The Torpthorker and Other Assorted Tales of Absurdity

By Christopher Scherman

This diverse collection of ten short stories are primarily of the humorous variety, though some explore more melancholic territory. The stories are as follows:

• A Grand Tale of Gallantry: A brave knight slays a dragon to protect the beautiful damsel in distress. This, however, is only half of the story. The rest reveals a fantasy crashing into reality.

• The Old Interview Routine: Rory Pillton is nervous for his job interview, but is he too nervous to get the job?

• Loving the Cat: This vignette takes a quick glance at a woman who has a strange affection for her cat.

• He May Have Already Won: How much personal information is Dalton willing to divulge to a stranger who promises easy money?

• Modern Argument: Some people have nothing better to do than embroil themselves in testy exchanges, as this brief story demonstrates. Here, two adults quibble over a minute detail.

• The Personal Blog of Yes it Does: A series of monologs in the form of blog postings offer the casual and observational musings of a gentleman named Yes it Does. These ponderings even caught the attention (some might say concern) of the American Institute of Mental Health.

• A Meeting of al-Qaeda Operatives: What happens when the leading members of al-Qaeda have gathered in a remote area and are assaulted by the mundane? Who really knows for sure, but let’s try to find out anyway when we review these meeting transcripts I found in a dumpster behind CIA headquarters.

• Swept Under: This melancholic vignette follows overstressed, overweight and overworked Gary as he has a slight emotional breakdown at the dinner table with his family.

• The Torpthorker: Mona’s car breaks down on a quiet and heavily wooded stretch of highway in Montana. While fussing over the situation, she is spotted by a strange, never-before-seen creature that lives in the dense forest.

• The Deviated Monotony of Thomas Gerstle Abernethy:
This three-part story revolves around Tom Abernethy as he: (1) amuses his nephew with a faux alien visitation; (2) is greeted at his door by proselytizing vampires; and (3) engages in food warfare at his favorite grocery store.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Christopher Scherman
• Release date: Mar 4, 2012
• ISBN: 9781466161931

Christopher Scherman

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Book preview

The Torpthorker

and Other Assorted Tales of Absurdity

Christopher Scherman

Smashwords Edition

Copyright 2012 Christopher Scherman

*****

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work and craftsmanship of this author.

All characters, situations and events in this book are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously and should not be construed as real. Any resemblance to persons, places, things, conversations or incidents that have occurred, are presently occurring or may occur at some point in the future is entirely coincidental.

Cover artwork by Kindell Armstrong

*****

Table of Contents

A Grand Tale of Gallantry

The Old Interview Routine

Loving the Cat

He May Have Already Won

Modern Argument

The Personal Blog of Yes it Does

A Meeting of al-Qaeda Operatives

Swept Under

The Torpthorker

The Deviated Monotony of Thomas Gerstle Abernethy

About the Author

*****

A Grand Tale of Gallantry

Help! Oh help me please!

Vurbella might be the only person who ever lived who could turn the gaze of the world to her direction, capture it spellbound and make it sigh. Her ravishing vixen eyes, flowing raven hair, and hourglass figure which she so meticulously maintained and had wrapped in exotic pink and lavender silks established her as an intimidating vision. She was the latest beneficiary in a lineage blessed and perfected with captivating genes. From atop a 60-foot-high stone-and-mortar tower, where she stayed the first weekend of every month, Vurbella’s delicate symmetrical features were slightly distorted while she cried out pleas from a window.

The cause of her distress was a stark black and gray beast who was prowling around a moat that encircled her residential tower. From head to tail, it was 30 feet in length. It had iron-crushing jaws; stiff, impenetrable scales covering its back, tail and head; long sickle-like claws; and a ferociously fiery breath that could burst forth from its throat on impulse.

Vurbella’s pleas echoed across the flat, grassy horizon, where in the shade of a mature deciduous rested young Arrontes. He was a strapping masculine figure with bright fresh blue eyes, smooth shoulder-length blond hair, and a powerful physique. He was dressed in the courtly familial vestments of his recently approved knighthood, and his sturdy steel sword, a peerless heirloom, rested beside him comfortably encased in its scabbard. As he napped among the roots of the tree, his ever-reliable purebred white steed munched softly on the thick, healthy blades of grass which carpeted throughout the observable distance.

Help! Help me!

Arrontes slowly lifted his eyelids, then stretched his arms and yawned. Did you hear something, Tybex? he said to his horse. He scanned the area, searching for a possible source for the voice. The horse looked up at him, letting out a slight gruff sigh.

Please help!

Tybex! Quickly! Arrontes climbed to his feet, inserted his sword through a loop by his waist, and mounted Tybex. He spun his head around in all directions while grasping the reins. Far off into the distance he sighted the stone tower with a large, dark figure roaming beneath it.

To the tower! He nudged Tybex in the side with his tight black boots and they were instantly racing toward the hysterics. Tybex hurriedly pummeled the ground below his hooves as Arrontes dislodged his sword from out of the scabbard.

When he got close enough to see the young woman clearly in the window, she was frantically waving both hands at him and then pointing at the beastly prowler below, who was busily thirsting on moat water.

Arrontes charged at the monster at full speed, carefully aiming his sword at its tail, which slumped loosely on the ground alongside the monster’s rigid structure. At the moment of approach, the beast quickly glanced behind him just in time to observe the carefully angled sword thrust underneath a row of scales at the base of his tail, cutting a deep gash which tore out several muscle ligaments.

A mighty roar of agony bellowed forth from the creature as Arrontes steered Tybex to swerve back around and strike another blow. Attempting to escape his attacker, the creature pulled himself through the ten-foot-deep moat, climbed out and leaned himself alongside the tower. Seeing the monster come in closer, Vurbella let out a petrified shriek.

In a full force gallup, Arrontes aimed Tybex straight for the monster. Undissuaded by the moat between them, Tybex sprang effortlessly through the air, clearing the eight-foot gap and putting Arrontes in prime position to take another swipe at the beast.

Stunned by the man’s approach, the beast sunk his claws into the cracks between the masonry of the tower and began to scale up the wall to evade the pursuer.

As Arrontes took a swing at the wound he had already inflicted, the beast reared his head downward and aimed a furious fiery plume at the attacker. Arrontes ushered Tybex around the curvature of the tower base and successfully dodged the burst of flame.

As the creature climbed higher to escape another attack, Vurbella began pelting the creature with boxes and books and any other item worthy of heaving that she could muster from her room in the tower’s apex. When the monster scaled backwards around the tower to avoid Vurbella’s assault, Arrontes plunged his sword in through the back of his hind leg and then repeatedly stabbed into the base of his foot.

Suffering fits of painful agony, the beast let out an aimless fury of fire into the sky as he began to lose his hold on the side of the tower. Vurbella chucked a large tome at the monster, which struck him in the side of the head, and he could no longer maintain control. The monster crashed to the ground, leaving his underbelly widely exposed.

Wasting no time, Arrontes dismounted from Tybex, ventured up to the head of the beast, and slashed his throat clean through with his flawless blade. The beast spewed up pints of red blood as Arrontes took careful aim with his sword once more, this time positioning it beneath the beast’s jaw.

By my father’s sword, Arrontes declared, you are thus slain. He drove the sword straight through the jaw of the beast and buried it deep into the base of his skull to deliver the fatal blow.

The monster shuddered and shook violently; his limbs flailing in utter helplessness before slowly sinking to a permanent rest. Arrontes pulled his sword from out of the monster and thrust it back into its encasement.

Is it dead? Did you kill it? Vurbella shouted down at him.

It is, my lady. Are you alright?

I’m feeling rather overwrought, but I shall be fine.

May I come up there?

Yes. Please do.

Arrontes found his way inside through a doorway situated beside a closed-up drawbridge. Inside, he saw before him the start of a long stairway which ascended the entire height of the tower by spiraling upward along its circular structure. Swiftly bounding up the staircase, Arrontes arrived at Vurbella’s room where she was picking up the scattered shards of a broken vase.

My dear, I’m pleased to see that you are well. There wasn’t too much damage, I hope.

Nothing which cannot be replaced, she replied. She placed the remains of the vase onto an empty shelf of a nearby bookcase. I am grateful for your heroism. She moved toward him and clasped his forearm between her hands.

It is my honor to have aided you. He gazed deeply into the divine symmetry of her eyes. Let us go into town, for I know a place where you can stay in safety for the time being. And I will personally see to it that the body of that beast is removed from here.

My great thanks to you for your diligence. And I shall be happy to go with you into town; I know I am safe with you.

Arrontes and Vurbella embraced in each others’ arms and walked smoothly and deliberately down the tower stairway side-by-side. Upon reaching the ground, Vurbella unlocked a crankshaft which spun rapidly and slowly lowered the drawbridge. Once lowered, Tybex stepped onto it and underneath the gateway. Arrontes lifted the young lady up onto the horse’s back before seating himself closely behind her while gripping the reins.

To town, Tybex. Arrontes’s boot heel pressed firmly into the side of his steed and together they sprinted across the grassland.

That was eighteen years ago.

Just after daybreak this morning, Hurston was aroused from an impromptu sleep by a warningless deluge of rain. He pulled his paunch frame up from the wooden staircase he had been dozing on which lead into a local alcohol distillery, and stepped inside the facility to escape the downpour. The body aches he earned through his awkward sleep pose could not match the raging stinging in his brain nor the parchness of his throat. Attempting to ease this pain, he lied flat on a bench while clutching his head and rubbing his temples.

Hurston, what are you still doing here? Rig, the owner of