Warning Signs - Volume 3: Warning Signs, #3

By Kate Mageau

This is the third book in the Warning Signs series. This volume will show how I began to see the abuse that was occurring, started questioning my trust in him, and found the courage to leave. It also depicts how people cope with the emotional abuse and inner turmoil of it all, how people leave, and how people grow afterward. Share your thoughts and stories using #WarningSigns so we can grow together.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Kate Mageau
• Release date: Aug 13, 2022
• ISBN: 9798201346034

Kate Mageau

Hello! Thank you for taking the time to read this. I am a domestic violence and intimate partner violence survivor. After I experienced abuse, I attended a support group at a domestic violence advocacy agency and learned about the cycle of abuse. I also saw a mental health counselor who taught me more about abuse and how to heal from it. Five years later, in 2019, I returned to the same agency and volunteered my time to co-facilitate the same support group, where I continued to learn even more about the abuse. I am currently in my last year in a Master’s of Counseling Education, specializing in Mental Health Counseling, where I am learning further more about abuse and domestic violence. And if you think that isn’t enough, I am also in an internship at an agency that specializes in helping domestic violence survivors heal from abuse, where I — you guessed it —learn even more about abuse. When I graduate in December of 2022, I plan to continue helping domestic violence survivors as a mental health counselor. I also enjoy my life and spend time not thinking about abuse! I enjoy kayaking, reading, writing, painting, traveling, cooking, gardening, and spending time with those I love – my family, my friends, my wonderful and supportive boyfriend who is nothing like my ex, and my cat, Penelope.

Book preview

Warning Signs

Volume 3

by Kate Mageau

Prologue

Volume 3 Prologue

Chapter 1: Repairing

Chapter 1 Warning Signs

Chapter 2: Celebrating

Chapter 2 Warning Signs

Chapter 3: Finding

Chapter 3 Warning Signs

Chapter 4: Visiting

Chapter 4 Warning Signs

Chapter 5: Opening

Chapter 5 Warning Signs

Chapter 6: Hugging

Chapter 6 Warning Signs

Chapter 7: Vacationing

Chapter 7 Warning Signs

Chapter 8: Questioning

Chapter 8 Warning Signs

Chapter 9: Fearing

Chapter 9 Warning Signs

Chapter 10: Denying

Chapter 10 Warning Signs

Chapter 11: Flying

Chapter 11 Warning Signs

Chapter 12: Recovering

Chapter 12 Warning Signs

Chapter 13: Finalizing

Volume 3 Epilogue

Volume 3 Warning Signs

Epilogue

Bill of Rights

Resources

Prologue

This is the third and final volume in this story. If you are just beginning with this book, please read the other two first, as they show how the relationship looked before there was much abuse (volume 1) and how the abuse occurred over time and why I stayed (volume 2). Below is the same prologue I wrote in the first two volumes, as a reminder of the purpose of the story.

I wrote this book to help people learn the warning signs of intimate partner violence (IPV) and domestic violence (DV). IPV is a subset of DV, as IPV is abuse between intimate partners or spouses and DV is abuse between any family members. Abuse is one person’s intent to exert power and control over another person. It can take the form of physical, sexual, emotional, financial, or psychological acts or threats of violence. (For more, see the United Nation’s page on domestic abuse.)

This is my personal story of enduring abuse and how I eventually left. After each chapter in the story, there is a section called warning signs that discusses the warning signs of abuse that I did not see at the time. When I experienced this abuse, I did not know what DV, IPV, or abuse really was, and thus I did not know what I was experiencing or that I needed to leave the relationship. I wrote the warning signs sections after each chapter to help people see the signs in the context of abuse as it occurs. At the end of each volume, there is a list of warning signs for quick retrieval.

My hope is that this book can teach people the warning signs so that people can: 1) Not enter abusive relationships; 2) Leave if they are in them; 3) Help people notice if someone is in an abusive relationship, and then teach them the warning signs so they leave; 4) Help people whose loved ones have experienced abuse understand what happened and why it was hard for them to see the signs and leave; and 5) Create a global discussion so that we can change these patterns, so as a society we can work toward ending abuse.

It is critical that we, as a society, do something to stop abuse. In the United States, one in four women, and one in nine men, will experience DV in their lifetimes (cited from the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence). Even if my book helps just one person reach safety sooner than they otherwise might have, I will consider it a success.

I spent seven years writing these books. In those seven years, I attended a domestic violence advocacy support group where I learned about abuse, later I went back as a volunteer to run that support group for two years, saw a mental health counselor who helped me emotionally process what happened, and went to graduate school to become a mental health counselor. I am currently in my final semester of graduate school and an intern at a counseling agency that specializes in trauma, focusing on domestic violence. I have experienced and studied this topic for more than a decade.

There is one more point I would like to address before beginning the story. I refer to people who lived through abuse as survivors because we are alive. We literally lived to survive the abuse. This is a much more empowering term than victims. The victim mentality keeps people living in the mindset of being a victim of something that happened to them, while the survivor mentality helps people realize the strength they have that kept them alive.

This is a very important distinction to make because using this term gives those fortunate to survive, survivors, a feeling of power. Early domestic violence resources called people victims, or worse yet, wife-batterer victims. Intimate partner violence does not just happen to wives; it happens to people of all genders and relationship statuses. I am a survivor. Anyone that has experienced abuse who is still alive is a survivor. Throughout this book, I will use the term survivor to refer to anyone that has experienced DV or IPV.

As a community of people reading this book and people that care about survivors, I hope that we can help people make smart decisions. Share your thoughts and stories using #WarningSigns so we can grow together. I dedicate this book to all the New Beginnings participants I have stood alongside in our journeys to not only survive, but thrive.

Volume 3 Prologue

In this last volume of the story, I promise I finally leave the relationship. Thank you for reading and learning thus far. This volume will show how I began to see the abuse that was occurring, started questioning my trust in him, and found the courage to leave.

It is not necessarily easier to read than the last volume, but it does show less physical abuse. It also shows more about how I was coping with the emotional abuse and inner turmoil of everything else that had already happened. Not everything I did to cope was healthy, but some was. I began listening to my instincts, talking to more people about what happened, trying to learn more about health and gardening, spending time with children, and making decisions that were for me instead of for Jason.

I helped myself a lot through this section, but my friends and family also helped me. Support systems, such as friends, family, domestic violence advocacy agencies, and counselors and body healers can help people rebuild confidence within themselves, gently show them the warning signs of abuse, and help people help themselves safely get out of abusive relationships. As you read through this last volume, remember to take breaths and breaks, process what you are learning, and be gentle with yourself and any survivors you know. The process takes time.

Chapter 1: Repairing

Two weeks after the NFC Championship party, that February of 2014, we went to a Super Bowl party at Mario and Lisa’s house. Dustin, my friend who had called me earlier that month, was also invited. We were all having a great time watching the Seahawks beat the Broncos. At half time, Jason and I stepped outside to smoke. Dustin didn’t smoke, but he asked if he could join us outside to talk to us privately. 

Dustin spoke calmly. Hey, guys. He looked at both of us, and then directly at Jason.  I just wanted to let you know that Mary is going to sue you for lost wages. She couldn’t work for two weeks because of her bruises.

Jason was furious. She’s suing for lost wages as a hooker?! She’s a prostitute!

I reminded Jason, She’s an escort. She just goes on dates. That’s not the same thing, and either way she is a human being and you hurt her. And she’s our friend. She clearly couldn’t work with the damage you caused her, and she has a right to those lost wages. I turned to look at Dustin and said, Thank you for letting us know. I, um, we appreciate you telling us. 

Jason shifted his weight between his feet. He muttered, Thank you, to Dustin. He turned to me and angrily whispered, Now you’re on her side?! I thought you were my wife, and you were standing beside me!

I shyly turned towards Dustin and raised my eyebrows as if to say, Help! How do I respond to this?! He shrugged his shoulders, shot me an apologetic look, and politely excused himself to go back inside.

I softly said to Jason, I don’t know. I’m here for you, though. 

He glared at me. Are you even going to come with me to court? I’ll look way better if you come, and it will show them that I have someone that supports me.

I sighed, Yes, honey, I’ll come with you. I noticed he didn’t tell me he needs or appreciates my emotional support. In fact, I couldn’t recall him ever saying anything along those lines.  

Our court date was scheduled for the next month. We requested time off work and mentally prepared for it. A week before the date, we heard it was postponed. I said our because, well, although, it was his court date, I was experiencing all his emotions with him. It felt more like ours than his.

In the meantime, Jason had been working with a lawyer and working on a case with him for self-defense. His lawyer received the prosecuting attorney’s evidence and called to apprise him. I only heard Jason’s side of the call.

They sent you what?! Pictures of her bruises?! 

"There’s a 9-1-1 transcript?! It was my wife that called?"

He angrily hung up the phone and stomped down the stairs toward me. 

"You were the one that called the cops?!"

I took a step backward. "Yes, honey, you knew that. You saw me on the phone as I grabbed Mary’s arm and took her away from you. We also talked about this the following morning, and then again later that day. This is the third time you’ve gotten angry at me for this."

He scoffed. "Oh yeah, I guess I forgot — because it’s just so unbelievable that you would call the cops on me, your husband!"

I yelled back, "I did what I thought was best in the moment! And I still think it’s good that I did, or you would have kept hitting her! Do you even feel bad you hit her, and thirteen times?" 

That whore deserved it! She broke a beer bottle on my arm! He shouted, It was SELF-DEFENSE!!!

There must be SOME part of you that feels bad! Isn’t there? Isn’t there? There has to be! You’re not an evil person! 

No! Especially not now that you’re giving me so much grief about it! You’ve asked me about this a hundred times since it happened! When are you going to let it go and just support me? 

When are YOU going to show remorse, see a therapist, and address your anger issues? 

He yelled even more loudly, I don’t HAVE any anger issues! 

I picked up the car keys and walked out the door. "I’m going to the grocery store. I need space and