Osama's Nuts

By Mary Buckles

A fanciful re-imagining of bin Laden’s final years, written with Sacha Baron Cohen in mind for the title role, Osama’s Nuts dumps bin Laden into an alternate universe where God has a sense of humor — and justice.

What happens when the world’s most misogynistic, homophobic, narcissistic bully explores his feminine side? What’s the real reason we haven’t seen photos of bin Laden’s body after the Abbottabad raid? Here’s your chance to find out!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Mary Buckles
• Release date: Jun 1, 2012
• ISBN: 9781476423432

Book preview

Advance praise for Osama’s Nuts:

No one could predict that the literary fall-out of 9/11 would include a hilariously conceived plot in which Osama Bin-Laden gets an inadvertent gender reassignment. Mary Ann and Jack are pioneers, again, this time in the emerging genre of homeland security fan fiction.

-- Michael Erard, author of Babel No More: The Search for the World's Most Extraordinary Language Learners and Um...: Slips, Stumbles and Verbal Blunders and What They Mean

"Any faceless studio drone who reads this and does not immediately offer this talented couple a billion dollar contract deserves no more than a strong dose of Haldol and a pillow over the face...

Too direct?  Well how about:

This work certainly raises the bar for contributors to the genre of Extradimensional Alternative History Revenge and Justice. In the event there is no physical Hell constructed for the punishment of evil, Buckles and Wathey have invented one that even the most skeptical secular humanist will find spiritually satisfying. For all of you who ever said 'I'd like to have just five minutes alone with that s.o.b.', here's your chance to spend a much less risky couple of hours with the s.o.b."

-- M. Michael Huntley, author of the forthcoming novel Skilley's Inlet

"Osama's Nuts is an outrageously funny piece of work, written by two individuals who are absolutely intent on bringing Bin Laden down to the lowest level possible. This mission is accomplished, as a disgustingly hilarious plot unfolds and becomes more and more preposterous with each page turn. The ending will leave the reader shrieking with laughter, when the story gives a ribald slant on the historical facts of Osama's demise. I'm not sure that even Sacha Baron Cohen would consent to doing this one!"

-- Steve Rucker, lecturer, University of Miami

Osama’s Nuts

A Screenplay

Copyright 2012 by Mary Ann Buckles and John C. Wathey

Writer’s Guild of America (West) Registration: 1580758

ISBN: 9781476423432

Published by Mary Ann Buckles and John C. Wathey at Smashwords

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of these authors.

This book is fiction. Anyone who thinks otherwise should consult a psychiatrist.

Table of Contents

Preface

Terrorists Don’t Retire

A Minor Medical Mishap

The Estrogen Kicks In

Money Management

Inner Peace

The Amorous Sheik

The Chase

The Raid

About the Authors

Acknowledgements

Preface

Mary Ann conceived Osama’s Nuts in late 2007, when recession was in the air but not yet upon us, George W. Bush was president, the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan dragged on, and Osama bin Laden’s droning videotaped presence seemed interminable. As a massage therapist at a hotel spa, Mary Ann had significant chunks of writing time between clients, and she had something to say. She wanted the story to be funny, but also wanted to express her outrage at the cruelty, misogyny, homophobia, hypocrisy and cowardice of bin Laden and his ilk, and to achieve some measure of justice -- even if only in fantasy.

I got involved only gradually, at first just supplying the occasional one-liner, but eventually the story sucked me in so deeply that Mary Ann insisted on listing me as co-author. Writing it was great, wholesome family activity. We could not imagine any actor with the chutzpah to pull off this depiction of bin Laden until we saw Sacha Baron Cohen in Borat. Our feisty leading lady came to life in our minds after we saw Tovah Feldshuh in Golda’s Balcony.

Osama’s Nuts is one of the tens of thousands of spec screenplays written each year, only a negligible fraction of which ever make it onto the silver screen. By the time we understood this dismal reality in mid 2010, the script had taken on a life of its own, at least for me. It seemed too good to discard. It said something about our collective national mood of frustration, and offered a little cathartic relief. It wielded the weapon most feared by narcissistic bullies: ridicule. I got a kick just from reading it, watching the movie in my mind.

For a time Mary Ann considered turning it into a novel, but the story worked so much better as a movie that she ultimately decided to leave it that way. Then came the events of May 1, 2011, which at first seemed to dash what infinitesimal hope we still had of selling it. I, however, saw a way to incorporate the Abbottabad raid into the script, and I still felt it was a fun read just as a screenplay.

So here’s the deal. You get to be the director and cinematographer. You choose the music and do the casting. Create the movie in your mind with the actors you love and with your own special effects. And if you like it, please recommend it to your friends. The script was originally 89 pages in the standard format of a spec screenplay, which means it would fill about that many minutes of screen time. This version has been reformatted for easier reading as an e-book. Enjoy!

J.C.W.

May 2012

FADE IN:

INT. WHITE HOUSE