The 5 Greatest Spankings of All Time

By Rob Wood

"The 5 Greatest Spankings of all Time" invites you to step into a fifty-five year old time capsule, to a simpler time when the misadventures of three young brothers growing up on a small ranch in the 1950's stretch their parent's patience and sanity to the breaking point. Taking place in the shadows of World War II, this tale not only unfolds the amusing and humorous events that led up to the "5 Greatest Spankings" but it conveys a flavorful and reminiscent glimpse of a time gone by, as the tastes and smells of the 50's come rushing back. Readers of any adult generation will be entertained by the boy's ability to effortlessly transform relatively innocent intentions into calamity and chaos. Laced throughout the chapters is an unmistakable underlying message addressing family dynamics and relationships that will surely summon to mind events of your own childhood. May laughter and joy be your companions as you journey through the adventures with these 1950's versions of Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn.

Rob Wood's THE FIVE GREATEST SPANKINGS OF ALL TIME is hilarious and heartwarming!
This funny and vivid memoir of three ornery boys giving their parents fits on "Rancho Roberto" in the 1950's is a colorful accounting of an era when life was far less complicated. I laughed out loud time after time following these misfits through the barn, the fishing pond, the stock-car track, the Saturday matinee and beyond. Rob's witty storytelling spins us a nostalgic Super 8 reel of an era long forgotten when fun and games for children didn't involve a microchip and Sunday dinner was sacred. The misadventures of these honyocks remind us that life is full of mischief and magic, and to never take a single moment for granted.
I'm certain you will enjoy these priceless escapades as much as I did. I look forward to Rob's next rodeo.
- Robert Knott, writer / producer of the feature film APPALOOSA

• Language: English
• Publisher: Rob Wood
• Release date: Jan 18, 2012
• ISBN: 9781465916617

Rob Wood

After completing college and a two year tour of duty in the Army, award winning author Rob Wood followed in the footsteps of his forefathers and spent several decades cowboying in Colorado, Wyoming and Montana. Pursuing a calling to dude ranching, producing rodeos and ranch real estate allowed him to fulfill many of his childhood dreams. Rob honed his storytelling skills around campfires of the Rocky Mountain west. Rob's first book of short stories, "The 5 Greatest Spankings of All Time" was published in 2012 to critical acclaim. The Texas Association of Authors awarded it First Place in the Short Story Fiction category of their 2012 Literary Awards. Rob's new book "Let's Scare Mom" unfolds around those original tales and continues to pack the tastes and smells of the 1950's into his humorous and very personal stories. Aside from writing, Rob enjoys spending time with his grandchildren, cooking indoors as well as over an open fire and riding a good horse along the Continental Divide. Rob, his wife Ellen and their dogs Babe and Casey currently live outside of Dallas, Texas.

Book preview

The 5 Greatest Spankings of All Time

by

Rob Wood

Published by Rob Wood at Smashwords

Electronic Adaptation by Assent Publishing

ISBN: 978-4659-1661-7

Copyright 2011 Rob Wood

Circle RW Publishing

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Acknowledgements

I would like to acknowledge and express my gratitude to the following people:

Robert LaChance for his editing expertise.

Jeremy Taylor for his valuable assistance with cover design. (jeremytaylor.eu)

Les Denton and her team who contributed far more than Electronic Adaptation. (AssentPublishing.com)

Finally, to my wife Ellen for her many hours of proofing/editing and most of all for her patience with me.

In Memory of

Robert W. and Betty J. Wood,

my parents,

a.k.a. Bullethead and Betty

Rob Wood's THE FIVE GREATEST SPANKINGS OF ALL TIME is hilarious and heartwarming!

This funny and vivid memoir of three ornery boys giving their parents fits on Rancho Roberto in the 1950's is a colorful accounting of an era when life was far less complicated. I laughed out loud time after time following these misfits through the barn, the fishing pond, the stock-car track, the Saturday matinee and beyond. Rob's witty storytelling spins us a nostalgic Super 8 reel of an era long forgotten when fun and games for children didn’t involve a microchip and Sunday dinner was sacred. The misadventures of these honyocks remind us that life is full of mischief and magic, and to never take a single moment for granted.

I'm certain you will enjoy these priceless escapades as much as I did. I look forward to Rob's next rodeo.

- Robert Knott, writer / producer of the feature film APPALOOSA

Table of Contents

Intro

Prelude

The Formative Years

Cowboys and Indians

The Poets Club

The Monstrosity

The High Fandango

Our Cousin Larry

Breakfast in the Sunroom

Epilogue

About the Author

Intro

The 5 Greatest Spankings of all Time invites you to step into a fifty-five year old time capsule, to a simpler time when the misadventures of three young brothers growing up on a small ranch in the 1950’s stretch their parent’s patience and sanity to the breaking point. Taking place in the shadows of World War II, this tale not only unfolds the amusing and humorous events that led up to the 5 Greatest Spankings but it conveys a flavorful and reminiscent glimpse of a time gone by, as the tastes and smells of the 50’s come rushing back. Readers of any adult generation will be entertained by the boy’s ability to effortlessly transform relatively innocent intentions into calamity and chaos. Laced throughout the chapters is an unmistakable underlying message addressing family dynamics and relationships that will surely summon to mind events of your own childhood. May laughter and joy be your companions as you journey through the adventures with these 1950’s versions of Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn.

Prelude

The timeworn vapors of my memory reflect America in the 1950’s as a different world than we live in today. As a child, family was the center of my universe. Every evening we gathered at the supper table with great anticipation of that night’s home cooked fare. No excuse for being late or absent was acceptable. After saying grace and while enjoying the meal, we engaged in lengthy and detailed conversations regarding the days events. Our father elaborated on the current activities at his business, and we knew the names of his customers by heart. Our mother kept us abreast of her teaching endeavors, and both our parents knew what kind of trouble their three sons had been up to that day. Keeping secrets was extremely difficult. Looking back, I now understand that we truly appreciated each other… regardless of our imperfections. Perhaps it was youthful naiveté or was that feeling of unsullied virtue and profound safety a reality?

At the age of five, nearly every day, I traveled to and from my kindergarten class unaccompanied by an adult. Every morning before I departed for school, my mother tendered me a nickel to provide for my daily stop at Kinder’s Rexall on the return trip, for a fountain cherry Coke. I knew all the folks who worked there, and they greeted me by name as I walked in. There simply wasn’t much need for the Amber Alert System back then. There had been rare cases of children being kidnapped for ransom, but that only happened to the very wealthy like the Lindberg’s and the Greenlease’s. No one in possession of their faculties would have tried to put the shake on an average American family. My parents and for that matter I, had no apprehensions about the daily unattended trek. Children happily played outdoors most of the time, once again without supervision but out of harms way. Today, Child Protective Services would likely incarcerate parents who allowed such conduct.

Polio was the medical scourge of the day. Thousands of Americans died from the disease each year and tens of thousands were left with permanent impairments. In 1955, Jonas Salk introduced a successful vaccine and mass inoculations were undertaken in an effort to control and prevent the spread of the disease. While I was not particularly fond of getting shots, the ever present newspaper photographs of children wearing leg braces and people with nothing but their heads protruding from an iron lung provided more than

Reviews for The 5 Greatest Spankings of All Time

[Cassandra Gunther · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

I laughed out loud the entire time I read this.

[esta1923 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

"The 5 Greatest Spankings of All Time" by Rob WoodWhen asked about favorite childhood memories I suspect few, if any of us, mention punishment. If Wood's memoir is to be believed he and his brothers are most unusual.The spankings are described in detail: each was the result of an irresistible prank, and, although they had been administered in the 50's were still vividly recalled 30 years later by the brothers. Most interestingly they bear no resentment. Family rules were clear and each punishment followed an act that had trespassed the behavioral norm. This family memoir takes readers back in time and to a rural setting few of us have experienced. Author Rob Wood says it is "the first of a trilogy." We will look forward to its bookmates.

[sudimatleon · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

This is a small book with big impact. A look back in time to the 1950's through the eyes of a now grown man. As a child Rob grew up living on a 365 acre ranch with his mom and dad, Betty and Bullethead, and his 2 younger brothers, Randy and Rich. At that time it was not uncommon for children to get a 'lickin' when they had misbehaved. Kids then didn't have video games and didn't watch hours of television. They actually went outside and played, usually games that were made up on the spot or based on some concept like cowboys and Indians.Out on the ranch Rob, Randy and youngest brother Rich, were always up for a new experience. The trouble was that most of those experiences that they had lead to a group 'lickin' administered by their father. He believed in the group punishment idea, as did most parents in those days, and had the 3 rules, known as Bullethead's Rules, written down and posted throughout the house. This book tells the story of the 3 boys who had great ideas, very little fear (Randy wanted to be a daredevil when he grew up) and what happens when the great ideas the boys come up with and then implement take a slightly or sometimes greatly wrong turn.Now for some people they'll say that 'Oh, that's horrible, spanking the children!' and say that they should have been removed from the home. But that was not the way it was then. And I know that for myself (I was born slightly later, in the 60's) I never considered it child abuse, it was what happened when you got caught doing something that although was fun, was definitely wrong. This book has brought back some great memories of my own childhood. My 2 older brothers (they were both born in the 50's, several years before my sister and I) took it as their sacred duty to teach my sister and I some fine things like "How to blow up mom's cabbage plants with a nail and a ladyfinger firecracker (or for a better slaw, 2 ladyfingers). Yes we got punished, each of us got a lickin, and we all had to go out and scrub the neighbor's garage because the smell of rotting cabbage was pretty rank. But boy we sure had fun! I loved how Rob Wood has taken his childhood memories and shared them with us. The story is told very clearly and with a lot of humor. He brings you right back there with he and his brothers, once with his cousin Larry, his parents and his grandparents. A humorous, well written quick read that is well worth the time to read.I received my copy from the author and my review was unsolicited

[rwood661 · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Rob Wood's, THE FIVE GREATEST SPANKINGS OF ALL TIME is hilarious and heartwarming! This funny and vivid memoir of three ornery boys giving their parents fits on "Rancho Roberto" in the 1950's is a colorful accounting of an era when life was far less complicated. I laughed out loud time after time, following these misfits through the barn, the fishing pond, the stock-car track, the Saturday matinee and beyond. Rob's witty storytelling spins us a nostalgic Super 8 reel of an era long forgotten when fun and games for children didn’t involve a microchip and Sunday dinner was sacred. The misadventures of these honyocks remind us that life is full of mischief and magic, and to never take a single moment for granted. I'm certain you will enjoy these priceless escapades as much as I did. I look forward to Rob's next rodeo.- Robert Knott, writer / producer of the feature film APPALOOSA