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Ever Heard This? Over Three Hundred Good Stories - F. W. Chambers
EVER HEARD THIS?
This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at http://www.gutenberg.org/license.
Title: Ever Heard This?
Over Three Hundred Good Stories
Author: F. W. Chambers
Release Date: March 19, 2012 [EBook #39202]
Language: English
Character set encoding: UTF-8
*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK EVER HEARD THIS? ***
Produced by Al Haines.
[image]
Cover art
EVER HEARD THIS?
OVER THREE HUNDRED GOOD STORIES
BY
F. W. CHAMBERS
THIRD EDITION
METHUEN & CO. LTD.
36 ESSEX STREET W.C.
LONDON
First Published ...... October 27th 1916
Second Edition ...... November 1916
Third Edition ...... December 1916
————
CONTENTS
WHAT HE WANTED
HIS CHOICE
NOT IN THE REGULATIONS
CHEAP TALK
SWEET ARE THE USES OF ADVERTISEMENT
A CANDID CRITIC
WHAT'S IN A NAME
WHY BROWN LEFT
AN ASS'S SHADOW
GRACE
MISUNDERSTOOD
TRUMPS
THE STUTTERER
PRESENT AND FUTURE
THE VOICE OF IGNORANCE
A PASSOVER STORY
EXTRAORDINARY COMPROMISE
BARBER SHAVED BY A LAWYER
A GOOD PUN
SOMETHING LIKE AN INSULT
THE UNWELCOME GUEST
A LOST BALANCE
A BAD CROP
NEGATIVES AND POSITIVES
JAW-ACHE
HER PROGRAMME
THE PROUD FATHER
A MIRACLE
KEEPING TIME
QUESTION AND ANSWER
MOTHER'S JAM POTS
WISDOM
WHY NOT?
THE OLD FARMER
ANY CHANGE FOR THE BETTER
TACT
THE RETORT RUDE
THE QUAKER AND HIS HORSE
CERTAINLY NOT ASLEEP
THE BEST JUDGE
A THIRST FOR KNOWLEDGE
A SHIPWRECK
A SAFE CASE
THE WATCH MENDER
THE CITY CHURCHES--AND OTHERS
HIGH PRINCIPLES
THE MIXTURE AS BEFORE
CANNY SCOT
A NICE DISTINCTION
NOT TWO-FACED
CLERICAL WIT
A COSTLY EXPERIMENT
A GOOD REASON
ECONOMY IN THE STABLE
THE PATRIARCH
HIGH AND LOW
BEER
NOT IMPORTUNATE
THE RELATIONSHIP OF HOG TO BACON
UNION IS STRENGTH
COURTSHIP
TO LET
CUT AND COME AGAIN
THE THOUGHTFUL PATIENT
KISMET
THE YOUNG IDEA
THE NEW BABY
HOOK AND AN INSPECTOR OF TAXES
THE SHE BEAR
KNOWLEDGE
A STORY FOR BOOKSELLERS
THE EARLY BIRD
TABLE TALK
TROUBLES
A SOUTHERNER AND SCOTLAND
DRY HUMOUR
THE CHURCH ORGAN
COMMON PRAYER
SHORT COMMONS
TRUTH
A WRONG CHOICE
FISH AS A BRAIN FOOD
A CHARACTER
HUSBAND OR COW
A NEW METHOD
GRATITUDE NOT APPRECIATED
ON THE TREASURES OF THIS WORLD
COLD FEET
BUSYBODIES
ALDERMANIC TASTES
WARRANTED TO KILL
PROFESSIONAL
THE NEW VERSION
DRAUGHTS
TENDERNESS
HOW TO ADDRESS A BISHOP
HOOK AND PUTNEY BRIDGE
A GOOD EXAMPLE
A MISFIT
A CHEERFUL INVITATION
THE INEVITABLE RESULT
JUSTICE
THAT AWFUL CHILD
A COSMOPOLITAN
CLOTHES AND THE MAN
A WITTY REPLY
THE SOUND OF A TRUMPET
GRAMMAR
ONE SIDE AT A TIME
COMPANY
HER OWN FAULT
A POSER
YOUTHFUL PRECOCITY
ABOVE PROOF
ON DEATH
ENVY
A HAT FOR NOTHING
AN OLD PROVERB
PRO BONO PUBLICO
A NEW RECIPE
NOT A WAXWORK
THEY NEVER SAY THANK YOU
TIPS
JUSTICE
DEAD AS A DOORNAIL
FAITH
JOB'S CURSE
A CONJUGAL CONCLUSION
THE RULING PASSION
FELO-DE-SE
HOW TO GET WARM
NO MATTER WHAT COLOUR
OF COMPOSITIONS
PETER'S WIFE'S MOTHER
THE TRIALS OF THE DEAF
ANTICIPATION
HYMNS AND HERS
HORS CONCOURS
THE MARINE AND THE BOTTLE
A UNITED COUPLE
WET PAINT
TICK, TICK, TICK
DIFFIDENCE
THE BAILIFF OUTWITTED
IMAGINATION
UNREMITTING KINDNESS
A WARM PROSPECT
A SOPORIFIC STORY
ST. PETER AND HIS KEYS
THE LOST JOINT
THE RECRUITING SERGEANT AND THE COUNTRYMAN
ALL MEN ARE LIARS
AN OBJECT LESSON
A DOUBTFUL COMPLIMENT
SOMEWHERE
THE SCOTSMAN AND THE JOKE
WAR AND TAXES
A MODERN ALFRED
CHARITY ON CREDIT
COURTING BY LAMPLIGHT
THE INQUISITIVE ONLOOKER
THE EMPTY BOTTLE
H2O
AN ACCIDENT
TOUCH HIM UP
A SMART BOY
WEARING ROUGE
THE POOR LANDLORD
THE DAY OF REST
NOT TO BE CAUGHT
MOLECULES
A THOUGHTLESS SAMARITAN
TWINS
A NATURAL OBJECTION
BADLY PUT
A DOUBTFUL MARKET
SEQUENCES
TWO POINTS OF VIEW
A CANNIBAL
TO LET--UNFURNISHED
A FRIEND OF SATAN
THE TEDDY BEAR
BROTHERLY LOVE
CHRISTIAN PRINCIPLES
MULTIPLICATION
A BIBLICAL STORY
THE THOUGHTFUL MAID
HEMP
GOOD ADVICE
CHANGE AND REST
THE VOLUNTARY SYSTEM
THE WAY TO YORK
THE WAY TO DO IT
LOT AND THE FLEA
WHIST
A NEW PRESCRIPTION
JACOB'S LADDER
A PORTRAIT
BLOATERS
A CONVENIENCE
THE PRAYER MEETING
TAKING TIME
KING'S EVIDENCE
A PLEASANT PROSPECT
BALAAM'S SWORD
THE HONORARIUM
MANNERS
SCOTCH UNDERSTANDING
THE AVERAGE EGG
FEELING IN THE RIGHT PLACE
THE G.O.M.
A NEAT RETORT
A SYDNEY SMITH STORY
A COMMON DIFFICULTY
MARY JONES
DONALD COMPLIED
VEGETARIANISM
FELLOW-FEELING
JONAH AND THE WHALE
WHOLLY GOOD
CAREFUL, NOW!
SAFETY
O'BRIEN THE LUCID
MERCY
A BULL
A GOOD REASON
THE ARREST
CHERUBIM AND SERAPHIM
SOLITUDE
A QUESTION OF NUMBERS
AMERICAN POULTRY
GRACE MAL A PROPOS
THE POOR IDIOT
A WELSH WIG-GING
FORGIVENESS
AN ODD COMPARISON
ACOUSTICS
SHARP, IF NOT PLEASANT
BRIGHT AND SHARP
SOFTNESS
AN EASY QUALIFICATION
MISER'S CHARITY
ON TAKING A WIFE
THE THIRTY-NINE ARTICLES
THE DUCHESS AND THE CANONS
HOW TO WIN
PIGS
BACON AND THE DEVIL
HINTS TO MOTHERS
GARRICK AND THE DOCTOR'S FEE
A SAFE SHOT
HOW TO INDUCE PERSPIRATION
DIFFERENCES
COALS
MODESTY
AN UNFORTUNATE REMARK
MODERN EDUCATION
THE RULING PASSION
EDUCATION
A LONG GRACE
THE USE OF FALSE TEETH
HOW TO COLLECT
IMPERSONATION
A SMART RETORT
TRUTH WILL OUT
SUNDAY AFTERNOON SERVICES
A NEW DISH
FULL OF PLUCK
CANDID ON BOTH SIDES
THE LAW AND THE PROPHETS
THE ISLE OF MAN, AND A WOMAN
A CUNNING ELDER
AS YOU LIKE IT
UNNECESSARY CIVILITY
AT THE SIGN OF THE BARBER'S POLE
AN IDENTIFICATION PLATE
TABLE OF COMPARISON
THE INTELLIGENT CAT
HEAR! HEAR!
MISPLACING THE BLAME
WHY HANGING CAUSES DEATH
MORAL QUALIFICATIONS
MEASURING HIS DISTANCE
AGRICULTURAL EXPERIENCES
THE LATIN FOR COLD
THE CUT DIRECT
COMMON WANT
NOT TO BE BEATEN
AN ODD NOTION
IF----
LATE AND EARLY
A SLIGHT DIFFERENCE
SHARP BOY
THE SENTRY AND HIS WATCH
CREDIT
UNKIND
NOT COMPULSORY
YOU'LL GET THERE BEFORE I CAN TELL YOU!
AN UNHAPPY BENEDICT
A DIFFICULT TASK
NON-RUNNERS
THE POLITE COUNTRYMAN
A VIOLENT PARTNER
WISDOM
A DOUBTFUL POINT
THE BETTER WAY
A GOOD REASON
A NEW TEXT
AN AUCTION
A REAL SPORT
THE SCOTCHMAN'S SOUVENIR
————
EVER HEARD THIS?
WHAT HE WANTED
A lover and his lass sought a secluded lane, but to their disgust a small boy arrived there too. Said the lover:
Here's a penny. Go and get some sweets.
I don't want any sweets.
Well, here's a shilling. Run away.
I don't want a shilling.
Then here's half a crown.
I don't want half a crown.
Well, what do you want?
I want to watch.
HIS CHOICE
A little boy, who had had some insight into the disposal of surplus kittens, on being shown his mother's newly arrived twins, laid his finger on that which struck his fancy, and said, That's the one I'll have kept.
NOT IN THE REGULATIONS
A raw Highlander from a northern depot was put on guard at the C.O.'s tent. In the morning the Colonel looked out, and though he prided himself on knowing all his men the sentry's face was unfamiliar.
Who are you?
he asked.
A'am fine, thank ye,
was the reply, an' hoo's yerself?
CHEAP TALK
Jones was proud of his virtues. Gentlemen, for twenty years I haven't touched whisky, cards, told a lie, done an unkind deed, or smoked, or sworn,
he said.
By Jove! I wish I could say that,
Brown exclaimed enviously.
Well, why don't you?
said
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