Inside My Shorts: 30 Quickies

By Adam Sifre

It was a dark and stormy night. Earlier, it was partly cloudy, but this isn't a story about the weather, or anything else as interesting. In fact, it's not a story at all. It's a bunch of stories. A bunch of short stories.

You would think that, based on this pitch, my shorts wold be comedies -- or bad comedies. Think again. My stories tackle the entire human condition. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you may even buy.

I am Splinker. Read me roar.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Adam Sifre
• Release date: Dec 14, 2011
• ISBN: 9781465909619

Adam Sifre

I'm not surprised you're here. What could be more interesting than reading about me? Besides reading "I've Been Deader," I mean. I'm a Leo. When I'm not avoiding process servers, I write. Horror, comedy, romance, sci-fi. I do it all. And all my stories have a smart dog and small child in them, so you know they'll be best sellers. Sometimes I go the movies alone, order two small popcorns and talk out loud to myself about what I think is going to happen next on the screen. I'm currently single, but she's due back any moment, so please keep the erotic chat on the down low. I can be contacted at: [e-mail]

Book preview

INSIDE MY SHORTS: 30 QUICKIES

Adam Sifre

Copyright 2011 by Adam Sifre

Smashwords Edition

TABLE OF CONTENTS

INTRODUCTION

CHAPTER 1: BEACONS

CHAPTER 2: BREAKING UP

CHAPTER 3: STUFF

CHAPTER 4: EMPTY

CHAPTER 5: FISHING

CHAPTER 6: FREE FALLING

CHAPTER 7: GUNGA

CHAPTER 8: HOTEL PEOPLE

CHAPTER 9: I’LL BE HOME FOR CHRISTMAS

CHAPTER 10: TOP TEN LIST

CHAPTER 11: SOFTLY SHE STEPS

CHAPTER 12: HOUSE CALLS

CHAPTER 13: JAMES & JAMES

CHAPTER 14: LITTLE DRUMMER BOY

CHAPTER 15: NEWS

CHAPTER 16: PROM

CHAPTER 17: ONE POTATO

CHAPTER 18: ROMANCE

CHAPTER 19: THE REVOLUTIONARY

CHAPTER 20: YES DEAR

CHAPTER 21: ZOMBIES

CHAPTER 22: SPIDER

CHAPTER 23: TOUGH LOVE

CHAPTER 24: PLAYTIME

CHAPTER 25: COFFEE

CHAPTER 26: FLIES

CHAPTER 27: FOLLOWERS

CHAPTER 28: SAY WHAT YOU MEAN TO SAY

CHAPTER 29: MISOGYNIST

CHAPTER 30: YOU SAY RETAINER, I SAY RESTRAINER

CHAPTER 31: LEAK

INTRODUCTION

Is there anything more paranoid than an introduction? It’s as if the author doesn’t trust you enough to understand the story. Or worse, they think that their words are so important that everyone wants to read just a few more; one more pearl of wisdom for you to enjoy before you jump into the story. You paid good money (but, let’s be honest, not a whole lot) for a story, not to hear me pontificate in a self-serving introduction.

Despite all that, I thought you would be better off, perhaps even a better person, after reading my few explanatory words. You’re welcome.

Many of these stories have already been absorbed in my two novels, I’ve Been Deader, and Take A Breather: Second Comings. Both novels started off as pieces of flash fiction (stories of one thousand words or less). Things got more or less out of control in my shorts and, before I knew it, I was an author. It happens.

Okay, that’s about it. As you’ll see, there are a lot of dark tales here, a fair amount of humor and a lot of cursing. My intention is not to offend, but I’m not overly concerned about your frail sensibilities. My only concern, my only fear, is that you’ll read my shorts, and then forget them; that nothing will stick to you. I want you to take a bit of my stories with you after you turn off your Kindle, Nook, or whatever.

That’s it. Thanks for buying this. All comments, good and bad, are welcome. You can rant on your blog, Twitter, Facebook etc., or feel free to email me at [e-mail]

Okay, that’s really it. Enjoy!

Chapter 1

BEACONS

By nine-thirty that morning, Clare felt completely done in. Rain -- unyielding, unforgiving and unending -- fell in cold sheets, washing away what little color was left in her world. Even her morning coffee and scone were tasteless and dry.

She sat at her desk, her three-walled prison, patting her still damp hair with a paper towel, Clare worried over the thousand small stresses that seemed to have taken over her life. A mental game of jeopardy, with categories like RELATIONSHIPS, FINANCES, FAMILY kept surfacing and fading in her mind.

"This bill needs to be paid by Friday if you want to stay warm. Answer: What is gas? Correct!!

Days like today muted happiness and magnified the rest. The rain’s soft and constant splatter whispered in her ear, encouraging her to give up.

Her coffee, long gone cold, sat on her desk, ignored. Even the weak fluorescents jumped on the bandwagon, pulling at the frayed threads of her spirit. Not ready to deal with the numbers on her screen, she glanced out the office window and gave a soft gasp. For the past forever it had overlooked a white desert of snow, snow dunes, and snow banks.

Now, today of all days, she was presented with a new vista. Most of the snow had washed away. Muddy grass, resurrected from a summer a million years ago greeted her eyes.

And daffodils!

She leaned forward in her chair and drank in the sight. A clutch of four, sunny yellow daffodils, framed in a sea of muddy, dead grass.

She felt the warmth of them. A ghost memory of warm grass and sunlight tickled her nose. She sat for some time as unacknowledged tension melted away, sloughing off her shoulders and back, an invisible avalanche reacting to her thaw.

And then she smiled....

Joe from accounting stared at his monitor, another office zombie waiting for motivation.

Nothing.

Friday – cold and rainy. The last place he wanted to be was exactly where he was. Days like this always left him tired and feeling thin from the moment he woke up. Everything appeared muted, unreal. A slate gray sky hanging inches above the world, pressing down on everything.

He looked up from his work, his gaze wandering aimlessly across a dull room of secretary desks and bleached green carpet. His eyes touched upon Clare for a second, another colorless prop.

And then she smiled.

Heat flared inside him as he drank her in.

Breathtaking.

He’d heard the phrase used on many occasions and now he understood. She smiled and he couldn't breathe, stunned.

The most beautiful thing he'd ever seen; a blazing promise of joy and summer. Life.

He stared, hands shaking slightly on his keyboard. Not thinking, just being. Everything changed right then.

Impossible to tell whether the world or the man was transformed.

In the end, it didn't matter.

CHAPTER 2

BREAKING UP

We need to talk.

Those words are never easy to hear. But I'd just finished my third cup of coffee and a scone that must have been made out of Metamucil, and the line for the restroom at Starbucks had finally disappeared. All kinds of strange, but urgent things were going on down below and demanding my attention.

Jenny didn't care though. I think she mistook the pain in my eyes for emotional turmoil. The thing is, I really did -- do -- love her. She is kind, has a great smile and better legs. We were so good together. At least I thought we were. Every kiss we shared over the last three years excited me as much as that first one. Until two minutes ago, I'd swear she was the most important thing in my life.

Right then, however, the most important thing in my life was twenty feet away with a beautiful little green sign next to the doorknob that said 'vacant.'

Last weekend when you were in Texas, I did a lot of thinking.

I grimaced and somehow managed to keep my eyes from rolling completely to the back of my head. Under the table, I grabbed my dick, pinching off impending disaster. My head -- the other head -- bobbed up and down, keeping time with my silent mantra:

Not now, not now, not now...

Jenny seemed to take this as an indication of understanding. She reached over and laid a hand against my cheek. How I loved when she'd touch me like that; the small caresses that always brightened my day. Except today. Today it just made me want to scream. 'NOT NOW!"

It isn't that I don't love you, Adam. I do. I really do.

Oh God. Do do. I tried to squeeze the old sphincter shut, but that just made the bladder bolder.

I squeezed my eyes shut taking a few deep breaths.

Oh Adam. She leaned in and cupped my face in her beautiful hands. This isn't easy for me either. I just feel like we aren't good for each other right now."

Now. Not now. Now. Not now.

I don't think I even know I had whispered it and Jenny didn't seem to hear.

You have your writing and your new job. I'm always busy with school. We hardly see each other anymore. I'm not blaming you. You need to do what you need to do.

Do Do! Sweat broke out across my forehead and I stood, leaning on the table. I half-turned, getting ready to dash to the door, and leave the love of my life to finish our swan song alone. Then that little fucker -- the kid who kept bitching to his mom to buy him one of those chocolate biscuits -- ran past and straight into the bathroom.

Fuck.

My eyes ignored me and rolled back in my head. I squeezed them shut so tight that tears ran down my cheek.

Jenny -- my sweet Jenny who deserved so much more than I could give her -- got up and came around to hug me.

Oh Adam, I'm so sorry.

She hugged me. Hugged me like she knew it would be our last hug. The embrace of lovers who hold each other so fiercely because they know there will soon be