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    One Third Off
    One Third Off
    One Third Off
    Ebook104 pages1 hour

    One Third Off

    By Irvin S. (Irvin Shrewsbury) Cobb and Tony Sarg

    ()

    Read preview
    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherArchive Classics
    Release dateNov 27, 2013
    One Third Off

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      Book preview

      One Third Off - Irvin S. (Irvin Shrewsbury) Cobb

      The Project Gutenberg EBook of One Third Off, by Irvin S. Cobb

      This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with

      almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or

      re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included

      with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.net

      Title: One Third Off

      Author: Irvin S. Cobb

      Illustrator: Tony Sarg

      Release Date: July 4, 2005 [EBook #16197]

      Language: English

      *** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ONE THIRD OFF ***

      Produced by Bryan Ness, Melissa Er-Raqabi and the Online

      Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net.

      One Third Off

      By Irvin S. Cobb

      Fiction

      FROM PLACE TO PLACE

      THOSE TIMES AND THESE

      LOCAL COLOR

      OLD JUDGE PRIEST

      BACK HOME

      THE ESCAPE OF MR. TRIMM

      Wit and Humor

      ONE THIRD OFF

      A PLEA FOR OLD CAP COLLIER

      THE ABANDONED FARMERS

      THE LIFE OF THE PARTY

      EATING IN TWO OR THREE LANGUAGES

      OH WELL, YOU KNOW HOW WOMEN ARE!

      FIBBLE D.D.

      SPEAKING OF OPERATIONS—

      EUROPE REVISED

      ROUGHING IT DE LUXE

      COBB'S BILL OF FARE

      COBB'S ANATOMY

      Miscellany

      THE THUNDERS OF SILENCE

      THE GLORY OF THE COMING

      PATHS OF GLORY

      SPEAKING OF PRUSSIANS—

      New York

      George H. Doran Company

      i weighed myself and in the box score credited myself with a profound shock.

      One Third Off

      By

      Irvin S. Cobb

      Author of

      Old Judge Priest, "Speaking

      of Operations—" Etc.

      Illustrated by Tony Sarg

      New York

      George H. Doran Company

      Copyright, 1921,

      By George H. Doran Company

      Copyright, 1921,

      By The Curtis Publishing Company

      Printed in the United States of America

      One Third Off

      to

      HARRY M. STEVENS, Esquire

      who in times gone by helped me

      put that one third on

      CONTENTS

      ILLUSTRATIONS

      chapter i

      Extra! Extra! All About The Great Reduction!

      The way I look at this thing is this way: If something happens to you and by writing about it you can make a bit of money and at the same time be a benefactor to the race, then why not? Does not the philanthropic aspect of the proposition more than balance off the mercenary side? I hold that it does, or at least that it should, in the estimation of all fair-minded persons. It is to this class that I particularly address myself. Unfair-minded persons are advised to take warning and stop right here with the contemporary paragraph. That which follows in this little volume is not for them.

      An even stronger motive impels me. In hereinafter setting forth at length and in detail the steps taken by me in making myself thin, or, let us say, thinner, I am patterning after the tasteful and benevolent examples of some of the most illustrious ex-fat men of letters in our country. Take Samuel G. Blythe now. Mr. Blythe is the present international bant-weight champion. There was a time, though, when he was what the world is pleased to call over-sized. In writing on several occasions, and always entertainingly and helpfully, upon the subject of the methods employed by him to reduce himself to his current proportions I hold that he had the right idea about it.

      Getting fat is a fault; except when caused by the disease known as obesity, it is a bad habit. Getting thin and at the same time retaining one's health is a virtue. Never does the reductionist feel quite so virtuous as when for the first time, perhaps in decades, he can stand straight up and look straight down and behold the tips of his toes. His virtue is all the more pleasant to him because it recalls a reformation on his part and because it has called for self-denial. I started to say that it had called for mortification of the flesh, but I shan't. Despite the contrary opinions of the early fathers of the church, I hold that the mortification of the flesh is really based upon the flesh itself, where there is too much of it for beauty and grace, not merely upon the process employed in getting rid of it.

      Ask any fat man—or better still, any formerly fat man—if I am not correct. But do not ask a fat woman unless, as in the case of possible fire at a theater, you already have looked about you and chosen the nearest exit. Taken as a sex, women are more likely to be touchy upon this detail where it applies to themselves than men are.

      I have a notion that probably the late Lucrezia Borgia did not start feeding her house guests on those deep-dish poison pies with which her name historically is associated until after she grew sensitive about the way folks dropping in at the Borgia home for a visit were sizing up her proportions on the bias, so to speak. And I attribute the development of the less pleasant side of Cleopatra's disposition—keeping asps around the house and stabbing the bearers of unpleasant tidings with daggers and feeding people to the crocodiles and all that sort of thing—to the period when she found her anklets binding uncomfortably and along toward half past ten o'clock of an evening was seized by a well-nigh uncontrollable longing to excuse herself from the company and run upstairs and take off her jeweled stomacher and things and slip into something loose.

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