Stramashed

By PJ Bristow

From the aftermath of HG Wells Martian invasion, to the sad fate of the universe's last Platitudeypus this brief selection of short stories includes giggles, murder, vinyl records and a peculiar solution for unemployment.

• Language: English
• Publisher: PJ Bristow
• Release date: Aug 21, 2012
• ISBN: 9781476276267

PJ Bristow

I love old books, old buildings, storytelling, folklore, heritage, poetry and family above all else. Even The Smiths, and I love them A Lot. I live in Greenock, Scotland and work here developing and managing a number of community projects. Some of those link to the blogs I'm writing, others not so much.

Book preview

Stramashed

A selection of short stories

By PJ Bristow

All text copyright PJ Bristow 2012

Except War of the Worlds - Terminus copyright PJ Bristow 1996

Cover photo by Sharon Bristow

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Smashwords Edition, License Notes

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Contents

Platitudeypus

Churn

Watching The Detectives

The War of the Worlds - Terminus

About PJ Bristow

Preview - The Twelve Days of Alice

Preview - Tales of the Oak

Platitudeypus

The assault fleet of the Galaxia Media Corporation hung silently in orbit, waiting. Below, the focus of their long mission, the last planet to provide a home to the almost entirely extinct platitudeypus, beloved of publishing companies and lecture circuits everywhere.

So important, so vital was this mission, that the entire operation was being beamed back to their homeworld as a reality TV series, the longest running in their planet’s history. In truth, most people preferred the first few series before all the staged wars and jacuzzi planets. Initially, the advertising revenue from the show had funded the tanks and guns. Now it was lucky to cover the freeze dried ice-cream.

Admiral Fnurt wearily straightened his lapels and walked on to what he was beginning to feel was the rather optimistically named Battle Deck.

Admiral on deck! chirped a well groomed lieutenant.

Well Captain..are the forces preparing to strike?

Captain Zstash shifted awkwardly in his very comfortable Captains chair.

Well...yessss...but me and the lads we was thinking

Fnurt sighed.

Yes?

Well it’s not a very nice day is it? I mean looking at those monitors. It’s pouring down.

I fail to see what this has to do with our planned attack.

You don’t want to turn up on a wet day is all I’m saying. None of the lads have got macs or anything...and yknow...it might be sunny tomorrow. Sets a better tone for an invasion.

Fnurt had known this was how his day was going to end up.

This is not a holiday Captain. We cannot afford to wait.

You’d kick yourself it it was nice tomorrow though. I mean wouldn’t you?

Fnurt had read a book earlier in the week, Just Managing, it suggested that you do the thing that you are most dreading first in the day because then the rest of the day would be a breeze. It did not allow for the possibility that the thing you are dreading most might take all day.

Captain we have been orbiting this planet for the last ten years. And every time we are ready for attack...something goes wrong.

Oh come on sir. That last time was hardly my fault.

Well I can’t see how your emergency dental treatment would take priority over the mission.

I lead from the front Sir. If I’m not there the lads are all over the place.

The assembled Generals on the Battle Bridge nodded in agreement, one or two dropped their weapons or held them upside down to illustrate their incompetence. Fnurt was fairly sure most of that was intentional.

Captain we were here two years before you mentioned you’d forgotten to pack all the attack saucers.

Fnurt winced at this memory, this remained one of the most popular episodes of the TV show.

Well..

And what about the time before that when you couldn’t attack because your task force were all being fitted for new trousers?

But I think you’ll agree they looked a treat

Second most popular episode. Third was the first time they found a jacuzzi planet.

We are here to take this planet...rain or no rain.

It is awfully heavy rain.

Admiral Fnurt recalled another lesson from his book.

Now is not the time for us to pick the low hanging fruit. Moving forward I want us all singing off the same hymn sheet. Today, we attack!

So, what was it that inspired the heroic Galaxia media empire armies to brave the near torrential rains? What could be worth travelling halfway across the universe for? Well, money obviously. The platitudeypus first came to prominence just over a century ago, indigenous to several hundred very similar carbon based planets it has since been hunted to near extinction not because it tastes particularly nice or looks good as mittens, but largely because it irritates many lifeforms to the point of violent fundamentalism. And that is because this bafflingly literate beast’s many and varied mating calls sound exactly like the sort of vague half baked false wisdom that people really like to hear in times of personal crisis. So, while a male platitudeypus might be frantically signalling all females within a five mile radius, it would sound to our ears like he was suggesting that time heals all wounds or ah well, it wasn’t meant to be. The fact that medicine and surgery are more likely to heal wounds than letting them fester over time, or the notion that you are solely responsible for your own destiny and frequent mistakes is really neither here or there - who likes to hear that miserable rationalism when you can listen to a reassuring platitudeypus instead. After all it’s better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick. As indeed, is almost anything.

It only took one savvy entrepreneur to set the whole nightmare in motion; by recording the mating calls of the platitudeypus, naturalist Fillian Trantantor realised he had enough material to release an audiobook on increasing your self esteem through interpretive dance. He released Like No One Is Watching on Monday, was able to quit being a naturalist by Wednesday, and by Thursday teatime, the platitudeypus was being pursued by publishers across the galaxy.

Behavioural discoveries came thick and fast; herds of captive platidudeypi would synchronise the style and theme of their mating calls to the point where within a week you could almost guarantee that you would have enough material for a book on management theory, the power of positive thinking or relationship counselling. The outlay was low, a few leafy cages with a tank full of aquatic insects, and with just a sprinkling of judicious ghost-writing, you could be hitting the bestseller lists in no time.

As is so often the case, the popularity of the platitudeypus became it’s ultimate undoing. Ruthless