Bolt Ya Nugget: The true story behind Scotland's most popular comedy song ever!

By Ned Kruz

"Here You That Will Be Right'" was an internet sensation and gave birth to Scotland's first and still most popular You Tube comedy song. It was the country's first viral video but there's an untold story that unfolds in these pages which will make you laugh, cry and laugh again. If you mention the Wee Man and the NEDS Kru to most people over 18

• Language: English
• Publisher: Ned Kruz
• Release date: Mar 1, 2024
• ISBN: 9781917129343

Book preview

Introduction

Across the Generations

It’s crazy to think it’s been 21 years since I penned that little nugget! Pun totally intended!

There’s over 1400 of them! exclaimed my nephew in his South London accent.

You’re joking! I replied.

"Am fuckin no mate! he reverted to his best Glaswegian NED imitation, which he does brilliantly having grown up with me pretty much a constant all his younger life. He’s been part of the song before most people ever heard it. We used to drive my sister nuts on the London Underground as I would feed out one line and he would come back with the next like an old gospel call and response. He was only five years old and had a tiny wee voice that he changed to perfect Glaswegian NED even then. To him and I it was hilarious. I’d throw out Here you and he’d come with Bolt ya nugget Not so funny to my sister but we had a great time as the southern natives looked on as puzzled as a pubescent Parish Priest in a city brothel. You know the little kids voice who shouts the last BOLT YA NUGGET!!! on the original version of the happy hard core of Here You That’ll Be Right?" That’s our Solomon at eight years old. A funny, funny boy. Takes after his uncle, apparently.

This is a quote from Glasgow Live June 6 2022 "Let's make no mistake, if the Neds Kru video was released today it would - deservedly - receive an absolute barrage of criticism I’m not too sure about that. Here You" is still getting hits from men and women, boys and girls, young and old. People are still making parodies of Glasgow’s first internet viral sensation so quite where the ‘deserved barrage of criticism’ would come from I’m not convinced, but hey, fire away. People are still laughing at it and that’s what it is, it’s a laugh, it’s a joke, it’s a piss take but there were those who were offended and thought we were bringing Glasgow and Scotland into disrepute. Merely reflecting our society as any good ‘artist’ is supposed to do, no? That's thing about opinions, they are like arseholes. Everybody’s got one and everybody’s entitled to one but most of the time they’re full of shite.

Before I get into the how’s, when’s, where’s, what happened, what didn’t happen, who did what and who totally fucked up the distribution of THE most famous - or infamous - Scottish comedy track of all time, Here You That Will Be Right by The Neds Kru featuring The Wee Man, I should introduce myself. I’m Ned Kruz, the writer, the voice and the co-producer behind the track. I was the founding member of the Neds Kru, long, long before Neil Bratchpiece - AKA The Wee Man - was ever involved. Neil done great job and shot the song into Scottish cultural history forever. Fair play. For good or for bad, it’s there and it’s there to stay and nothing much we can do about it now…. except laugh!

Apparently I was somewhat of an inspiration to Gerry Cinnamon in getting his own tunes out there. He seen me perform Here You… in some Glasgow venue sometime in 03/04 and thought, if he can get away with that, there is hope for me. At least I inspired someone eh. So if ye like Gerry I’m pleased to have been a tiny part. Gerry and I have exchanged some thoughts since he performed ‘Here You…’ in his sound check at the Armadillo in Glasgow and my mate Vicky Bryce sent me the recording. I thought he’d actually covered it in his set and, full transparency, I thought I was due a few quid! That’s why copyright exists after all and it wouldn’t be coming out of his pocket but the PRS. I won’t bore with my understanding of copyright law, public performance rights and royalties.

The video was a great medium to carry the lyrics and very funny too. Neil The Wee Man Bratchpiece gave it a real character and fair to play him for that, it was a bit of poisoned chalice for him though.

4.9 million hits on You Tube in 2024, 1,400 plus parodies on Tik Tok and god knows how many other versions being bandied about! When I looked about ten years ago, it was sitting at 3 million plus. In Jan 2024 it wasn’t a kick in arse off 5 million. The Tik Tok generation weren’t even born when I penned this little belter and now they’re throwing them up like a jakey after a bad bottle of Buckfast. If you count all the rouge versions that have been uploaded by others out-with the Neds Kru channel, it’s easily 5 million plus. That’s more than the population of Scotland and yes, I get that people hit it multiple times but still in 2007 You Tube was in its infancy. I realised really quickly it could be a very powerful tool if used properly. The first three months seen well over two million views and hits and that’s how success is calculated in the digital age, right? Well as far as I "understand viral marketing!" More on that belter of a phrase later.

Only one person had control of the distribution of the happy hard core video version. Only one person had the passwords and only one person fucked it right up….. More on that little nugget later as well. And believe me, a nugget he was!

With those kinds of numbers, you’d think someone would have made a small fortune. Add to that the alleged 1,200 plus ringtones downloaded on the first day of the release of that medium at a quid a time and I can only guess at how much was taken in. But again, I didn’t have access. You would assume that someone made something. It sure as fuck wasn’t me or Neil! And I’m not saying anyone did anything untoward but you would think some money would have been made, no? Read on.

Bottom line is, it’s my voice on the track and despite some others attempts to distort the truth, I wrote the lyrics and the ‘melody’ (if you can define it as a melody, more of a vile rap) long before the video was produced. The vocal delivery has not changed since the original 7am lay down to a hip hop back beat one post club summer morning in 2003, in the third tower block of Kennishead. Don’t believe me? I think you will after this.

Chapter 1

The Background

A wee bit of background for ye. There were four people involved in the famous video. Yours truly, who sang and wrote the lyrics, the brilliant Anna who shot, produced and edited the video, Neil Bratchpiece, who played his character The Wee Man and the happy hardcore producer who did the backing track for the version that most people reading this will be familiar with. He also built the website and the You Tube channel. Fair play to him for that, but it wasn’t that hard and certainly isn’t what people remember. The website was a waste of fucking time anyway for reasons that will become apparent.

Now, as you most likely know Here You That’ll Be Right is a parody of the NED. A low life creature, THE NED, generally from the schemes, pond scum, a bottom feeder of the lowest order in existence and downright oxygen thief. Nothing a can of petrol and a match would not fix but I’m not saying go out and burn a NED. But even scheme dwellers would agree they are an embarrassment to our schemie nation.

There are a couple of schools of thought as to why Neds are called Neds. The first is that they were named after Ned Kelly and his motley crew of renegades who ran riot in Australia in the early 20th Century with a common disregard for any kind of authority, just or otherwise. The other is an acronym! N.E.D.S. Non Educated Delinquent Schemies.

Now my mate Rory Olacyto who was the assistant editor of the Architects Journal and acquaintance of Frankie Boyle (name drop name