Starbucks, Dunkin' and more: Who has the best frozen coffee drink?

It's winter in the United States, and while that may mean something different in California than it does in, say, Maine, it's still cold. The Chicagoan in me hangs his head in shame as the 50-degree temperatures feel like a polar vortex to my now-tender skin.

And what better time, honestly, than when there's a chill in the weather to do a round-up of slushy, freezing-cold, blended coffee beverages? You may know them as Frappuccinos, Ice Blendeds, Frozen Coffees or one of a number of different monikers; I simply know them as an answer to the question: How can I turn my morning cup of coffee into dessert?

To reiterate, before my email inbox burns to the ground: This is not about coffee or iced coffee drinks. This is specifically about frozen coffee drinks, those with a texture like a Slurpee or granita.

This is by no means an exhaustive survey, but I tried 45 different kinds of these puppies and eight distinct brands, so I feel like I have a good lay of the land. That, and I've ingested so much sugar, I'm more hopped up than a craft brewery in San Diego.