Letters I Never Sent

By Amir

I used to have a REALLY bad habit of writing impulse-letters based upon how I was feeling at that moment about a particular situation and sending them out before I had a chance to calm down and think rationally about things. For example, I'd get in a fight over the phone with my girlfriend then I'd write down everything that I felt about the situation, regardless of how it came off, and would put a lot of things in there that I felt about the situation, regardless of how it came off, and would put a lot of things in there that I probably shouldn't have. By the time she'd get the letter, the situation would usually already be over and it would just spark the drama up all over again. More often than not, the letters I wrote out of emotion instead of using logic ended up making situations worse than they already were, so instead of actually putting these letters in the mail I began to save them. Eventually, I had so many of them that I was finding them everywhere, even when I wasn't looking for them. This book is a compilation of many of those letters, along with new ones I've written to family, old friends, exes, etc. I've also included letters to my past, present, and future selves as well.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Amir
• Release date: Oct 4, 2022
• ISBN: 9781005841225

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Copyright © 2022 Amir

Smashwords Edition

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

Thank you for downloading this eBook. This book remains the copyrighted property of the author, and may not be redistributed to others for commercial or non-commercial purposes. If you enjoyed this book, please encourage your friends to download their own personal copy from their favorite authorized retailer.

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General Disclaimer:

Yea, so um...

As much as I would love to pull a Drake and just air out all of my dirty laundry, I don’t know exactly how comfortable a few of my exes might be with me setting out the private particulars of our relationships that I placed inside these letters...

Therefore and whereto...

Some of the names in this book have been changed in order to protect the identity of those whom certain letters were meant for. These names are marked with an asterisk next to the name at the top of the pages containing letters to these particular women, as well as in the table of contents. Any resemblance in the nature of these letters to events that have actually happened to females who really have the names I have made up for the purpose of this book is purely coincidental.

These were just names that I came up with off the top of my head, and are not associated in any way, shape, or form to any women I know in my personal life. I do not know (nor have I ever known) anyone possessing the names within this book that have the asterisk next to them (unless, by chance, they were middle names that I was not aware of).

I Dedicate This Book To:

God...

My parents...

Aunt Pat & Uncle Emerson...

Algeretta, Lexi, Myeara, & Brittanie

Mrs Rosemary. Reynolds (R.I.P.)

Ms. Bertie Perham (R.I.P.)

Mr. Bai Ackridge (R.I.P.)

Aunt Beverly (R.I.P.)

Ryan (R.I.P.)

Jalen (R.I.P.)

Those who doubted...

Those who cheered me on...

And every person I never got the chance to send these letters to...

This Book Is For You...

Why I Wrote This Book...

One thing I have come to realize throughout my life is that most of us human beings are quite voyeuristic in nature (not in a sexual sense, although I know there are those who fall into that category...to each his own...)...In other words, we love knowing all about other people’s business...especially their bullsh*t, flaws, scandals, downfalls, etc. Hence, the popularity of reality shows, social media, fake news, Jerry Springer, Maury and the like...It gives us someone and something to point the finger at and either say, "Hey, I’m going through the same thing!", or breathe a sigh of relief and say, "At least I’m not THAT f*cked up!"...

So I decided to write this book to satisfy the curiosity and hunger of those who wish to know some of the inner-workings of the mind of a man who has suffered from making one horribly bad choice after another throughout his whole life until he eventually ended up in prison...Regardless of how this book is received, it has taken a huge weight off of my shoulders in terms of the things I had kept bottled up inside for a long time and also allowed me to be transparent about who I really am, how my mind works, the person I was, and the person I’m striving to be ...

One of my biggest flaws has always been making emotionally impulsive and irrational decisions, especially in my relationships. Being in prison has only magnified that in a sense of the fact that I used to write letters when I was in my feelings, but never send them...the one I’d usually send off would probably be about the 3rd or 4th draft of what I originally was planning to tell that particular person...usually a female I was in a relationship with at the time...More often than not, the letter I sent usually still ended up making the situation worse than if I had just took a step back and left it alone when I initially felt a way about it...There have been many times when me and my girlfriend at the time have worked through a situation just to be right back at each other’s throats a couple of days later when she got the letter in the mail telling her what was really on my mind.

At first, I’d throw all of the rough drafts away, but then I realized that there was an abundance of rough draft letters I’d missed that I’d find when going through my paperwork looking for other stuff. Some I hadn’t even finished and had just written in the moment to get my thoughts and emotions out. So I started to put all of these letters in a folder by themselves, and eventually I had so many of them that it sparked the idea for this book. So yea...this is a compilation of many scribes I have written while incarcerated during the course of different relationships when I was pissed off, depressed, lonely, hurt, etc...many of which have never seen the light of day outside of my cell until now...as well as a variety of letters I decided to write to people I felt I needed to make amends to, wanted to reconnect with, etc. Being locked up, I lost contact with a lot of people I’ve known at different points in my life...and I am an extremely different person now than who I was back then...

I still find myself writing those impulse letters (well...e-mails now that we have our tablets) from time to time, but I’ve learned to start taking a deep breath and realize that maybe I’m looking at things the wrong way and weigh my options before I just immediately react to whatever it might be. With all that being said, hopefully you enjoy taking this journey into the mind of me...with its many twists and turns...

This book is broken down into 3 parts...Letters to my past, present, and future selves...letters to my exes (including one in particular of whom I found it extremely hard to break the toxic cycle I was repeating with her, as you’ll be able to see...), and letters to family, old friends, etc... These sections not only include letters I have written when I was at the height of feeling certain emotions about the situations addressed within them, but also amends letters to people I’ve lost contact with, and things in general that I’ve held within and wanted to get off my chest for a long time.

As previously stated in the disclaimer, certain names have been changed in order to provide a layer of privacy for the person of whom particular letters are meant for...Also, although I have changed some of the language I originally used (and censored it to a degree), some of the thoughts I express in this book are "for mature audiences only"...

Enjoy...

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Copyright

Disclaimer

Dedications

Why I Wrote This Book...

Dear Past Amir,

To Old Flames,

Dear Deshea, (R.I.P.)

Dear ‘Trina,

Dear Algeretta,

Dear Tarsha,

Dear Ashley B.,

Dear Stephanie Q.,

Dear Melanie,

Dear Amara,

Dear ‘Neesha,

Dear Iesha J.,

Dear Queenie*,

Dear Tyreesha*,

Dear Charlotte*,

Dear Shanika*,

Dear Aniyah*,

Dear Laniqua*,

Dear Present Amir,

To Family, Friends, Etc,

To My Victims,

To My Parents,

To My Adopted Family,

Dear Ashley (My Cousin),

Dear Crystal,

Dear Deron,

Dear Casey,

Dear June,

Dear Jasmine S.,

Dear Jannie,

Dear Paulette,

Dear Adjoua,

Dear Ladonna,

Dear Stephanie B.,

To My Birth Mother (and Father),

To My Birth Siblings,

Dear Future Amir,

Acknowledgments...

About Amir...

Current / Future Projects...

The Dark Side of Light... (Sneak Peek)

(Un)Spoken Word... (Sneak Peek)

We Once Were Human, Too... (Sneak Peek)

Prison Messed My Feet Up...: The Mixtape (Sneak Peek)

THESE (definitely) ARE (not) POEMS... (Sneak Peek)

Contact Me

Dear Past Amir,

Friday, September 20th, 2019

Mood: Thinking...

Song: T.I. ft. Justin Timberlake Dead and Gone

Dear You,

Man, I’m HELLA disappointed in you...for REAL...I’m not really sure if I’m more angry at you for f*cking up almost every good opportunity that came your way, for not realizing the unconditional love your adopted family had for you regardless of how many times you messed up, or for not activating the potential you had within you until you got to prison. Looking back, I can see how in every life situation you were in you strayed away from the path that was laid out for you and ventured towards the BS over and over again. Even in relationships, you didn’t want the good women that came into your presence, but you latched onto all the ones that did you bad for dear life.

I honestly don’t know how you made it as far as you did, except to say that God must have had his hands on you because we both know you should have probably been dead or in a worst position than you are currently in with all the sh*t that you’ve gotten into. If I could turn back the hands of time, I can’t necessarily pinpoint one specific situation or event that I would go back to and redo that would change the outcome of everything...but if I had to choose, I’d probably go back to right after you graduated high school. At the very least, I would have made sure you didn’t spend up all those savings bonds on bullsh*t and that you would have stayed in college. That way, you would have at least had your architecture degree and your life would have been a lot better than it is now. You would have been much more on track than the path you stumbled down, especially once you made the decision to move to St. Louis. You completely lost yourself when you moved there, and it’s a wonder that with all the sh*t you got into that you didn’t end up in prison a long time ago...or dead, shot the f*ck up in an alley somewhere.

They say hindsight is 20/20, and I’m writing this while imagining that I’m sitting directly across from you...the teenage Amir before the first tattoo and the 12’s in the Galant and the suitcases full of liquor for New Years and sleeping half the day then working at the club all night...the Amir before you lost your virginity in the parking lot of a burned-up Pizza Hut and before you started smoking Apple Black & Milds that you got from Jamal while leaning out your bedroom window so your parents wouldn’t smell it...the Amir that was still being homeschooled and was in and out of private school; who begged to graduate from a public high school like his friends...

The Amir that couldn’t wait until the weekend so you could bowl on your team or go camping with the Scouts...the Amir that used to have to go with your mother to craft fairs, and breathed a sigh of relief when your father came and got you in the afternoon... the Amir that used to go play with Aaron and Terry down the street, but had to be in before the street lights came on...the Amir who could spend the whole day alone and be ok with it, especially if you had your computer...

The Amir before Rocawear_King and VIPstatus_04...before _Shad and Yes_IamaManwhore...before Mr_WipeMeDown and Chaotic.Mindstate... before the streets... the hustles... the clubs... robbing... slanging... before you became Teezy...before you knew what it was like to go before a judge and have them read off your charges, or sit in an interrogation room for hours, or be handcuffed in a bullpen full of guys that has a urinal with piss all over the seat and sh*tty tissue floating in the water...before you had a record...before you knew what the world was REALLY like...

To be honest? I don’t know if there’s any amount of talking or yelling or punishments or whoopings that could have changed you. If you hadn’t experienced the sh*t that led up to what I’m currently experiencing, working towards my 10th year of being locked up for this case, I doubt you would have even took the started taking the steps necessary to make such a drastic course correction...unless you had gotten shot or something. Which is why even though I understand now why you acted the way you did, I have no pity for you...because you were given the world on a silver platter and didn’t even know it. Well, I wouldn’t say you didn’t know it...I’ll say you were too ungrateful and hard-headed to realize the blessing that you constantly kept sh*tting on...

Everybody kept telling you how spoiled you were, but you didn’t even believe it until you got out into the world on your own and saw what it REALLY felt like to struggle and be doing bad. Man, even when you was still in Milwaukee you wasn’t all the way down because you still had people who cared about you who wouldn’t let you fall to the bottom...once you left the state? All bets were off...especially moving to a city and state where you didn’t have any family and friends at, on some kamikaze, Aaron-Rodgers-Hail-Mary, fairy-tale-ride-off-into-the-sunset relationship sh*t...

Even when you got out of the Workhouse and was homeless...sleeping up in that vaco... God STILL ain’t turn his back on you and made sure you ain’t starve by blessing you with that job at that church working in the pantry and also wit that lawn care job wit ol’ boy uncle...but even then, you were so lost that you spent more time trying to mess with females, drink, smoke, and kick it than trying to get back on your feet. And that’s been the story of your life for real...especially back when you were working at them clubs for Grady...which is why you never really had any difficulty getting a female of your liking, but keeping her was a different story because you’d never fully matured to the point of growing up, getting yourself together, and being independent...so you always ended up settling for whatever female would let you lay up in her crib without paying no bills and just give her that rent d*ck...just like most of them other lazy dudes out there that ain’t about nothing...doing just enough to get by, then got the nerve to bring kids into the world.

Although it’s tragic that Charlotte* had that miscarriage, it was probably for the best...because can you honestly say that you would want to drag a child through my current situation and be viewed as just another statistic of being a father who is trying to play that role from behind bars? Especially with the chance that he/she would have grown up hating you for missing out on key events in their life...

With the path you were headed down, this prison sh*t is probably the best thing to have happened to you, because it gave you the opportunity to grow into me...who will eventually grow into the future version of me once I have fully gotten all of the negative traits, attributes, and mindsets connected to you that have only gotten stronger over the years out of my system. I can’t say that I hate you because regardless of if I like it or not, you are a part of me...and I can’t forget you, because I’ll always want and need a reminder of where I came from to keep me pushing for better...but I will say that in order to finally live the type of life I want to live and have the peace of mind I yearn for, I need to continue severing my ties to you and ensure that they NEVER grow back...

Sincerely,

You...

TO OLD FLAMES...

The majority of these letters I have never sent, and I never really intended for them to see the light of day...

Some were written while in the midst of arguments or f*cked up situations between me and the person they were meant for, and some are just a compilation of things I’ve wanted to say to that particular woman that I never got a chance to express...

Either way it goes, it helped me to get all of it out of my system so I can let go of a lot of the things that have weighed me down mentally and emotionally for so long...

I tend to love hard when I get in relationships, so when things go sour, especially in prison, it takes a lot for me to regain my emotional composure...

So these letters help me to be able to look back and see what thinking errors I have while in the midst of working through uncomfortable situations, and they also allow me to see how far gone I get when I am in love...

Friday, September 6th, 2019

Dear Deshea,

I put off writing this letter for a long time, mostly because I had so many mixed emotions when it comes to you...Even now, I hesitate while writing this because it’s hard to deal with bringing up that chapter of my life again when I was with you...When Paulette told me you got killed I didn’t even know how to react because I had finally gotten to a point to where I had gotten you out of my system and the way everything happened it was so sudden that it took a long time before I even got over the initial shock to the point of where I could believe that you were gone...and it hurt even more because I couldn’t go to the funeral, even though I know it probably would have crushed me to see you in that casket. I actually started this letter on February 28th of this year, but today is your birthday...so I figured it was due time to finish it...

I don’t know how things work as far as the universe is concerned after people die, but I did sit in my cell and have a full conversation with your spirit a few days after I found out you were gone. Looking back now, the majority of what took place during our relationship was my fault...I was the one that was on some bullsh*t first... even going into the relationship... because I was riding the fence due to the fact that I was still messing with Charlotte*... It wasn’t that I was even trying to be with her, because our relationship had been dead for a while, but me and her had made a deal on some money sh*t, and after I split it with her I was going to move out and get my own place. That’s no excuse for still messing with her, though...because I should have never even let it get as far as it did with us before finishing up things with her...I was hooked on you, though...and I didn’t want to let you go...especially after we started getting it in...Then, when I ended up losing my job and getting audited right after that? that’s when things took a turn for the worse...

Even though our relationship wasn’t the best it was still a breath of fresh air compared to what I had been through with Charlotte*...and I felt like I was stuck in between a rock and a hard place with my situation with her because I wanted to leave so bad but at the time I didn’t have anywhere else to go and our relationship was still brand new to the point of where I ain’t want to just up and try to move in with you so quick...so it’s like I almost had to live a double life, and that affected what we had to a vast degree...then, I guess after we had broke up the first time I went into overdrive to try to get you back and that’s what lead to this whole situation...

After I got locked up, I was upset with you for burning out after only 6 months, but you ain’t the one who got me locked up...and the fact that I was snapping in a couple of those letters I sent ain’t make it any better. I just wish that you would have told me you were moving on instead of me having to find out from having my friend go on your Facebook page...but at the end of the day, I got myself into this situation...so as much as it hurt, I couldn’t fault you for moving on with your life...especially after you found out how much time I was potentially facing.

I wish things had ended up differently between us and I definitely apologize for all of the bullsh*t I brought to the relationship...you deserved better than what I gave you, and if I had to do it all over again I would have just waited until I was completely done with Charlotte before beginning our relationship so that I could give you all of me...I made a promise to myself on the day that I sat in the cell and spoke to your spirit that when I got out I would bring blue and purple tulips to your gravesite every year on your birthday, because those were the colors you wore on my birthday two days before I got locked up, and I still have that picture we took that you had put on your Facebook page (I wish I could have gotten the other ones we took that night)...

I miss you...

Rest in Peace ‘Shea...

I Will Always Love You...

Amir ...

Thursday, February 28th, 2019

Dear ‘Trina,

Hey beautiful, how are you? I trust all is well with you and yours... It’s been a while since we spoke last. To be honest, I