The Funniest People in Families Series

Some samples: 1) Just after the end of World War II, while country comedian Archie Campbell was still an enlisted man in the United States Navy, he hadn’t seen his wife for a long time, so he asked Lieutenant Sam Bailey if a way could be arranged for him to see her. Therefore, Lieutenant Bailey asked Mr. Campbell to take an apparatus to Florida to have it repaired—of course, Mr. Campbell had his wife meet him in Florida. At the repair shop, Mr. Campbell asked how long it would take to have the apparatus repaired, and the technician assured him that it would be repaired by the very next day. This was bad news for Mr. Campbell and his wife, so he explained the situation to the technician, saying, “I haven’t seen my wife in over a year. Take longer than that.” The technician replied, “In that case, it will take at least a week.” 2) One Christmas, Pope John XXIII went to a children’s hospital to visit the patients. One child, Silvio Colagrande, had been blind, but could now see because a dying priest, Don Gnocchi, had willed his eyes to Silvio and the corneas had been transplanted. Upon seeing the Pope, Silvio called out, “I see you with Don Gnocchi’s eyes.” Another child, seven-year-old Carmine Gemma, had recently become blind as the result of an attack of meningitis. He told Pope John XXIII, “You’re the Pope, I know, but I can’t see you.” The Pope held Carmine’s hands for a while, then he murmured, “We are all blind, sometimes.” 3) Anne Sexton once wrote a volume of poetry titled Love Poems. One poem was intended to be titled “Twenty-One Days Without You” because her career required her to spend that amount of time away from her husband. However, the title had to be changed to “Eighteen Days Without You” after her husband said to her, “I can’t stand it any longer; you haven’t been with me for days.”

Some samples: 1) Early in their married life, horror writer Stephen King and his wife, Tabitha, had little money. In fact, at their wedding, Mr. King walked down the aisle wearing a borrowed suit, tie, and shoes. (Since he took the morning off to get married, his pay at the Laundromat where he worked was docked.) Mr. King wrote a novel, but he was so disgusted at the low pay he was receiving for his writing that he threw away the manuscript. Fortunately, his wife retrieved it from the garbage and convinced him to send it to a friendly editor at Doubleday. In 1973, the book, titled Carrie, was published in hardback, and he received $2,500 for it. Later, the paperback rights to the successful novel were sold. Mr. King figured that he would get $5,000 for the paperback rights, and when he learned that he would actually get $400,000, he celebrated by buying his wife a hair dryer. 2) When country comedian Jerry Clower was a very small boy, his grandfather got up before dawn, left the house, and returned after sunset three days in a row. Young Jerry asked where he had been, and his grandfather replied, “I been doing public work—working for the county. We have a poll tax we have to pay before we can vote, and I didn’t have the two dollars to pay it. So the county agreed to let me work three days and they would pay me two dollars.” Then his grandfather smiled and said, “Hallelujah! I done earned two dollars. I can vote! Thank God. Boy, your grandaddy is going to be able to vote.” 3) Actor Walter Slezak’s grandmother was very curious. When he was a small boy, he asked her to keep for him a large box tied with string, but not to tell his parents about it because it was a secret. In particular, she had to promise not to look inside the box. As soon as he left the room, his grandmother began to untie the string. Inside the box she found a smaller box, and inside that box she found an even smaller box. When she finally opened the smallest box, she found this note: “Hello, nosy, you broke your promise.”

Some samples: 1) Police officers in small towns with little crime sometimes come up with creative ways to keep from being bored. In Fort Fairfield, Maine (population 4,300 at the time of this incident), a police officer discovered a chicken roosting on his police car. The police officer arrested the chicken for such crimes as criminal trespass, criminal mischief, resisting an officer, indecency (the chicken was naked), and littering. On the official crime report, the police officer wrote down the chicken’s name as Cee Little. Later, the police officer explained, “It started out as a joke and shouldn’t have gone as far as it did, but in a town like Fort Fairfield, you have to do something to keep from going crazy.” (The day following the arrest, the chicken was released into the custody of a person who liked to eat eggs.) 2) Maureen Stapleton was afraid of flying, and on a cross-country trip she sat next to friend and fellow actor Eli Wallach and held his hand. At one point he told her that he had to go to the restroom, and she told him, “All right. Let’s go.” She held his hand as she walked with him to the restroom, then waited outside. When he left the restroom, she held his hand and walked with him back to their seats. She then told him, “Buckle up—and no more bathroom privileges for you.” 3) Cheerleaders can be role models for young children. For example, the first graders at a Catholic school idolized the cheerleaders who were in the eighth grade. In fact, at one recess the first graders imitated the older cheerleaders. One first grader led the chants: “Give me a B ... give me a Q ... give me an R ... what’s that spell?” Since none of the first graders knew how to spell yet (and since the letters in fact did not spell a word), one first grader answered, “I don’t know!”

Some samples: 1) When major-league baseball star Barry Bonds was still attending classes and playing games at Arizona State, he visited his grandfather for a while when he had some time off. Unfortunately, when he drove back to Arizona State, his mother called him and let him know that his grandfather had died. Barry said, “No, he didn’t—I just saw him a couple of hours ago.” His grandfather had died while sitting in a chair and watching some recordings of Barry’s games. Barry always had a lot of respect for his grandfather, who attended his games when Barry’s father, Bobby, couldn’t because Bobby was playing major-league baseball. Barry also respected his grandfather because his grandfather had grown up during a time of hatred—the Jim Crow era—and yet his grandfather had not become a hateful man. Barry says, “To grow up in those times and not have any hatred, nothing—it’s incredible.” Barry’s grandfather gave him a present that had belonged to his grandfather and that he still has today: a cross on a chain. Barry acquired an excellent work ethic from his family. He worked out five hours a day during the off-season so he could keep in shape for major-league baseball. Even when he shot a movie in Vancouver, his contract stated that he would have time off from filming so he could work out for five hours a day. 2) Steve Pollak, an elementary schoolteacher, member of the Phish, and songwriter of “Suzy Greenberg,” is married to Leslie, who had prayed to meet someone to share her life. On her 30th birthday, she blew out the candles on her birthday cake and then prayed, “OK, God, I want to find someone who falls madly in love with me, and then hear the pitter patter of little feet after that.” Sure enough, soon afterward, she found a dog dodging trucks on a bridge near where she lived. She adopted the dog, named him Willie, and shared her life with him. Leslie’s aunt told her, “You said pitter patter of little feet, and fall in love with you—you weren’t specific.” Therefore, on her next birthday, Leslie was more specific. After blowing out the birthday-cake candles, she prayed, “OK, God, I want a tall dark male human being to fall in love with me, whom I fall in love with, but the clincher is he needs to propose to me before my college reunion on June 8th.” Being specific counts. She made the prayer January 17th, she met Steve March 23rd, they were engaged May 11th, and they went to her reunion June 8th. Leslie says, “True story.” 3) During World War I, an English nurse was present when some badly wounded Germans were brought in. One mortally wounded German was a young boy of sixteen, and he kept calling for his mother. The nurse knew that he would die, but she wanted to do what little she could for the boy, so she went to him and held his hand. He was delirious, but he immediately calmed down, looked her in the eyes, and said, “Mother, I knew you would come.” A few minutes later, he died.

Some samples: 1) Susie Essman plays the foul-mouthed Susie Greene on the HBO comedy series "Curb Your Enthusiasm." Her tirades, which are many, are filled with profanity delivered in many original and colorful ways—she rivals the foul-mouthed Jay of Jay and Silent Bob fame in her talent for profanity. She uses this talent of hers in real life; in fact, her family uses “Susie Greene” as a verb. For example, while she and her 16-year-old daughter were walking on Broadway, a creep grabbed her daughter’s bottom. Ms. Essman says, “Oh, he got so Susie Greened, I can’t even tell you—I went crazy on him!” After proper and just revenge had been exacted on the creep, her daughter said to her, “Y’know, you just Susie Greened him.” Ms. Essman replied, “Let that be a lesson for you! You Susie Greene anybody who ever does that to you!” 2) The mother of Theodor Geisel, aka Dr. Seuss, was very encouraging to her son. He once showed her a drawing he had made of an animal with enormous ears. He told her that the animal was called a “Wynnmph,” and his mother said that of course that was the animal’s name and that his drawing of it was wonderful. In addition, his mother encouraged him to read and play piano as well as draw and actually used his love of reading to bribe him to practice his piano lessons. When he played well, she took him to a bookstore and let him pick out a book for her to buy for him. 3) Lesbian humorist Garbo participated in a gay and lesbian bowling league where one Halloween she saw a drag queen bowling in three-inch stiletto heels. This is definitely against bowling alley rules, but the manager didn’t say a word—this drag queen was big. Garbo herself bowled on an all-lesbian team called the “Girl Gang,” but when a gay friend named Ron joined them, they offered to change the team’s name. As it turned out, they didn’t have to change their name—Ron thought that it was accurate.

Some samples: 1) In 1949, journalist James Morris married Elizabeth Tuckniss. Later, Mr. Morris got a sex change and became Jan Morris. Because of the sex change, the married couple was forced to divorce, but they continued to live together. In 2008, in a civil service ceremony, Jan Morris, now a writer, re-married Elizabeth Tuckniss. Ms. Morris pointed out, “I have lived with the same person for 58 years. We were married when I was young ... and then this sex-change, so-called, happened, so we naturally had to divorce ... but we always lived together, anyway. So, I wanted to round this thing off nicely. So last week, as a matter of fact, Elizabeth and I went and had a civil union.” Ms. Tuckniss says, “After Jan had a sex change, we had to divorce. So there we were. It did not make any difference to me. We still had our family. We just carried on.” Why do some marriages endure that seem unlikely to endure? British journalist Stuart Jeffries says, “You know what—it’s none of our business. ... Enough that some mysteries remain just that.” 2) Actor Dule Hill played the personal aide to the President on the TV series "The West Wing." After three years of playing the role, he was honored when a full-page photograph of him appeared in a book about the series. He bought a copy of the book and gave it to his grandmother. Of course, she was very happy to receive the book. Looking at the full-page photograph of her grandson, she said, “Look what I lived to see.” Mr. Hill says, “I remember that moment—knowing her journey. She’d worked as a seamstress, walked to the bus in the middle of winter.... It taught me that when you pursue your dreams and sometimes you keep working hard, working hard and you may not get the reward yourself—but for the grace of God, it all works out in the long run. That taught me a lot. You don’t know what you do today how it affects tomorrow.” 3) Some people choose to live in very small houses, both because the houses are affordable and because they are good for the environment. In Madison, Wisconsin, Robert and Deborah Luther live in a very small house—396 square feet downstairs, and 156 (not-quite-finished) feet upstairs—on the shore of Lake Monona. Robert bought the house, then married Deborah. To get room for her to live in the very small house, he says, “I threw out half of my stuff so she could move in. She threw out the other half of my stuff.” Another advantage of living in a very small house is that cleaning the Luthers’ house takes only 25 minutes.