The Asshole Survival Guide: How to Deal with People Who Treat You Like Dirt

Written by Robert I. Sutton

Narrated by Robert I. Sutton

The New York Times bestselling author of The No Asshole Rule reads his guide on how to preserve civility, sanity, and success when facing a business world full of difficult people.

Since The No Asshole Rule became a national bestseller a decade ago, Robert Sutton has been asked, in a thousand different ways, the best way to deal with an asshole. This new guide presents Sutton’s signature prescriptive advice for everyone who is feeling oppressed, demeaned, or disrespected by people who treat them badly.

Drawing on a trove of real-life stories from people dealing with implacable jerks in every kind of setting, Sutton delivers a highly effective, methodical game plan, starting with a diagnosis: Exactly what kind of asshole are you dealing with? From there, Sutton provides thoughtful, field-tested strategies aimed at specific asshole-deflecting goals—avoiding them, outwitting them, disarming them, and countering their negative influence. He even teaches you how to look inward to stifle your own jackass.

Equally useful and entertaining, The Asshole Survival Guide helps you develop a robust new outlook that can preserve the sanity of your workplace and personal life, and stop all those perfectly good days from being ruined by some jerk.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Simon & Schuster Audio
• Release date: Sep 12, 2017
• ISBN: 9781508239048

Robert I. Sutton

ROBERT SUTTON is a Stanford University professor and author of six management books, including the New York Times bestsellers The No Asshole Rule and Good Boss, Bad Boss. He is an IDEO Fellow and cofounder of the Stanford Technology Ventures Program and the Stanford Design Institute (known as the d.school). He lives in Menlo Park, California.  

Reviews for The Asshole Survival Guide

[Shelley Hacker · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

To the point. Real life examples. Loved the direction of the book.

[Tracey Erskine · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Loved it! I believe both The No Asshole Rule and Survival Guide should be mandatory read for ALL supervisors, managers and employees. We all can be Assholes and the advice and guidance in these books are needed to help keep us in check. Thank you!!

[booktsunami · Rating: 2 out of 5 stars]

This review is based on the Blinkist summary version of the book. I’ve not read the full book and, based on this summary, I will not be going to get the full book. The coverage seems to me to be rather banal and obvious. Though I must say that I was taken aback by the example of a coworker who, after flashing a warm smile, leans in and whispers, “I’m going to take you down.” Wow. I’d have to agree this person sounds like a proper asshole (AH). But, he does make the point that some AH’s are not even aware that they are AH’s and are shocked to find that they are behaving that way. Here are a few extracts from the book that made an impression on me.
To determine if you are the victim of AH behaviour, the first question you can ask yourself is this: Do encounters leave you feeling oppressed or demeaned?..The next question to ask is whether this person is a temporary or a continual asshole...There are excuses for your boss being a temporary asshole, but there’s no excuse for being a permanent one.
Some people get so used to assholes that they don’t even realize how poorly they’re being treated. They suffer from asshole blindness.......This is dangerous since it can lead to gross misconduct being seen as acceptable. Scientists also attribute this acceptance to the sunk cost fallacy. This is when you’ve put so much time, effort or money into an endeavour that you convince yourself it’s worth continuing even when it’s clearly doomed.
In terms of dealing with the AH, t may be possible to keep your job and simply relocate within the organization.
Assholish behavior can be similar to a contagious disease; too much exposure and you might “catch” it. There is plenty of scientific evidence showing that we tend to take on the negative thoughts, behaviours and emotions of others.
The key is to keep a safe distance. Move to a new desk, floor or building, if you can.
In the 1970s, MIT professor Tom Allen found that coworkers who sat in close proximity to each other spent more time talking and corresponding across all mediums of communication. And since we have far more means of communicating now, with texts, social media and e-mail, this presents an even greater danger today.
Reframing is a psychological technique used in cognitive behavioural therapy, and it allows patients to recontextualize their problems in a positive light and, in a way, turn lemons into lemonade. Or, in this case, assholes into allies, since Becky reframed the hazing [she was receiving] as being imaginative and funny, and not threatening in the least.
When confronted with an intelligence test students were resentful. But when the test wasn’t framed as a measurement of intelligence, but rather an interesting and challenging questionnaire, students didn’t focus on this stereotype, and results improved.......There might be a perfectly plausible reason for their actions. For example, perhaps something stressful is going on in their personal life that you’re unaware of. This form of reframing is called reappraisal, and there’s science to back up its effectiveness as well. In a Stanford University study, students had their reactions analyzed after being shown “upsetting” photographs of angry people. After the first batch of photographs, some students were then given reappraisal training, where they were told to consider that maybe the angry people in the pictures had just had a bad day and that the real source of their anger was someone else. These students were significantly less upset by the subsequent photos than those who weren’t given the chance to reappraise. So put reappraisal to use
Starting a war with an asshole is a risky business fraught with pitfall. In any sort of confrontation, first of all, prepare documentation of the person’s past behaviour. Rock-solid evidence of asshole behaviour will prevent you from entering a he-said-she-said situation.
A calm and rational confrontation, which involves taking the asshole aside in a civilized manner and gently voicing your concerns. Is one way of dealing with the situation. This works best with both temporary and clueless assholes who don’t realize the negative effect their behaviour is having.
The other option is aggressive confrontation, which you can think of as fighting fire with fire and giving the asshole a taste of their own medicine...A 2015 study showed these types tend to back off when confronted by a similarly selfish and uncooperative person.
But you need to make sure you aren’t an unwitting asshole yourself. ....If you happen to be rich, self-awareness becomes even more important, because the power that wealth bestows is a risk factor for becoming an asshole.....A study at the University of California in Berkeley found that drivers with the most expensive cars would cut in front of fellow drivers 30 percent of the time and refuse to stop for pedestrians 50 percent of the time....In other words, wealthy drivers tended to behave like assholes.
The key message in this book: An asshole is a person whose behaviour consistently makes you feel demoralized. The best way to deal with them is by not allowing their behaviour to become normal. Remove yourself from environments filled with assholes, but if you’re stuck, there are ways to reduce their influence. Keep as much distance as you can from them and try to positively reframe their negative behaviour. Otherwise, collect evidence of their behaviour and confront them with their misdeeds. And don’t forget to hone your self-awareness to avoid becoming an asshole yourself!
My take on the book: Mediocre really. Not at all impressed. I think they should have included Some tried and tested ways of gently confronting AH’s in a non threatening way such as the formula: “When you do X I feel Y and I’m sure that this is not your intention....can we maybe find some way of dealing with this”. There is also the situation where the AH might be on the autistic spectrum and be totally unaware of their impact on others. This does not seem to be considered and nor are there any suggestions for managing such an individual.
The main way of dealing with AH’s that’s suggested by Robert Sutton seems to be “moving away from them”. And, this, to my way of thinking, is not really managing the situation very well. Two stars from me.

[hotblack43 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

Yes, full of good advice - note the warnings about possible backfires!

[samsattler · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

In "The Asshole Survival Guide" (his followup to "The No Asshole Rule"), Robert Sutton gives some cautionary advice to those suffering through daily contact with what everyone recognizes as an "asshole" or two. We've all been there, and we definitely know one when we see one (you know who you are J. Colglazier and J. Wilson), but how to deal with one successfully is a whole other thing.

Sutton's advice comes with the warning that not every survival tactic will work, and that some of them are likely to make things even worse than they were before they were used. Thankfully, he divides the tactics into two basic groups, the dangerously stupid ones, and the ones that have a pretty good chance of making things better, so it's up to you.