Camaleón: The Lost Years Living in the Closet

By Carlos Valenzuela

Banished from his home on the border in Agua Prieta, Sonora, by his homophobic father, Carlos embarks on a journey to find Jesse, the love of his life. At a time when homosexuality was against the law and classified as a mental disorder, he seeks through achievement the applause denied by society and the tenderness he disavows for himself.
But what happens when Carlos discovers lowering his tone and standing with legs wide apart does not protect him from homophobic rants, sexual advances of women, and men who deny their own sexuality? Camaleón is a tour de force tale of the early gender fluidity of the 60s. The colorful characters, drag queens, and trans people come from a broad spectrum of gender identities and teach the hero that the only gender rule is that there are no rules, compelling him to leave everything behind and embrace his own identity.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BooxAi
• Release date: Aug 28, 2022
• ISBN: 9789655780291

Book preview

CAMALEÓN

THE LOST YEARS LIVING IN THE CLOSET

CARLOS VALENZUELA

Carlos Valenzuela

Camaleón

All rights reserved

Copyright © 2022 by Carlos Valenzuela

No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.

This story is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination or used fictitiously. Any resemblance to people living or dead, events or locales is entirely coincidental.

Published by BooxAi

ISBN: 978-965-578-030-7

If you can’t show

who you are,

I see you

I hear you

I am you

I love you.

CONTENTS

The Camaleón Characters in Order of Appearance

Preface

The Jesse Era

The Train to Los Angeles

St. Ignatius College Prep

Finally, Jesse

A Visit to Jesse’s Home

You Hit Like a Girl

The Football Game Ride

First Weekend at Jesse’s

The Sunday Calls

A Visit to East L.A.

The Thanksgiving Invitation

Thanksgiving Weekend

The Return to St. Ignatius

The College Era

Ask The Maker

A Visit to Oz

The Gay Booth

The Concert at Golden Gate Park

Tulio’s War

The Garden Party

The University Years

The English Tutor

The Baseball Game

The Night Visitor

Rene’s Performance

Spooning With Your Best Friend

The Debate

The San Francisco Era

The Interview

The Ferry Ride

First Week at Work

The Invitation

The Stairwell Kiss

South America

Sao Paolo, Brazil

The Home Visit

The Marriage of Tulio Marquez

The Favor

The Final Straw

The Fog

EPILOGUE

The Camaleón Characters in Order of Appearance

Carlos Casavantes, main character

Tulio Marquez, best friend

Blanca Casavantes, Carlos’ mother

Bonita Casavantes, Carlos’ sister

Brother Thomas, Carlos’ Jesuit counselor

Shiv, Carlos’ boarding school roommate

Jesse Davis, Carlos’ first love

Jolynn Davis, Jesse’s mother

Grandpa Earl, Jesse’s grandfather

Brian, Carlos’ boarding school friend

Tommy, Carlos’ high school harasser

Julieta Montes de Oca, Carlos’ aunt

Rene Fields/ M Butterfly, Carlos’ college friend

Ariel, Transmale at the bar

Madelyn Boss, Carlos’ college admirer

Christopher Allen, Carlos’ dorm harasser

Xavier, Tulio’s boyfriend/husband

Ken Parker, Carlos’ college roommate

David Isaacs, VP of Beautex International

Greta Nilsen, Cosmetic Chemist Beautex

Alberto Godoy, General Manager Beautex Brazil.

Nora, Carlos’ assistant in Brazil

Peter, Carlos’ roommate in Sao Paolo

Graciela, Alberto’s assistant in Brazil

Facundo, Carlos’ father

Elliott Givens, CEO Beautex International

Preface

You either fit in and enjoy the benefits of being seen as who you are or begin life camouflaging your true self in a world not made for you. Living who you are and presenting something else is more consequential than merely putting your best foot forward. As you hide the parts of yourself that feel shameful–- aspects of your identity, maybe a troubled past, possibly a trait that embarrasses you, others befriend or even fall in love with someone you are not. These unsustainable situations are the recurrent theme of Camaleón. The novella comes from memories of the deep struggles while living in the shadows in the 60s. Any likeness of the hero or characters to anyone, dead or alive, is avoided and accidental.

Camaleón is the sequel to Letters to Young Carlos, the story of a gay boy who grows up in the 60s on the border with Mexico. Both tales speak to living your truth with compassion and disclosure. Silence will not save you. It never saved me.

Carlos Valenzuela

THE JESSE ERA

Camaleónes have a natural ability to blend into their surroundings to hide from predators

THE TRAIN TO LOS ANGELES

The five-fifteen train to Los Angeles arrived right on time. The Sonoran Desert sun hid behind a thick cotton blanket of puffy monsoon clouds, and the air was hazy with the aroma of blooming scents. The world seemed in a temporary reprieve from the heat and radiance characteristic of the border cities of Douglas and Agua Prieta that late summer of 1960.

Carlos walked toward the train’s westbound platform with his mother Blanca’s arm around him. Tulio, his best friend, carried one of two bags with all his worldly possessions, and Bonita, his older sister, wiped tears from her eyes.

Young Carlos, fourteen, falsely accused of accosting a prominent doctor in a men's room, was headed to a boarding school in Los Angeles. Gossip spread like wildfire in the small border town until Facundo, his conservative cattleman father, disinherited and banished him from town. Blanca filed for divorce taking half of her husband's fortune, allowing her to send Carlos to a boarding school. His destination was no coincidence. He hoped to reunite with his secret love, Jesse, in Los Angeles.

I'll send my address as soon as I know it, Carlos said to everyone. Leave all of this behind, Blanca said, What happened here, leave here, just like snakes shed their skin, never once looking back. Love us, forgive us, wish us well but leave us behind, said a tearful Blanca. Carlos replied, If you talk to Papa, tell him, no matter what, he will always be my Papa.

Her eyes welling up, Blanca said something Carlos would not forget, Don’t choose. You don't have to be any one thing, be everything. Unable to withhold her tears any longer, she hugged him, whimpering, "Adios, piece of my heart."

Carlos hugged Bonita goodbye. Tulio produced a brown paper bag with a Hershey chocolate, a pack of Cool cigarettes, and a lighter. For the trip, said Tulio in a shaky voice, distraught about losing his best friend and the only gay person he knew. "Gracias, I will write you, Tulio." 

Right now, I wish I was your boyfriend and not just your friend, Tulio said, a mascara tear running down his cheek. Nah, because if we broke up, Carlos observed, You would never speak to me again. This way, we’ll be together forever.

All aboard, Tucson, Yuma, San Diego, and Los Angeles. All aboard! announced the conductor. Carlos hugged Tulio as the train whistled the last call. Tulio kissed Carlos on the cheek. Carlos smiled and kissed him back, Farewell, my brother.

He boarded the train and took a window seat facing Blanca, Bonita, and Tulio, who watched him from the platform. The train suddenly jerked forward, and they began following Carlos’ window, Blanca making the sign of the cross in the air until the train left them behind. Except for Tulio, who ran to keep up with Carlos. Remember, Tulio yelled with frustration, I know the truth. I know what really happened, he panted, I'll always know the truth. Carlos kept his eyes on Tulio, his open hand against the window until he disappeared.

* * *

ST. IGNATIUS COLLEGE PREP

St. Ignatius required students to arrive wearing the school uniform. Brother Thomas quickly spotted Carlos' blue blazer and red tie at the Los Angeles Train Terminal as he struggled off the train with his suitcases. He came up to Carlos and said, Welcome to Los Angeles. Are you Carlos?

Yes, sir, replied Carlos.

"Or should I say, bienvenido? I'm Brother Thomas, your academic and spiritual guide."

It's a pleasure to meet you, sir, Carlos said, shaking his hand. The brother turned and walked towards the station’s exit, and Carlos began to follow. They arrived at a station wagon parked on the curb with St Ignatius Prep School printed on the door. The brother opened the station wagon hatch looking around distractedly, waiting on Carlos. Perspiring in his coat and tie, Carlos felt his stomach queasy. He stood by the side of the car, hoping his stomach settled. Then took a deep breath and loaded his bags onto the station wagon. That effort made him feel hot, clammy, and vulnerable. He leaned to one side, and without notice, he threw up on the ground. Whoa, keep it away from the car, said the brother as Carlos heaved repeatedly.

They stood waiting for the urge to subside. The brother handed him a box of Kleenex from the car's dashboard. I'm sorry. Suddenly, I just had to throw up, Carlos said, taking a handful of Kleenex, wiping his mouth, and watering eyes.

You feel better now? asked the brother.

Yes, better, Carlos replied, embarrassed.

In that case, let's head to the campus so you can lie down.

They took Alameda Street and drove onto the freeway. Carlos spotted the Hollywood sign and remembered the fantasy of seeing the famous sign with Tulio - how he missed him. May I roll my window down a little? Carlos asked, feeling flushed and drowsy. Yes, go ahead.

Two hundred-plus day students and thirty boarders attended St. Ignatius College Preparatory. Brother Thomas ensured the boarding students followed a discipline of classes, study hall, meals, and prayer during the week. On Saturdays, the boarding students were free to go off-campus and visit relatives. Saturdays would be the perfect opportunity to search for Jesse, Carlos’ main reason for coming to St Ignatius in the first place. Do you like going to the beach, Carlos? asked the brother, making small talk, his eyes on the road. There's no beach where I live, sir, Carlos replied. Call me brother, not sir, the brother corrected, That's right, you come from the border, don't you? Did you attend a Catholic grammar school?

I graduated from Loretto School with Dominican nuns.

Do you have brothers and sisters?

I have a sister, Bonita, eight years older than I am, he replied.

You can also say she is eight years older than me, the brother corrected, Now, your dad does what exactly? asked the brother. Carlos wondered how he would refer to his father now, My father’s a cattleman, he mumbled.

Oh, then you must have a ranch.

Well, my father does.

Carlos, anything your father has, you have also, said the brother, unknowingly reminding Carlos it wasn’t so. The brother noticed Carlos’ silence and said, Your good upbringing shows. You’re just the type of boy St Ignatius turns into a future leader, a model family man, husband, and father. You’ll eventually send your kids to St. Ignatius. Just wait and see.

Yes, brother.

Carlos sat quietly, and the brother said, Carlos, everyone’s a little tense when they first get here. I’ll show you to your room and introduce you to Shiv, your roommate. He also is not American. He is Indian. Hearing himself labeled as not American added another degree of separation between young Carlos and his strange new world. Unpack, lie down for a bit, go to your school orientation, and then on to dinner, instructed the brother.

The dormitory was a two-story building with a library and study hall where the boarding students agonized each night from six to nine. The dorm rooms on the second floor had two beds, two desks with chairs, and two narrow closets with drawers. There was a recreation room with sofas, a black and white television, a pool table, board games, and a payphone against the wall. On the other end were the restrooms and a large, tiled room with eight shower heads from the wall offering no privacy to the bather. Brother Thomas' room was at the end of the hall by the front entrance. Lights out was at nine o'clock when the brother locked the doors to the dorm, allowing no access after dark.

Shiv, Carlos' roommate, was a gentle boy who looked as out of place as Carlos felt. His polite ways reminded Carlos of the affected mannerisms of upper-class Mexican snobs. Brother Thomas explained he paired them as roommates because neither was like the other boys and, therefore, should get along.

After unpacking his suitcases, Carlos and Shiv sat through orientation, listening to their daily routine, and expected behavior. Later, Carlos picked through his first taste of boarding school corn-beef hash. He took his first-night shower alone, wondering how he might fare when a naked boy stood beneath every shower head. Before calling it a day, brother Thomas checked on Carlos and plunged the dorm into darkness.

That first night lying in bed, he shuddered at the thought of not finding Jesse. He turned his back to Shiv's bed so his pillow could soak silent tears rolling down his cheeks. He prayed for the strength to withstand his desire for the other boys. His small-town ways had no place at St. Ignatius, where it