DECEMBER. SNOW IS FALLING. EGGNOG IS FLOWING. AND YOU’RE HAVING A FESTIVE, OLD-FASHIONED FAMILY
holiday. At the center of it all, festooned in twinkling lights and glittering baubles, there is a glorious Christmas tree—one that never dries out, never drops needles, never doesn’t quite fit in the corner of the living room. ¶ This sublime experience could be yours, if knows). “How lovely are thy branches,” my ass. And then, when the big day is over, yet another unenviable chore awaits. How far into January do you wait before you summon the willpower to haul the desiccated carcass of your once fresh tree out to the curb? Seriously, is this the life you want? ¶ With an artificial tree, there’s no stress, no mess, and no yearly expense. A high-quality fake will run you a few hundred bucks and last you a decade or more. Unlike those combustible natural evergreens, you don’t have to worry about it catching fire—today’s artificial trees are made with fire-resistant materials, so they’re safer for strands of electric lights. You can get the exact size and style you want, too, rather than settle for whatever lumpy Charlie Brown misfits are left at the farm. ¶ If you’re worried that going artificial means you’ll lose out on some beloved Christmas traditions, don’t fret: You’ll make new ones. Dragging your kids to the frigid garage to help wrestle the tree out of its box builds character! Do you need to inhale the smell of pine to summon the Christmas spirit? Fine, get a scented candle. After all, we accept a lot of fake things in our daily lives—hair, tans, nails. Why should Christmas be any different? Bring on the flameless LED fireplace and faux flower arrangements. What you’ll lose in authenticity you’ll gain in free time and sanity. ¶ Let’s face it: Life under late-stage capitalism is a full-time job. Who’s got the energy to masquerade as Martha Stewart? You can spend Christmas working for your tree or let it work for you—your choice. Here’s our plan: Come December 1, we assemble our just-realistic-enough fake tree in fifteen minutes flat; trim it in one afternoon; then kick back to enjoy good food, good times, and good company for the rest of the month. That’s the real reason for the season.
