You know what they say: when life gives you ASS, you make mayonnaise with it. That’s exactly what Dr. Loriah Harp and the good folks at Natural Light Foods did. And they didn’t hide the ASS at the bottom of a label, either—their entire marketing campaign championed its use. Natural Light Mayonnaise: The Condiment with sASS!
Or, on some posters in gentrifying or otherwise chi-chi neighborhoods: The Condiment with clASS!
Commercials trumpeted the unmatched greatness of Natural Light Mayonnaise with loud colors and even louder shouts of “Zero percent fat! Zero percent calories! One hundred percent flavor!”
And…the public bought it, wholeheartedly. I’m sure you bought it, too. They bought into the marketing, they bought into the promises, and, most importantly, they bought the product. They smothered their turkey sandwiches with Natural Light Mayo, they drowned their potato salads, they scrambled it into their eggs, they even baked it into their cakes and cookies. Restaurants advertised it proudly on their menus: “We only use Natural Light Mayonnaise!”
Natural Light Mayo had the Midas touch: everything it smothered, covered, or stuffed turned into a health food in the eyes of the customers who bought it by the barrel. And Dr. Loriah Harp and Natural Light Foods made, in short, a ton of money over the next six months.
Loriah, an employee at Natural Light Foods, and the inventor of acetylsterolstearate (ASS), which made Natural Light Mayonnaise possible, was nothing if not antihypocritical. That is to say, she practiced what she preached. She drank the Natural Light Mayo Kool-Aid (not a real product yet but hey, it was only a matter of time) and made sure to keep her own fridge stocked. Then there was the true test of her loyalty: she fed Natural Light Mayo to her family. Liberally.
“Mom, what’s for dinner tonight?”
Loriah paused, realizing that she was about to lift a spoonful of Natural Light Mayo straight from the jar to her lips, completely missing the upturned slice of bread on the counter. She laughed, embarrassed, and spooned the mayo onto the bread. She turned to face Alex and smiled. “Tonight’s menu features turkey and cheese sandwiches and baked french fries with a side of the amazing, the delicious, the healthy…Natural Light Mayo!” Perhaps Loriah was a bit of a showman as well.
Alex grinned. “You know, even though we’ve had mayo at pretty much every meal, I’m still not tired of it.”
“Me neither, sweetie. It really is a miracle product.”
Clint walked into the kitchen and kissed Loriah on the cheek. “I hope we’re getting more of that delicious mayo tonight!” His new Gucci slippers squeaked on the wood floor. He checked his new Rolex and announced, “It’s nearly time for Family Game Night!”
“After a healthy dinner, of course!” Loriah said.
“Of course,” Clint answered, beaming.
