FORGOTTEN LOVE: EMPOWERING YOURSELF RELEASING YOUR PAST

By Rhonda Walker

“A story that from the first to the last word will grab your attention and pull you into the experiences, the emotions and the healing. Each time I read it, I am encouraged to be braver, more confident, and willing to share myself with others. I am who I am because of this wonderful, amazing, courageous woman! Congratulations on your first book (I think there will be more!!)” Deanna H. RN BSN

After years of silence and being silenced, Rhonda decided it was time to share her story of healing. How going from years of suicidal thoughts to now truly loving the woman she is, through learning to set some of the hardest boundaries of her life and realizing its ok to accept help from others. Being everything to everyone leaves nothing left for herself.

Abuse is a vicious cycle and when you’re in the middle of it, you forget that the rage and anger directed at you, originates elsewhere. Throwing adoption into the situation certainly complicated things. So when she held her first born, the first connection to her biological family, she realized it was up to her to stop this cycle, to prevent her own children from experiencing the visible and invisible wounds. She had no choice but to break the cycle of abuse. #sacrificialpillow

From adoption and abuse to child loss and dementia, come follow along the healing journey and learn how your past really doesn’t need to define who you become. As you’re drawn into the story, weaving back and forth through time, you’ll also discover different recipes scattered throughout the stories, as cooking and being one with nature are part of this healing story.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: Apr 20, 2022
• ISBN: 9781471761157

Book preview

INTRODUCTION

What have you experienced?

What challenges have you faced that forced you to either wither and die, or grow and shine?

There’s healing in sharing and acknowledging our experiences, no matter how dark they are, and maybe, just maybe, someone else can benefit from the share.

As you turn these pages, you’re going to learn insights into adoption and the secrets that sometimes happen behind closed doors. Know that these are just experiences encountered in one child’s life and are in no way the author’s opinion of how all adoptions are. You’re going to be shocked and wonder, what was Leanne thinking and why does she still love like she does? But you’re also going to experience her personal journey, walk with her as she overcomes her past and witness how she stops the cycle of abuse.

Forgotten Love is about so many loves that, over time, we have forgotten.

The love of a parent that’s given a child up for adoption, or the love a parent hangs on to long after their child has passed.

The love that is forgotten through dementia and other such diseases, and most importantly, the love we forget to show ourselves through all our good and bad experiences, that love we forget to show ourselves and the love of getting back to basics with things you’ve forgotten. It’s so important to know that if we don’t love ourselves, no one else can love us either.

If we don’t do the things we love, how is anyone else supposed to know we even love them? How we treat ourselves, is how we’re teaching others to treat us. So be kind to yourself, learn to love the person you truly are and do what sets your soul on fire.

Through abuse, control, dementia and eventually death, and finally rediscovery, you’ll walk alongside this courageous girl and silently cheer her on … or maybe condemn her.

Time will tell.

Either are fine.

As you’re drawn into Leanne’s life, journeying back and forth through time, you’ll discover different types of recipes scattered throughout the stories. Nature and cooking go hand in hand, as so many of the ingredients we use come from nature in one way or another. Both are grounding and worked their magical spell of healing in some of her darkest times. The recipes are time tested, some family favorites and some created over the years, while others have been gifted from precious friends.

I hope you enjoy them, and they become some of your favorites as well.

I wrote this book to help people who are going through similar trials.

To show them that transformation is possible and to know you are never alone.

There are places to reach out to; never be ashamed to ask for help. We can heal from our pasts and move forward to where we’re intended to be.

Know that some parts of this story may trigger you. You may find them upsetting at times and, depending on your life experiences regarding adoption and abuse, you may disagree.

That’s ok.

This is only one person’s story, it has no bearing on anyone else’s story, nor does it make anyone else’s story any less important or any less real. And vice versa.

Also, you may not always like the language in these pages but know that every word serves a purpose in the story.

This book is for the abused, the intrigued, the survivors, the ones caring for those that once abused them, and finally, for those that know deep in their soul that things will get better as long as they keep moving forward.

This book is also for the people that love the person described above. Loving someone who’s been abused or emotionally hurt can be challenging, especially when you don’t know or understand their entire story.

Finally, this story is for the person searching to remember what they truly love and who they truly are.

Come along with me as we explore the dark, sometimes lonely, challenges, the denial and rejection, and see how Leanne came out the other side, stronger and mentally healthier than ever before.

If you’re in, or have ever been in, a similar situation, know that you too can come out the other side.

Our past does not have to define us.

You may be shocked, you may laugh, cry or even gasp but I promise you’re in for an exciting ride … Let’s get started!

Chapter 1

CHRISTMAS EVE 1975

‘S o, he didn’t want another sister?’ My heart fell to the pit of my stomach. I was only 8, but at that instant, so many things became clear. Dave was a protective big brother even though he was lot older than Leanne. She just presumed the age was the reason for him not being like other big brothers.

It was Christmas Eve day and dad and I were driving back from delivering a load of cattle for the upcoming auction. The snow was gently falling and there was not a breath of wind. We’d just fixed a flat on the trailer, thankfully we were on the way home and the trailer wasn’t loaded, and we were talking about the past and how I came to be in the family.

Dad explained, ‘No, Dave was pretty clear that he wasn’t in favor of our decision, but I explained to him that mom needed another daughter.’ I’d been told lots about Julie, the sister that came before me, and I hated her! I never knew her as she died before I was born, but I hated her with every ounce of my being!

It is impossible to compete with a ghost. Her dolls, her dishes, they were all on display and 100% off limits! I was that kid that when you told me no, I asked why. I accepted nothing at face value and ‘No means No’ didn’t really resonate with me. Oh, and the stories ... She’d only been 6 years old when she died of leukemia, 2 years younger than Leanne was now, and the family had barely had time to accept what was coming before it was over. It had been two weeks between when they rushed her to the hospital for coughing up blood all night, to her being gone. A tragedy to any family, every parent’s nightmare for sure, but to the next in line; a ghost that could never quite be lived up to.

Dad continued his story, ‘Mom cried all the time after Julie died, and I drank way too much. We finally went to see ol’ doc James and he told me the only way to help her was to get another baby, preferably a girl. He’d said a doctor friend of his had a patient that was putting her baby up for adoption and would see what he could do if that was our choice. There was really no discussion, I told him, ok, and within weeks Leanne, you were ours. But no, Dave wasn’t happy at first. He didn’t want a replacement for Julie.’

... a replacement.

I was a replacement ...

We drove in silence for the rest of the trip. I really had to let that sink in. I mean, I’d known I was adopted since before I knew what the word meant but I’d never considered myself a ‘replacement’ … but here it was. Dad had said it. He hadn’t meant it in a mean way, just his normal, matter-of-fact style.

Mom and dad tried for years to have a family and as often as they got pregnant, they miscarried. They were so grateful to finally have a son of their own, but the miscarriages were just too much emotionally. Dad blamed mom for not being able to carry a child and mom believed everything he said. For as long as I remembered, he made snide remarks about killing babies before they were born. ‘You can’t even do that right’, was something I heard him tell her a lot!

So, they adopted Julie ... and then replaced her with me.

Christmas that year was like most others.

Cribbage tournaments that lasted for days; 15-2, 15-4 and the rest don’t score. Rhymes like that could be heard in our house during the entire holiday as well as anytime my aunts and uncles came to visit. There were lots of aunts, uncles and cousins and tons of food and drinks.

Mom was a really good cook, but her dainties and goodies were hands down the best, and during the holidays, they were also endless. I think my favourite were mom’s butter tarts and lemon curd tarts. The most delicious blend of butter, corn syrup, brown sugar and raisins. Nothing healthy about them but those butter tarts were the cause of many teasing arguments over who got the last one.

Although I switch up my pastry recipe, mom’s butter tart filling is hands down the best I’ve ever tasted.

Mom’s Pastry

•6 cups flour

•2 tsp salt

•1 lb Tenderflake lard

•Cold water

1. Mix flour and salt together.

2. Cut in Tenderflake lard with pastry blender or 2 knives until mixture resembles coarse oatmeal.

3. Add only enough ice-cold water to make the dough easy to handle.

4. Roll out onto floured surface.

5. Transfer dough to pie plate or tart tins and bake according to recipe.

6. *For tarts, roll out, cut with large glass or round cookie cutter and shape into tart shells.

My Favorite Pastry – from the Spencer Centennial Cookbook

•5 cups flour

•½ tsp baking powder

•3 tsp brown sugar

•1 ½ tsp salt

•1 lb lard

•1 egg

•7-up

1. Mix dry ingredients together. Cut in lard until texture is crumbly.

2. Beat egg in measuring cup. Top up with 7-up until there is 1 cup of liquid.

3. Add to flour mixture a bit at a time, until mixture will handle easily (you may not use all the liquid). Makes dough for 3 large pies.

Butter Tart Filling yields 24 tarts

•1 cup brown sugar

•½ cup corn syrup (I never said they were healthy lol)

•6 tbsp soft butter

•2 eggs well beaten

•2 tsp vanilla

•2 tsp vinegar (not in all recipes but cuts the sweetness a bit and takes them from a 10 to a 99)

•¼ tsp salt

•2 cup raisins

1. Mix all together and ½ fill tart shells.

2. Bake at 375F for 16-18 minutes or until filling is set.

Lemon Curd

•1 cup white sugar

•¾ cup fresh squeezed lemon juice (mom always used ReaLemon from that squeezable plastic lemon that is in tons of Canadian refrigerators)3 eggs well beaten

•¼ cup cubed butter

1. Mix all together in a small saucepan, constantly whisking until curd holds whisk marks. Approx. 6-10 mins.

2. Fill precooked tart shells, spoon on biscuits, layer into fruit parfaits, use in poke cakes, serve topped on pancakes, filling for layer cakes … the uses are as limited as your imagination.

There were so many people around and all I felt was alone.

And confused.

So many emotions that I didn’t know how to process.

All I knew was it hurt. And I ate cookies and tarts.

I felt like someone had ripped something out of me. At one point I looked around at everyone ... Did THEY want me?

I’d always been told I was chosen and to my child’s mind, that meant that mom & dad went