Deadish Series

Cooper's dead. But what's a nerd to do when Heaven doesn't believe in technology, and hell's hotter than an overclocked CPU? Panicking and running away back to Earth seems a perfectly logical reaction, especially since his beloved computer hasn't come with him. Of course, what to do then is a bit of a puzzle that only Linda can solve. This is a very short book - novelette length - around 10 000 words or 40 (print) pages. Warning: Contains frequent foul language, adult themes, nerd-speak and Aussie insults. Not suitable for children. Cooper says: "I'm dead. "This is sorta ####ing me off. "I don't know what happened, though. One moment I was on my way to visit my girlfriend with a big bunch of flowers, and the next I saw a big bright light and a cloud and a crowd of dudes in dresses carrying harps. Holy ####, I thought, I'm dead! Then I thought - #####, that looks like a church choir, all low-tech and acoustic and stuff. That's not where I wanna be. Bet they don't have a single computer, or if they do it's like a 386 or something, all filled with dustbunnies. There's no way I'm getting stuck in a low-tech shiny place like that with acoustic music everywhere. That's a freaky version of hell. #### no. So I ran, or flew or something the #### away, and now I'm back home and I'm still dead. "I think maybe my girlfriend killed me." Linda says: "Oh Lord, a few stubbies short of a sixpack as well as too dumb to go to heaven. This one's gonna be a barrel of fun. " Krystal says: "I can't believe the stupid little ######## thinks I did him in. Now I wish like #### that I had. What the #### is wrong with him? ####ing self-absorbed moron, can't believe he killed himself through arrant stupidity, so he's got to blame the only person who ever put up with him for more than five ####ing minutes." 

Linda's had a bad day. First her boyfriend killed her. Then she woke up, still on this boring plane of existence, and with an odd obsession about her missing body. Mike won't tell her what he did with her body, and she can't find the stupid thing herself. There's only one thing she can do - torment the bastard until he coughs up the information. This is a very short work - novelette length - around 11000 words or 44 (print) pages. Warning: Frequent foul language, mild sex scenes, and Australian spelling. Not suitable for children. Mike says: "It was accidental. Just believe me. We were arguing, she told me I #### like a jellyfish (what the ####?), and I slapped her. ####, wouldn't you? Nothin' much, if she'd been a bloke she'da laughed in my face. But she fell off her stupid stilettos. That's all she was wearing, see, just stilettos and a coating of oil. ######, she stank like a #####house. But she said that, and she smirked. It was the smirk what did for me, but it was the high heels what did for Linda. She went sideways and lost her balance on the tall, stupid spiky things and went down, smacking her head on that fancy 'occasional table' with a nice meaty thump. "She died 12 or so hours later. In her sleep. We'd called a truce and gone to bed and ####ed and fell asleep. I woke up clutching a dead-cold cadaver that wouldn't move so I could take a pulse." Linda says: "My name's Linda. I'm dead. It sucks, OK? Especially because I'm dead for no good reason. I'm dead because my dumb#### boyfriend shot me and it hurt like hell and that's all I remember, to be honest. Until I woke up without a body. Now I know from books and movies that that's not the way it's supposed to happen. Well, in a way it is, right. But the ghost is always anchored by their bod, and they can't move too far away from it. Which implies that they know WHERE THE #### IT IS. Whereas, me? I don't know where my body is, and I'm not limited to any location. And for some reason, this is really important to me. I need to find my body. Maybe I need closure, or some ####. I don't know. I just need to. So I hired Trent. He'll find my body for me. I hope. If he doesn't, I'll fire his #### and haunt him in between haunting my ex-beloved and hiring someone with a clue." Trent says: "Everybody's lying their #### off, and it's really starting to get annoying." 

John's dead. He's pretty happy about it, actually. So's his wife, Melissa. Linda, on the other hand, suspects foul play - and she's not going to rest until she finds out what happened. This is a very short book - novelette length - around 10 000 words or 40 (print) pages. Warning: Contains frequent foul language, adult themes, and Aussie insults. Not suitable for children. John says: So I died. So I don't remember how I died. I'm dead, I'm in heaven. That sounds like a happy ending to me. So why does Linda care so much? I don't. Melissa says: I've been mooning around heaven for years waiting for my husband to turn up. He finally makes it, and he's joined at the hip to a blonde tart who thinks clothes are 'like, so lame'. I am not happy. Mack says: I'm madder than a roo with sunstroke. I know nothing. Leave me alone! Linda says: There's something really weird going on here, and I want to know what, #### it.

Geordie and Lazarus are back, and they have a big problem. Someone's sending death threats to Geordie, and he's afraid that he'll soon be relegated to an afterlife of wandering the earth, giving fashion advice to the passé living. Can Trent and Linda save him from his fate? Warning: Contains strong language, Australian spelling, and hysteria. Not recommended for children. Geordie says: Isn't it amazing how unimportant impending death is when it's only mine? Maybe I'd get more attention as a ghost. I'd certainly have a better wardrobe than Linda's. That girl had trouble keeping any clothes on. Linda says: I don't think dead people are allowed to go mad in Heaven. That sounds all wrong. Trent says: Needs must as the devil drives - or as Linda drives. Same thing, I think, sometimes.

Mike is days away from getting out of jail. But he has a big problem - he's being tormented again. This time, it's extra nasty. He's convinced that Linda is back to make his life hell.  Linda was enjoying Heaven until Mike started screaming for her attention. She's not interested in helping him, though - she just wants him to go the hell away.  Trent, as usual, is given the job of working out what the hell is going on. Warning: Contains violence, rude words, and Aussie spelling and slang. Not suitable for children. Mike says:  "What the #### is the mad ##### thinking? Isn't she supposed to be happy and ####? Why the #### is she back to making my life miserable? Is it because I'm about to get out of this ####hole? Big ####ing deal. So I'm in here for killing her. So I didn't get a life sentence for murder. I've still been stuck in a jail cell for more than two ###### years. What does she want me to do? Beg them to keep me in here?" Linda says: "Oh, for ####'s sake. I'm gonna go down there and kill him myself soon, just to put the ####### out of my misery." Trent says: "Linda says Mike's insane. Mike says Linda's insane. Welcome  to the funhouse."

Prudence is dead. She was expecting to join a choir of adoring angels, but instead she's stuck bouncing between Heaven and Earth.  Sephenia's given Linda a new challenge, with just two words: "Fix her!" What the hell has traumatised this kid so badly, and how the hell is she getting exorcised every time she turns up on Earth? Warning: Contains swearing, alternative afterlives, and Australian spelling. Not suitable for children. Prudence says: Heaven is an awfully odd place. It's not at all like the reverend said it would be! There are hardly any harps, and it actually seems a little sinful. Although it feels blasphemous to even think that. Linda has a hot tub! And alcohol! I'm very confused. Linda says: Oh God, Sephenia's saddled me with a total innocent. I mean, she's still all fluffy and cute. What the hell are they thinking? Reverend Jones says: There are evil spirits all around me. They taunt me. When will my Lord rescue me?

Paul's not dead. He might not know much, but he's sure of that. Last he remembers, he was leaving his Bali hotel for a night of partying. Linda's been assigned to mentor him in Heaven - but first she has to get him there.