Are you an asker or a guesser? In 2015 while I was deep in hermit mode writing Pivot while living in a tiny studio apartment in Nolita (North of Little Italy), a friend texted: “Hey, do you mind if I crash on your couch tomorrow night?”
To this day, I still feel somewhat bad about my answer . . . but every bone in my body was saying, “Yes, I mind.” I said no. Years later, I still wonder: Should I have rolled with the punches, accepted the spontaneous company, and just said yes?
Today I’m sharing a framework that changed my life when I first read about it in Jocelyn Glei’s book, Unsubscribe—the difference between ask culture vs. guess culture. Or, as I like to think about it, spaghetti throwers vs. spaghetti twirlers. Which one are you?

?3 Key Takeaways:

Would you go out of your way to initiate what someone just asked you for? If not, say no!

Build awareness about your own style: Are you a giver, taker, or matcher? A spaghetti twirler or a spaghetti thrower? If you know what you are by nature, you can respond to (and make!) requests more intentionally.

As Jocelyn Glei writes, “What if you stepped into the asker's shoes every time you got an email that felt like an imposition? Reframe the situation, put the ask in perspective, and consider the opportunity with a relaxed attitude.”

 
✅Next Action: Establish your own rule of thumb for asking and giving in your relationships. Do you want to wait for 10 touchpoints before making a request like Alex Rodriguez? A year of time like Dorie Clark? Find something that feels joyful and in integrity to you.
?Books Mentioned: 


Free Time: Lose The Busywork, Love Your Business 


Pivot: The Only Move That Matters Is Your Next One

Unsubscribe: How to Kill Email Anxiety, Avoid Distractions, and Get Real Work Done

Give and Take: A Revolutionary Approach to Success

?Resources Mentioned: 

Articles: Tangerine’s (Andrea Donderi) reply to What's the Middle Ground Between FU!' and 'Welcome!'? and Oliver Burkeman’s Guardian column: Are You an Asker or a Guesser?


Podcast episode: Clearer Thinking—Ask Culture vs. Guess Culture


?Related Podcast Episodes: 

Free Time 035: The Long Game with Dorie Clark

Jocelyn Glei’s Hurry Slowly Podcast

254: The Practice—On Generosity, Peculiarity, and Showing Up with Seth Godin

205: Delightful "5-Star" Relationships with Marriage Coach Maggie Reyes

282: The Honor Roll Hangover with Melody Wilding

 
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