Swipe Left: My Misadventures in Online Dating and Why I Chose Myself Instead

By Selina Krinock

Swipe Left: My Misadventures in Online Dating and Why I Chose Myself Instead

Did you find the love of your life on a dating app? Then this book isn't for you.

This is a chronicle of my online dating escapades, disappointments and disasters. I tried all the apps and websites the experts suggested. I dated men f

• Language: English
• Publisher: Violet Publishing Inc
• Release date: Feb 2, 2021
• ISBN: 9781735580418

Selina Krinock

Selina Krinock is a writer, poet, and author. She earned a Bachelor of Science in English from Slippery Rock University. She loves 80's music and movies, concert tickets, and Hershey Kisses. When she's not glued to her keyboard, you can find her scrapbooking, or planning her next epic road trip. Selina lives in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania with her two children, a spoiled dog, and two eccentric cats. She has prior career experience in multiple fields: middle school teacher, corporate training specialist, quality analyst, and currently, super mom. Swipe Left is her debut offering. Find out more about her on her website: selinakrinock.com.

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SWIPE LEFT

My Misadventures in Online Dating and

Why I Chose Myself Instead

Selina Krinock

Violet Publishing, Inc

PITTSBURGH, PENNSYLVANIA

Copyright © 2020 by Selina Krinock

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed or transmitted in any form or by any means, without prior written permission.

Selina Krinock/Violet Publishing, Inc.

4885-A McKnight Road #284

Pittsburgh, PA/15237

www.violetpublishinginc.com

Book Layout © 2017 BookDesignTemplates.com

Cover Design © 2020 Daniel O. Ojedokum IG @danny_mediapro

Author photo ©2019 2 Create a Memory Photography: Amanda Kline

Swipe Left: My Misadventures in Online Dating and Why I Chose Myself Instead/ Selina Krinock. -- 1st ed.

ISBN 978-1-7355804-0-1

This book is dedicated to all the single women who still believe in love but won’t put up with the bullshit.

With special thanks to Lizzo, P!nk, and Miranda Lambert

for leading the charge.

The woman you’re becoming will cost you people, relationships, spaces, and material things. Choose her over everything.

―UNKNOWN

CONTENTS

SETTING THE STAGE

CAPTAIN THOUGHTFUL: THE BEGINNING

CAPTAIN THOUGHTFUL: VIRTUAL RECONNECTION

HOUSTON HOTTIE: LONG-DISTANCE ROMANCE

GINGER SMURF: HELLO AND GOODBYE

A WORD ABOUT SAFETY

LEAVE IT TO LANCE: SUBWAY SINS

GINGER SMURF: JAIL TIME AND JEALOUSY

DONNIE DARKO: WORKPLACE ROMANCE

GINGER SMURF: THE SOFTER SIDE

DRUMMER BOY: NO BOUNDARIES

THONG MAN: SUMMER LOVIN’

A WORD ABOUT FETISHES

GINGER SMURF UPPING THE ANTE

JUSTIN BIEBER CELEBRITY ROMANCE

GINGER SMURF: HOMECOMING

GINGER SMURF: MAKING ADJUSTMENTS

GINGER SMURF: CAUGHT IN A LIE

THE COST OF GINGER SMURF

CAPTAIN THOUGHTFUL: RECONNECTING

CAPTAIN THOUGHTFUL: CROSSING THE MISSISSIPPI

CAPTAIN THOUGHTFUL: IT’S NEVER REALLY OVER

DISHONORABLE MENTIONS: THE (UN)USUAL SUSPECTS

FLYING SOLO: ALL THE SINGLE LADIES

EPILOGUE

DISCLAIMER

These stories are based on my own personal dating encounters and relationships over a period of about six years. I have given all of these men aliases or bestowed them with nicknames that I called them behind their backs. Physical characteristics, places, and event details have also been altered to protect the guilty/innocent.

In other words, I don’t want to call anyone out by name, so if you say nothing, then I say nothing. Seems fair to me.

If you do happen to read this and recognize yourself, you are free to write you own memoirs and a rebuttal as you deem appropriate.

Now, let’s get down to business…turn the page.

CHAPTER ONE

SETTING THE STAGE

I

can count the number of boyfriends I had before I got married on one hand, and still have a spare finger. I’m not certain if that is something to be proud of or embarrassed about. It’s true, nonetheless. I would like to think it’s because I have excellent radar and only date quality men, but that’s not the case. As a plus-size woman in a thin-centric society, I discovered that the world of online dating is a particularly heinous minefield. 

I didn’t think I was ugly, but I didn’t think I was pretty, either. My five-foot-four stature put me on the short side and my size 22 curves kept me out of the fashionable clothing stores. My medium brown hair was shoulder length and permed. (It was the 90s, after all.) I liked my hazel eyes because they changed shades from bright green to borderline brown depending on my mood. Based on everything I saw on TV and read in popular magazines, I was not satisfied with the rest of me. I prayed that someone would be able to look past my fatness and see the great person I was underneath.

I married my husband in 1998 when we used to tie up the phone line to surf the internet. (Does anyone even call it surfing anymore?) We met thru a friend at church, dated for a year, got engaged, and spent a year planning the perfect wedding. I loved him, but mostly I was ecstatic that I was not going to spend the rest of my life as a lonely fat chick. 

We did not live together before we got married. That first year was a slippery slope, trying to navigate merging idiosyncrasies. Then I decided to go back to school. I spent the next three years completing my bachelor’s degree and teaching certificate while continuing to work full time. Upon graduation, I took a teaching job in another state. We moved seven hours away from our family and friends to start a new adventure.

Living on the edge of a major metropolitan area like Washington, DC is far different from life in rural farm country. We adjusted to the frenetic pace and the horrible traffic situation. We made new friends and purchased our first home, a townhouse. After three years of city life, we learned that we would be adding to our family. Babies do change things, and it was true for us as well.

After almost five years of city life, we decided to pack up and return to our native area to be closer to our family and friends. It took several months of searching, but I found a job in Pittsburgh, and we made the trek back to our roots.

After a decade of marriage, I reached a turning point. I worked hard to finish my degree and give us a chance at a better life; now it was my husband’s turn. I had the job with benefits; I had the 401K plan; I paid for the lion’s share of the bills. He felt comfortable with the way things were and had no intention of doing anything to change that. I could see why it might not be a priority for him to make improvements.

Then we had another baby. I could not ignore the glaring discrepancies in our philosophies any longer. I tried every way I could think of to spark some ambition in him. We went to counseling; I needed a partner and not another person to care for on top of the children. Occasionally he would pick up a few college brochures or talk about taking classes. Nothing ever actually happened.

Then came the fateful Disney trip. My parents took us all to the most magical place on Earth for a week. I have lots of fun pictures from this trip. But what I remember most is being angry and resentful at my husband the whole time. When we came home, I made an appointment with a divorce attorney to consider my options. I handed him divorce papers in November 2012. It took about 18 months total for our divorce to be finalized.

In some ways, it was a relief, but in other ways, there will never be closure. Our children tie us together, and I see him at their school functions and sporting events. I understand why people stay in unhappy marriages. The headache of divorce can linger, especially when you have an angry former spouse. Life can become even more complicated and acrimonious.  If I had known how unpleasant things would become, I might have stayed. But probably not.

After fourteen years of marriage, I found myself a single mom with two young boys to raise. Dating would have to take a backseat to this gigantic responsibility. On weekends the boys went with their father, I would be free to have some grownup fun from time to time. At least that’s the delusion I told myself.

In my life, expectations and reality rarely meet, but that’s what makes a good story. Please come along for the ride.

CHAPTER TWO

CAPTAIN THOUGHTFUL:

THE BEGINNING

I

met Captain Thoughtful long before I met my husband. My second boyfriend Nerd Alert introduced us, as Captain was his best friend. I take that back, he introduced himself. I knocked on the front door at Nerd’s house, expecting him to answer since we were going out on a date. I heard footsteps on the stairs and the doorknob turned. When the door swung inward, I gasped. Standing in the doorway was the most perfect creature I’d ever seen. He reminded me of a cross between a young James Spader and Christian Slater: slicked back blond hair with a hint of a devilish smile. A form-fitting black t-shirt was tucked into his Wranglers and held in place by a large silver belt buckle.

You must be Selina. Nerd has told me all about you!

It took me longer than necessary to find my voice. I’m sorry. I thought I was at the wrong house for a minute. I managed to stammer.

No, you’re in the right place. Nerd can’t locate his other boot at the moment so I volunteered to grab the door. He slid to the side and waved his hand. Come on in!

I stepped into the entryway. I held onto my purse and attempted to act cool. I wondered what exactly he knew about me. I know guys talk to each other, but we had only been out twice so far. I’m pretty sure my sister was the only one I had told about Nerd.

He reached down beside me and grabbed his cowboy boots. Nerd says you live on the air base. What’s that like?

It was all I could do to concentrate on standing upright and keep breathing, but I managed to respond. We’ve only been here a few months, but honestly it’s just like any other pre-fab neighborhood. Except for the constant aircraft flying overhead.

I’m thinking about joining the Air Force after graduation. I haven’t made up my mind yet.

I graduated in June and I’m still trying to figure out my next move. It seems like such an overwhelming decision.

Nerd emerged from his basement bedroom with both boots on his feet. He wore a Green Bay Packers t-shirt and khaki cargo pants. Hi Selina! I see you met Captain already. Thanks for grabbing the door, Butthead. He smacked Captain on the back.

Heh heh! Heh heh! Captain wasted no time doing his best Butthead impression and smacked him right back.

Nerd kissed me on the cheek and pulled his letterman jacket off of the coat rack behind the front door. Pushing both arms into the sleeves, he shrugged it into place over his shoulders. He placed a finger against his nose to secure his glasses in front of his hazel eyes. Freckles dotted his face along his cheeks, and his short brown hair was neatly trimmed. His stature of five foot six contrasted with Captain by at least four inches.

We headed out to the vehicles in the driveway. You two kids have fun ice skating! I’ll catch up with you later, Buckethead! Captain unlocked the door of his old beat-up Ford pickup, opened it and waved goodbye.

Wait! You mean you’re not coming with us? Nerd asked.

I’m not inclined to be the third wheel. It’s not my style.

Nerd turned to me. Should we let this loser go home alone to a microwave dinner?

I blinked. It was only our third date, but I didn’t want to seem like a bitch. Nonsense! I replied. Come with us! It will be fun!

Captain hung onto the door handle of his truck, contemplating his options. He slammed the door and jogged over to Nerd’s powder blue Dodge Omni. You twisted my arm.

Yeah, show me the bruises later. Get in the car, loser, Nerd chuckled.

The outdoor rink in downtown Kansas City had just opened for the winter season. None of us were skilled at ice skating, but we laughed and carried on while attempting to do so. Captain and I hung onto the rail along the edge for dear life, trying not to fall. Nerd was the bravest out of the three of us. He skated away from the railing into the center of the rink. He fell repeatedly and kept getting up to try again.

I laughed so hard that my sides hurt. Stay next to the railing, I gasped as I tried unsuccessfully to stop.

He’s on a suicide mission, Captain interjected. Just let him go. He’s going to be hurting tomorrow, though.

I skated away from the rail a little bit and held out my hand to Nerd. Grab on, and I’ll help you. He reached up and grabbed onto my hand, stuck his toe pick in the ice for leverage, and attempted to stand. I wasn’t strong enough, and I lost my balance, landing on my butt.

Captain doubled over, howling from the safety of the railing.

Nerd turned in his direction and shouted, Laugh it up, fuzz ball!

This caused Captain to hoot even harder, gasping for breath. Nerd and I crawled over to the side and used the railing to pull ourselves upright.

One of the skating attendants stopped next to us. You guys okay?

We’re okay, Nerd responded. You might want to check on the hyena next to us. He nodded his head towards Captain, who had almost recovered from his laughing fit.

You need to keep moving or get off the ice. You’re blocking the flow. He stated kindly.

Okay, thanks. We’re moving. Nerd grabbed my hand, and we skated over to the benches. Captain followed behind us. We decided to retire our skates and go get some food.

We stopped off at a Waffle House for hot chocolate and French fries. I could tell that these two had a special bond; they teased each other without mercy the whole evening.

How long have you two been friends? I asked as I munched on some fries.

Nerd looked at Captain. Was it fourth or fifth grade?

Fifth grade. We both had a crush on Miss Nelson, our student teacher. We liked to compete for her attention, didn’t we? But she was in love with me. He smirked at Nerd.

She just took pity on you since you were so homely looking with that bowl haircut.

That was actually you as I recall, Captain retorted. He changed the subject before Nerd could respond. So, Selina, who’s your favorite country artist?

I pursed my lips together. I don’t really know. I don’t listen to country music much.

His eyes grew wide, and he clutched his chest before throwing a fry in Nerd’s direction. Put her back where you found her. She’s a damn Yankee if I ever saw one.

Nerd threw the fry back and glared at Captain. You’ll have to excuse him. He isn’t housebroken.

I couldn’t understand what was going on at the moment. I didn’t consider Kansas City to be part of the South, so referring to me as a Yankee confused me. Nerd was about to school me in that.

He turned towards me. I know you had no idea, but you are sitting in the presence of greatness. Captain here is a local celebrity.

I had no idea. I looked over at Captain, who nodded for Nerd to continue.

He’s one of the featured artists at the Kansas City Opry here. He performs every other Friday and Saturday night. His heroes are George Straight, Chris LeDoux, and Alabama. He waited a beat. He would love to leave us tickets at the box office next Saturday night. Nerd grinned at him.

That sounds like fun! I love live music. I hoped I sounded sincere. Country music certainly wasn’t my first choice on the radio, but I was willing to try anything once. Almost anything.

Then it’s settled, Yankee Girl. Captain smirked at me. Wear your cowgirl boots if you got ‘em.

Upon our return to Nerd’s house, Captain thanked me for letting him crash our date.

I blushed. It was nothing. I’m glad I got to meet you.

Nerd interjected, putting his arm around my waist. You may regret that later. He turned to Captain. Now will you please excuse us so I can say goodnight to my girlfriend?

He tipped his head towards us and said, Of course. Excuse me. It’s been a lovely evening. He climbed into his truck and put it in gear. He rolled down his window about halfway. Remember to slip her the tongue! He laughed out loud and drove away before either of us could respond.

Now that might be the best idea he’s had all evening. Nerd pulled me in close and leaned in for a kiss. There was definitely tongue involved.

---

I met Nerd a few months after I graduated from high school, while my family was living in Kansas City. I had received acceptance letters from Purdue, Pitt, and Ohio State. Ultimately, I decided to work for a while and wait for college. I took a job cleaning hotel rooms on the Air Force base and started saving money for school expenses.

Nerd came to the door one evening to ask my younger sister if she wanted to go get some dinner. She declined, citing some unfinished homework as an excuse. I was nearby and after hearing the exchange, said I didn’t have any homework to finish. He asked me if I wanted to go with him and I agreed. Later on, she explained that she didn’t want to go out with him because he was the biggest nerd alert at school. Reputations are very important in high school, and she didn’t want to associate with him in any way, shape, or form. I didn’t care since I wasn’t in high school anymore, but that’s how he got his nickname. Thanks, Sis!

We went to TGI Fridays and had a lively discussion, followed by seeing a movie. I liked him right away. He was funny and self-effacing, and I felt lucky that a guy was paying attention to me. He walked me to the door at the end of the evening and asked me if he could call me. I gave him my number.

Side note: For those of you that have birthdates after 1990, we did not always have cell phones. Shocking, but it’s true. Giving someone my number meant giving them the one phone number in our house. This was way before texting and having our own cell phones. Privacy was nonexistent.

He called the next day and asked me out again. I could barely contain my excitement! I had not had a date since the Homecoming dance during my freshman year of high school. Having a guy showing interest in me was a humongous deal. As a big girl I didn’t think it would be possible for someone to love me without wondering about their motivation. I had a lot of hang-ups about my size.

We dated for several months, seeing each other as much as possible. On occasion, we would venture downtown to catch the Captain singing in a country music show. We didn’t see him much as he lived about 30 minutes away.

That all changed over the summer. Nerd and Captain had been working at various fast food restaurants slinging greasy burgers. One of them finally got the brilliant idea to get a job at the mall. Within days of each other, they had both secured new employment at Sears. Nerd attempted to convert me as well.

Selina, it’s great! We could work together and carpool. I’d get to see you all the time.

I already have a job, silly goose! I don’t want you to get tired of me.

He laughed. How could I ever get tired of you? I love you!

I hesitated for about half a second, wondering what would happen if we broke up, and I still had to see him at work every day. I put in my application, and a few weeks later we were all working at Sears. Nerd worked in the paint department upstairs, and Captain and I worked in the electronics section downstairs. At some point, I started calling him Captain Thoughtful behind his back. He had a penchant for being over solicitous with the older female customers, laying on the Southern charm for them. I found it all extremely hilarious and had no trouble teasing him for it.

There was never a dull moment when Captain and I worked together. He loved to tease me with sexual innuendos, even though his best friend was dating me. I spoke fluent sarcasm, so I took pleasure shooting him down regularly. He’d recently acquired a classy girlfriend, and none of us wanted him to screw up this relationship.

As we spent more time together, I developed feelings for Captain. I felt so conflicted because I loved Nerd, but he didn’t make me feel the way that I did when I spent time with Captain. I didn’t understand what was happening. I started picking fights with him and couldn’t stop no matter how much I wanted to quit.

Two incidents stand out for me as significant turning points in our relationship. The first happened at work. We had put in a tiring day during a holiday sale weekend, and Captain’s innuendos were grating on my nerves. I didn’t typically get riled by him, but for whatever reason, I couldn’t take it anymore. He made one too many comments and I finally glared at him over the cash register.

He grinned at me like the Cheshire Cat. You know you want me.

I bristled and retorted,