October 2019
I am sitting in my bathroom, knickers around my ankles, squinting hard at a pregnancy-test strip long after I should have accepted the result and got on with my day. A shadow of a positive pregnancy result like this has its own nickname in online chat rooms: a ‘squinter’. Sometimes I think I see a gleam of palest pink, only for the test to look paper-white the next second. After four miscarriages, the reason I so badly want to know if I am pregnant right now is because, if I am, I know it could be for the last time. I don’t know how much more of this my husband
