Dear Therapist: I Don’t Think I Can Accept My Boyfriend’s Past
Editor’s Note: On the last Monday of each month, Lori Gottlieb answers a reader’s question about a problem, big or small. Have a question? Email her at dear.therapist@theatlantic.com.
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Dear Therapist,
I have been dating a divorced man with two kids for four years. This year, on his son’s birthday, we went to drop him off at his mother’s house, and I was invited in to look at the presents he got from his mom and grandmother. My heart sank when I noticed that, on the wall down the hallway, there were pictures of my boyfriend and his ex-wife taken on their wedding day, as well as family and baby pictures. My boyfriend told me he’d hung up the pictures from a box his ex-wife gave him as he was helping her prepare her house for the kids to move in. He’d thought she would take out the photos and use the frames. I was angry, because I felt that helping his ex-wife hang pictures had nothing to do with the kids moving into the house. I feel betrayed and have since moved out, because we Over the years, I have been scolded for trying to be there for their kids. Their youngest daughter’s skin had bad acne and the mother didn’t do anything, so I took the girl with me to an appointment I already had. Her mom was angry, as she is the mother—and I understand, but what was I to do? Their daughter came to me crying, saying that she gets bullied at school and that her mother is too busy to make an appointment. The ex-wife then took her to another dermatologist even after I said that the daughter and mom could take the follow-up appointment. This is just one example. I am at the end of my rope, and I don’t know if I want to be with someone with an ex-wife and kids, especially if he has been reckless when it comes to doing favors for her and neglecting me. He even moved their old dining table into our house, and she helped him move it. It was like I didn’t exist. I feel like she feels I am inferior to her because she is the mother of his kids. I will never come first in his life. I love him a lot, but I hate him and her for letting me see their wedding pictures and family pictures. I was willing to accept the past until I saw the reality portraying it. I am mentally exhausted and not sure I can do this anymore. Is it time to move on?
