B Is for Beer

By Tom Robbins

“B Is for Beer isn’t meant for children . . . But kids at heart, and anyone bemused by Robbins’ previous novels, will guzzle down Robbins’ latest brew.” —The Denver Post

A children’s book about beer? Yes, believe it or not—but B Is for Beer is also a book for adults, and bear in mind that it’s the work of maverick bestselling novelist Tom Robbins, inter-nationally known for his ability to both seriously illuminate and comically entertain.

Once upon a time (right about now) there was a planet (how about this one?) whose inhabitants consumed thirty-six billion gallons of beer each year (it’s a fact, you can Google it). Among those affected, each in his or her own way, by all the bubbles, burps, and foam, was a smart, wide-eyed, adventurous kindergartner named Gracie; her distracted mommy; her insensitive dad; her non-conformist uncle; and a magical, butt-kicking intruder from a world within our world.

Populated by the aforementioned characters—and as charming as it may be subversive—B Is for Beer involves readers, young and old, in a surprising, far-reaching investigation into the limits of reality, the transformative powers of children, and, of course, the ultimate meaning of a tall, cold brewski.

“In his children’s book for grown-ups/grown-up book for children, Robbins (Even Cowgirls Get the Blues) takes readers on a whimsical tour of all things beer, written in the language of a bedtime story . . . the premise and execution of this unique book lends itself to moments of real humor.” —Publishers Weekly

• Language: English
• Publisher: Open Road Integrated Media
• Release date: Apr 9, 2009
• ISBN: 9780061914546

Book preview

1

Have you ever wondered why your daddy likes beer so much? Have you wondered, before you fall asleep at night, why he sometimes acts kind of funny after he’s been drinking beer? Maybe you’ve even wondered where beer comes from, because you’re pretty sure it isn’t from a cow. Well, Gracie Perkel wondered those same things.

Mommy, Gracie asked one afternoon, what’s that stuff Daddy drinks?

You mean coffee, sweetie?

Not coffee. Ick! That other stuff that’s yellow and looks like pee-pee.

Gracie!

"You say pee-pee."

Well, when I’m talking about potty time I might. But I don’t say it about somebody’s beverage.

Gracie giggled. Her mother, who was busy loading clothes in the washer, suggested without looking up, I believe, dear, you’re talking about beer.

Oh! squealed Gracie. "That’s right. Beer. That stuff that’s always on TV. She deepened her voice. ‘Better tasting!’ ‘Less filling!’ ‘Better tasting!’ ‘Less filling!’ She giggled again. Is it kinda like Pepsi for silly old men?"

Mrs. Perkel smiled, but it was such a weak, wimpy smile a kitten could have knocked it halfway to Milwaukee. She paused in her work to stare out of the laundry room window. The clouds themselves looked like a big pile of dirty laundry. That was not unusual because, you see, the Perkel family lived in Seattle.

Do you know about drizzle, that thin, soft rain that could be mistaken for a mean case of witch measles? Seattle is the world headquarters of drizzle, and in autumn it leaves a damp gray rash on everything, as though the city were a baby that had been left too long in a wet diaper and then rolled in newspaper. When there is also a biting wind, as there was this day, Seattle people sometimes feel like they’re trapped in a bad Chinese restaurant; one of those drafty, cheaply lit places where the waiters are gruff, the noodles soggy, the walls a little too green, and although there’s a mysterious poem inside every fortune cookie, tea is invariably spilt on your best sweater. Mrs. Perkel must have been feeling that way, for she sighed at the limp pork dumplings (or were they wadded Pampers?) in the sky and said to Gracie, If you want to know about beer you should go ask your father.

Never mind that she was wearing fluffy fuzzy bunny slippers, Gracie still tiptoed into the den. Her daddy was watching football on their new flat plasma screen, and if the University of Washington was losing again, he’d be in a grumpy mood. Uh-oh. She overheard a naughty word. UW was losing. Gracie was relieved, however, when she noticed that Uncle Moe had dropped by to watch the game and, of course, to mooch a few beers from her dad.

Uncle Moe didn’t take sports very seriously. He called himself a philosopher, if you know what that is. He’d graduated from about a dozen colleges, seldom ever seemed to work, and had traveled just about every place a person could go without getting his head chopped off. Mrs. Perkel said he was a nut job, but Gracie liked him. It didn’t bother her that he had a face like a sinkful of last night’s dinner dishes or that his mustache resembled a dead sparrow.

Timidly, Gracie tapped Mr. Perkel on the elbow. Her voice was shy and squeaky when she asked, Daddy, can I please taste your beer?

No way, her father snorted over his shoulder. His eyes never left the screen. Beer’s for grown-ups.

Gracie turned toward Uncle Moe, who grinned and beckoned her over, as she had suspected he might. Uncle Moe extended his can—and just like that, behind her daddy’s back, little Gracie Perkel took her first sip of beer.

Ick! She made a face. "It’s bitter."

The better to quench your thirst, my dear.

What makes it bitter, Uncle Moe?

Well, it’s made from hops.

Gracie made another face. "You mean them jumpy bugs that. . .?

No, pumpkin, beer isn’t extracted from grasshoppers. Nor hop toads, either. A hop is some funky vegetable that even vegans won’t eat. Farmers dry the flowers of this plant and call them ‘hops.’ I should mention that only the female hop plants are used in making beer, which may be why men are so attracted to it. It’s a mating instinct.

Moe!

The uncle ignored Gracie’s father. In any event, he went on, when brewers combine hops with yeast and grain and water, and allow the mixture to ferment—to rot—it magically produces an elixir so gassy with blue-collar cheer, so regal with glints of gold, so titillating with potential mischief, so triumphantly refreshing, that it seizes the soul and thrusts it toward that ethereal plateau where, to paraphrase Baudelaire, all human whimsies float and merge."

Don’t be talking that crap to her. She’s five years old.

Almost six, chimed Gracie.

In Italy and France, a child Gracie’s age could walk into an establishment, order a beer, and be served.

Yeah, well those people are crazy.

Perhaps so—but there’s far fewer alcohol problems in their countries than in safe and sane America.

Mr. Perkel muttered something vague before focusing his frown on UW’s latest boo-boo. Uncle Moe removed another beer from the cooler, holding it up for Gracie to admire. Beer was invented by the ancient Egyptians, he said.

The ones who made the mummies?

Exactly, although I don’t believe there’s any connection. At least I hope not. The point is, the Egyptians could have invented lemonade—but they chose to invent beer instead.

While Gracie thought this over, Uncle Moe pulled the metal tab on the top of his beer can. There was a snap, followed by a spritzy hiss and a small discharge of foam. Uncle Moe took a long drink, wiped foam from his tragic mustache, and said, "Speaking of inventions, did you know that the tin can was invented in 1811, but can openers weren’t invented until 1855? It’s a fact. During the forty-four years in between, hungry citizens had to access their pork ’n’ beans with a hammer and chisel. They were pretty lucky, don’t you think, that in those days beer didn’t

Reviews for B Is for Beer

[memccauley6 · Rating: 2 out of 5 stars]

I have long been a fan of Tom Robbins (I frequently quote Still Life With Woodpecker), and I love beer…. but this little book left me underwhelmed. The story of 6 year-old Gracie’s visit from the beer fairy read like an informational brochure for the brewing industry. Robbins’s wacky and wonderful descriptions shone through a few times, but not nearly often enough to satisfy me. The only Robbins book I have not wanted to read again. Sorry Tom… we’ll always have Mu.

[auntie0nanuuq · Rating: 2 out of 5 stars]

Prior to reading this book I had never read anything written by him. After reading this book, I doubt I will read anything more written by him.

Funny? No. Amusing? Slightly.

A little girl who is intrigued by beer, accidentally gets drunk on the 6th birthday & pukes on her Hello Kitty rug.... In a drunker stupor she is visited by the Beer fairy who takes her on a tour of how beer is made, from the Barley fields to the brewery, to a Beer Festival.

Meh!

[grandpahobo_1 · Rating: 2 out of 5 stars]

Cute idea that started off well, but seemed to increasingly flail as it went along.

[davadog13 · Rating: 2 out of 5 stars]

While entirely readable, it felt really uneven, dancing around topics without making a distinct decision as to what kind of book it was. I liked the flavor of the writing enough to where I'll check out some of his other work, but this one just wasn't for me.

[breathwork-1 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

Great little humerous look at the amber liquid we have all come to love and hate...

[satyridae · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

Robbins uses some of the most muscular and flexible language I've ever read. His sentences are so finely crafted that each gleams. His skewed vision combined with his rarefied prose can make it difficult to notice when there's something missing. It's my opinion that as beautiful as this book is, it's also pedantic at its core. In a boring way.

Also, the spacing

of the prose

reminds me of term papers


which needed to be exactly 40 pages long.


It is worth reading for the joyful, playful, ebullient goofiness that defines Robbins. There are some hilarious passages, of course, and some memorable lines. Ultimately, for me, it wasn't a keeper, though I'm glad I read it.

[readingthruthenight · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

Don't you just love the title of the book? Especially the "A Children's Book for Grown-ups and "A Grown-up Book for Children". *sigh* Tom Robbins, you just make me weak in the knees.B is for Beer will not disappoint if you are a Tom Robbins lover like myself. It's fanciful and still tongue-in-cheek. It's straight forward and yet hidden. Oh, and it's absolutely almost as contradictory as those two descriptors were.The book opens with: Have you ever wondered why your daddy likes beer so much?Thus the story begins. The narrator introduces us to Gracie, the young child who innocently tries to figure out the question our trustworthy storyteller poses. Gracie has a zany, hippie, philosophical uncle who tries to teach her of the world, treating her as equal to equal rather than adult to child. It's this uncle that she adores the most who ends up disappointing her. And those events lead her down an alcoholic road of discovery. After a birthday let down, young Gracie decides to drink a couple of daddy's favorite beverages...which essentially means, she gets toasted. I mean, seriously, ABSOLUTELY wasted. And of course who does she meet in her drunken stupor? Well, obvs...it's the BEER Fairy. (And for the record, I myself, have never been in such a state that I've met the Beer Fairy. I'm curious though...did I ever come close? Should I work on it harder?)This is where this tour de force (um yeah) tale turns historical. The Beer Fairy teaches Gracie the ins and outs of alcohol...the history...how it's made...why it's desired...and yes, even points out that for most it's an acquired taste. Gracie wakes up hungover...AND...Well, I can't tell you the ending. Even though it is a fairy tale; therefore, you will sigh in that "happily ever after" sigh.Tom Robbins hasn't disappointed me yet. If you're unfamiliar with his works, please start with Skinny Legs and All. (I hope to reread that one this year or next!)

[ocgreg34 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

"B Is for Beer" tells the tale of one Gracie Perkel, an inquisitive 5-year-old, as she attempts to find out what that funny yellow stuff is that her Dad always drinks. Her Mother pooh-poohs away the question. Her father would rather watch the football game. But her Uncle Moe, delighting in her questions, decides that he will tell her everything she needs to know about the foamy yellow elixir known as beer. He secretly lets her take a swig from his can, then promises that for her birthday -- only a few days away -- he's going to take her to the Redhook Brewery to see for herself how beer is made.Her excitement over the next few days turns into disappointment when Uncle Moe has to cancel the trip. Terribly upset, she goes on a bender, making herself sick, and unexpectedly bringing her to the attention of a very special and magical intruder who plans on showing young Gracie just what all the fuss surrounding beer is about."B Is for Beer" is a charming and funny cautionary tale about all that is good and bad about that wondrous alcoholic beverage beer. Yes, it does seem odd to tell this kind of story with the main character being a 5-year-old girl. But think about it: a child learns by imitating and asking questions, especially of their parents. Gracie sees her father drinking beer, sees how it affects him, and is naturally curious. What Tom Robbins manages to do is to mix the childlike inquisitiveness with an adult viewpoint, crafting a very enjoyable story, and sneaking in a bit of educational subtext. The story doesn't say Beer is Good or Beer is Bad, but presents scenes to highlight both viewpoints and to allow the reader -- or the young Gracie -- to form his or her own opinion.I definitely recommend this to beer lovers and abstainers alike. A very fun read.

[ct4bergeron · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

Cute book. It aptly says on the cover: "grown up book for children and Children book for grown up", it is quite an accurate description. It follows the story of Gracie Perkel 5 years old, nearly 6, who becomes curious about beer. She eventually experiment and ends up meeting the beer fairy, who will teach her, how beer is made, why grown-up drink beer, what beer does to you etc...

[lisahgolden · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

A fun, quick read from Tom Robbins. I enjoyed his book "Still Life with Woodpecker" too.

[cecilturtle · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

I'm usually a big fan of Tom Robbins, but this was a disappointment. There was the colorful language, the vivid imagery, the happy mockery, but this mix of fairytale and beer simply did not have the same pizazz and wit I've come to expect. A moral tale is Robbins' specialty but this one lacked subtlety.

[ironicqueery · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

B is for Beer is basically Tom Robbins Lite. While there are hints and traces of the writing that makes Robbins such a wonderful writer, the high-minded philosophical thoughts are toned down. Nevertheless, what's left is still a highly amusing and entertaining story that does encourage the reader to look at the world with a skeptical eye. In fact, Robbins seems to have packed in an extra dose of political messages criticizing the ever-scary conservatives found in the United States. The topic of the book and the intended audience - beer and kids - seems to be an obvious attempt at shocking people. Robbins admits as much at the end credits, noting that others thought he wouldn't "bloody dare". Robbins makes the book work - neither being outlandishly scandalous, nor pandering to more conservative readers. B is for Beer is a nice change of pace for Robbins, but his fully adult fiction is so wonderful, it would be a shame for him to become too enamored of writing young adult fiction. This book is certainly a good read, but it doesn't take the place of a normal Robbins novel.

[kqueue_1 · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

I stopped reading Tom Robbins for the story years ago, but still love to read him for the pure delight of his prose and B is for Beer doesn't disappoint. The story is simple - young Gracie gains a fascination from her nutty Uncle Moe about beer and the Beer Fairy visits to teach her more about it. The writing is the ultimate delight. Robbins is the all time master of the metaphor and supreme simile writer. I found myself smiling at phrase after phrase "a silk dress as red as a terrorism alert" "Each drizzly day limped into the next as if a falling can of Sapporo had broken the day's sunset toe and torn it's sunrise tendon". Read this book for the joy of the language, and you just might learn a few facts about beer in the process.

[francescadefreitas · Rating: 2 out of 5 stars]

I wonder if I've outgrown Tom Robbins? I haven't read one of his books in years, and I never enjoyed one of his books as much as I enjoyed my first, Still Life with Woodpecker.BUt while there were some beautiful lines occasionally, for the most part I thought this entire book was silly and contrived. I don't see a child enjoying it, it is too snide. And Gracie was far too annoying for me to enjoy her, there was very little child-like about her. Over all this was a disappointment, and I'd only weakly recommend it it to die-hard fans of the author.

[jwcs81 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

"B is for Beer" is a whimsical story about a six year old girl named Gracie Perkel and her first encounters with beer. A less then savory home life sets the backdrop for her interactions with her uncle Moe the Philosopher (who first teaches her about beer, in the highest esteem), an angry sunday school teacher (who ridicules her for merely mentioning the stuff), and the beer fairy (who teaches little Gracie the "truth" about beer).

[shanlizluv · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

Tom Robbins never disappoints.