Tastes Like Human: The Shark Guys' Book of Bitingly Funny Lists

By The SharkGuys

Humor writers Noel Boivin and Chris Lombardo follow up their acclaimed compendium of drunken feats, The Man Who Scared a Shark to Death (Penguin, 2007), with Tastes Like Human: The Shark Guys' Book of Bitingly Funny Lists. Here the authors, who one reviewer in reference to their first book called "fast and funny with the facts, without the morality", present a completely new and unapologetically irreverent take on the list book genre.

Tastes Like Human answers questions people didn't even know they wanted answers to like who are the Top Horniest Cult Leaders of All Time? What are the Top 10 Reasons Why You Should Never Return Things? Which incidents qualify as the Top Acts of Karaoke-Related Violence? All of this plus etiquette tips on matters as diverse as how to use an ATM machine without seeming like a complete prick, a guide to conduct when meeting Queen Elizabeth, and fighting suggestions the next time your mouth makes an online payment for which there are insufficient funds in your credit account (ass, in keeping with the analogy) to pay for.

REVIEWS

"What sets this book apart from other list books or "Ripley's Believe It Or Not"-esque compilations is the writing. Boivin and Lombardo team up to create lists that are both hilarious and smart."
Baltimore Reads

"Brilliant with their eye for sorting these bizarre tales with their eccentric narration."
Eastern Echo

"Often irreverent and outrageous, but rarely truly offensive and always funny."
The Felix

"Oddly interesting, insanely amusing."
Washburn Review

"Hilarious and informative...an overall fun read from cover to cover."
The Oswegonian

• Language: English
• Publisher: The SharkGuys
• Release date: Jan 28, 2012
• ISBN: 9781927114209

The SharkGuys

Noel Boivin lives in British Columbia, Canada, and worked previously as an editor for the South China Morning Post. He has written for several publications, including the National Post, CNN GO and the Calgary Herald.Christopher Lombardo is co-author of Death by Umbrella! The 100 Weirdest Horror Movie Weapons (https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/665520) and is a Toronto author, film critic and podcaster - co-host of the Really Awful Movies Podcast. He has written for George Stroumboulopoulos Tonight, Toronto Star, Globe & Mail, Mental Floss and Toro Magazine and writes genre film reviews at www.ReallyAwfulMovies.com.In 2007, Boivin and Lombardo's first book, The Man Who Scared a Shark to Death and Other True Tales of Drunken Debauchery, was published by Penguin. Tastes Like Human is their second collaboration.REVIEWS:"What sets this book apart from other list books or "Ripley's Believe It Or Not"-esque compilations is the writing. Boivin and Lombardo team up to create lists that are both hilarious and smart."Baltimore Reads"Brilliant with their eye for sorting these bizarre tales with their eccentric narration."Eastern EchoOften irreverent and outrageous, but rarely truly offensive and always funny."The Felix"Oddly interesting, insanely amusing."Washburn Review"Hilarious and informative...an overall fun read from cover to cover."The Oswegonian"A wide variety of hilarious lists”She Treads Softly

Book preview

THE SHARK GUYS’ BOOK

OF

BITINGLY FUNNY LISTS

~

NOEL BOIVIN

AND

CHRISTOPHER LOMBARDO

Contents

TASTES LIKE HUMAN

About the Authors

Acknowledgements

Introduction

CHAPTER I – IDOLIZING THE IDLE

Top 8 Great Achievements in Sitting

10 Reasons to Keep Found Items

Top 5 Unlucky Lottery Losers

7 People Who Should Not Win the Lottery

Top 10 Easiest College Majors

Top 10 Useless Professions

CHAPTER II – MAN, GOAT, LOVE – GONE WILD KINGDOM

Top 5 People who Married Animals

Top 10 Exploding Animals

7 Campaign Ideas for PETA

Top 15 Reasons Why Sharks Are Better Than Cats

CHAPTER III – THE SUPER UNNATURAL

Top 10 Horniest Cult Leaders of All Time

12 Murderers and Star Signs

Top 10 Jesus Spottings

Top 4 Virgin Mary Sightings

10 Famous Last Words That Could Use a Do-Over

5 Ways to Spruce up your Final Resting Place

CHAPTER IV – THERE OUGHTTA BE A LAW AGAINST THIS KIND OF CHAPTER

Top 6 Karaoke-Inspired Acts of Violence

Top 8 Criminal Prank Calls

6 Halloween Pranks Gone Wrong

Top 5 Out of Control College Parties

6 Creative Drug Smuggling Operations

CHAPTER V – THE SHARK GUYS’ GUIDE TO LIVING

Top 20 First Date Suggestions

Top 13 Fighting Tips

10 Etiquette Tips for Meeting the Queen

5 ATM Etiquette Guidelines

11 Elevator Etiquette Guidelines

15 Public Transit Etiquette Guidelines

Contact the Authors

Cover Design: Ian Shimkoviak

E-Formatting: Carrick Publishing

Tastes Like Human

ISBN: 978-1-927114-20-9

Copyright © 2012 Noel Boivin and Christopher Lombardo

Smashwords Edition

This e-book is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This e-book may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person you share it with. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then you should return to Smashwords and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of the authors.

About the Authors

Noel Boivin lives in Thailand where he writes for and is the chief sub-editor of the Sunday Bangkok Post and two weekend magazines. Boivin worked previously as an editor for the South China Morning Post, Thailand's Amarin Press, and has written for several publications, including the National Post, CNN GO and the Calgary Herald.

Toronto resident Chris Lombardo has written for the Globe & Mail, National Post and the Toronto Star. He has made appearances on Global National TV, CBC Newsworld TV, CBC Radio and discussed social media on Newstalk 1010. He is currently a media monitor and editor at Cision Canada.

In 2007, Boivin and Lombardo's first book, The Man Who Scared a Shark to Death and Other True Tales of Drunken Debauchery, was published by Penguin. Tastes Like Human is their second collaboration.

Lists from their website, TheSharkGuys dot com, have been featured on many sites including FARK, Cracked, IMDb, Gorilla Mask, Sports Illustrated, Huffington Post, Mental Floss, Comedy dot com and L Magazine. For rights inquiries, contact Janet Rosen of the Sheree Bykofsky Associates Literary Agency.

Dedications

For Linda Boivin and Inge Lombardo.

In loving memory of my grandmother

Ursula Elsa Denby (1920-2011) CL

Acknowledgements

We had the name The Shark Guys thrust upon us by interns (thrust and interns rarely appearing in the same sentence outside of congressional hearings) working for Penguin, publisher of our first humor book, The Man Who Scared a Shark to Death and Other True Tales of Drunken Debauchery. You might need to pass a lung function test to say that out loud, but it's a guaranteed good time.

We started TheSharkGuys dot com to promote that first book. But what started as a site for drunken funnies and book plugs turned into a popular list site ... that'll once again soon have no shortage of book plugs. Things have gone swimmingly since and that is due in great part to links to our lists from sites big and small, friends both online and off and timely tweets by media figures with huge followings.

There are dozens of people who helped bring the madness to the masses and we owe them a debt of gratitude. This isn't everybody, but thanks to: Jason English and Allison Keene at @ MentalFloss dot com; The Book of Awesome author Neil Pasricha @ 1000AwesomeThings dot com; Stephen Handley @ GorillaMask.net; Michael McKean and Roger Ebert, whose tweets not only helped but whose work we've long enjoyed; The Ebert Club newsletter editor Marie Haws; Bill Chinaski @ AlternativeReel dot com; Angelina Anderson @ SnarkysMachine.wordpress dot com; Cary McNeal @ Listoftheday.blogspot dot com; Eric Rogell @ TheBachelorGuy dot com; Matt Gibbs @ TheSmokingJacket dot com; e-book guru Joe Konrath @ Jakonrath.blogspot dot com.

Also two smart salutes snapped off to two people who have helped us look good, and we're not referring to our haberdashers, Emily Carlin at Swank Web Style, Ian Shimkoviak of the Book Designers, who designed the cover for this book, Donna and Alex at Carrick Publishing who handled the e-book conversions and cartoonist Stephane Peray, who drew the shark featured in the banner of our website.

And on a personal note, thanks to all of those who inspired us with their own works and provided encouragement when procrastination was looking for a long-term lease: Chanyanuch Chaisorn, Suzan Krepostman, the Bryan family, Wayne Boivin, Jody Nolan, Stacy Gardner, Jen Moyer, Tim Footman, Stuart Maga, Lovisa Inserra, Brett Debritz, Jim Algie, Mike Sauve and Paul Ruffini. We also appreciate all those who have supported the website and the pair behind it over the years. We are ready and willing to wash your vehicles this very weekend.

Noel Boivin and Christopher Lombardo

Introduction

Lists bring order to chaos, keeping the hoi polloi from lowering the tone at exclusive nightclubs and ensuring that hit men with memory problems don't accidentally snip the wrong brake lines. They also give people who don't follow the news and aren't obsessed with the personal affairs of others things to talk about – top films featuring a fruit in the title (A Clockwork Orange for number one), or top celebrities with whom I would readily fornicate if they suddenly took an interest in poor, unknown people who make up fantasy lists in bars.

We love lists. We've been using them as our main format on our website TheSharkGuys dot com since day one. Well, not quite, but as soon as we realized they meant an online readership beyond friends, family and spambots, we were hooked. That they are custom made for writers who break into a flop sweat when asked to go beyond a few sentences following a bullet point is immaterial.

Tastes Like Human is a list book, but unlike some in the genre it's not crammed with trivia – we list neither the four fattest astronauts to be launched in a lunar probe nor the top 10 people who drowned trying to build a car that floats. The lists here reflect some of our main interests: sloth (Chapter I – Idolizing the Idle); weird animal stories (Chapter II – Man, Goat, Love: Gone Wild Kingdom); the zany happenings in the realms of religion and the occult – with a dash of death thrown in (Chapter III – The Super Unnatural); giving society's seamy underbelly a good rub (Chapter IV – There Oughtta Be a Law Against This Kind of Chapter), and, finally, telling others what to do (Chapter V – The Shark Guys' Guide to Living).

There are lists here on topics such as the world's horniest cult leaders; great feats accomplished while sitting; violent acts tied directly to karaoke; marriages between animals and humans; a study of how mass murderers measure up against the attributes most commonly associated with their astrological signs ... and at least one exploding whale. The Shark Guys take a bite at all of these and more in Tastes Like Human.

Noel and Chris

AKA, The Shark Guys

ONE

~

IDOLIZING THE IDLE

Top 8 Great Achievements in Sitting

Chances are you’re sitting right now. (We’d like to think not on the crapper, but if so, please disinfect the device before passing it on, as not doing so is how plagues start. If you're reading this at work, we want your job.)

While you kick back, think about how working conditions have improved in the age of the cushy office job compared with the heyday of the railroad dynamiter – hell, even sweatshop workers stitching up a chain store’s fall line get chairs these days. However, this isn’t all positive. Willing your body to amorphous goo with a sedentary lifestyle will shave years off your life and if you smoke while sitting down, the strain of jumping up in shock at just how unhealthy that is might kill you, so we won’t elaborate.

While sitting around all day has been responsible for the early delivery of many couch potatoes to the bone yard, some major accomplishments have been made while folks were seated. Some of the great declarations were signed and some of the great poker hands were dealt while people were sitting, and in the spiritual realm yogic fliers have proven that dragging yourself across a hardwood floor isn’t just for pets with worms. Sitting also brings moments of great clarity: enlightenment through meditation, a brilliant idea whilst on the commode or remembering that key bit of evidence guaranteed to exonerate you as your final call for clemency goes to the governor's voice mail. Here we’re focusing on eight feats involving sitting that, like missionary sex with a devout Christian, could not have occurred in any other position.

8. Children Should be Seated and Not Heard

We were horrified when we read that 722 school kids set a world record for the most people sitting on one chair. Don’t get us wrong, we thoroughly dislike children – they’re good mainly for beer fetching when the fridge is too far from the living room – but even we would balk at seeing 400 of the munchkins crushed in such a stunt (more, possibly, depending on where the heavier ones were situated). As it happens, they took turns sitting on the chair, so big deal really. (Community Free Press, [Missouri] September 2007)