

What do you think, Jade? Or did you already have too much garlic bread today?

Hmm? I asked.

Just as I thought, Mom shot me an evil glare. So, Nick, why don’t you tell Dad about your swim times today?

My mind wandered off as Dominick the Great took center stage, as usual, for his many accomplishments. God, my head is pounding. I excused myself and went to my room to lie down. I guess Mom kept it together through dinner, but as soon as Nick closed his door, they started up again. Do they seriously think we can’t hear through closed doors?!

You know, it would have been nice to have some backup from you to deal with Jade today, Mom began. Did you not hear me, or do you not even care that I think Jade was drinking?

Of course I care. But she’s a kid. Kids experiment with things. Don’t tell me you were perfect. I know you drank when you were a teenager! Dad retorted.

"I was at a wedding when I was a senior in high school before I even tried alcohol. Jade’s in eighth grade for God’s sake! You’re pouring another drink! I can see you’ll be no help. Must be where she gets it from. Alcoholism does run in families."

"You better shut your mouth! I am not an alcholic! Dad seethed. I heard something slam. Then I heard glass breaking and mom crying. Did he hit her? Did he throw a glass? Did she throw a glass? I can’t deal with this. I shoved my ear buds in as fast as I could and turned the music loud. My hands were shaking. I wanted to know what was going on, but I didn’t want to know! I took out the ear buds and ran into Nick’s room. He was listening to music and studying. I tapped him on the shoulder, and he shut the tunes off. How can you deal with this without losing it?" I cried. I was shaking, and my eyes were clouded with tears.

It’s none of our business. I just blast the tunes and focus on whatever I’m doing. Remember what Gramps always used to say, ‘Big girls don’t cry, Jade,’ and then he’d sing that cornball old song. You gotta toughen up, little sis. Nick boxed me on the arm, and I ran back to my room, stifling tears.

Big girls do cry, I whispered as I held myself back from crying. I knew that once I started I would not stop. I blasted my music in my ears and paced in my room. I kept shaking, and my head was still pounding. Nothing was helping. I lifted my shirt sleeve and looked at the fresh cuts on my arm. I was trying so hard not to do it again, but every time I get freaked out, I can’t help it

I paced some more. I took out the ear buds, and I could hear yelling from their room. At least it was softer with their door shut. What is wrong with you . . . , Mom sobbed. More slamming noises. Was it a door? I crept down the hallway and found Dad’s stash in the closet. He had more than enough bottles in there to not miss one small bottle of vodka. I stuffed it down my jeans in case anyone came out. I crept silently back to my room. Everything was quiet. I made it to my room just in time, cuz Mom slammed the door to her room and left the house. That’s unusual. It’s usually Dad who leaves. I opened the bottle and took a pretty big swig. I gagged and almost puked. I never had vodka before. It’s pretty disgusting! All I know is I’ve heard Dad say something stupid about a hairy dog, which I found out meant he was drinking again to cure the headache from the time before, so I was hoping this would help. I took another swig, this time smaller. Still disgusting. Maybe one more. Still gross, but now my head was at least fuzzy instead of pounding. I took one more small sip, capped the bottle, and hid it in my closet.

My head felt less horrible, but I still felt freaked out about my parents. I don’t know if he hits her or not. Their fights are awfully loud, and there’s always slamming and crashing noises. I never see any bruises on her, but maybe she hides them. I paced some more. She left this time. Where is my mommy going? Not gonna cry. Not gonna cry. I don’t even remember grabbing the razor blade from my desk drawer. I swear I don’t, but I suddenly felt relief as my skin tore and blood began to drip slowly from the first fresh cut. I winced with pain but couldn’t stop myself. I slowly drew the razor once, twice, again across my arm. I was in a daze watching the blood drip onto the white of the paper towel. I snapped out of it long enough to wrap the cuts and hide the razor.

Day Two

The screeching of the alarm clock interrupted a horrible dream. I dreamed I was naked in class and everyone was staring at my butt while I walked to the board. People mooed and snorted as my butt grew bigger and flabbier when I waddled down the rows of desks. Ugh, thank God that was a dream! I reached over to kill the clock and shocked myself with the blood on my arm. I winced both from the pain and the disgust that I had done it again. Man, my head is pounding, and my breath is seriously kickin’! I can’t go to school today. I feel like total crap. I noticed blood stains on my sheets. Great. That’ll be interesting trying to pretend period stains ended up where my arm usually is. If I do my own laundry,