Tears In The Water

By Margherita Scialla

At White Ravens University, where athletes train to become professional sportspeople, Alex is on the swimming team with her best friend, Xiuying. Having grown up mostly alone, parents absent and brother often busy with his own life, Alex tends not to meet new people unless she and Xiuying are together.
After an embarrassing encounter with a boy from the volleyball team Alex soon discovers that the world isn’t so big after all and the universe has a funny way of setting people up, especially when and with whom they’re least expecting.
Despite her reserved character, Alex becomes part of a newly formed friend group consisting of four amazing people with different identities and personalities. As she tries to overcome her anxiety and negative past events, Alex finds herself both struggling with romantic feelings for a new acquaintance and a full blown gender crisis.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Margherita Scialla
• Release date: Mar 9, 2023
• ISBN: 9798215194904

Margherita Scialla

Margherita Scialla (they/them) is a gen-z author born and raised in Italy. They obsessively studied languages for years, only to drastically change paths and study design at university. They now spend their days procrastinating and avoiding all and any responsibility (and getting their driving license) in order to read and write.

Book preview

PRAISE FOR TEARS IN THE WATER

This book hits like a breath of fresh air, particularly in its straightforward representation, and its tender depiction of first love, beautifully enabled by the intimacy of Alex's first-person perspective.

— Cinnamone Winchester,

reader and author in the works

This book was so cute while simultaneously handling heavy topics. It was a very raw, realistic and healthy portrayal or a queer relationship.

— Spiri, reader

It was everything I hoped for and more. A book I’ve needed for such a long time.

— Han, reader

It’s a very cozy slice of life with athletes that will leave you feeling hopeful and warm. Exactly the type of LGBT fiction we need more of!

— Drace, reader

Margherita depicts the main character Alex’s anxiety in a way that feels so raw, like looking into the deepest, darkest parts of yourself despite trying desperately not to for fear of what you’ll find. I have never felt so seen before.

— Aleksander Petit,

author of Silver-Lined Secrets

A honest and raw story about struggling to find your own identity, with a thoughtful portrayal of neurodivergence and anxiety that doesn't shy away from the ugliness of it. Scialla offers comfort to every outcast that they are worthy of love no matter how messy they are.

— Francesca Tacchi,

author of Let the Mountains Be My Grave

Two words to sum up this book would be hope and validation. Every queer person and especially any genderqueer folks, would gain something out of reading this story whether it’s validation, seeing yourself represented or just to read about the joy these characters get to experience and have the hope that things can get better and easier with time.

— Ffion Kent, reader

Both authentically raw and full of heart — TEARS IN THE WATER will sweep you off your feet. In between wonderfully written explorations of gender and sexuality, Scialla has crafted a story filled to the brim with lovable characters, each with their own struggles to discover and accept themselves. With a sweet romance at the center, be prepared to fall in love with this book. 

— Rafael Nicolás,

author of Angels Before Man

IMAGE DESCRIPTION OF THE COVER:

The cover shows a white ruled background (like a journal page), with polaroids on it.

Front: At the top left side, a photo shows Tate and Alex (cropped from shoulders down) sitting by the pool wearing swimsuits/trunks. On the right is the author’s name, Margherita Scialla. Below (always on the right side) there's a photo of Tate with an arm around Alex's shoulders, both of them with their backs towards us to show Tate wearing a shirt with Alex's last name on it and Alex wearing one with Tate's last name. On the left we have the title, Tears In The Water. Under it (always on the left side) is a photo showing Uriah, Xiuying and Sky having a picnic and chatting. Under it on the right is a blurred photo of Tate in action during a volleyball match.

Back: The top part of the page shows the synopsis, and under it is a polaroid showing a group photo with (from left to right) Uriah, Tate, Alex, Xiuying and Sky, standing next to each other with arms around each other's shoulders and waists.

PLAYLIST:

Anti-Hero by Taylor Swift

God Must Hate Me by Catie Turner

Control by Zoe Wees

Fake A Smile by Alan Walker & Salem Ilese

Happiest Year by Jaymes Young

Anxiety by Anna Clendening

Lost Control by Alan Walker & Sorana

Wonder by Shawn Mendes

Hold My Hand by Lady Gaga

Be There by Krewella

My Mind & Me by Selena Gomes

Iris by The Goo Goo Dolls

Fire On Fire by Sam Smith

Still Falling For You by Ellie Goulding

Check out the full playlist:

TEARS IN THE WATER

Margherita Scialla

copyright © 2023, Margherita Scialla

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or otherwise, without written permission of the author. It is illegal to copy this book, post it to a website, or distribute it by any other means without permission.

This novel is entirely a work of fiction. The names, characters and incidents portrayed in it are the work of the author's imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or localities is entirely coincidental.

paperback edition - ISBN: 9798361700639

ebook edition - ASIN: B0BMXVY8FM

first edition  (January 2023)

contact: www.margheritascialla.com

Story editing by Deb Nicholas

Cover art by Polina / @epsilynn on instagram

to all those people, young and not, who are confused about themselves: no matter how scary things might seem, there are people out there who will love you for who you are. Take all the time you need to understand yourself and don’t give up.

AUTHOR’S NOTE #1

This is a contemporary novel set in a fictional European country in the Mediterranean Sea.

The republic of Meratia is formed of one large main island and three minor ones.

The main language is English.

The age of adulthood, which allows people to drink legally and get a driving license, is 18.

The currency is Euro.

Some of the sports seasons described in this book don’t coincide with reality and the discrimination experienced by the characters is also toned down compared to what it’s really like, but since the story already takes place in an imaginary world, why not just make rules of my own?

IMAGE DESCRIPTION OF THE MAP:

Map of a part of Western Europe with the focus on countries surrounding the Mediterranean Sea. It shows a small piece of Spain, France and Italy, then the islands of Corsica and Sardinia on the right. In the center of the sea where nothing is supposed to be, there is a big fictional Island called Meratia, with one city marked: Corvol.

AUTHOR’S NOTE #2

This book contains topics some readers may find upsetting, such as discussion about gender identity and sexual orientation, body dysphoria, gender dysphoria, self-blame, repetitive self-hatred and negative thoughts, self-harm (not cutting), anxiety, anxiety/panic attacks, neurodivergent burnout, going non-verbal, anger issues, mentions of homophobia and transphobia, misgendering, brief sexual harassment, mention of diets, eating outside of meal times,  parental neglect, alcohol consumption (although all the characters can legally drink), cussing.

Please take care of yourself while reading.

Some of the above can be experienced in different ways depending on the person, so not everyone’s experience will be the same. I wrote this book mixing my personal experiences with those of people I know, or according to research I carried out, and I hope someone will relate to my portrayal of the topics in question.

ONE

I’ve always thought that swimming felt a lot like dreaming about moving. I physically moved my body and strained myself to go as fast and precisely as I could, but it always felt like the water pushed me forward, as if it were doing all the work for me. When my head was underwater, nothing mattered. No thoughts plagued my mind and nothing around me really registered. I just went forward, and turned, and then went forward again until my muscles burned and my body screamed at me to stop.

Back when I had just started, the thought of being so numb and out of it while swimming used to disturb me. I never talked to anyone about it, so I never got to figure out if this were normal or not, but it didn’t really matter anymore. The nothingness comforted me now and made the water feel as if it were a friend.

My hand touched the side of the pool and I stopped, head coming up to the surface to take a deep breath. I pulled myself out of the water to sit on the pool side, taking my swim cap and goggles off as I slowly caught my breath. Only two other lanes were occupied and neither swimmer seemed intent on stopping soon. Picking up my towel, I headed to the changing room. The hot water of a long shower helped me get the chlorine off my skin. I then dressed, choosing to towel dry my hair rather than use one of the hairdryers. My black hair ended right under my chin, so it was short enough to dry off quickly and easily on its own, especially considering it was still warm outside.

The city of Corvol wasn’t big or busy, but it was widely renowned for White Ravens University, a sports university that currently offered training in numerous different sports, where athletes didn’t have to worry about studying but focused solely on training.

It was currently August 21st and the exact middle of the first week of my second year at the university. Well, it wasn’t really the official first week yet. Since most of the athletes who were here to train professionally came from other cities, the university often opened its doors a week earlier for those who needed to settle into their rooms before the actual start. During that week we were given our training schedules and had the freedom to choose whether we wanted an early start of our own or not. In my opinion, the first week was always the best. I had a smaller chance of meeting people, especially the annoying ones I wanted to avoid, plus the pool, the gym and the canteen were all half empty, easing my social anxiety a little.

I was picking up my things to walk out of the building when my phone started ringing. I smirked at the sight of my roommate and best friend’s name on the screen.

Wow, you’re already awake? I greeted her jokingly.

Shut up, I only got up to call you, Xiuying mumbled from the other end of the line, her tone still sleepy. If you’re going to be annoying I’m going back to sleep.

I tried to hold the amusement from my tone at hearing her reply. It’s almost noon, isn’t it a little late to be in bed still?

I’m hanging up.

No, wait! I called out, laughing. I’m sorry!

I heard her groan, and I imagined her still resting in bed, like she often loved to, with her eyes closed and her phone casually balanced on her ear as she hugged her pillow.

You seem to be in a good mood today, she mumbled.

I just got out of the pool. I stopped outside the building for a moment, the sun on my face was warm and pleasant.

She made a sleepy sound of acknowledgment. "I don’t know anyone else who would be working so hard during the only time when the coaches aren’t breathing down our necks."

It’s not about working hard. I just enjoy being in the water.

Sure. Xiuying yawned and I rolled my eyes.

Despite the fact that she loved to sleep in whenever she could, Xiuying wasn’t lazy. But she was one of those people who did the things they needed to without spending more energy and time on them than necessary. She was an amazing swimmer and always trained seriously, but she didn’t agree with the extra time I always put in.

Worried she was about to fall asleep again while on the call, I kept talking as I walked away from the pool building. When are you going to get here?

Maybe tomorrow? Or the day after? I’m not sure. I have to see if my parents still need me to help them in the restaurant or not.

Let me know before you arrive, I moved my phone from one hand to the other to put my backpack on properly since it kept slipping off while I moved, so I can take my things off your bed.

Xiuying was suddenly fully awake, her voice higher. You’re using my bed again?

I almost snorted a laugh at her reaction. I haven’t put all my things away yet, and you know I don’t like leaving them on the floor, I explained, smile on my lips. I’ll clean everything before you come, I promise.

I heard muffled noises on the other end, as if Xiuying were trying to get up by pushing herself up with the hand that was holding the phone. Maybe you could tidy up your things and clean the room instead of swimming, she said after she was done moving.

Xiuying, we’re swimmers, I deadpanned, we swim.

Not in our free time!

I sighed at her dramatic reply. Alright, I’ll get everything done by tonight. Happy?

I’ll only be happy when I know my poor bed is alright, she countered, dramatically.

I shook my head in disbelief, but I couldn’t help the small smile on my face.

Have you checked out the new schedule? I asked her, looking at the paths in front of me, trying to remember which one would take me to my destination. The campus was very organized when it came to many things, but putting up signs and clear directions was not one of them.

Yeah, nothing much seems to have changed.

I hear they’ve moved us to the smaller gym in the second building, I continued, taking the path to my left. But at least we’ll be working out alone this time.

It’s not like there’s enough room for others to work out in there either way, Xiuying added. We’ll be lucky if all the people on the swimming course fit in there.

I guess we’ll find out soon, I replied. I wanted to pop to the gym today.

My friend sighed in defeat on the other end of the line. The gym, too? You need to rest, Alex. Rest!

I will, don’t worry, I assured her. And I never said I was going to work out, just that I wanted to see the gym.

I know you, idiot. You’re not fooling anyone.

Oh, I can’t hear you properly! I joked, moving the phone away from my face. The line’s terrible here!

Don’t you dare! She yelled back.

I can’t hear you well at all! I’ll call you back later, bye.

Alexand—

I hung up before she could finish screaming my name. A second later I received a notification.

XIUYING

sleep with one eye open!

I laughed and sent her a heart emoji as a reply, imagining all the creative curses she was probably throwing at her phone.

I tried my best to remember how to get to the second gym building, hoping not to get lost. The campus was huge and the buildings all looked the same. A full year at this university hadn’t been enough for me to remember where everything was, and the fact that I had no sense of direction didn’t help my current situation. I walked towards the gym, enjoying the quiet chatter around me and the breeze in my almost dry hair. I noticed a few familiar faces I was certain had been at uni the year before, but no one I knew personally.

I walked into the building, but stopped for a moment after a few steps, frowning at the unmistakable sound of gym equipment being used coming from further down on my left. The dread grew as I approached the door of the small gym the swimming team had been assigned to use. I stopped in front of the clear glass door and looked inside. The small space was full of guys working out.

Did I read the schedule wrong? I mumbled.

I took out my phone and logged into the university website to check directly from the source in case they had changed it. The schedule was still the same and it clearly said that the swimming team had been assigned this specific gym.

What the hell…

Is everything okay?

A voice made me jump in surprise and I turned to find a boy with broad shoulders, light skin and wavy dark red hair looking down at me. His big eyes were full of concern and I was momentarily so stunned by how good looking he was that I failed to reply.

A moment too late I realized I was staring at him and quickly looked away, feeling embarrassed.

Are you with them? I asked, pointing at the men inside the gym, my heartbeat quickening.

Yes, he replied a little hesitantly.

Why are you working out in our space? I asked, my tone accidentally accusing, making me regret even opening my mouth.

Please don’t respond with my same tone, please don’t be as harsh as I am…

"Your space?"

Before my mind could catch up with what my body was doing, I shoved my phone in his face to show him the schedule. Gym 4 in gym building 2 is for the swimming team. Did you misread the schedule? I couldn’t control my tone of voice and my sentences were coming out harsher than I'd intended— I cursed the little voice inside my head that was complaining about my behaviour without actually stopping me. My hands were still holding the phone to the boy’s face, but as I watched him, waiting for his reply, I noticed them starting to shake. I gripped my phone more tightly on instinct, as if that would suddenly make the trembling stop. The boy’s expression hardened and he gently pushed my arm out of the way.

Look, I understand you’re upset but we were assigned this gym, too. He then took out his phone and showed me the schedule that did, indeed, show the men’s volleyball team was supposed to be there on the same day.

My heart sank as I started to feel the trembling in my hands extend to the rest of my body. That can’t be right, there must be a mistake.

My heartbeat quickened by the second. I didn’t want to cause a scene— you already are, Alex — but the situation was getting to me. I told my brain to calm down and think, already knowing it probably wasn’t going to listen. What should one do in this kind of situation? How did other people handle having their plans disrupted?

Before my brain could reply, the guy spoke again. If it’s just you today you can work out with us.

Once again my mouth moved before I could stop it. Are you kidding me? There are so many of you! You’re already using every single machine! No one else is gonna fit in there.

Shit, Alex. Calm down, you’re attacking the guy. He hasn’t done anything wrong. You’re making everything worse. Please stop.

Why was I arguing with a stranger? Why was I even angry at this? The situation was so humiliating.

You need to change gym, I blurted out, voice shaking a little. I wanted to slap myself. Why can’t I shut up?

He was visibly shocked by my statement. "Excuse me? Why should we change gym? We’ve been using this one since last year. It would make more sense to have you find another place."

My brain was completely fried and finally my mouth seemed to be short of things to say too, leaving me opening and closing my mouth aimlessly like a fish.

He was clearly trying his hardest to stay calm and polite. I’m sorry about the problem. Maybe it was just a misunderstanding with the student’s office. We can go and ask together if that would make you feel better.

My throat closed up, a weight pressing against my chest. I needed to leave. I needed to go somewhere, anywhere, away from the gym and this boy. Away from everyone.

In one last attempt at talking, I ended up being rude again. Don’t bother, I’ll go on my own.

I spun around and walked away as quickly as possible. I snuck into the first bathroom I could find and ran into one of the stalls, hands shaking as I tried and failed to lock the door at the first attempt. I turned, back against the door, and shut my eyes so hard I could see stars behind them.

"Stupid, stupid, stupid, I chanted quietly, hitting myself on the head a few times. Why are you like this?"

Embarrassed, frustrated tears threatened to make an appearance but I forced them back, the burning feeling making me feel even worse.

I hope I never see him again, I mumbled to myself, biting my lip furiously. I’m such an idiot.

Instead of slowing down, my heartbeat sped up as I thought back at what had just happened and how I’d embarrassed myself. I reached into my bag for my earphones and played the hour long anxiety relief song that always managed to calm me down. I closed my eyes and forced myself to focus on the song and forget everything else, as I prayed to anyone who was listening that I would never have to meet him again, because I'd die of embarrassment on the spot if I did.

TWO

My heartbeat slowed around thirty minutes into the song, but I stayed in the stall with my earphones in for an extra ten until I felt okay enough to head back out. When I finally took them out I felt groggy, so washed my face with cold water to wake myself up but nothing much changed. Disoriented and suddenly exhausted, I decided to get it over with and go directly to the student’s office to ask about the schedule. I peeked out of the bathroom to make sure no one was around, then rushed out of the building as fast as I could.