The Life of Jake: Confusion

By Devante 'Devz' Reid

Growing up, Jake was a shy timid kid. It wasn't long before that person faded away. The traumatic events that occurred in his household and the domestic abuse he saw were too much to bear. He wanted to close his eyes forever, never to see those circumstances again. Nothing seemed to matter to anyone.

But then one day, he woke

• Language: English
• Publisher: Devante Reid
• Release date: Apr 14, 2023
• ISBN: 9781802279986

Book preview

IngramKDP-ebook_v2

THE LIFE OF JAKE

title-page

Copyright © 2022 Devante Devz Reid

All rights to this book are reserved. No permission is given for any part of this book to be reproduced, transmitted in any form or means, stored in a retrieval system, photocopied, recorded, scanned or otherwise. Any of these actions require the proper written permission of the author.

Website: www.dsixseveness.com

YouTube: DSixSevenEss TV

Instagram: Devzisanti12

Spotify: ANTi

Infinite Possibilities

ISBNs:

978-1-80227-997-9 (paperback)

978-1-80227-998-6 (eBook)

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

Iwould like to give my heartfelt thanks to the team who helped me put this book together.

Thank you to Martyn Beeny for marketing, Phillip Gessert for formatting and typesetting the book, Cassandra Rigg for her input with the developmental editing, Kieran Devaney for giving it all a final proofread before publication and, lastly, thank you to the Publishing Push team for making this possible.

Many thanks to all and to everyone else who contributed in ways which they will never know.

To everyone mentally and physically scarred…

Tears show you’re weak…

Actually, it’s vulnerability.

Table of

Contents

Prologue

Part 1: Confusion

1: Lost Soul

2: Fresh Start

3: Time to Grow Up

4: Time to Let Go

5: Apprentice

6: Bridges Burnt or A Lesson Learnt?

7: All Burns in the End

Prologue

Each day, we run around endlessly chasing, chasing, chasing with no real reason for our actions. We are lost in this world trying to find a meaning for living how we do. No answers are ever found as we run, never stopping for a moment to see what the actual reason for running is. As we try to find our way, all seems to lose itself with only one thing being persistent: searching for a means. Will he find the reason for his chasing…?

Jake. Growing up, he was always the odd one out, misunderstood, as he floated through life with no sense of what it was like to live. Death was his mindset; lost in a world which made him feel small, powerless… Poisonous were their words, slowly sinking their way deep into his subconscious, finding their way to the deeply suppressed anger. Fear was the route he went down and accepted. School, home, alone, there was no escape from the negative vibrations that surrounded him. In his mind, he was suffering in every direction and it soon leaked out into his physical reality. He carried on running. How could anything become better? It seemed to get worse in his teens, but then would seem to become better as he got introduced to the streets and money. A smile hit his face, one that hadn’t been present for plenty of years — but how long would this smile last?

Part 1:

Confusion

Confusion stems from trying to figure out what is unknown to oneself…

1

Lost Soul

Not till we are lost, in other words, not till we have lost the world, do we begin to find ourselves, and realize where we are and the infinite extent of our relations.

—Henry David Thoreau

Seeing his mother battered and bruised, anger and aggression found their way deep inside of this boy. Being the eldest of three kids, Jake was always the one in the wrong.

Will I do anything right? he’d ask himself, arms hung down by his side and his face drooping to the floor, still replaying things he saw on a daily basis. Things he couldn’t speak about. He was stuck in a sunken place with no way out… Jake had always been the playful energetic type, running round recklessly, always needing to do something physical to keep himself entertained, but all was about to change. As he walked home from school one afternoon, his heart started pumping faster and faster as he got closer. With tears dripping unknowingly and sirens blaring in every direction, he couldn’t think. He ran and ran. In the distance, he could see an ambulance pulling away from his house.

Please, no, he whispered.

Feeling sick and dizzy as he got closer to his house, all was moving around him like everything was vibrating. The tears mixed with the sweat. The inevitable couldn’t be happening as he pictured a scenario playing out in his mind. Running into the house — bang went the door as it smashed against the wall — running into the living room, he saw the man, the demon. He stopped bluntly in his tracks; their eyes locking for a moment. Before Darius could open his mouth, Jake ran, chasing the ambulance, so close but so far, as it drove into the distance.

Sadness overtook anger; he was drowning. He slowly walked back to his house, heart pounding, scared of what could occur as he entered through the prison gates. Scared but with nowhere else to go, he had to take the risk. He walked in slowly and tiptoed up the stairs, hiding under his quilt where darkness was all he could see. Nowhere in this house did he feel free.

He heard the footsteps coming up the stairs and his throat knotted.

Darius entered, smashing the door open. Don’t you dare tell anyone I did this, or else!

As he listened to the thunder walk back downstairs, his whole body shivered uncontrollably. With no one to talk to, imprisoned in his house alone, time was all he had.

Hours had passed. He had fallen asleep under his quilt and woke up sweating in shock like he had just seen a ghost in his dreams. Darius’ words replayed on a loop: Or else.

If he talked, it wouldn’t end well. If he stayed quiet, it wouldn’t end well. It was like Jake was living in limbo, stuck in the middle ground with no way to experience the light or the dark within. Young and fragile with dark thoughts. There’s no way I can do anything. You can… act! How? Why, why us? A thousand thoughts ran through his mind but no answers came to any of them.

He didn’t even have an answer as to whether his mother was okay. His phone lay next to him. Tentatively, he picked it up, but no, he was too scared to look at it. Or else passed through his mind creating a hypnotic jerk, making him drop his phone with a loud noise. He froze; his whole body going numb. Once again, he could hear footsteps walking up the stairs — yet, minutes had passed and no one had come. He was still in the same position, still hearing footsteps but nothing there. His mind was endlessly playing tricks.

The next morning, he awakened, stunned, happy, sad. Mixed emotions flowed through his body as he heard the front door opening. He ran downstairs nearly missing his step, a big grin on his face until… There she stood. His mother, looking beaten down, depressed and feeling trapped. She tried to put a strong act on, but Jake knew she was crying deep down inside. His face went red like the devil he was perceived to be; thoughts drifting to the terrible things he wanted to do to this man who had imprisoned his family.

Mum! Jake cried.

I am fine. I tripped over, Faith responded as her face twitched, eyes helpless but not pleading for sympathy. Both parties scared.

Stop lying, Jake whispered as he put his face in his hands to cry until a deep voice came from the living room, silencing them both.

For a moment, the only sound was of their hearts pumping heavily. He was listening. What were the consequences? they wondered.

How could you be so silly to fall down the stairs? Darius asked with a big grin, glancing over at Jake on the stairs.

Mmm, murmured Faith, walking past Darius and entering the living room like he didn’t exist.

As he followed her, he took a look at Jake, their eyes connecting for a moment.

What happened, Mother? Did you fall? Jake asked, forcing himself up off of the stairs and following them both.

Faith looked anxiously over to Darius.

Ignoring the barely audible, You dare, from Darius, he asked her again, his insides anguished. There must be a way, he thought as he looked into his mother’s eyes, seeing all the pain there.

All stayed silent, his mother anxious and scared, Jake feeling the same. The only sound came from outside — the morning rush hour chaos with horns beeping, people shouting. Jake looked out of the window. It was like he was watching his life pass through someone else’s eyes.

Faith burst into tears. Instantly, he ran to give his mother a hug.

Mum, you okay?

What are you are crying for now? seethed Darius, storming out of the room.

Jake looked over with anger on his face and in his heart, vengeful thoughts flowing, but fear kept him grounded. He wanted to speak but words couldn’t come out.

Faith hugged Jake tightly, unable to let go. He knew one hundred percent that all the bruises and pain were caused by Darius. But how to escape this love–hate relationship? they both wondered.

Young and timid, he was constantly in defence mode and knew he couldn’t protect his family; he felt like a newborn pup who needed his mother, but he knew all would change one day. Revenge is sweet…

When can I go to my dad’s, Mum? Jake said quietly.

Whenever you want to. You and Josh need to leave for a little.

That’s fine. When?

Ring him. See if you both can go tonight or tomorrow morning. Take a couple of days off school. Just a couple, Jake! she added, smiling. Back Monday.

Two weeks passed by and there was no sign of his father. He had been endlessly in his thoughts — his means of getting away from what seemed like torture. Home from school, Jake walked through the door looking like a zombie, drained and tired of life itself.

Mum, did you ring my dad? It’s been two weeks since you said we should go.

Yes, I did. He’s coming today.

Darius barged through the kitchen door, a spliff hanging out of his mouth. Josh isn’t going anywhere, he shouted. He’s my son, not his. That’s final!

Mum, that isn’t true, is it? Jake asked, stunned.

Getting no response, he wanted to run upstairs to be close to his brother. He just wanted to hug him and tell him he loved him. It couldn’t be true…

Mum, answer the question!

Shut up, I don’t want to hear this!

Just answer then, what’s so hard? His eyes welled with tears.

F*ck off, Jake. Faith lost it.

Jake removed himself from the chaos in the room, running upstairs to see his brother who was playing his games.

You good, Josh? Jake asked in a sad tone.

Yes, yes, yes, I’m happy, Josh responded in an energetic tone of voice, creating a numbness within Jake as he tried to picture the happy times which never seemed to exist.

Get your things together, Faith shouted up the stairs. Josh, you’re staying here, she added fiercely with aggressive undertones; the result of years of enduring a broken mind and broken home.

Jake still fought to keep his smile present and to reassure his little brother. Okay, Mum. Josh, I’ll be back soon.

But why am I not allowed to go, Jake?

You just wouldn’t understand, Josh. Politics.

Hurry up, Josh. Get out of here, Faith shouted after she stormed up the stairs.

When he’s here, I’ll come down.

You don’t belong here questioning me!

But all I need to know is the truth, and I’m staying up here till he’s here!

He waited hours for his father to arrive, sitting in his room and staring at the ceiling, hearing everything that was happening around him but feeling detached.

The front door had barely opened before Faith let rip. Speak to your son, Michael. His attitude at school is beyond a joke. I’m sick of the calls!

Jake nodded knowing what it was as he came back to the moment.

Bye, Josh, Jake said with his face down, managing to keep his smile present.

Bye, Jake.

I will do, Jake heard his father say from a distance, What’s he done now?

He just doesn’t stop, the teachers said. I think I’m going to send him to the doctors soon. You take him now!

Okay, where’s Josh?

He won’t be coming with you today. He’s ill.

With lies so easily told, who knew what was the truth? Although Jake felt sad inside that Faith was deceiving his father, he kept his truth hidden, and kept his smile on his face as he looked at his father who knew something wasn’t right.

Is he awake?

Yes, you want to see him?

Yes.

Josh slowly made his way down the stairs, shy and uncertain whether he was allowed, subconsciously sensing the energy around.

How are you, son? Michael said with high energy.

I’m okay, just tired.

Michael gave him a hug. Faith and Darius watched on, feeling disappointed within, as both felt the feelings they didn’t intend to feel.

Goodbye, Josh. I will see you soon, I promise.

Bye.

Now take him away. I’m sick of the sight of him! Questioning me!

But Mum, why can’t you answer? Jake asked.

Michael stared at Faith awaiting an answer. Faith made eye contact with Michael for a split second before slamming the door on the pair. Confusion hit Jake’s heart; all he wanted to do was help his mother’s situation, but all her energy went on making him look like the bad one… Love hurts.

They walked away from the house in silence, each quietly reeling from their own exchanges with Faith.

What’s the matter, Jake? You look down. What’s been going on?

I’m okay, Dad. Just, school is long. I hate it.

Mm, okay, you sure? I think there’s more than that. How’s Darius been? There’s something I dislike about that man.

Michael observed as his son twitched and looked around with an anxious smile.

It’s just what it is. I hate him.

You mustn’t say that, Jake.

Sorry, Dad, but I do.

Son, the more hate you hold, the more poison you hold. Understand?

Silence fell again as they walked to the bus stop.

Jake and Michael managed to escape the blustering rain and winds as they entered the café which sold Jake’s favourite food. His face lit up in anticipation of indulging. They sat companionably at a big round table, half an eye on the conspiracy documentary playing on the television opposite. The smell of the peri-peri chicken lingered in the air as each inhale placed Jake more into the moment.

How’s school been then, son?

I just dislike it. I don’t see the point, if I’m honest with you, Dad.

Son, school is key to unlocking all you want in this lifetime.

Doesn’t seem like any of it applies to me.

Just keep going, son. In the end, you’ll be grateful, Michael urged as Jake’s thoughts drifted to the question he really wanted to ask.

Ready to order? interrupted the waiter.

Yes. What do you want, Jake?

Peri chicken and chips, of course!

Two of them, please.

Okay, thank you. That will be around fifteen minutes.

That’s fine.

Jake stared at the café window; the rain hitting against it making it hard to see out to the street. He wanted to ask the question but couldn’t find the words.

Son, why you so quiet? You have something to say, don’t you?

No, Dad, it’s just… I’m tired.

Speak up! What have I taught you, son?

The food arrived, breaking up the intensity of the moment, but Jake just moved his chicken around the plate, staring, fiddling, not really eating much.

You’ve hardly touched your food. That’s your favourite, son. What’s up?

I can’t eat. I do have something to ask but promise you won’t shout at me, Dad?

I won’t. Carry on…

Is Josh your son or not?

Jake’s words hit Michael at his core, jolting him out of his promise to keep his emotions steady. What a silly question!

Enraged, he pushed his food away, grabbed his coat and left the café with Jake hastily following.

How come you shouted at me for asking you a question, Dad? You said I can ask you anything then you moan when I do. Mum is the same! Then you both wonder why I am the way I am!

The emotions stayed high, and intelligence stayed low. Michael was caught up in the words that came out of Jake’s mouth instead of the motive behind the words. It had him lost. To Jake’s mind, he was just asking a straightforward question.

They sat side by side, waiting for the bus, staring angrily ahead, different hurts but both suffering the same.

When the bus came, Jake climbed to the top deck, face sad and droopy; his father stayed downstairs, staring intently at the birds flying in the distance, looking like he was ready to fight anyone who got in his way. Still not allowing himself to ask why, just why, did he ask that. Emotions kept him from finding the truth or understanding.

Sitting at the top on his own, Jake wondered why people wouldn’t just answer his questions. He could see the situations playing out and only wanted to be in the know. Michael, meanwhile, was in the opposite position, wondering how his son had the cheek to question him.

I’m the father, the cheek of it, he whispered quietly. I should question him, not the other way around.

Michael had the opportunity to put his sense of self aside in order to get the answers he wanted, but pride stood in the way, trapping his child in the crossfire.

Their stop was coming up, so Jake went down the stairs, pushing past his father like he didn’t exist. Michael looked at him as if he was about to blow, emotions barely suppressed. He was a cup taking all the liquid in but eventually the cup would fill and spill out some way or another. Would it be the right way of release or a passive way?

Hours went by, Michael sitting in his same seat with the same programmes playing in the background, but something was off. He wasn’t in a trance. Jake’s question was still playing on his mind, back and forth. He went to the fridge, trying to numb the thoughts through alcohol. The intoxication seemed to just make it worse. He had had enough.

"Son, why did you ask