Two Crude Dames and Horace Catchpole

By William Forde

Horace Catchpole is an only son who was brought up in a single-parent family in Wigan. He is 28-years-old and still lives in the same house as he has always lived with his mother, Melissa. Melissa is a woman who dislikes her son intensely and is cruel and greedy in disposition. She has always ill-treated Horace and has reared and treated him far worse than any other Cinderella ever experienced at the hands of a tyrannical mother-figure. While the frugal Melissa lives well herself, she does so at the expense of making other economies in her life where Horace is concerned. Horace is clothed in rags and ill-fitting garments and is forced to eat scraps and left-overs. He sleeps on a bed without sheets and in a dark room. All of his day is devoted to fetching, cleaning, washing, cooking, ironing and slaving for his mother. Along with his fair share of daily beatings, Horace’s life is very unhappy and without any sense of meaning. His mother has controlled him totally since he was born and ruled him with an iron hand that he is no longer able to think for himself and comes across as an apology for a creature; a wimp of a man.

Then the day comes when his mother sells him to another woman who wants to marry a submissive man who will carry out her will without question. Horace marries Mildred Savage, a twice-married twice- widowed woman whose monstrous personality and cruel and greedy character traits matches those of Horace’s mother.

Horace fares no better under his monstrous wife than he did under his mother. Then, in order to save money, both women propose that all three of them live together. With two matriarchal monsters in the house giving out their orders to Horace, his life remains as bad if not worse than before.

Initially, the two monstrous women feign false compliments and friendship in order to wheedle themselves into each other's confidences in the hope that they can discover where each keeps their savings so they can rob them. Eventually, they find that they are unable to keep up their pretence and household hostilities break out with the hapless Horace in the middle. They eventually decide to kill each other and doom beckons until Horace finds his courage and the worm begins to turn.

Horace Catchpole and Two Crude Dames is one of my most favourite stories. It gave me enormous pleasure to write and it is suitable for any reader from twelve to adulthood. It is set in Wigan in the early 1960’s. The two monstrous women in Horace’s life are a composite of every horrible and obnoxious woman that any man has ever come across. Imagine the worse kind of mother a chap could possibly have and the worse type of wife he could ever marry and then imagine trying to live under the same roof with each monstrous giving out their contradictory orders. That is what Horace Catchpole had to tolerate.

• Language: English
• Publisher: William Forde
• Release date: Apr 28, 2013
• ISBN: 9781301340910

William Forde

William Forde was born in Ireland and currently lives in Haworth, West Yorkshire with his wife Sheila. He is the father of five children and the author of over 60 published books and two musical plays. Approximately 20 of his books are suitable for the 7-11 year old readers while the remainder are suitable for young persons and adults. Since 2010, all of his new stories have been written for adults under his 'Tales from Portlaw' series of short stories. His website is www.fordefables.co.uk on which all his miscellaneous writings may be freely read. There are also a number of children's audio stories which can be freely heard.He is unique in the field of contemporary children's authors through the challenging emotional issues and story themes he addresses, preferring to focus upon those emotions that children and adults find most difficult to appropriately express.One of West Yorkshire's most popular children's authors, Between 1990 and 2002 his books were publicly read in over 2,000 Yorkshire school assemblies by over 800 famous names and celebrities from the realms of Royalty, Film, Stage, Screen, Politics, Church, Sport, etc. The late Princess Diana used to read his earlier books to her then young children, William and Harry and Nelson Mandela once telephoned him to praise an African story book he had written. Others who have supported his works have included three Princesses, three Prime Ministers, two Presidents and numerous Bishops of the realm. A former Chief Inspector of Schools for OFSTED described his writing to the press as 'High quality literature.' He has also written books which are suitable for adults along with a number of crossover books that are suitable for teenagers and adults.Forever at the forefront of change, at the age of 18 years, William became the youngest Youth Leader and Trade Union Shop Steward in Great Britain. In 1971, He founded Anger Management in Great Britain and freely gave his courses to the world. Within the next two years, Anger Management courses had mushroomed across the English-speaking world. During the mid-70's, he introduced Relaxation Training into H.M. Prisons and between 1970 and 1995, he worked in West Yorkshire as a Probation Officer specialising in Relaxation Training, Anger Management, Stress Management and Assertive Training Group Work.He retired early on the grounds of ill health in 1995 to further his writing career, which witnessed him working with the Minister of Youth and Culture in Jamaica to establish a trans-Atlantic pen-pal project between 32 primary schools in Falmouth, Jamaica and 32 primary schools in Yorkshire.William was awarded the MBE in the New Year's Honours List of 1995 for his services to West Yorkshire. He has never sought to materially profit from the publication of his books and writings and has allowed all profit from their sales (approx £200,000) to be given to charity. Since 2013, he was diagnosed with CLL; a terminal condition for which he is currently receiving treatment.In 2014, William had his very first 'strictly for adult' reader's novel puiblished called‘Rebecca’s Revenge'. This book was first written over twenty years ago and spans the period between the 1950s and the New Millennium. He initially refrained from having it published because of his ‘children’s author credentials and charity work’. He felt that it would have conflicted too adversely with the image which had taken a decade or more to establish with his audience and young person readership. Now, however as he approaches the final years of his life and cares less about his public image, besides no longer writing for children (only short stories for adults since 2010), he feels the time to be appropriate to publish this ‘strictly for adults only’ novel alongside the remainder of his work.In December 2016 he was diagnosed with skin cancer on his face and two weeks later he was diagnosed with High-grade Lymphoma (Richter’s Transformation from CLL). He was successfully treated during the first half of 2017 and is presently enjoying good health albeit with no effective immune system.

Book preview

‘Two Crude Dames and Horace Catchpole’

By

William Forde

Illustration by Dave Bradbury

Copyright August, 2016 by William Forde

Smashwords Edition

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

Thank you for downloading this e-book. This e-book is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This book may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you are reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Contents

Author’s Foreword

Chapter One – ‘The California Gold Rush’

Chapter Two – ‘The Land of Hope’

Chapter Three – ‘The Cheat’

Chapter Four – ‘The Thief’

Chapter Five – ‘The Liar’

Chapter Six – ‘The Bully’

Chapter Seven – ‘Friday the 13th October, 1848’

Chapter Eight – ‘The Land of Hope – The Land of Gold’

‘Two Crude Dames and Horace Catchpole’

Author’s Foreword

Chapter One – ‘Melissa and Horace: Mother and Son’

Chapter Two – ‘Mildred and Horace: Wife and Husband’

Chapter Three – The Honeymoon Period’

Chapter Four – ‘Setting a Trap’

Chapter Five – ‘Melissa, Horace and Mildred’

Chapter Six – ‘The Worm Turns’

Chapter Seven – ‘Melissa and Mildred’

Author’s Background

Other Books by this Author

For the General Audience

Romantic Drama Strictly for Adults

Connect with William Forde

‘Two Crude Dames and Horace Catchpole’

By William Forde

Illustration by Dave Bradbury

Copyright April, 2013 by William Forde

Smashwords Edition

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

Thank you for downloading this e-book. This e-book is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This book may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

‘Two Crude Dames and Horace Catchpole’

By William Forde

Copyright April, 2013.

Author’s Foreword

In writing this story, I have used every composite of the nasty, avaricious and evilness of womanhood that every male wimp is made to endure throughout his life. It is a story of the insatiable ‘greed’ of two monstrous women in the life of the enfeebled Horace Catchpole.

As a child, Horace is left to his fate when his father walks out; leaving his only son in the hands of a monstrous and savage mother who beats him and mistreats him. At the age of 28 years, Horace’s greedy mother sells him in marriage to Mildred Savage, a widow with two previous husbands who died in suspicious circumstances.

Horace is passed from one cruel woman to another cruel woman and his life of misery continues very much as it did when he lived with his wicked mother. Then one day, the greed of both women lead them to make a pact in which all three live together. Horace’s life becomes unhappier as both mother and wife vie for the title of ‘Top Dog’ in the household.

Eventually their greed and cruelty towards Horace results in the ‘worm turning’ and the two monstrous women get their comeuppance. The lives of all three are never the same again and for the first time in his life, Horace experiences true happiness.

William Forde: August 2016.

Chapter One - ‘Melissa and Horace: Mother and Son’

For twenty-eight years, Horace Catchpole’s window of opportunity had remained closed to the world. Life was passing him by and he’d absolutely nothing to show for it. Indeed, he felt less than the lowliest of all creatures, insignificant to both ear and sight of others.

In Horace’s year of events, one day’s experience was no different to the experience of the next. Elsewhere and for all others, the calendar would turn, the clock hands would move around the dial and the seasons would alter; but for Horace, his empty and meaningless world stood still!

In fact, very little had altered in his unhappy life since the day he’d been born. He’d never had the benefit of a father in his life like most sons might expect and he’d never experienced the security of a protective childhood or the comfort and support of a loving mother and home.

Horace had never once experienced the freedom and pleasures that most people enjoy sometimes in some measure, only the pain of a miserable existence!

Horace was born in Wigan in 1932. He still lived in Wigan, in the same house where he’d been born. He still lived at home with his monstrous mother, Melissa. Melissa was not a woman to be either questioned or crossed and Horace obeyed her every command. He did her bidding without complaint like an obedient son. The whole of Horace’s life had been devoted to serving his mother faithfully, dutifully and respectfully.

She, on the other hand, treated him with downright contempt. She would beat him mercilessly for some trifling matter; she’d humiliate him at every opportunity and seemed utterly determined to make his life a constant misery. Indeed, Melissa fed Horace no better than an unloved dog and would never allow any of the housekeeping money to be spent on luxuries, such as haircuts.

Consequently, Horace spent most of his life looking pathetic, with his hair flopped down in grey strands over his forehead like a worn-out mop that covered his small eyes. He looked every bit like a Skye Terrier, peering out nervously at the world beyond.

For twenty-eight years, Horace had given his monstrous mother unconditional love, but all he’d ever received in return was her cruelty, humiliation, rejection and pain!

Before Horace had even reached the age of five years, he was frequently sampling the buckle-end of Melissa’s leather belt. As a child, he’d often be forced to spend the night locked away in a damp corner of a dark cellar as a punishment for some careless act or some unwitting mistake he’d made.

By the age of seven, Horace’s bark had been beaten out of him and his character had been firmly formed. He grew up into adulthood as a quiet, shy, unassuming man of small stature and meek disposition.

His face constantly conveyed a look of feebleness and the furrows of his brow reflected a lifetime’s experience of worry and permanent regret. His small, sad eyes seemed to be sunk in sockets of facial despair and the shape of his apologetic mouth was always on the verge of saying, ‘Sorry’.

Horace was a lonely man. He had no friends, he expressed no opinions, and he walked without any degree of confidence in his stride. He had never been known to start a conversation in his life, having been taught from an early age to speak only when spoken to.

The only time he ventured beyond the front door of his mother’s house was to run some errands for her. Horace hated going out, rather, he hated having to face his mother’s angry rage whenever he returned late or empty-handed.

You see, the running of some errands was more difficult and more time-consuming for Horace to accomplish than you or me. Having been conditioned over many years to ‘get out of the way’, Horace was constantly sidestepping whenever another person approached him in the opposite direction. He was always the person who held the door open while others passed through it before him. He was always the person who found himself pushed to the back of the queue.

Our story starts during the 28th year of our hapless hero’s life. The year is 1960. It is 9:30am on a cold, November morning. Horace is engaged in his daily task of making up the fire in the front room of his mother’s house.

As Horace kneels before the fire grate, his mother enters the room in one of her customary foul moods. As usual, her hapless son is greeted with a vitriolic outburst and a smack around the head.

Get out of it, you gormless blockhead! Melissa shrieks, as she hits Horace over the head with the heavy end of the sweeping brush.

Horace falls to the floor in a state of semi-consciousness, clasping his head in pain. He intertwines his fingers, forming his clasped hands into a protective shield in anticipation of the next blow towards his head.

Ouch! yells Horace as Melissa clobbers him again. That hurt! Why did you........ why did you do that? he asked, adding, I was only making up the fire like I always do, to take away the morning chill and warm up room for you.

You… you good-for-nothing, bumbling wastrel! Melissa screamed. Are you trying to burn us out of house and home with your extravagant ways? You’ll not be content until you’ve put us in the workhouse, will you? How many times must I tell you before it penetrates that thick skull yours, you capless dunce....you useless tub of lard? Four lumps are enough coal to start off any November morning!

Horace was still reeling from Melissa’s ‘double whammy’, when she whacked him again; this time with a hot end of the poker. He knew that once he went down for the third time, it would be safer to stay down and curl up in a ball to minimise any beating that followed.

Horace collapsed in a crumpled heap before the fire grate. He looked towards the fire he’d lit in an effort to discover the source of his mother’s rage.

Oh, no! he thought fearfully