If I Die Young

By James A. Rennie

As World War One breaks out in Europe, Patrick O'Connor, a young Irish farmer is swept away by an over whelming feeling for something more. His whole life he had spent on his family's farm outside a small town. He wanted to see the world and find adventure. The war would be a perfect way to go abroad or so he thought. Although he had made up his mind to join the Army, he fought with himself on leaving his family and his longtime sweetheart, Shannon, behind. When Patrick arrived in France, he was full of youthful enthusiasm. Only to have it dashed by the reality of war. When he joined the Army it was with the hope of finding adventure. After his arrival to the trenches his hopes turned from adventure to just survival.

• Language: English
• Publisher: James A. Rennie
• Release date: Oct 1, 2012
• ISBN: 9780988245709

James A. Rennie

Graduated HS in 1995. Attended Longridge Writing Group and also received a Master's in ESL. Traveled extensively thoughout America and Europe. Currently living in New Jersey.

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If I Die Young

By

James A. Rennie

Published by

James A. Rennie at Smashwords

Copyright 2012 James A. Rennie

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This book is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

This book is a work of fiction and any resemblance to persons, living or dead, or places, events or locales is purely coincidental. The characters are productions of the author’s imagination and used fictitiously.

Adult Reading Material

Special thanks to Edwin Harris (http://www.facebook.com/#!/Edwin.gw.Harris?fref=ts) for the harp design and Rita Toews (http://www.yourebookcover.com/) for the cover design.

Table of Context

Chapter One: A Tough Decision

Chapter Two: Brother's Divided

Chapter Three: The Wedding Day

Chapter Four: The Volunteers

Chapter Five: Their Waiting is Over

Chapter Six: Fermoy

Chapter Seven: Home for a Final Goodbye

Chapter Eight: Lies

Chapter Nine: First Taste of War

Chapter Ten: A Sad Farewell

Chapter Eleven: New Commander

Chapter Twelve: Raiders in the Trenches

Chapter Thirteen: Sergeant

Chapter Fourteen: New Friends and Deception

Chapter Fifteen: Redeployed

Chapter Sixteen: A Bloody Scene

Chapter Seventeen: Guillemont

Chapter Eighteen: Letters, Medals, Thoughts, and Ginchy

Chapter Nineteen: The Cruel Start of Winter

Chapter Twenty: February

Chapter Twenty-One: A Deadly Mist

Chapter Twenty-Two: Reprieve from the Trenches

Chapter Twenty-Three: Whitesheet

Chapter Twenty-Four: The Return to Ypres

Chapter Twenty-Five: Bullcourt

Chapter Twenty-Six: The Spring Offensive

Chapter Twenty-Seven: A Whisper

Chapter Twenty-Eight: The Lovers Pain

Chapter One: A Tough Decision

On August 4th the whole of the British isle erupted with nationalist pride. After months of debate the British government had finally declared war on Germany. Crowds of young men swamped recruitment centers, not wanting to miss their chance at war. The crowds were so thick it seemed England itself would be devoid of men.

Of course here in Ireland the folks were less then jubilant. The Brits had been oppressing us for generations, so you can see our reluctance to fight for the bastards. There were of course many exceptions. John Redmond was calling for Irish volunteers. Not because he loved the British but in order to preserve the Home Rule Act. Since, the eighteen seventies home rule had dominated Irish politics with the hope of gaining full Irish independence. Earlier in nineteen fourteen the third home rule bill was passed by the English parliament. John Redmond as well as countless others believed fighting for the English would serve the home rule cause well. They thought by showing our bravery on the battle field would compel the English to grant us freedom at last.

And then there were lads like myself, Patrick O’Conner. Who just wanted a little adventure, to see what war was like? I wanted Irish independence as much as anyone from England. I thought like many Redmondites the English would not grant us home rule without our help in the war. Besides they all say it will be over by Christmas. A short interlude from the daily ennui of farming would be nice. I was seventeen and had never been more than ten miles from home. And probably would never get the chance to see other lands again.

It was now or never, I thought as I walked down the muddy road. I stopped for a moment to let the cool rain refresh my face. Pulling my flask from my pocket, I took a long drink. Normally I didn’t let my mother smell alcohol on my breath. But just coming from the pub there was no hiding it this day. Closing the flask, I continued down the sloppy road towards my family’s farm. I cupped a cigarette in my hand and lit it, trying in vain to keep it dry. My mind raced as I scrambled to come up with a way to break the news to my family. My brother Colin was a die hard nationalist and would never support me fighting for the British. And my mother, God bless her, the news of me leaving will break her heart. But what bothered me the most was telling Shannon.

She was my whole world and the sole reason this decision was breaking my heart. We were born only two months apart and on adjacent farms. There is not a time in either of our lives we had been apart. In fact our two families have been planning our wedding since we were five. Shannon and I agreed on next summer when we both turned eight teen. I did not know how she would take the news but just thinking about leaving her brought a tear to my eye. I must be mad to want to leave such a beautiful girl behind for some fools war.

Her soft white face with those deep green eyes mesmerized anyone that saw her. And that hair, her fiery red hair complimented her personality perfectly. I could not have asked for a better life. But there was some nagging fascination with the outside world. That kept calling me like a strong wind that pulled me insatiably to the battlefield.

Only my father would truly understand decision to fight. He had spent his whole life on the farm, not that he regretted it. But I can remember countless times as a child, him putting me on his lap as the sun sank below the horizon. He used to say to me.

Patrick there’s a whole world out there, which I never saw. One day Lad I hope you get to see it.

Through the relentless rain I could see my house. I pressed on and snuck one more drink, before reaching out and pushing open the gate to the front walk. Our setter Red came running up to greet me, his tail wagging franticly. I pet his soggy back as I walked by and up the porch. I wiped my feet feverishly on the mat outside our door. Not wanting to track in mud and incurring the wrath of my mother. I took off my drenched coat and hat and laid them out on the bench to dry. I walked in unnoticed; the smell of dinner filled the house. I did not see my father or brother anywhere. Casually I walked into the kitchen where my mother and sister Kate were hard at work getting supper on the table.

Hey mom smells good. I said kissing her check. I took a seat a picked up a piece of bread. I stuffed it into my mouth greedily.

My sister Kate looked at me with disgust. What are you a barbarian? She quipped with a touch of sincerity. A smile ran across my face. I opened my mouth to show her the mush in my mouth. She cried out in revulsion. You are so gross. She shook her head with displeasure and continued on with her chores.

I laughed hard at the spectacle she was making. Ah you know you love it. I stopped there feeling my mothers disapproving stare on my back.

Patrick stop being disgusting and go dry yourself off before you get sick. She commanded sharply. My mother would never admit to it but I was her favorite and she always babied me, much to my father’s disappointment. Where have you been anyway its miserable out there?

Patrick, have you heard to Brits finally declared war? I hope every last one of them gets killed. Kate interrupted, placing the plates on the table.

Katie, young ladies do not speak like that. It is a sin to wish that, even if they are enemies. Mother lectured.

I have been at the pub mom. I said turning on my sister. I had decided right then that since there was no easy way to say it I would just come out with it. Yes Kate I heard. I was thinking I might listen to Redmond and join up. It will be like an adventure, everyone one says it will be over by Christmas anyway. So, I won’t be gone long.

I reached over the table and poured a small glass of whiskey. I figured me drinking was the least of my mom’s worries. I looked up and saw the anguished look on their faces. I tossed back the whiskey and sat there waiting for someone to say something. I could see the tears welling up in my mother’s eyes. She sat down in stunned silence as the tears started to flood down her face. I knew that would be my mother’s reaction but my sister’s surprised me more. I could see her pale complexion turning increasingly red with anger. Finally she could not take it anymore and exploded.

How the hell can you go and leave your family to fight for those bastards. Do you want to be some kind of hero? Hero’s end up dead Patrick is that what you want do you want to die for them? Kate snarled, with her dark eye’s glaring at me.

Watch your mouth there’s no need for that language. My mother snapped, wiping the tears from her face. She gathered herself together and placed her hand on my check. Patrick, you’re my baby and I love you but I think this is a rash decision. Have you talked with your father or Colin? And how can you just up and leave Shannon here alone. It will break her heart. Besides she is a beautiful young woman. If you leave what’s to say she would not marry another in your absence. You can’t join the army. I will have no more such talk in this house. She demanded with a loving smile.

My mother kissed my forehead and walked over to the stove as if the conversation never took place. Kate stood there staring intently between our mother and myself. My mother came back with a steaming pot of rabbit stew and placed it on the table. I kept my head down thinking. I knew they loved me and wanted me to stay safe but they just did not understand. Mother pulled up a chair and sat down in front of me. She placed her hands softly on my knees.

Darling, I know you want to travel and see new lands. You were born to do something important, something amazing and you will just give it some time. Ok Patrick. She whispered in a soothing voice.

My mother had a gift for knowing what to say at the right time. I know she was trying to make me feel better. And most of the time she did. But this time I could find no comfort in her words. I know mom. I supposed in a depressed tone of voice. I stood up and kissed my mom. I am going for a walk over to Shannon’s ok.

Ok dear don’t be too late and tell Shannon and her family I send my love. And Patrick I love you. She answered with a smile.

I walked by my sister and touched her check. She pulled away in spite and gave me this look of condescension. I laughed to myself; she always looked funny when she got mad. Colin and I used to get under her skin just so we could laugh at her expressions. I walked through the door and discovered to my delight that the rain had slowed down considerably. I put back on my soggy jacket and started down the steps. Red tried to follow but I pointed to the ground and told him to stay. With some dismay in his eyes he obeyed reluctantly. I stood at the end of our walk and took a deep breath. Then I pushed open the gate and started the mile long hike to Shannon’s house.

As I walked I thought of her profoundly, she was the only reason I was torn about leaving. Otherwise I would be ready to jump a train to Dublin. I would miss everything about her. The way her hair hung over her eyes. The way she used to wink mischievously at me. But most of all I think I will miss her laugh and those dimple’s when she smiled. I knew she would side with my mother about me going and that would make everything just that much more complicated.

I stood still and reached in my pocket for a cigarette. My first match blew out with the wind, on my second try it lit just fine. I inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly. Trying to get the courage to confront Shannon I took another long swig from my flask. Placing my flask neatly into my pocket I enjoyed another long drag from my cigarette and continued on my way.

After some time I arrived at Shannon’s house. Pausing to think, I decided to just tell her since I could not think of any better way to explain it to her. I took one more drink, the more liquid courage the better. I passed through the gate and headed down the dirt path towards her home. I patted her lazy dog on the head, as it finally acknowledge my presence. I tossed my smoke before walking up the stairs to her door.

The Sullivan’s house was a modest home, I would have to say. It was nicer than ours but humble just the same. I climbed the front steps and stood under the porch roof relieved to get out of the steady drizzle. I walked up to the door I could smell fresh paint as I knocked. After a moment Mrs. Sullivan appeared at the door with an inviting smile.

Patrick, my dear please come inside. Shannon’s just clearing the table. Are you hungry I can make you a plate? She asked as she leaned in and kissed my cheek.

Thank you Mrs. Sullivan but I just ate. Can you ask Shannon to come out? It is a mess out here and I am filthy I don’t want to drag this mess inside. I explained regretfully.

Ok dear, I will send her right out with a cup of hot tea for you. She said as she turned to go and get Shannon.

I sat on the Sullivan’s wooden bench that had a thin cushion placed on it. I looked down at their sleeping dog Sam; he had not a care in the world. He looked as peaceful as his chest raised up then fell back down. Taking my gaze from him, I sat back thinking about the past. How simple life used to be ten years ago; when I was just a boy. No worries or dread or some yearning for something that I could not quite figure out what it was. I had a great life so far; I had a loving family. I had a wonderful girl whom loved me unconditionally. We weren’t rich but we did own land. I did not know what it was but I had to leave Ireland. Maybe I needed to find myself; perhaps this war will be good for me; I just did not know.

The sound of approaching footsteps relieved me from my thoughts. I sat up straight and turned my attention towards the door. Shannon stepped out onto the porch smiling dazzlingly; her beauty took my breath away. She wore my favorite blue dress adorned with little white flowers sewn in throughout. In my eye’s she was a Goddess; she was flawless. I stood up as she came rushing forward to embrace me.

What a wonderful surprise I did not think I would see you today. I am so glad to see you. Mother says she will bring us some tea as soon as the water warms. She said excitedly with her arms wrapped around my neck. She kissed me twice in rapid succession.

Come let’s sit down my feet are killing me. I have been walking all day. I suggested.

You smell like booze so I am guessing you went to the pub for a spell. If you’re so tired why didn’t you ride Flash over here? She asked as she held my hand leading me to the bench to sit. We sat down are hands still entwined. Just as I was about to tell her; Mrs. Sullivan came outside with two cups of tea.

Here you go, dears. She politely announced handing us each a cup. Well I will let you kids talk amongst yourselves now. We thanked her as she excused herself and walked back inside.

What’s wrong Patrick? I know you did not walk through the rain and mud just for the fun of it.Shannon asked concerned. I know you miss me but this weather is just dreadful. She jibed trying to make me laugh.

I took a sip of tea; trying to think of what to say next. I did not know how to tell her; truth be told I was afraid to. I knew she would get upset and be against me going. I looked into her eye’s there were tears welling up in her eyes. I do not know how she knew but she did; we have known each other our entire lives maybe this was the reason; I don’t know. Or perhaps she just saw it in my eyes.

I already know what you want to tell me and I say no. You can’t leave me I won’t let you. I would die without you; I cannot lose you. I knew this was going to happen I just knew it. I prayed that England would stay out of it. She said through her tears.

Shannon sweetheart, I do not know why this war is calling me but I do know with all my heart that I love you and I don’t want to hurt you. I told her tenderly as I whipped the tears from her eyes.

It’s too late for you hurting me Patrick. She interrupted. You have a good life here; better than most. Why you have this vendetta against Ireland or why you feel that you have to go off and fight this war that is not yours I will never know. She cried as she buried her face into my chest. Shannon lifted her head; kissed me and looked into my eyes. She placed her warm hand on my cheek. I will tell you one thing Patrick. You are not leaving Ireland without making me your wife. You are the only boy I will ever love. If there is nothing I can do to turn you from this selfish path. Then you are leaving me as my husband. She demanded. She threw her arms back around my neck and kissed me.

As we kissed; I thought of the past. Everyone in the town knew we would end up as husband and wife. But I don’t think anyone could envision us marrying under these circumstances. Our parents wanted us to marry when we both turned eight teen but given the state of affairs we were in we felt confident it would go uncontested. Love such as ours could not be denied. Oh, how simple our lives were just a few hours ago. For better or worse they were going to change; we just did not know how.

Of course I will marry you, Shannon. That’s what I have always wanted. As the sky is blue and the stars are infinite; it has always been my hearts only desire. I told her in a tender tone. I brushed her red hair from her face and kissed her soft lips.

Chapter Two: Brother's Divided

That weekend our parents were having a great feast to celebrate our upcoming marriage. Just about the entire town was there to rejoice with us. We danced to traditional music and ate a grand meal; and of course we over indulged in beer and whiskey. Not a word was spoken about my impending departure or joining the sixteenth division. In which I would be signing up for soon after our union.

The only one without a smile on their face was my older brother Colin. As well as being a devote nationalist he was also extremely strong willed or hard headed take your pick. Just as I had thought he disapproved fanatically to me fighting for the British. I could see his disappointment in his face. I had never seen such resentment in his otherwise brilliant blue eyes. It hurt me to see him that incensed with me after all we had always been close and besides Shannon was the closest to me. We had not said a word to each other all week. I had been right in thinking my father would be the only one to understand.

For the first time in my life I was generally excited to be alive. The future was wide open; I felt the world was at my feet. I saw Shannon across the yard talking with some of the girls from town. She smiled and gave me a wink and I smiled back; we were happy. The next day we would start the rest of our lives together. This war would not last long and I will be back in her warm embrace before the New Year. And when we had secured peace in Europe and the English had passed the home rule act; we could start a family and truly be at peace.

On the morning of my wedding; I was awoken by my brother shaking me. I opened my eyes and rubbed the sleep from them slowly. Colin was sitting at the end of my bed his face told the story; his anger had taken over him. I gradually lifted myself and sat up.

What the hell Colin. It’s early I have a busy day I need some sleep. I protested annoyed he had wakened me in such a manner. He slapped me hard on the leg.

Come on get your ass up we have to take a walk. He said getting to his feet. We have to have a little talk. He walked out allowing me to get dressed.

I got up and tossed my head from side to side; trying to shake the cobwebs from my hung over head. I quickly got dressed into the clothes I had worn the previous night. Hustling down the stairs I saw my brother waiting impatiently in the parlor.

Colin where are we going; I have a wedding today in case you forgot. I cannot be late for that Shannon will skin me alive. I reminded him with concern.

Don’t worry I will have you back in plenty of time for your wedding. He reassured me as he hurried me through the door before anyone could ask any questions.

We went around to the back of the house at a rapid pace and headed off through the pasture. I knew we were heading to the river that our father had brought us fishing all of our lives. We quickly reached the tree line without saying a word to each other. It was hard enough just to keep up with his feverish march. He led me down the threadlike path towards the river. I could already hear the water rushing over the large river stones. We had along with Shannon’s older brother James and two of our other friends, had placed them there as children as a way to cross. Finally we came to the river’s edge. Colin turned and made eye contact with me. At long last he spoke.

What the hell are you thinking? Patrick you’re my only brother and I love you. But I cannot support you in this absurdity. How can you be willing to fight for a country that hates you? Have you forgotten your Irish? And by the way little brother this is a real war not some game we played as kids. If you get shot in this game you die for real. He reached down and picked up a rock from the river bank. Heatedly he threw it across the river into a large tree.

I am thinking and quite clearly you’re the one that’s not. What do you think will happen to home rule if we do not go and fight? I will tell you what will happen it will go nowhere and we will be stuck under the thumb of the English forever. What do you think you can beat the Brits with homemade bombs and some old rifles? This is the only way for Ireland to ever achieve independence. I alleged, getting annoyed with my brother’s badgering.

You selfish little shit. My brother snapped. What about mom she cries at least once a day thinking about you leaving. Father he’s getting old he needs us now more than ever on the farm. What about Shannon; she loves you and you are just going to leave her. For fuck’s sake the two of you are not even married yet and you’re already planning on leaving.

I don’t tell you how to live your life; don’t tell me how to live mine. Maybe staying on the farm is all you want to do but I don’t want to waste my life here. I want to see the world is that so hard for you to understand. I snapped I could not take it anymore.

You are slapping Ireland in the face and more importantly father and me. He yelled as he turned his back to me.

I placed my hand on his shoulder but he shrugged the embrace off instantly. I saw his fist clench with fury. I seen the right hand coming but I just stood there waiting for impact. It connected with my jaw with a thud. I stumbled backwards over a rock and crumbled to the ground. I quickly reached for my jaw; it was not broken but I spit out blood. I did not know what to think of what happened; I just sat looking up at him. I could see in his face that he was sorry for hitting me but he did not say so.

I will go to the wedding for the family’s sake but after that I never want to speak with you again. Go off to the war little brother see the world if that’s what you want. But I won’t be here for you when you get back; if you come back at all. I never want to see your face again. It seemed as if he wanted to say more but he did not he turned around and made hast up the trail towards the house.

Finally it just occurred to me what he had said. I stood up and shouted at the top of my lungs. You can’t mean that Colin we are the only brothers we will ever have.

I fell to the ground and pressed my face into my hands and cried. I could not understand why he could not see why I had to go. Maybe I was wrong; I was beginning to question my own motives. Could it be that was being selfish or was I that confused? Wiping the tears from my eyes, I spit a mouth full blood into the river. I had to get back and get ready for the wedding. I had plenty of time so I slowly walked back; taking the long route to think. I gently ran my hands along the top of the rye as I walked through it. I reached the top of a small hill and looked out over our land. My family had worked this same land for generations. When I died my sons would someday take over and work along side Colin’s sons. We had always been so close; this was the first real fight we had ever been in and my heart was broken.

After a couple of hours of reflection I came home and went straight upstairs to get dressed. I gathered up my good suit and put it on; walking in front of the mirror looked good despite the small reddish lump on my jaw. The light gray suit brought out my fair complexion quite nicely. I stood there looking at my reflection and a smile started to form on my face. I tried to put the argument with Colin out of my mind for now. I was getting married it was a happy day; I would handle my brother later.

As I looked myself over I could see my father standing in my doorway staring at me with proud eyes. In his hand held a bottle of whiskey with two glasses neatly stacked on top. He walked in and sat down at the edge of my bed. He placed the glasses on the floor and with haste uncorked the bottle.

Come Lad sit down and talk to an old man for a minute. He suggested as he filled the glasses with the potent elixir. I looked to him unenthusiastically. I assumed he wanted to take Colin’s side and I did not want to talk about now; just hours before I was married. It was supposed to be a happy occasion and the day was turning into a nightmare. Seeing my concern my father patted the bed next to him. Come on now I am not going to kill you. He joked.

I laughed as I walked over and took a seat next to my father. I reached out and accepted the drink with appreciation. We touched glasses and drank them down thirstily. Father took the empty glass from my hand and refilled it.

So dad what did you want to talk about. We have to start getting ready we only have a few hours left before we have to leave. I reminded him as my father passed me back my refilled glass.

He smiled and raised his glass. I am old not senile. My father scoffed. He