Porn Land

By Kevin Shamel

OH, NO, PORN IS ILLEGAL!

That's right. Porn stars are criminals, pornographic websites are being systematically destroyed, and not even softcore or selfies are okay. And that's just in our world. It's literally destroying the magick city of sexual expression-PORN LAND!

Phil and Zed, arriving through magickal means and ill

• Language: English
• Publisher: Planet Bizarro
• Release date: Apr 11, 2022
• ISBN: 9781739792336

Book preview

Copyright © 2022 Kevin Shamel

A Planet Bizarro publication. All rights reserved.

Print ISBN: 978-1-7397923-2-9

eBook ISBN: 978-1-7397923-3-6

The characters and events portrayed in this book are fictitious. Any similarity to actual persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.

No part of this book may be reproduced, or stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without express written permission of the publisher.

Cover art: Jim Agpalza Interior art: Jim Agpalza

image-placeholderimage-placeholder

I want, I want, I want, I want to break free. – Queen

This book is dedicated to sex, love, sexy-love, lovey-sex, and everything about those things, in all their expressions, however you express them, as long as you’re not hurting anyone (unless you’re hurting some jackass’s moral sensibilities by being yourself—that’s okay).

Porn Land

Kevin Shamel

image-placeholder

Planet Bizarro Press

Contents

1. Beach Bungalow Boys in Big Trouble

2. Inside the Glazed Donut: Three for a Dozen

3. World Fuck-a-thon Championship International Orgiastic Olympic Sex-Out

4. Asian School-Girl Maids in Maid-School

5. Samurai Sex-Cult 777

6. Mushroom Women in Tentacle Dimension Four: White Cotton Cosmic Collision

7. Bear-Cop Disco Party on the Docks

8. Bondaged to Death

9. Saloon Girl: Poker in the Front, Liquor in the Rear

10. Pussy and Tits Force 17: Sexual Agent Tasty is Under-the-Covers as: Boobies Pussywillow on the Tail of Sodom Insane, Anal Ass-ass-sin: 1001 Nights of Eastern Exploration: Deep Insertion

11. Bitchy Nuns Who Need to be Fucked

12. The Open Door of the Glazed Donut

Afterword

Fullpage Image

About the Author

New Releases

Coming Soon

Chapter one

Beach Bungalow Boys in Big Trouble

Zed looked over his roommate’s shoulder at the photos of naked women dominating the screen. Phil, I worry.

Phil didn’t look up from his computer.

I know you worry, you fuckin’ pansy. That’s all I ever hear from you. ‘Oh, Phil, porn is illegal! Oh, Phil, you’re gonna get caught. Oh, Phil, I’ll go to jail, too, for being your accomplice.’ You fuckin’ homo.

"Well, it is illegal. And yeah, if you get caught, I’ll get in trouble, too. And homo is not an insult. What’s insulting is that you still use the word as some sort of slur and you’re my roommate, which makes me an accomplice to your homophobic bigotry, too. Also, I’m not gay."

Phil looked up from the tits on his screen. "You don’t know what you are. Don’t be such a tool. I know what I’m doing. I was trained by the U.S. Army to be invisible. No one’s ever going to find me online. I’m the one who was taught to find them. And I’ve gotta get this shit before it’s gone.

"Every day, a hundred underground sites are found and shut down. The way I’ve got it figured, I’ve got six months at the most to gather as much sweet, sweet sex stuff as I can. After that, we’ll be trading discs and water-damaged Hustler magazines from landfills and old man attics."

Zed glanced at the long wall behind his roommate. Bookshelves filled the space. DVDs were stacked three-deep on each shelf, alphabetically ordered. How much more porn can there be in the world?

Phil smiled, turning to face the DVD collection. You know that’s only about a fifth of what I’ve got. That’s just hardcopy. And that’s just the movies.

That’s my point, Phil. How much more do you need?

I need it all, brother. I need it all. Phil looked back to his screen. Oh! Come over here. I found this site just before you got home.

I don’t want to see it, Phil.

You don’t have to look at the naked pictures, Zed. I know how that upsets your sensibilities and all—you fucking pussy. No, check this out. It’s a site from the early 90s. Hell, it might be the first porn site ever. And there’s only been twelve visitors. Twelve. It was buried. It was just pure luck that I found it.

So?

So it’s thirty years old, and only twelve people have been there. Don’t you think that’s weird?

A little. I mean, since it’s pornography and all. Zed stepped behind Phil to see the screen.

Right. Even a Mormon like you knows that’s weird. But check this out. Phil opened a window on his screen. A map of a city appeared. Phil said, Porn Land! as Zed read the garish title on the screen. It’s a whole city of porn.

A map of a city filled the screen. The city was blocked off into neighborhoods and sections, labeled, Asiantown, Caballero Hill, Little Germany, Latina Island, Vivid Park, Futanari Gardens, and other descriptive place-names.

Tacky, Zed said. And I’m not a Mormon.

You mean awesome. Let’s visit Porn Land!

Phil, I—

Shut up, Zed, a little beaver ain’t gonna kill you. Phil clicked on the big red ENTER icon at the bottom of the map.

The outlines and place names on the map went from black to flashing red. The screen pulsed.

Come on, Phil said to the screen, get to the tits. He looked over his shoulder at Zed, who frowned but kept his eyes on the screen.

Light strobed into the room, turning the roommates’ expectant faces into a series of second-long snapshots. The red light made Phil look like a cartoon devil. Quick shadows flickered on the wall. The flashing increased in tempo and grew brighter.

Zed steadied himself, holding onto Phil’s chair. He put his beer on the desk as a moaning woman’s voice rattled the speakers. Zed looked at Phil, who was smiling a shiny red smile. The woman’s moaning rose in pitch, and she began to pant.

Awesome, Phil said.

The panting increased, as if someone was having some seriously intense sex. Squeals and shouts reverberated through the room. The light stopped flashing, and a solid red beam shot from the screen, blasting into the roommates. Zed saw Phil’s hair stand on end. Static electricity blazed like miniature lightning storms across his head. Zed looked at his hand. Orange electricity arced between his fingers.

The moaning and squealing became gasps of, Ooooh! Ooooooh! YES! Oh, YES!

Turn it off! yelled Zed.

The woman’s voice yelled, Oooooh, yes, Baby! I’m coming!

Hot red light, like someone stuffed an open microwave with forks and cranked it on high, burned into the room. The roommates threw their arms up to cover their faces. There was a loud pop, and too much heat. Zed screamed.

He was still screaming as the red light faded and he was smacked in the face with a big, fluffy pillow. It shut him up and knocked him down.

Phil was hit with a pillow, too, but he snatched it out of the hands of a young woman wearing a tight t-shirt and jogging shorts.

Giggling and happy shouts turned to pouting protests.

Zed used Phil to climb to his feet.

Beautiful, barely dressed girls surrounded them. Most held pillows.

Hey, how did you get in here? one of the young women asked, sticking out her lower lip. She wore a short red negligee. Her frilly red panties were visible below its hem.

The girls encircled the roommates, dropping their pillows. Phil and Zed realized that some of the girls weren’t wearing any tops.

Phil stammered, I-I-I… We-we-uh… We… Uh…

Many of the girls started giggling again.

Phil. Phil, what happened? Zed tapped his roommate’s arm and gawked at the pressing circle of girls.

A perky brunette wearing only a cheerleading skirt pressed herself against Zed. Her breasts rubbed his bare arm. "How did you get in here, stud?"

A redhead in a half t-shirt and terrycloth short-shorts said, Yeah… Did you naughty boys sneak into our sorority house while we were having our pillow fight?

All the girls giggled.

Zed asked, What’s going on, Phil? The girls pressed closer. We have to get out of here.

Get out of here? Phil asked.

Get out of here? all the girls echoed.

Phil smiled and took a step toward the brunette in the red negligee. He looked down at her breasts. We just arrived.

The girls giggled and bounced. Breasts bobbed throughout the room. Phil could see nothing else.

Zed noticed the posters of Disco John Travolta and Farrah Fawcett on the walls. He wondered about the shag carpet in the room, the hairstyles, and the big, clunky, rotary phone on the dresser.

Phil. Where is our apartment?

Phil didn’t answer.

Phil! Zed shook his shoulder. I’m serious. What the crap is going on?

Relax, man, said a permed blonde girl wearing a big pink bra and white tights.

She reminded Zed of photos of his aunt when she was young. The girl handed him a huge doobie and lit a Zippo.

The sorority sisters settled down, eager to smoke the joint. They sat cross-legged on the floor or draped themselves over beds. They flipped their hair and tickled each other.

Zed stared at the doobie between his fingers. Phil snatched it from him and leaned into the flame. He peered down the blonde’s bra as he lit up.

Phil!

Shut up, Zed.

A voice called from the open bathroom. Are you guys getting high without me?

Yes, Grace, a few girls answered.

A naked woman with a towel wrapped around her head walked out of the bathroom. She strode across the room and snatched the joint, her pendulous breasts swaying inches from Phil’s face.

She took a hit and looked down at him. Hey there, stud. She blew smoke in his face and handed him the joint. I’m Grace Altri, head sorority sister. I haven’t seen you around before. I know most of the boys at school. Just what are you hunks doing in our sorority house, anyway? She smiled wickedly.

Zed said, Leaving. He tried not to look at the ample pubic hair between her legs.

Phil stared. Her hips were level with his face.

Zed grabbed Phil by the shirt and dragged him out the door.

The girls protested. Don’t go! We need help with our oral history. We need to practice our cheers. We were just about to talk about what we learned in sex-ed! You have our joint!

Phil yelled, We’ll be right back! He twisted in his roommate’s grip.

Zed pulled him down the hardwood hall, being sure to slam the door behind them.

Phil got to his feet. "What the fuck, Zed? This is exactly like Sorority Sisters Sex-Out ‘77."

Phil, you have to think beyond the boobs. Where are we? What’s going on?

Phil smoothed his clothes, looking past Zed to the girls’ door. I don’t fuckin’ know, dude. Some sorority house filled with giggling chicks who want us to hang out and get high with them? Come on. This is your big chance to lose your virginity. He took a hit off the doobie, looking down at his chest. You stretched out my shirt.

Did you see the posters? The carpet? Look around. Something really fucked is going on, Phil. What happened to us? Zed pointed at the freaky swirled wallpaper and lava lamp beside a rotary phone on an orange and brown table. And I’m not a virgin!

"Oh, I saw the carpet. That Grace chick has a serious wooly bicycle seat, dude. But yeah, this is pretty fuckin’ weird. Maybe it’s a dream. Phil took a toke and rubbed the wall.

A dream? Phil, we just got sucked through the computer! We have to find out what’s happening. I’m calling someone.

Who’re you gonna call? The Geek Squad? We didn’t get sucked through the computer. Maybe we’re hypnotized. This is probably just my dream, though. Phil took another hit off the joint.

The police. My mom. I don’t know. This isn’t a dream, Phil!

Don’t call the cops, dude. Your mom? Jesus.

Zed snatched the receiver of the big old phone. This is messed up, he said as he dialed his mother’s phone number, turning the rotary dialer with a shaky finger.

Phil toked on the joint. Muffled laughter came from the girls’ room. Dude, I’ve never seen so many hot bodies in real life. So many of those girls touched me. Stroked my arms and hair. Damn.

Phil opened a door beside them, hoping to find more girls. The room was dark and empty. No wallpaper. Gray paint. Gray floor. He went to the next door and found a blank wall behind it. Not even a room.

Zed spoke into the receiver, What? No, I’m trying to call my mother. I don’t want to know that! He hung up the phone.

What? asked Phil, returning to his roommate.

"I dialed my mom’s number. I know I did. But some guy answered. He was all, ‘Hey, girls, you need some help with your homework?’ I told him I was calling my mom, and he said he could do my mom, too. Then he started talking about the size of his… I hung up."

Let me call someone. I’ll call my buddy Edwin. He’s always home. Phil dialed. He slammed the phone down after sputtering a few half-sentences and yelling obscenities.

Same guy?

Yeah. He just started talking about his dick. Called me Brenda.

Moaning came from the girls’ room. Some giggling. The Bee Gees.

Phil, we have to get out of here.

I think they’re having an orgy in there, dude. Let’s go back. We can get out of here later. He took a hit off the joint. It had gone out, but Phil didn’t notice.

He made a move for the girls’ room. Zed reached out and snatched him by the collar.

Dude! Ow! Phil choked himself but kept trying to get to the room.

Zed held Phil’s shirt and dialed 911. Hello? Yes, it’s an emergency. What? No! Send the police. I don’t care the name of the detective. What? No!

Zed released Phil.

Phil smacked into the wall. Ow, man!

Phil, that was a very weird emergency operator. A cop is coming, and—

I told you not to call the cops.

Phil grabbed Zed and dragged him down the winding staircase.

A woman dressed in a corset and bell-bottom leather pants came out of a door just as Phil and Zed hit the big front door. Hey! she called, Get back here, studs. You didn’t check-in with me. I’m the house mother! She cupped her large, pushed-up breasts.

Phil turned around. Okay, he said.

Zed pushed Phil outside. They stumbled down some stairs and onto a walkway in the front yard. They looked back at the sorority house.

A sign hung over the front door: Pi Pi Pi

Zed pulled Phil to the street as the leathery lady burst out the door, shaking her fists.

Come back for your spankings! She didn’t leave the porch.

Where are we? Zed asked. He jogged down the street, tugging Phil along by the shirt.

Phil shrugged him off at the corner and pointed to the street signs. We’re at the corner of Fox and Sparxxx.