Portnoy's Son

By TJ Seitz

Short story about a group of people who lived together during the late 1980's-early 1990's and a character named Dirtbag

• Language: English
• Publisher: TJ Seitz
• Release date: Nov 22, 2011
• ISBN: 9781465719904

TJ Seitz

On the surface Mr. Seitz appears to be a quintessential middle aged male. TJ is married to his HS sweetheart and lives with his family in a suburban split level house located on the outskirts of Rochester, NY. Seitz has spend the majority of his professional career working as an information technology specialist in the fields of education, criminal justice/law enforcement and procurement. While working full time, TJ also attended college part time (and sometimes full time). To keep himself (relatively speaking) sane he majored and minored in non-technology subjects, earning a BA in English with a writing concentration from Saint John Fisher College and a MA in Social Policy from Empire State College. As an undergraduate student TJ attended writing classes taught by George Saunders and Judith Kitchen (though neither teacher would probably remember him). Distractions like kicking virtual wasp’s nests on BITNET Listservs (predecessors to social networking sites like Facebook), soliciting donations for a Panty Alter fund and hanging out with a heavily medicated professional drummer named Dirtbag interfered with TJ’s ability to write anything particularly noteworthy for either class. He also attended a workshop at the Omega Institute mentored by Marge Piercy and Ira Wood. In reality the stable full time jobs have been serving as functional fronts for TJ’s secret life as a writer. They provided him with money to pay his bills and experiential material to write about. The down side of working and going to college was that he did not have a lot of time to devote to writing and publishing. Adding a problematic first marriage, babies, a divorce, a few bouts with unemployment and colon cancer to the mix did not help much either. TJ is currently working on several writing projects/ideas and recently took a graduate writing class proctored by James Whorton. Mr. Seitz's essays and letters have been printed in both local and national publications. His poetry has been published both in the United States and England.

Book preview

Portnoy’s Son

T.J. Seitz

Copyright 2011 by T.J. Seitz

Smashwords Edition

The Phone Game

Click

Beep, boop, bop, eep, not, meep, roo

Ring Ring

Wah, wah

Hey Rhoada, blow me bitch, you cunt, fuck off! Whatch ya doin’? Eating dinner? Feed me! Didja just get home from work? Oh. How much money did you make to spend on me this weekend? Come on, tell me, pleeeeeese. I’ll lick your pussy. Are you going out tonight? Bed? What’s that? I slept once, kind of liked it too. Do you want me…Wait someone’s beeping me. Hold on…..

Blowjob! Jackie? I want to fuck you later tonight after I’m through jerking off. Got any food? Cigarettes? Baby oil? Great! I’m on my way! Can I call you back in a minute? I’m on the line with someone else. Who? it’s none of your business. I’ll get back to you babe…

I’m back Rhoada honey. Did you want me to come over tonight for dinner? I’ll eat leftovers. I’m not picky. Tell your mom to get off her fat ass and warm…Damn it! Someone’s ringing me again!!! (deep voice) I’ll be back.

What! Look Curt I told you I’d get back to you faggot. I’m on the phone. I definitely want o go to that party. If you leave without me I’ll kill you with a strap on dildo! Yes, I’m showered. Fuck you, asshole! I’m not lying (snicker, snicker). Gotta go, my Dad’s on the other line…long distance.

Rhoada? Look I’ll call you back later tonight. I got to go to the bathroom to take a shit. Wanna watch? It smells sooooo good! Honest! I think I’m gonna crash for a while. I didn’t sleep much last night. Ok, I love ya too. Bye, bye. Don’t finger fuck yourself tonight without me.

Click

Bink, bink, loo, ree, tee, uhn, rah, rah

Ahhhhhhhhh, I’m not an e-mail! I’m just a common Dirtbag! Ah ya is this Lusty Jizz in my Mouth Porn Shop Bar and Grill? I want to schedule a dick rub for tonight at eight. What? Did you say this is the St. Densiophia Catholic Nunnery? Ooops, well that OK. I like virgins. Can I still have a dick rub? I’ll bring my own olive oil. Extra ‘virgin’ olive oil. Great! Lisa do ya know what a hot body you have? No, I’m serious. I could cum all over it and still not get enough. Will you marry me? Come on! Why? Just forget that I’m a bull blooded lesbian bull dyke cuz my mother fucked my brother! Well that’s OK bitch, I only want you for your body anyways. Will you let me take some pictures of you in some sexy lingerie? I want something to jerk off to. I don’t care if you’re only sixteen. It makes the photos that much better. You can’t leave me like this!!! Where are you going? Oh, there, yuck! Fuck that joint. I’ve been thrown out the door of that place more than once drunk off my ass. Why? Well, you see this empty glass did not agree to well with the head of this cunt bartender who accused me, correctly, of steeling tips off the bar. I did it because I needed to get money to pay for the drinks I was buying everyone somewhere….that was just one incident. Do I need to continue? I thought so. Well, call me later, maybe we can have dinner next week.

Click

Boo, boo, boop, nic, nic, fee, jee

Wah, wah, wah wah

Is Patty there? Hi Patty how are you today. Ah, I’m OK. I guess. Haven’t eaten anything today. I have not slept for three days either. I can’t afford food till I get that check on Monday. I’m missing Mary a lot lately. I don’t know why. How is she? That’s great. I don’t know. My life sucks so much now. I’m fucking starving to death and I want to sleep, but that asshole next door keeps his TV up so loud at night. It drives me crazy and he ignores all my complaints. Oh, God would you do that for me! You’re great, thanks! Please leave it on the front porch. I’ll get it up after I get up from a nap. I’m gonna crash now for a while. Thanks Patty. I love you. You’re the greatest. Oh wait….are you picking me up at nine on Sunday for church? Ok, thanks again. Someone’s calling me on the other line. God bless you too.

"Yah Jacky! I knew it was you because who else calls me more than three times in an hour? Are you fixin’ dinner for me yet? Shove a weenie up you twat. Warm