Delusion Illusion

By Beth Flowers

There were two things that significantly marked Dani's childhood: her vivid night terrors, and a wonderful imaginary friend.
After suffering a tragedy in her adult life and consequently blocking the world out, she reemerges with two invisible friends.
Convinced she’s lost her mind, she pretends all is normal. Attending to her job at the animal shelter, she depends on her ‘friends’ to help her with all the frightening things in her life: dental appointments, driving a car, changes...
Then the night terrors return.
With the help of her friends and a mysterious (read: weird) Aunt, she learns of a family secret: Dani is not like everyone else. Her Aunt offers to train her, to teach her how to gain control over her dreams.
Of course, maybe her Aunt has simply gone off the deep end, too!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Beth Flowers
• Release date: May 29, 2013
• ISBN: 9781301909704

Beth Flowers

Beth Ann Flowers is the mother of three and lives in PA with her supportive musician husband, fun-loving youngest daughter, and Stanza the cat (although they suspect he may be part squirrel/part dog in cat disguise).She loves writing chick lit/romantic comedy with the spotlight on the humor of every day life in relationships and low-key on 'the mushy stuff'. As she laughingly says, "In reality, if my husband acted like the male lead in the romance novels I love to read, I'd either get the giggles or be frightened and run away! But maybe that's just me..."She loves coffee, writing, music, animals, home cooking & baking, classic b&w movies, gardening, and --above all-- spending time with her family.Oh, and cheesecake.Don't forget cheesecake.

Book preview

Chapter 1

Dani glanced at the clock on her laptop. Her stomach clenched.

Already? she thought to herself. Only fifteen minutes before it’s time to go? Okay. Okay. I can do this, I can do this, I can do this! … I can’t do this… I can’t get out of this! … How do I get out of this?

She was terrified. She tried to ignore the squirming fear, the black-lined dread, in the pit of her stomach. It would’ve been easier for her to swim in a pool of piranha and ignore the fish.

She’d come up with a hundred flimsy excuses not to go: she wasn’t feeling well, the laundry was piling up, she couldn’t afford to take the time off from work, she had garlic breath, the weather was… well, the weather was fine, but it could change at any given moment!

Dani strained her ears, willing an ominous roll of thunder to growl from the skies. All she heard was the cat in the bathroom, clawing another roll of toilet paper to death.

She knew she couldn’t put it off any longer. She knew she had to do it. She had to face it eventually and eventually was now in fourteen minutes.

Fourteen minutes! she thought to herself. Only eight hundred forty seconds until… until… Her stomach gave a violent lurch …The Dental Appointment!

She popped a couple of Valium.

*You know, you’re just being a big baby about it! You're 39 for pity's sake!* said a disembodied motherly voice from across the living-room. In mere moments, the voice itself became an odd haze, then focused and formed into a matronly woman who looked uncannily like Dani’s great-grandmother had at age fifty.

The woman –dubbed Merry— was short, stocky, and had wild red hair that always escaped its loose bun. She wore a pristine, white, ruffled bib apron over her brown floral-print dress and bright red sneakers over slightly baggy stockings. As she spoke, her attention was directed at the mantle over the fireplace, to which she earnestly flicked a bright pink feather duster. Not a single dust-mote so much as stirred in the onslaught. A feather loosed itself and wafted down but dissipated before it could hit the floor.

Merry was, to be truthful, an invisible friend —a figment of Dani's imagination. Even knowing this, Dani chose to think of the woman as a ‘spirit guide’. It sounded a bit more grown-up than ‘imaginary friend’, though even after thirty-nine years of life, Dani felt anything but grown up. She hadn’t told anyone about Merry. She secretly feared this might be one of those things that caused people to take mandatory vacations in nice padded rooms at fenced-in special resorts. At the minimum, she would be pushed to take medications for her ‘condition’.

Dani frowned. She believed people in general were too quick to take any medication prescribed to them by professionals whom they barely knew and had no reason to trust. Even if one had established confidence in a doctor, it only made sense to ask questions and do some research on anything to be put into the body, and only if the body truly needed it. Except, perhaps, for certain known sedatives or tranquilizers. But only in specific situations. Like dental appointments.

Dani was quite skilled in the art of rationalization.

She closed her laptop and set it beside her on the opened futon, unable to concentrate on the room-escape game she had been attempting to play as a means of distraction. She was thirty-nine, for pity’s sake! Too old to act childish.

Dani stared across the room at her reflection in the decorative mirror hanging on the wall. She resembled you, the reader, in looks and build. She could be a relative of yours. No, seriously —go look in a mirror. See the similarities?

"I can do this, said Dani out loud, trying to convince her image and jerking the reader back into the storyline. I can get through a dental appointment without panicking. Other people do it every day! I'm a mature adult! What kind of example am I setting for my child?"

*Your child is over eighteen. A little late to be implanting lasting impressions to mold her mind, isn't it?* said the woman, not unkindly.

Dani knew she was right, but didn't want to hear that right now. She felt guilt with the reminder she hadn’t been available as a mother to her daughter in the past couple years. She gave her head a small shake to dislodge the thought, and contrived to change the subject. In her mind, she envisioned a fitted sheet for a bed and imagined herself tossing it on the table nearest the woman. Merry, could you fold this for me, please? I can never quite get the corners right.

The woman, easily distracted by any type of household chore, happily picked up the sheet and immediately shook it out. It was too bad Merry could only care for invisible things. The inability to tidy and scrub the physical world was the bane of her non-existence.

*I gotta feelin’…!* sang Sam as he trotted into the room through the front door. That is, literally, through the front door.

Sam was another corporeally challenged entity. Dani often thought it was fortunate he was the only other. Two was enough. Actually, one was too many, according to the psychiatric profession, but Dani had so far avoided seeking medical attention knowing she would then have to make an effort to get rid of Merry and Sam. She occasionally felt nothing short of an exorcism could drive them off. Basically they were good people… imaginary friends… figments… Well, whatever they were, they never asked her to do anything crazy and she’d probably feel lonely without them.

Today, Sam was wearing what looked to be a child’s plastic suit-of-armor costume, complete with grey plastic sword and shield. ‘Wearing’ would perhaps be stretching the word a bit, as the undersized pieces had been duct-taped onto his clothing to fit his man-sized frame. Except for the too-small helmet which seemed about to pop off his dark, unruly hair.

*I shall escort you, my distressed damsel!* Sam announced, thrusting his chest out bravely. *If you have any pain whatsoever, I'll drown that dentist with his own water pick! If he stabs at you repeatedly with a long, sharp needle,* he jabbed his plastic sword at a pillow, *or drills with that horrible grinding noise —you know the one— rrrrridge-idge-idge! rrrrridge-idge-idge! rrrrrrrrrrrr -GrglGrglGrgl- rrrrrrr...*

Dani winced and wished he’d shut up. She desperately tried to think of anything except needles and drills, which, of course, never worked.

*AAACK!* shrieked Merry. *SAM! You will do NO such thing! NOW STOP DOING THAT!* She flapped at him fiercely with the half-folded sheet.

Sam pouted. *Fine... I was just trying to help. You don't want my help then I won't help. Poor little Dani needs someone by her side, someone who cares, and now she has to go with only her mother to drive her, because I am not permitted to go and hold her hand, provide reassurances, soothe her fears, be her shield, her knight in could-be shiny-if-you-squint-and-use-your-imagination armor....* Sam was on a roll. *I am a noble knight! My very life sworn to my fair queen for all eternity! I shall slay her dragons!..."

Dani grabbed another Valium.

——

Safely home again after her appointment, Dani lazed on the futon in her living-room in a lovely, Valium-induced haze. She stared at the television with no idea what she watched.

*Now then, that wasn't so bad, was it?* smiled Merry, whapping fruitlessly at a spider web in the corner of the ceiling with a rag on the end of a broom.

Sam leaned to whisper in Dani's ear. *Don't tell her I was there! I told her I was out pricing figs.*

Sam had been there and, oddly enough, behaved himself admirably. He simply talked softly to her of the importance of having a good steed as well as a good blacksmith while the dentist did his work on her teeth.

Her mother had spent the entire car ride happily telling her how nobody ever called her unless they wanted something from her, about all the bills she had with no money to pay them, about all her aches and pains in minute detail, and again how nobody appreciated her. Dani, fortunately, was tranquilized enough to not feel her usual inclination to stab herself in her own ears. Not that she would ever actually do it, but the thought was usually there after about ten minutes of her mother’s complaints.

The appointment really wasn't so bad, as Merry said, and Dani had been pleasantly surprised and relieved. Of course, with the help of her little happy pills, everything tended to be pleasant. She pleasantly drifted pleasantly off in a pleasantly pleasant sleep.... pleasantly.

Chapter 2

Dani bounced out of bed bright-eyed and bushy-tailed for work the next morning, eager to start her shiny, happy day.

*Who the hell do you think you're kidding?* laughed Sam, waking her from her dream.

Dani attempted to pry open her eyes and drag her anything-but-bushy tail up off the futon. She only managed to roll over, curl up and groan, G’way. M’Slpng. She snuggled under the blanket, half-realizing her daughter, Sage, must have come in after she’d fallen asleep and covered her with it.

*Aah, now there's the Dani I know and love!* smiled Sam. *C'mon, senorita! Time to get up and get moving! You love your job, and if you want that raise, you'll need to be consistently on time!... upsy daisy!... let's go!.... rise and shine!...*

Sam, sporting a serape and black bowler hat, jumped up and down on the futon. It didn't jostle a thing, of course, but he was still rather difficult to ignore.

...mffglmfllgh... where coffee... coffee.., muttered Dani, groping for awareness as she forced herself upright. She finally managed to stagger to the kitchen where she quickly fixed herself a cup of coffee and managed to feed the cat, who was demanding his breakfast, with her eyes half-closed.

Merry prided herself on having good, strong coffee brewed promptly by 6:30 every morning. In actuality, Dani or Sage programmed the automatic coffee machine every evening, but that little fact was easily overlooked by Merry.

Dani took a few hot gulps before making her way to her bedroom. It burned her parched throat, but she wasn’t awake enough to care —she merely changed her method to prolonged slurps.

*You'll need a power suit today!* said Sam, looking over the contents of Dani's closet as she worshiped her coffee cup. *Something that says, 'I'm an awesome employee! I'd be difficult to replace! You'd miss me if I were gone! I'm the cat's meow! The dog's bark! The guinea pig's wheek! The rabbit's....’* Sam trailed off, searching his mind for a rabbit sound.

Dani quickly grabbed a few articles of clothing and left to wash up before Sam decided exactly what sound that was. Her chosen outfit consisted of a sweatshirt sporting the name of the animal shelter where she worked, faded jeans and a pair of sneakers that smelled strongly of disinfectant and barn.

Fifteen minutes later, Sam circled around her, taking in her attire, as she threw her cell phone and keys in her purse.

Well, Sam, what say you? Dani asked, stifling a yawn with one hand and holding the other arm out to model her 'power suit'.

*Fabulous!* beamed Sam, grabbing his bowler off his head and throwing his arms wide, causing his serape to flap and his black mop of hair to stick out every which way. *Sensaaational!* He then gave her a low, gallant bow and escorted her outside to her truck.

——

Dani pulled into the parking lot of the shelter ten minutes early.

*Good girl, Dani!* praised Sam, clicking a stopwatch repeatedly. He held it out first to his left, then to his right. *Which way's north?*

Dani said her good-morning’s to everyone, punched in at the time-clock and headed to the non-public section she worked in. She enjoyed working by herself. It helped her stay focused to have no one constantly there, under her feet, distracting her. Sam tended to appear and disappear off and on during her shift, but usually kept himself occupied and out of her way.

She had planned to whirlwind her way through her job this morning, but couldn’t seem to shake off the morning sludginess that she usually dosed and cured with caffeine.

Oh, no! Valium hangover! thought Dani to Sam. I feel like I'm swimming in a pool of gelatin. She washed her hands at her sink and tried to pull on a pair of latex gloves, which never works when one’s hands are even the teensiest bit wet. She then pulled them back off, tried drying her hands thoroughly, and made the attempt again. Her previously damp hands had already moistened the inside of the gloves, making them impossible to pull on. She spent a frustrating ten minutes locating a new box of gloves, as apparently someone else took the last pair out of the box, leaving a single glove. She decided the Glove Gods were toying with her.

Finally she was able to mix a bucket of disinfectant, pick up a washrag and look for the lowest possible point to start cleaning. Feeling as she did, sitting on the floor seemed a pretty good idea. So much for impressing the bigwigs! She eased herself gently down to the floor and began to wipe the bottom section of an empty double-decker steel cage with disinfectant. Unfortunately, it would be quick work.

*Aw, poor Dani!* Sam sympathized. *It's okay, my little space cadet! We can work through it! NOTHING will slow us down! We WILL rally! POWER TO THE PEOPLE! YAAAAAAAAA!!!* he bellowed as he leapt upon the nearest counter, his serape now around his waist like a skirt, his bowler askew.

Ignoring him, Dani made a last swipe on the lower cage, got to her feet —and promptly cracked her forehead dead center on the edge of the upper section's metal door. Back on the floor again, she clutched her head, seeing stars. She was in too much pain to make a sound.

*Are you bleeding?* panicked Sam, jumping off the counter. He ran to hover over Dani. *No, no blood, thank God! Do you need an ambulance? Are you dizzy? You could have a concussion! Do you know where you are? Do you know who I am? —RITA! Find Rita! Can you stand?—Damnit, I can't do anything to help, you have to help yourself! GET UP! FIND RITA! or SOMEONE! ANYONE!*

Dani slowly picked herself up and stumbled her way to the lunchroom. Sam futilely kept trying to reach out to help her balance.

Through the pain, she wondered why Sam seemed so panicked. She conked her head on cage doors all the time. Everyone here did, actually. Perhaps she was using Sam to give herself a little pity party… Yeah, that would make sense. She wasn’t going to get much sympathy anywhere else.

Dani’s boss, as they passed in the hallway, barely glanced at her and said, Put some ice on that, Dani.

Sam made a face at the boss’s retreating back and groused, *Oh, that’s nice! How about ‘We need to make an accident report immediately’? or ‘Let’s have that looked at’? or even, ‘Let me help you to the lunchroom’?!*

By the time Dani reached her destination, she was able to walk a fairly straight path. She found her co-worker —her best and only friend, actually— making a fresh pot of coffee.

Rita, could you please toss me a clean dishtowel? moaned Dani, clutching her head with one hand and grabbing an ice pack out of the freezer with the other.

Oh! Yes, of course! Rita said, and produced one in about two seconds flat. What happened?

Oh, the usual, answered Dani, wrapping the towel around the ice pack and holding it to her head. Cracked my head again, but got myself good this time. I just don't want a big noticeable lump if I can help it.

Dani and Rita spent the next few minutes sharing head-cracking stories. (*Crack-heads!* snickered Sam.) Other employees wandered through and pitched in their painful experiences, too.

*Dani, I think you might want to reconsider your career as an animal shelter attendant. This job is just too hazardous!* Sam said as he sank, exhausted, into a chair. *At least find out if the health plan covers CAT scans, okay?*

Dani thought to Sam, Why in the world would I want to scan a cat?

*Lame, Dani,* Sam sighed, clutching his heart, *Painfully lame.*

Chapter 3

That evening found Dani inspecting her forehead in her bathroom mirror. Not a mark, not a bump, not the slightest indication that she'd knocked herself silly.

Now, wait a minute... not that I wanted a big bruise or swelling on my head, but after all that pain —not even a little pinkish tinge? Now I just look like I was over-reacting!

*Well, I can attest to your very real, very painful agony that may have left you with brain damage,* Sam solemnly affirmed from behind her.

Dani gave him a dry look in the mirror. Gee, thanks.

*Wait... I wasn't listening...what were you talking about?* asked Sam, attempting to look startled.

*Sam, sometimes I just don't know if you're with her or against her!* snapped Merry, scrubbing at the bathtub in vain.

*I am currently behind her.* He grinned and addressed Dani, *Of course, this bathroom is very tiny and I’m not wearing much under this serape. If you were to just take one step back....* Sam waggled his eyebrows at Dani's reflection in the mirror.

...I'd trip backwards over the toilet and land in the bathtub, she said, finishing the sentence.

She’d never actually walked through Sam before. She wondered for a moment if she would feel anything, then admonished herself. I’m insane, she reminded her image in the mirror, and I’d only feel whatever I think I’m supposed to feel. Perhaps a cold spot or a light breeze. Whatever my crazy mind tells me to feel.

Dani suddenly heard the electronic version of Bach's Toccata and Fugue in D minor playing in the next room. It was her cell phone. She'd assigned that particular ringtone to her mother. It always made her think of classic horror movies.

She walked into the living-room and picked up her phone. The caller ID confirmed it was her mother, as she knew it would. The music played on. Dani just wasn't sure she had the energy to be talked at. What she really wanted was a peaceful nap.

When the question arises, Is the glass half-empty or half-full? most people tend to lean one way or the other. Dani was dead certain if the question were presented to her mother, she would answer, It’s half empty, so I take it to the sink to fill it because I have company coming over, but when I turn around it sloshes all over my kitchen floor and I slip in the puddle and the wet glass falls to the floor and smashes and now I’m lying wet on the floor with a bruised hip and I have to clean it all up but cut myself on the shards and I can’t find an adhesive bandage and I think I might need stitches anyway but don’t have time to go to the hospital before my company comes because I now need to go to the store and buy a new glass but I don’t really have the money so I start calling my friends to see if I can borrow one and I get blood all over the phone but thankfully my friend Patsy has an extra glass —you remember Patsy, she’s the one who used to live in that beige brick house on the corner of Maple and Rosewood up on the hill before the shopping complex was built, you remember, her father was Bill Rusco who married one of Thomas Champerson’s girls –I think her name was Elaine, no that’s not right, Elaine was the next youngest, and Marilyn was the next oldest…

*You really should answer that,* Merry told Dani, trying to sound nonchalant, as she headed towards the window to brush invisible lint off the living-room drapes. Dani knew she really meant ANSWER YOUR MOTHER!

Dani sighed, hit the talk button and attempted to fake a cheerful, Hi, Mom! but her mother was on a roll at the first sound of Dani's voice —Oh Danielle, honey, I'm SO stressed out!

Knowing how this conversation would go, Dani grabbed a notebook and pen to begin writing out her to-do list for the following day, her day off. She plopped herself down on the opened futon and leaned against the wall, wedging some pillows behind her back for comfort.

Her mother didn't even pause for breath. I had to be up at six this morning to get ready for my appointment for my test at the hospital and I woke up at five and couldn't get back to sleep and then I remembered that I promised Uncle Otto —you know Uncle Otto, he's related to us in the Drudeka family line through my cousin Sue's family —you remember my cousin Sue? Her father was the one who married a Sobczak... her mother rambled, tornadoing all over the genealogic conversation topic map.

Dani tuned out most of her mother’s voice as she worked on her list:

1. Clean house

2. Yard work

3. Take cat for vet appt.

"...Can you believe that, Dani dear?!" Dani’s well-trained ears picked up her mother’s mid-ramble question-that-requires-a-response.

"Oh, no, I can't even believe that, Mom!" Dani automatically replied.

4. Clean cat hair out of laptop

5. Get a haircut?

6. Get a life

7. Get toilet paper

8. Plan to defrost freezer, but list everything else as a priority, including sleeping, doodling, eating popsicles, and blinking.

"...Don't you think so, Dani? I mean, seriously, don't you agree?"

"Absolutely, Mom, I do agree!"

9. Make list of dreams, pick out realistic attainable goals, and plan how to achieve.

10. Do it!

...so will you be here on Tuesday, then, Dani sweetheart?

I work 'til six, Mom.

Dani cringed in preparation for her mother to serve up the guilt. Her mother, The Queen of Guilt, obligingly dished it out. "...Well, Wednesday, then, though I'll have to completely rearrange my day to accommodate your schedule —oh! but I'm supposed to meet Millie for brunch and then all of us girls are going to a movie, although I guess I can miss it if I must. I really don't know if anything good is showing, anyway... Oh, but I was supposed to pick up Celia, you know since her surgery she’s forced to depend on her good friends to drive her around and she so rarely gets out anymore. I suppose I could inconvenience Marilyn to pick her up… even though Celia lives so far out of her way…"

With a hope of ending the call, Dani hurriedly interjected, You’d be better off picking her up, then, because if you have to rearrange your schedule, then Marilyn will have to rearrange hers, and so on and so on. Just give me a call when you figure out when you’ll have some more upcoming free time and we'll take it from there, okay?

"Okay, I guess so. I'll give you a call sometime tomorrow or Monday and you know you could call me once in a while with your schedule so I could plan ahead..."

Dani had been on a regular schedule at work for quite some time, but felt it was better for her own mental health, which was already… delicate… if her mother continued to think otherwise.

Right, Mom! Dani said, I’ve got to run, talk to you later, love you, bye!

Oh, okay, I didn’t realize you were too busy to talk to me. That’s because I never know your schedule. Love you, too! B'bye, sweetie!

Dani hung up and shoved the phone under a poofy, yellow pillow. She loved her mother and truly appreciated the things she did… such as driving her to the dentist and such. It was just that spending time with her left her feeling so drained!

She turned back to glance over her list. What were her goals, anyway? She just felt... well... nothing really excited her. She tapped her pen on item number nine, thinking.

Sam sat beside her, this time barefoot and wearing a kilt, a white peasant shirt, and a jester's hat. *Do you remember what you dreamed of doing when you were a little girl? How you saw yourself as an adult?* The little bells on his hat jingled lightly, punctuating his sentences.

Dani stared up at the ceiling, thinking back. I remember I wanted to work with animals and be an artist.

*Done! You love your job at the shelter. And it wouldn't hurt to pick up some paints, brushes, paper. I'd bet you'd enjoy painting again.*

Dreams/Goals

1. Painting - Pick up art supplies

*And what else did you want as a little girl?* Sam jingled.

"Pets. Lots of pets. Dogs, cats, rabbits, guinea pigs, birds, exotic fish, and especially ducks."

*Okay! You... wait... ducks?* (jingle-jingle.)

I liked ducks.

*Huh!* said Sam with surprise. *I never knew that! Why didn't I know that?* (jingle.) *You can have ducks if you want ducks. You should have ducks!* (jingle-jingle.) *You deserve ducks! You've earned ducks!* (Jingle-Jingle! )*You MUST have ducks! YES! LOTS of ducks!* (JINGLE-JANGLE!) He tucked his hands under his arms to imitate wings and tossed his head up proudly. His hat fell off, accompanied by a symphony of jingles, jangles, and possibly a tinkle or two.

Merry wrinkled her nose, *I don't think that will be very sanitary, all those animals! The hair, feathers, dirt