LOWCOUNTRY BIBLICAL ALMANAC: For making the bitter grapes sweet again

By Dr. Al Shifflett

The idea of an Almanac came to me in a cemetery.  I was getting ready to bury William Gordon Wells, my church administrator. Gordon was unique and reminded me of Will Rogers or W.C. Fields.  He was an avid turkey hunter, and he said there are five species of turk

• Language: English
• Publisher: Backporch Theology
• Release date: Dec 8, 2023
• ISBN: 9798892280273

Book preview

Lowcountry Biblical

Almanac

For making the bitter grapes sweet again

Dr. Al Shifflett

Copyright © 2023 by Dr. Al Shifflett.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without a prior written permission from the publisher, except by reviewers, who may quote brief passages in a review, and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by the copyright law.

Library of Congress Control Number:   2023923064

ISBN:   979-8-89228-026-6   (Paperback)

ISBN:   979-8-89228-027-3   (eBook)

Printed in the United States of America

The Dedication of this book

William Gordon Wells was beloved by everyone but the turkeys. He once told me that there were five species of turkeys in America and he had gotten one of each. When he died the turkeys were the only ones relieved. If Gordon, like Ben Franklin, would’ve had his way the turkey would’ve been the emblem of America, not the Eagle.

I once made a remark to a fellow Methodist, maybe a Baptist, I can’t rightly remember; I made the remark that Gordon had no enemies. That fellow corrected me by saying that Gordon was indeed a lovely character, but a woe had been pronounced against him in the Bible.

How was that, I asked.

He responded immediately, and I’m sure now; he must’ve been a Baptist: Cause the Bible says woe unto you when all men speak well of you.

Regardless of that woe, I aim to speak well of William Gordon Wells, better known as Gordon. Therefore, I dedicate this book to my friend and fellow Methodist, Gordon Wells

Foreword

The idea of a biblical almanac came to me on a Sunday morning as I stood in the Floyd Cemetery located on Floyd Road, Tillman, South Carolina. It was June 5th, 2016 and I was there to bury William Gordon Wells. Gordon was unique and reminded me of a Will Rogers or W.C. Fields. Gordon had been my church Administrator and adult Sunday school teacher and had requested that his funeral be nothing elaborate—just get it over with and put me in the ground. But that was easier said than done as Gordon was well known from South Carolina all the way to Florida, especially for his hunting turkeys. There are five species of turkeys in America and Gordon as I previously stated had gotten one of each kind. Many of his fellow turkey hunters showed up to pay homage at his funeral.

It was 9:30 in the morning the temperature was rising into the 90’s and by the time I took the mobile podium it was hot as hades. Perspiration was running down my forehead fogging up my glasses making it difficult to read the eulogy. I had on a black suit with a white shirt and red tie. I could feel the water running down my neck soaking the red tie which I imagined was fading and running onto the white shirt. The water ran down both legs into my shoes soaking my socks as if I had wet my pants. It made little difference that I stood in the shade of a tent in front of Gordon’s casket. If anything, it made it hotter as there was absolutely no breeze under that tent. Nothing was stirring, not even Gordon in his casket, and the idea hit me that the coolest spot in the cemetery was with Gordon.

I was perspiring and feeling faint, and the thought occurred to me that old Abraham was cooler under the trees of Mamre then I was in the Floyd Cemetery. The Lord and his two angels had sought relief with Abraham under the shade of the Mamre trees. The angels were on their way to the twin cities of Sodom and Gomorrah. I sat under the shade of the tent shelter provided by the Funeral Director. That didn’t help the crowd outside the tent.

The heat was getting to me as my mind wandered like Joseph in the fields looking for his brothers around Shechem. But I had a message to deliver as soon as the singers stopped singing and the family member wrapped up his remembrances—if they could do it, I could do it, in spite of the gnats buzzing in and out of my ears. I needed to focus without passing out. The family member went on and on as the temperature rose with each passing minute—it’d be like preaching from hell. As I looked upon the family mourners sitting and enduring the heat my thoughts turned to Job sitting on an ash heap and scratching his sores along with three silent mourners.

Why did anyone want to hold a funeral outside when we have air-conditioned churches? Then—suddenly it was time. I stepped forward to the podium and carefully smoothed out my soggy manuscript. I would do my best to exalt Christ through Gordon to a sweltering hot audience anxious to depart—or faint! About four hundred people were crowded like cattle under a large oak tree in the center of Floyd Cemetery, and that was not a Baptist count! The unlucky ones stood in the hot sun shading themselves with umbrellas and praying for a short message. Gordon, a man of precise words, would want a short message so I’d give him one. It’s always good to grant a dead man his wish.

I started by telling the sweltering audience that Gordon was the Godfather of Jasper County. That was my terminology of him. I considered him a friend and although he had been hired by the radio station WBUG of Savannah for electronics, Gordon ended up doing the weather broadcast—and in no time had a fan club throughout South Carolina and parts of Georgia.

Gordon’s weather prognostications sounded like reading a Farmer’s Almanac. One fellow said he remembered driving to work one day and Gordon came on with the weather: Today on the way to the station I noticed seven cows lying down. Four on the right side and three on the left, so there’s going to be 40% chance of rain today.

Gordon also had a business called Wells Supply Company and he ran it on a unique accounting system—the honor system. You came in, got what you wanted, and signed a tablet promising to pay later. I told the audience that if any owed Gordon money, do not write a check and put it in his casket but give it to Gordon’s widow!

Also in his store was the sign: If we don’t have it you don’t need it. Since Gordon had been married three times, one of his customers had written under the sign and attached it as an addendum: Marriage Counsellor.

I reminded my sweltering audience some of the things Gordon told me—They were actually Gordon’s theological ramblings which flew around in my head. Once there it was hard to shake them out, like the song at Disney World, It’s a small, small world. Once you heard it, it kept repeating for half the day! That’s called Musical Ear Syndrome.

Well, Gordon’s sayings were what I called Gordon Syndromes. Here are some of Gordon’s sayings and I can’t verify whether they were just Gordon or something he read and pilfered:

Regarding Economics: The Bible:For what profit is it to a man if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul? (Matthew 16:26, NKJV). Gordon: A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

Regarding Health: The Bible:And as it is appointed for men to die once, but after this the judgment, (Hebrews 9:27, NKJV). Gordon: Never mind about your heart, it’ll last as long as you live.

Regarding