The Zillion Heirs 2: Bridely Weddinguff

By S Anders

This is a story that begins after the beginning and will probably end a long long time before the end knowing me. My name needs no introduction of course especially if you already know me or go to St Mungo's School in Zillion New Town better known as St Mongo's to anyone who actually goes there. Now I don't want to blow on my own trumpet because I know it is much better to have someone else blowing on it for you but most other people who read my stories and have never even met me just seem to think that I'm this really awful pupil at St Mongo's who will fail my exams but I could actually be a PE teacher or the Deputy Head or even a space alien from Uranus for all they know. I suppose that's the other thing about Zillion New Town and one of its biggest problems because in my personal opinion Zillion New Town isn't quite as new as it likes to think it is . . .

• Language: English
• Publisher: S Anders
• Release date: Apr 7, 2013
• ISBN: 9781301519286

S Anders

S Anders was the first person to swim the English Channel both upside down and backwards. Miraculously no-one drowned and two world records were set in a weekend. Please do not attempt to break these records yourself unless you have mastered the nearly impossible art of breathing through your ears.

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The Zillion Heirs 2: Bridely Weddinguff

by

S Anders

The Zillion Heirs 2: Bridely Weddinguff

by S Anders

Copyright 2013 by S Anders

Smashwords Edition

The Zillion Heirs

This is a story that begins after the beginning and will probably end a long long time before the end knowing me. My name needs no introduction of course especially if you already know me or go to St Mungo's School in Zillion New Town better known as St Mongo's to anyone who actually goes there. Now I don't want to blow on my own trumpet because I know it is much better to have someone else blowing on it for you but most other people who read my stories and have never even met me just seem to think that I'm this really awful pupil at St Mongo's who will fail my exams but I could actually be a PE teacher or the Deputy Head or even a space alien from Uranus for all they know. I suppose that's the other thing about Zillion New Town and one of its biggest problems because in my personal opinion Zillion New Town isn't quite as new as it likes to think it is . . .

Bridely Weddinguff

Bridely Weddinguff probably isn't a real name seeing as I just made it up myself but it wouldn't surprise me if it was. Especially the name Bridely which is a lot less unbelievable or stupid than a lot of girls names you hear these days and also has the word bride in it. Put it this way I fully believe that one of the biggest mental sicknesses in Zillion New Town nowadays is human weddings. Yes I really did say weddings. In case you still don't believe your ears this is also known as giving your hand in marriage or taking her up the aisle (if you like old fashioned things and decide on a church theme for your money). I swear it feels like everyone in Zillion New Town wants to get married from about the age of two lately and is like their only ambition in life. I also think that's why so many marriages don't last very long either because once they get married their life is basically over unless they can quickly get divorced and have another wedding to look forwards to. Personally I blame Hollywood because nearly every film you watch will always end in this big perfect white wedding where everyone lives happily ever after THE END. Except that in real life of course a wedding is not the end but is really just the beginning like buying a puppy for Christmas that needs toilet training in the new year.

Sadly it's not only the young people in Zillion New Town who are obsessed with weddings because it can also affect their parents and aunties and even grandmothers. In fact these types of older ladies can be the worst addicts of all seeing as their own wedding days are over and they need to start planning somebody else's future happiness. This is exactly sort of what happened to a girl I heard about called Daphne Lovesmith who lives in Zillion New Town. Only with Daphne's parents it was a lot more extreme seeing as she had no plans of her own to get married in the first place not even to mention a boyfriend (or lesbian girlfriend if you prefer it that way).

Having a boyfriend is usually one of the most basic starting points for any wedding but this was nearly all of her father's doing who had planned the whole thing from start to finish like a secret arranged marriage or child bride situation which is totally disgusting and probably illegal. Daphne Lovesmith doesn't actually go to my school St Mongo's so I've never even met her to tell the honest truth. She's probably a bit too posh to go to a school like St Mongo's anyway living in one of those big massive houses at the top of Zillion Hill and looking down at all the rest of Zillion New Town. Although from what I've heard Daphne Lovesmith is actually a surprisingly nice person and it's mostly her father who is the big snob in their family. His name is Maddox Lovesmith and he sounds like one of those types of people who will do or say anything to make more money and are always trying to move up in the world. I think he even does one of those types of jobs which used to be respectable in society but everyone now hates these days like bankers or lawyers or disc jockeys. The problem for people like Maddox Lovesmith is that there's always somebody to hear about who is richer or posher than you are and he doesn't even live right at the top of Zillion Hill anyway but is only about four doors down. In other words he's quite a big fish in a very small duckpond and there are plenty of bigger fish to fry in the sea and Zillion New Town is never going to be good enough or big enough for someone like him. Until that very fateful day when an opportunity to better himself suddenly came along out of the thin blue air and Maddox Lovesmith got so excited that he nearly wet his boxers at the very thought of it.

To go right back to the beginning of this very nasty business it all started at one of these so-called charity fundraising events where rich people go to meet other rich people and make a lot more money than they actually give away. As Maddox Lovesmith looked around the room for people to arselick he suddenly could not believe his eyes as they met a quite famous man called Baron Conrad Chadwycke. The most famous part about Baron Conrad Chadwycke is not that he was famous but that he was actually infamous which is the best and coolest type of famous by far. Put it this way Conrad Chadwycke is much better known to the world of gossip as Champagne Conrad Chadwycke who has gone through a lot of wives and is sort of related to royalty. Now Maddox Lovesmith knows all the latest royal celebrity gossip as well as any big fish in a shallow pond and he immediately got himself introduced to Baron Conrad Chadwycke and the rest as they like to say is his story.

The quickest way to make friends with someone called Champagne Conrad is to quickly offer them a drink and hope they accept and then keep on offering them more drinks until they can't stand up or even leave their chair. Luckily for Maddox his offers of drink were more than welcome and himself and Champagne Conrad were soon getting along like two old houses on fire. It turned into quite an expensive evening for Maddox but somehow he just knew that it was going to pay off and be worth his while in the bigger picture especially as Champagne Conrad got more and more drunken and completely opened up about his personal private life. The more bottles of booze that Champagne Conrad cracked open the more interesting his chitter-chatter was getting and the longer the night went on the better that Maddox was getting to know him. Best of all Maddox was also learning that all the rumours about Baron Conrad Chadwycke seemed to be true. This was when the Baron started whining about his terrible money worries and wife problems and his huge old stately home in the country called Elsinore which was costing him a fortune to live in and couldn't go much further.

As the night turned into the morning and the party started to look saggy-eyed and ready for bed it was only just beginning for Maddox Lovesmith. When one door slams in your face another door opens at your feet as they like to say and this was the moment when Maddox had a totally mental brainwave and offered Champagne Conrad the opportunity to solve all his legal and money worries. It was an idea in a million to say the very least and was sprinkled with the magic ingredients of boozeful confidence and drunken hopefulness. Yet somehow or other the