Midlife Monster Hunter Series

Meet Diana Delaney, a nondescript, middle aged, talentless housewife and school office administrator. Diana's got a new job: one she didn't apply for. Monster Hunter. Now she's got to save New Orleans, one beast at a time. Jim and I were high school sweethearts. Or, rather, I thought we were. The events of the last week have given me pause to reconsider. We dated in high school but had a birth-control fail, resulting in a shotgun wedding. Jim stuck by me, the woman he accidentally impregnated, for all of nineteen years. Then our daughter, our only child and in her last year at high school, decided she wanted to go north for college the following year. During the fall we went on a road trip to look at colleges because Jim was busy with work as a car salesman. This was to be our last big mother-daughter experience. I loved every bit of it, and so that I wouldn't worry too much about how Jim was faring in my absence, Lola promised to take good care of him while I was gone. Clearly, I didn't think this through. I was naive and saw the best in people which is why I saw no problem with leaving my best friend to take care of my best guy. After I returned home, I was filled with all kinds of enthusiasm for this new phase of my life. I'd spent nearly two decades being a housewife and part-time school office administrator. I wanted more for the next twenty years of my life. Since I'd had no luck convincing Jim to have more children, I was going to convince him to fund my new business: event planning. That's the one thing I'd ever been good at. I threw the best birthday parties. I organized the best bridal showers. And when I saw Lola's bulging belly under her ugly Christmas sweater, I begged her to let me throw her the best baby shower ever. I felt sorry for her. Her husband had recently left her. She was about to shoulder the burden of single motherhood on her own while pushing forty. I planned the shower for the weekend before Valentine's Day. I had already arranged a romantic weekend getaway with Jim, our first time away alone...ever. Nothing was going to ruin it. Except I arrived early to decorate and overheard Lola on the phone. And that's how I found out that Jim was her baby's daddy. I forced myself to make it through the shower. Then I confronted Jim. He didn't deny it. In fact, he felt compelled to stand by her side as he had for me. He wanted a divorce. I knew enough about divorces to know that if I wanted to keep the house, I couldn't leave it, but by Valentine's Day weekend when we were supposed to go away together, I needed a break from our house, which was wholly haunted with the ghosts of memories past. So, I took a chance and left on my first solo adventure. I was proud of myself for following through as I settled in at the most perfect lakeside retreat. Then, that night, the screaming started. And after I called the property manager, it was clear I was the only one who heard it. "Loud wailing. Like a banshee!" I said by way of explanation. "Haven't had one of those in some time," the old crone replied. "Those demons foretell a death in the family for the one who hears it. They feed off pain and extinguish that life unless a monster hunter kills it first." Well, that explained it. I was now poised to die. I had to accept it or fight it. Luckily, I found something worth fighting for: my daughter. She might be a senior in high school, but she needed me. So, I plugged my ears and did some research. I was going to get busy healing because there was no way I was ready to die. I wasn't ready to be a monster hunter either, but a middle-aged mom has to do what she has to do.

Meet Diana Delaney, a nondescript, middle aged, talentless housewife and school office administrator. Diana's got a new job: one she didn't apply for.   Monster Hunter. Now she's got to save New Orleans, one beast at a time.   With knowledge came power. And problems. No one mentions that part. Oh, maybe it was glossed over in the whole blissful ignorance bit. The truth is, I rather missed not knowing. I missed not seeing strange creatures all too often, even in suburbia. I missed the sleep of those not troubled with the secrets of what truly went bump in the night.   Ever since I discovered banshees were more than an expression and witchcraft wasn't tied to a satanic cult, I'd changed. Some of it was good. Kenna was looking at me differently after my return. She decided that crying it out had worked wonders for me. I wondered what made her think I'd spent my vacation crying. And she explained that I had that look of one who had a most cathartic experience.   She wasn't wrong. I'd decided to live. I'd worked on healing. And killing that banshee had been a special kind of therapy. Unfortunately, the crone (Attie) predicted that wouldn't be my last monster. No, she'd warned that my life would never quite be the same again.   I seriously hoped she was wrong, but I'd begun to prepare for what I now viewed as the inevitable. There were monsters among us, and for once, I wasn't referring to Jim. No, my view on him hadn't changed, I'd just discovered there were worse creatures than the cheater on whom I'd wasted my best years on. And maybe my only egg. The likelihood of more children seemed slim.   Keeping Kenna alive and the monsters at bay would be my life, with a smattering of party planning for the ultimate work-life balance. Little did I know, my next party might be my last, or that when the bridesmaid joked about the bride's future her monster-in-law, she wasn't even a little wrong. All I had to do was figure out a way to kill her without killing my business and literally losing a customer.   As far as crime fighters were concerned, Scooby-Doo's crew had the Mystery Machine. Magnum PI had that red Ferrari. Me, I had a mini-van. What I lacked in style, I made up for in space.

Meet Diana Delaney, a nondescript, middle aged, talentless housewife and school office administrator. Diana's got a new job: one she didn't apply for. Monster Hunter. Now she's got to save New Orleans, one beast at a time. Pity. I was nearly crushed under the weight of it lately. At work in the school office, I would overhear conversations as everyone speculated how I was doing, given my marriage was over, my husband had moved on and started a second family with one of my best friends. Every time, even though I knew what to expect, the pain cut as genuinely as any knife. Or my machete. That thing was no joke. They all thought I looked a mess these days because I was so sad. In truth, I was so tired. I was beyond tired. Long hours were a way of life between my job, building my business, raising Kenna, and fighting monsters. I didn't really have time to be depressed. What gave me a twinge of fear and sadness and spurred me to fight harder was the thought that I was sending Kenna out into this dangerous world. So, I tried to not only change the world, but my mind. Perspective. That's what I needed. Instead of thinking about Kenna leaving for school, I should be thinking about the positives, like...soon I would be going to my last PTA meeting. Oh, but not soon enough. See, monsters were everywhere, even in the school library, after hours, while parents tried to plan the end of year ceremonies. Even I believed I was imagining things, and I've seen some things. A book moved. A chair slid sideways. A gust of wind came out of nowhere. Well, that did it. I knew what I was up against. Not pity. Not perspective. Poltergeists. And as far as I knew, there was not a single soul around who was more prepared to battle the poltergeist than me. Not only was I not getting out of PTA meetings, I'd be working overtime...time I didn't have...to save the end of year ceremonies, the school, and every parent, teacher, and student who entered the building. Past-times. After this, I'd deserve a break, a vacation, and time to choose a new hobby. Monster hunting wasn't it.

Meet Diana Delaney, a nondescript, middle aged, talentless housewife and school office administrator. Diana's got a new job: one she didn't apply for. Monster Hunter. Now she's got to save New Orleans, one beast at a time.   For the most part, I had no complaints about my life. Although, it would've been nice if Kenna had decided to go to college locally, where I could protect her and keep her safe. Other than that, life was decent. Of course, I wouldn't object to the divorce being finalized. Still, once Jim accepted that he needed to secure new representation, we could end this dark chapter of our lives and he could get on with my former best friend and their new baby. So, maybe I just needed a change too. If my catering business grew big enough, then I could quit my day job and never have to face Lola again. I had a dream to achieve and a plan to get me there, which was naturally quickly derailed. In retrospect, I completely understand how it happened. I made the mistake of telling one of my clients I was willing to plan any event, if it meant I could leave my position at the school sooner. Phyllis overheard. She ran the athletic association and was responsible for the end of season parties for each sport. Since she was nearing retirement, I'd discovered her enthusiasm for the task had waned with each season. Oh, but this beggar couldn't afford to be a chooser. I wrote up a contract, she signed it, and I started planning. Up first: soccer. I was given a budget and a promise: perform well, and I'd be working the football party next. And let's face it, that's where the major networking would happen. All I had to do was wow the soccer moms. How hard could that be? They were impressed. There was mingling. There was laughter and conversation. And while I didn't mean to eavesdrop, I did. I overheard one woman talking to a friend about another mutual friend. Apparently, this woman thought her boyfriend was having an affair, which wasn't such a stretch since that's how they first started dating. That part wasn't even what caught my ear. Nope. The stunner was the description of the changes in the guy. He was lethargic, complained he felt drained, and had no interest in having sex with her, which was a huge change. Naturally, I whipped out my phone and consulted my digital monster hunter directory. Just as I suspected. This sounded like a succubus, which meant demon removal. That service was on my secret party planning menu. And it didn't come cheap. A few more of those and I'd be school-free. Lola would be a distant memory. And Jim would be out of my life, practically for good. I turned to the woman talking about her friend's issue and passed her my card. "Have your friend call me. I can help," I explained. The next day, Lola showed up at my door holding that card. "I need your help," she mumbled. "It's going to cost you," I warned. Lola agreed to my exorbitant fee. This woman was determined to hang onto her man. Okay, technically, he was still my man because we weren't divorced yet. And she'd latched onto him then. That's why I face such a moral dilemma. Did I want revenge? This succubus could kill Jim, thus ending my need for a divorce. Or did I want happiness? Because as I stared at that check and all those zeros, I couldn't help but smile. Too bad I had no idea how to kill a succubus. And Attie didn't seem to know either. This was no time for on the job training, or trial and error. Not with Kenna coming home for fall break and her father's life on the line.