The Santa Claus Gang

By Ian M. Dudley

It's hard to enjoy Xmas when even the Santa Claus Gang's out to get you.

When the Prussian Death Squad Robot commandos (with Live Action Grappling Hooks!) disappear en masse on Xmas Eve, the crime bears all the hallmarks of the nefarious Santa Claus Gang.

Can Marlowe and Nina crack the case? With only a few hours to locate the missing commandos, they find themselves yet again delving into the seedy, dumpster-filled underbelly of the City’s criminal underworld. But delve they must! For failure to stop the Santa Claus Gang doesn't just mean non-payment from the client.

It means death.

And not the pleasant, temporary kind.

In this heartwarming Xmas tale, 'tis the season for Marlowe and Nina to stop the holiday-themed criminal organization known as the Santa Claus Gang from giving away the Most Wanted Toy of the Year. Otherwise, the poor conglomerate that manufactures the Prussian Death Squad Robot Commandos (with Live Action Grappling Hooks!) faces financial ruin as well as civil fines that represent a miniscule fraction of their annual profits.

The Santa Claus Gang is a short story set after the action of Marlowe and the Spacewoman, but before the nail-biting excitement of Balloons of the Apocalypse. And now, for a limited time, it’s available in English!

(Esperanto edition planned for 2020, if the ban on that language is repealed by then.)

• Language: English
• Publisher: Ian M. Dudley
• Release date: Nov 30, 2012
• ISBN: 9781301229413

Ian M. Dudley

Ian M. Dudley was born in California in 19--, in what will undoubtedly go down in the history books as a dark year indeed for literature. At age 18, he ran away to New York City to find fame and glamor in the New York literary world. He didn't.Ian has written numerous unpublished works of fiction and non-fiction, the titles of which are too terrible to duplicate here, except for The Killer Party: How to Host A Murder Mystery. The promotional activities for that book led to his incarceration in 1993 in the New York Municipal Hospital for the Criminally Insane.

Book preview

The Santa Claus Gang

or

Never Look A Gift Prussian Death Squad

Robot Commando In The Mouth

by

Ian M. Dudley

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THE SANTA CLAUS GANG Smashwords Edition

A Pallmark Publication / November 2012

All rights reserved.

Copyright © 2012 Ian M. Dudley

Cover artwork by smokewithouthmirrors

http://smokewithoutmirrors.deviantart.com/

No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher. Otherwise there might be trouble.

All characters appearing in this work are fictional, and any similarity to persons real, living or dead, is entirely coincidental and totally unintentional. Honest.

ASSEMBLED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA WITH PARTS MADE IN THE USA

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Other Works by Ian M. Dudley

MARLOWE AND THE SPACEWOMAN series

Marlowe and the Spacewoman

The Santa Claus Gang

Balloons of the Apocalypse (available in 2013)

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ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

I wish to acknowledge the English language, without which this story would never have been possible. At least not in a form easily accessible to Americans, Brits, and most Canadians. Or myself, for that matter.

Any pain the reader experiences in the course of reading this narrative is due in no part to the English language, but my use of it. In addition, the above-mentioned pain, it should be pointed out, if indeed felt, has been dramatically reduced by the thorough and thoughtful intervention of the following people, who willingly plowed through earlier drafts:

Scott Brown

Lise Quintana

Heather Liston

Clifford Brooks

Keith White

They suffered that you might not. And they are as absolved of responsibility for any failings in this work as the English language is.

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I apologize for the intrusion, said House, but as predicted, the Prussian Death Squad Robot Commandos have all vanished.

Marlowe's eyes popped open and he rolled out of the bed as the bedding pulled itself aside. Good luck, said the sheets. Be careful.

I will, Marlowe murmured back. The chronometer display projected onto his retina read 12/24, 2:56AM. Xmas Eve, a holiday once rumored to have religious implications, but now, to the general public, all Eleventh Hour Consumerists, a time to buckle down and get shopping.

I hate this time of year, grunted Marlowe as he stood up. Tracking his movements, the room lights brightened. A few of the less attentive bulbs wished him a 'Merry Xmas.'

Marlowe addressed the bowling trophy on his dresser. Has-Matt calling, I presume?

The bowling trophy, unsurprisingly, didn't answer. It was Marlowe's current selection as a focal point for addressing House, who answered via external speakers in the ceiling. Who else? Acting CEO Trace McNamara.

Marlowe nodded. Patch me through.

Done, said House.

CEO McNamara? This is Marlowe. How can I be of service?

The woman on the other end answered brusquely. "I need you at our main warehouse. Now. We've been robbed, and if I fail to recover the toys by seven am today, in time for delivery to the stores, per Section 12, Paragraph 817 of the Xmas Economic Stimulus and Capital Deterrent to Savings Act, I will be executed."

I presume the entire stock of your Prussian Death Squad Robot Commando dolls was stolen, said Marlowe.

Marlowe attempted to sound sympathetic despite his complete lack of sympathy. The capital punishment provisions of what most people called the Shop or Death Act had been moderately controversial at the time of the law's passage, but for rich people like McNamara, the death was only temporary. Sure, the shame would cling to her for the rest of her life like a wet skunk stole, but she'd live.

People who couldn't afford nano probes wouldn't be so lucky.

Yes, was her curt reply. Along with their Live-Action Grappling Hooks.

Marlowe didn't need to think about his answer, but made McNamara wait anyway. Sorry, not interested. I have my own shopping to do if I want to avoid execution.

Your interest is not required, said McNamara. "Under the authority of Section 17, Paragraph 491, Clause 46b of the Xmas Economic Stimulus and Capital Deterrent to Savings Act, I hereby deputize you as Lead Investigator attached to the Office of the CEO."

I've just received the legal paperwork, said House.

Parrot droppings, Marlowe subvocalized.

An adept assessment, said House on the private line. "McNamara has you well and truly ensnared. Under the Act, to decline any request to protect the growth of the economy is punishable by death. While you are fortunate enough to have nano probes, the damage to your