The Whitewash

By Siang Lu

It sounded like a good idea at the time: A Hollywood spy thriller, starring, for the first time in history, an Asian male lead. With an estimated $350 million production budget and up-and-coming Hong Kong actor JK Jr, who, let's be honest, is not the sharpest tool in the shed, but probably the hottest, Brood Empire was basically a sure thing. Until it wasn't. So how did it all fall apart? There were smart guys involved. So smart, so woke. So woke it hurts. There was top-notch talent across the board and the financial backing of a heavyweight Chinese studio. And yet, Brood Empire is remembered now not as a historical landmark of Asian representation that smashed the bamboo ceiling in Hollywood, but rather as a fiasco of seismic proportions. The Whitewash is the definitive oral history of the whole sordid mess. Unofficial. Unasked for. Only intermittently fact-checked, and featuring a fool's gallery of actors, producers, directors, film historians and scummy click-bait journalists, to answer the question of how it all went so horribly, horribly wrong.

• Language: English
• Publisher: University of Queensland Press
• Release date: Aug 2, 2022
• ISBN: 9780702267185

Book preview

Author photo Siang Lu’s fiction and literary reviews have appeared in Southerly and Westerly. He holds a Master of Letters from the University of Sydney. He has written for television on Malaysia’s Astro network. In 2021, Siang won the Glendower Award for an Emerging Queensland Writer for The Whitewash. He is based in Brisbane, Australia, and Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia.

www.siang-lu.com

The Whitewash, A novel by Siang Lu

‘No, I do not give you permission to interview me for your bullshit excuse of a book.’

– Johnny Chao, Screen Legend, Founder of Shanzhai Pictures

Contents

Cast

Introduction

Act I: America

1: Fu Manchu

2: Charlie Chan

3: Yee Haw!

4: Bruce Lee

Act II: Hong Kong

5: Kung Fu

6: Wire Fu

7: Gun Fu

8: White Fu

Act III: China

9: All-Asian Cast

10: China’s Soft Power

11: COVID-19 Remix

Coda

Acknowledgements

Film Appendix

Cast

MAIN CAST

JK Jr: A Hong Kong movie star on the cusp of breaking through to the Hollywood big-time as the lead of the blockbuster spy film Brood Empire. Not the sharpest tool in the shed, but definitely the hottest.

Angela Mu: On-again off-again girlfriend of JK Jr and local actress of slowly diminishing clout who finds a new niche in the world of online streaming.

SUPPORTING CAST

The Click Bae team

LeBron Chew: The brains and editor-in-chief of the entire Click Bae operation, a ‘journalism’ website that trafficks in entertainment news and celebrity rumours of the most salacious kind.

Hetty Lin: The spunky ‘journalist’ who heads up Click Bae’s clandestine research activities, which often stretch (if not break) the boundaries of the law.

Damon ‘Damo’ Smith: Click Bae’s in-house photographer. A bogan with a Jean-Claude Van Damme obsession and savant-like ability to get the nastiest photos of celebs in compromising positions.

Wong Kim Ark: The disapproving, straightlaced in-house legal counsel for Click Bae, forever juggling inbound lawsuits, settlements and heartburn medication.

Eric Dutton: Adjunct Professor of Chinese Cultural Studies at the University of Queensland, and resident ‘talking head’ expert for historical and cultural commentary. Click Bae’s fifth-choice scholar and, perhaps not coincidentally, the one with the cheapest asking price.

The Brood Empire production team

Henry Lavida: Chairman of Lallation Films and Executive Producer of Brood Empire, with an impressive string of direct-to-video hits (hard to find, and probably pornographic) that demonstrate his bona fides as a big-talking, big-shot Hollywood producer.

Chase Donovan: JK Jr’s stunt double, professional mixed martial arts (MMA) fighter and reluctant actor. A good old Christian boy from a small town in Missouri.

Yolo Zhang: JK Jr’s jacked meathead cousin, who lands a plum gig as JK Jr’s on-set personal trainer and life coach, with often disastrous results.

The Chaos

Johnny Chao: Screen legend of East and West in the 1960s, now languishing in a nursing home with fellow nonagenarians. Formerly an actor, producer and director, and ‘founder’ of Shanzhai Pictures. Also the personal hero and father-figure of sorts to JK Jr.

Buddy Chao: Johnny Chao’s Number One Son, a Hong Kong producer who ruled the 1980s and 1990s with cheap, knock-off action films. Now lives primarily off royalties, cocaine and family spite.

Ringo Chao: Johnny Chao’s Number Two Son (from another mother), the VP of S.H.A.M.E.L.E.S.S. Productions and director of Brood Empire. Untalented, unmotivated and uninformed, Ringo is the convenient patsy of his corporate master, Baby Bao.

The Honour Capital/haiku team

Baby Bao: The egomaniacal CEO of Honour Capital, a Chinese multimedia conglomerate that has its fingers in the pies of online streaming giant haiku and in the movie business as part owner of S.H.A.M.E.L.E.S.S. Productions.

Miranda Tsai: haiku’s Director of the Dataism Division, which purports to harness AI analytics to predict new streaming trends and discover future stars such as Angela Mu. Prone to fits of jealousy and unprofessional corporate behaviour.

Farmstrong Tian: The go-to spokesman for Honour Capital in times of duress and public embarrassment. Extremely talented at ‘correcting the record’ and renowned at press conferences for refusing to take either any questions or responsibility.

Introduction

* In which a niche gossip rag with next to no journalistic experience tries its hand at an oral history * A Hong Kong actor on the cusp of Hollywood superstardom is cast in a history-making lead action role * The Click Bae team begin sorting out the pieces of the ensuing cinematic fiasco *

LeBron Chew: Click Bae Editor-in-Chief

Look, I didn’t get into this business to write super-sanitised PR bullshit for celebs, like sample meal plans and fitness routines with sweaty, post-workout centrefolds. You want that stuff, go crying to GQ. Go crying to Men’s Health. I got into this business for the leaks! The sex tape stuff. The ‘Who’s boning their kid’s nanny?’ stuff. The ‘Who’s secretly addicted to ice?’ stuff. The ‘Who’s got a love child stashed away in Burma?’ stuff.

There used to be a time when Click Bae was churning out so much nasty viral content that readers affectionately called us ‘The Black Death’. I was really proud of that. We were known for rooting around, elbow-deep, in celebrities’ rubbish bins, hiding in their shrubs, hacking their browser histories, uploading their nude selfies, leaking their personal emails. We might not have been the first to do it, but we were the best at it.

So when the JK Jr no-holds-barred, all-access offer came in, I’ll be honest with you, it gave the writing staff a serious identity crisis.

Was this what the infamous Click Bae had become?

Hetty Lin: Click Bae Research Division Team Lead

Oh, I was all for it. JK Jr is tall, has movie-star looks, a strong jaw, abs for days, and pecs you wanna slather oil on and just slip and slide and … what was I saying? Oh right, I wanna have mouth babies with him and he’s not even my type. I don’t usually go for the Manly Man look. I like my men pretty, and thin. Like boy band thin. Like thinner than me. Like thin to the point where I start to hate my own body.

LeBron Chew: Click Bae Editor-in-Chief

We put it to a vote. The editorial staff was split down the middle, 50/50. And guess who got to cast the tie-breaking vote? Me. I was leaning towards ‘no’. Okay, more than leaning. But then JK Jr showed up unannounced at the Click Bae office and basically seduced everyone. No advance team, no entourage. Just him. Shook all of our hands. Looked us right in the eye. Remembered everyone’s name. Spoke Canto with the local dudes like Wong Kim, and perfect English with ‘rexpats’ like me and Hetty. That was his term for expats who grew up in the West but returned to the motherland in adulthood. Turns out JK Jr grew up in LA. We talked pro ball, In-N-Out Burger, favourite kung fu movies. He was like one of those social butterflies back in high school who’d flit between groups, who could speak jock, geek, goth and theatre nerd fluently.

He gave us his personal number, told us to call him anytime. I mean, we were giddy. By the time he left, everyone had a crush on him. So I voted ‘yes’, and we embedded our Click Bae journalists into JK Jr’s daily life, starting with Damo.

Damon ‘Damo’ Smith: Click Bae In-House Photographer

Nah, yeah.¹ Cannes, 2017. That was a good one, mate. That’s when I knew I’d gone to a whole new level as a pap. You put in your 10,000 hours, you get a knack for these things. Only a rookie photographer would low angle for an upskirt right from the get-go. Are you kidding? The festival organisers aren’t dummies. Stick your camera up someone’s skirt, that’s the quickest way to get your press pass revoked. You gotta approach it from another angle, mate. Do your homework. Like, which limos are picking up which starlets? From which hotels? When are they due? What’s the rough order? And who’s the best value for our media partners in the US, UK, China, Pacific? I’ve got a whole team on the walkie-talkies, mate, it’s nonstop chatter. Prep. It’s all prep. Then, maaaaate, it comes down to instincts, picking ya moment. And you know what? Nine times out of ten, you snap the shot and check it and you’ll get panties. And for the ninety-nine per cent that’s fine. Perfectly fine. I’m not knocking panties. Panties pay the bills. But to get to the one per cent, the elite, you’ve gotta get a gander at the pleasure pad.² If you don’t bring your A-game, you’re never gonna catch the snatch. Your regular pap’ll get to the ground, but his form’s all wrong, he’ll tweak a muscle, worse, he’ll get us all busted for a blatant upskirt attempt. You get arrested for that shit these days. That’s why I do yoga six days a week. Preparation is key. You need the zoom lens, you need to get there early, form up at the front of the pack. Inch forward, right, give yourself, say, a half-metre, a third-of-a-metre clearance, here comes the limo with international starlet Fan Bingbing, and then – I’m talking smooth – you do the splits. No kidding. Jean-Claude Van Damme style. Drop the camera to your crotch, angle fifteen degrees up, shoot. It’s money, every time. And the organisers on the lookout for any blatant upskirt shit are so bamboozled that you get an extra three seconds before they come over to see what’s the matter. By that time, you’ve reversed the split and stepped back, indiscernible from the rest of the crowd. Like a ghost.

That extra three seconds is where you catch the golden muff. Every shot. Gold.

Hetty Lin: Click Bae Research Division Team Lead

JK Jr kept asking us to touch his abs. He said – and I quote – ‘You see that crack there? That groove? The ab crack? That’s called the linea nigra, baby.’³

LeBron Chew: Click Bae Editor-in-Chief

Not all our readers were happy about our constant JK Jr coverage, but we had faith. Because of Click Bae, other industry rags started giving him space on the columns too, and later, when he landed the highly coveted Brando X role, it was Click Bae who had a front-row seat to the greatest fiasco in film history.

Hetty Lin: Click Bae Research Division Team Lead

The very first special we did with JK Jr was our B&E feature. That’s ‘Break and Enter’. Our B&E series has been super popular. It started out super illegal too, guerilla-style, but the more popular it got, the more celebs wanted in on the action. Now, ninety-nine per cent of the time, we have these bogus photo shoots, with contracts and everything. Like ‘Hetty can break this window but she can’t open that door’ and ‘Hetty can sniff this but she can’t lick that’. No master bedroom access, no peeking in the fridge. Argh! It can be a pain, and sometimes it’s not even their real home, or their real underwear. And of course they get rid of all the incriminating stuff in advance. Takes all the fun out of it.

But JK Jr? He was totally cool with it. Didn’t tidy up. Didn’t lock anything away. Didn’t wipe his Pornhub search history or anything. Turns out he’s kind of into feet.

I should really get a pedicure.

Anyway. It was a thrill. I hadn’t felt that alive in years. Also, for all you Click Bae fans inspired by our B&E series to do your own hands-on research, here’s a tip straight from the Click Bae Legal Department: Did you know that if you break and enter but pixelate your face in the selfie, it actually makes you immune to criminal and civil prosecution?

Wong Kim Ark: Click Bae In-House Legal Counsel

Tsk. That is absolutely untrue. Please tell Hetty I need to speak with her.

LeBron Chew: Click Bae Editor-in-Chief

If you’ve never heard of the Brando X spy novels that the movie is based on, then you’ve clearly been living under a soundproof rock for fifty years. Even white people have heard of it!

The Brando X series is huge in Hong Kong, mainland China, Taiwan, Southeast Asia. I grew up reading The Dream and Slumber Co and Glamour Kill. Globetrotting action, espionage, honey pots, guns and kung fu. What’s not to like?

After decades of rumours and several false starts, the long-awaited Brando X film finally made it to production. Hollywood studio Lallation Films entered into a historic partnership with China’s S.H.A.M.E.L.E.S.S. Productions. No expenses spared. Word on the street was the budget of Brood Empire – the first Brando X film of a planned trilogy – was between USD$300 and $350 million.

The plan was to roll out the yellow carpet for a simultaneous worldwide release. Imagine, a blockbuster spy film produced for Western markets and starring, for the first time, an Asian man in the lead role.

Lallation Films brought over the cream of the Hollywood crop, from set and costume designers to VFX. And S.H.A.M.E.L.E.S.S. secured all the financing, the production crew, the best stunt teams. The marketing was relentless. Billboards, TV spots, blimps. A Super Bowl LIV commercial. But when the trailer was leaked, months ahead of the Super Bowl, with a white guy in the lead role … that was the beginning of the end.

Henry Lavida: Executive Producer of Brood Empire

Well, you know what they say – a film is never finished. Yes, the re-edits are ongoing. No, there’s nothing the matter. It’s very much standard practice …

In all honesty, we realised, admittedly a little late in the game, that there were some improvements – nothing major – to be made, because we’re, um, perfectionists here at Lallation Films. We’ve got a few scenes to reshoot, and we’ll re-release when it’s ready. But all’s well on our end. We couldn’t be more thrilled. Hundred per cent.

LeBron Chew: Click Bae Editor-in-Chief

The whitewashing made news in Hong Kong and China. The whole thing kind of turned into a national joke, but was soon forgotten. And in the Western press, the story barely rated.

The folks here at Click Bae kept wondering: where’s the hard-hitting journalistic exposé? Where’s the poorly assembled oral history? Eventually, we thought, why not write it ourselves?

So we held a meeting and put together a plan to interview everyone involved, from the actors, to the producers, to the financiers, to a bona fide film historian.

Eric Dutton: Adjunct Professor of Chinese Cultural Studies on the phone to the Click Bae team

Let me get this straight. You’re going to pay me to read aloud ’s original transcript, word for word? Just pretend that I’m the from NYU?

Is that even legal?

No, I’m not … No no, don’t get me wrong … No, it’s just. Look. I get why you approached first. He’s the foremost expert in the field. We all look up to him. He’s always keynote speaker at conferences, providing cultural analysis on CNN, MSNBC. Of course you’d want him for your documentary, or whatever this is. Evidently your working relationship broke down, and I won’t pry into that, but I’m also interested in why you didn’t reach out to, say, Alexander Zahlten from Harvard, or Derek Wang from Cornell. They’re all authorities in Hong Kong–US film studies. And even across the pond there are a ton of great talents. Fan Yuan Yuan from Zhejiang University has an amazing vlog series on haiku that thoroughly covers the China-Hollywood angle.

Oh, you did? How many? And they all said no?

…

No no no don’t get me wrong, I thank you for the offer, I’m flattered, even though I was so far down your list. To have made the list at all is … What I’m saying is, I am happy to give my own analysis. My own expert opinion on this subject.

True, I may not be Asian, like – and perhaps that’s been to the detriment of my career – but I am quite literally an expert in the field. My PhD thesis was on Asian representation in film and cross-pollination between the Hong Kong and Hollywood film industries.

…

Uh-huh, I see where you’re coming from. It just seems like a waste to have one expert recite, word for word, from the transcript of another expert and without attribution. I mean, you might as well have hired an actor to simply …

No no no, don’t hang up, it’s fine. It’s fine. I’m your man. So the payment, is it in Hong Kong or Australian dollars?

LeBron Chew: Click Bae Editor-in-Chief

It was a truly global endeavour.

Who could have known that an oral history of a whitewash would end up including tales of literary theft, TV Westerns, a lost kung fu masterpiece, and the wild and lucrative world of Chinese streaming? We went on to publish this complete oral history, in both Chinese and English, first on our website and now in book form.

Go on. Turn the page. Enjoy the car crash.

[Translated from the Australian]: Yes.

[Translated from the Australian]: Vagina.

In fact, the linea alba. The linea nigra is the brown streak that often appears running down the abdomen of pregnant women.

Act I: America

whitewash

/ˈwaɪt.wɑːʃ/

1. Noun (RACISM) | Informal; Disapproving

The practice of using only white actors, models, or performers, especially the practice of using a white actor to play a character who is not white

– Cambridge Dictionary

1: Fu Manchu

Fu Manchu timeline 1882 to 1923

* In which JK Jr lands the coveted role of Brando X in a ballsy fashion * Spoilers are revealed for a fifty-year-old book *

Eric Dutton: Adjunct Professor of Chinese Cultural Studies

So I should read it exactly as it appears on the original transcript?

…

Okay, you’re the boss.

…

If you want to talk about the farcical history of Asian representation in Hollywood, you need to go all the way back to the silent serials of the 1920s, collectively known as The Mystery of Dr. Fu-Manchu, and the phenomenon of the Yellow Peril, sometimes known as the Yellow Spectre. In fact, go further still to the seventeenth century and the heyday of the British East India Company. Trade between the British and Chinese empires was booming, but the Company was concerned by the unprecedented quantities of silver flowing from West to East. China wanted only precious silver in exchange for tea, silk and porcelain. Nothing else would do. The problem was that the British East India Company didn’t have enough silver to maintain a balance of trade. So, they introduced opium as an alternative trading commodity. The drug caught on, utterly ravaged Chinese society and the economy, and crippled an entire generation with addiction. The Qing Emperor banned opium, forcibly confiscating all stock from traders without compensation and ordered a blockade against trade. The British escalated with military force and thus began the First Opium War of 1839. It proved a decisive loss for China and ended with the ratification of the Treaty of Nanking, which forced China to open more ports to foreign merchants and cede the territory of Hong Kong to British rule.

Meanwhile, over in the United States, the Chinese Exclusion Act of 1882 resulted in the mass expulsion of Chinese goldminers, who were willing to work for less than one-third the pay of their Western counterparts.

In mainland China, rising tensions over the proliferation of unwanted missionary settlements and preferential treatment of Westerners led to the Boxer Rebellion of 1899, so named because the Chinese rebels were quite literally boxers, martial artists and swordsmen, rising up against the Western imperialists. This was the origin of the Yellow Spectre in Western literature.

By the turn of the twentieth century, Western fear of the unknowable East had reached an all-time high. This was fertile ground for British novelist Sax Rohmer to introduce his enduring literary achievement The Mystery of Dr. Fu-Manchu, which featured British detective hero Denis Nayland Smith and his Watson-like sidekick, Dr Petrie, in their adventures to foil the Illuminati-like ‘Yellow Spectre’, the evil Chinese mastermind Dr Fu Manchu.

Angela Mu: On-again Off-again Girlfriend of JK Jr

JK and me? Oh we broke up a long time ago. But we’ve got history, you know. I remember when I was a struggling actress, before he even got into the industry, he used to come to my auditions and cheer me on. That was so sweet. Eventually, casting directors would spot him waiting for me, holding roses, being romantic, and soon enough he was booking more auditions than me!

LeBron Chew: Click Bae Editor-in-Chief

Angela Mu, JK Jr’s ex, holds the distinction of being the only actress to simultaneously appear on Click Bae’s ‘17 most underrated Hong Kong actresses’ and our definitive ‘Top 11 most overrated Hong Kong actresses’.

JK Jr: Hong Kong Movie Star

Angie? Yeah, I still run into her from time to time. Last I heard she was on that show Pathways, right?⁴ Looks like she’s doing good. Her first lead role! She worked so hard for it.

Angela Mu: On-again Off-again Girlfriend of JK Jr

When did I first want to be an actor?

I