New England New Play Anthology

By StageSource

StageSource’s New England New Play Alliance presents a diverse collection of eight new plays from some of New England’s best playwrights: Windowmen by Steven Barkhimer, Splendor by Kirsten Greenidge, Hell by Fire, Hell by Ice by MJ Halberstadt, Necessary Monsters by John Kuntz, Becoming Cuba

• Language: English
• Publisher: StageSource
• Release date: Mar 22, 2017
• ISBN: 9780692839430

Book preview

The New England New Play Alliance’s

The New England New Play Anthology

Edited by Patrick Gabridge and Laura Neill

A StageSource Project

The New England New Play Alliance is a StageSource project with the goal of bringing together the collective energy and resources of new play creators in New England to grow audiences for new plays, encourage more new play development and production, and spread the word about the many exciting new plays being generated in our region to the rest of the world.

StageSource provides leadership and services to advance the art of theater in the Greater Boston and New England region. Our mission is to unite theater artists, theater companies, and related organizations in vision and goals that inspire and empower our community to realize its greatest artistic potential.

Copyright © 2017 by StageSource

All rights reserved

Published by StageSource

15 Channel Center Street, Suite 103

Boston, MA 02210

www.stagesource.org

Cover Design by Jake Catsaros

Cover Image by Jake Catsaros

Text Design and Layout by Patrick Gabridge

First edition: February 2017

CAUTION: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that plays represented in this book are subject to a royalty. They are fully protected under copyright laws of the United States of America and of all countries covered by the International Copyright Union (including the Dominion of Canada and the rest of the British Commonwealth), the Berne Convention, the Pan-American Copyright Convention, and the Universal Copyright Convention, as well as all countries with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations. All rights, including professional and amateur stage rights, motion picture, recitation, lecturing, public reading, radio broadcasting, television, video or sound recording, all other forms of mechanical or electronic reproduction, such as CD-ROM, CD-I, information storage and retrieval systems, and photocopying, and the rights of translation into foreign languages, are strictly reserved. Particular emphasis is laid upon the matter of readings, permission for which must be secured in writing. See individual plays for contact information.

E-book ISBN: 9780692839430

Acknowledgements

Making an anthology like this requires the input, work, and support of many people. This project was a long time in arriving and required a lot of faith from people across the New England theatre community. In particular, we need to thank:

Julie Hennrikus and Emma Putnam were always there when we needed them.

MJ Halberstadt and Scott Welty met with Patrick in 2014, in a pastry shop in Brookline, where they cooked up this whole idea.

K. Alexa Mavromatis and Doc Laaki helped with early planning.

Ilana Brownstein, Charles Haugland, and Jessie Baxter met with Patrick early in the process and gave important guidance.

Many thanks go to our reading committee, a group of local dramaturgs, literary managers, and theatre artists. We’d especially like to thank Brian Balduzzi, Haley Fluke, and Ty Furman, who dedicated an exceptional amount of time and energy to carefully selecting the final plays.

Our team of intrepid Emerson students made the IndieGogo campaign happen: Alicia Bettano, Daniel Begin, Clare Lockhart, and Jake Catsaros. Jake also did a fabulous job on our cover and web design. And a bunch of playwrights gave us promo videos: David Valdes Greenwood, Tyler Monroe, Cassie Seinuk, Deirdre Girard, Carl Danielson, MJ Halberstadt.

Naomi Ibasitas helped Laura and the selection committee with organizing and e-mailing.

StageSource interns Mary Frances Nosser and Michela Tucci helped bring the project back on track and into the home stretch.

Our team of proofreaders are evidence that our theater community is always willing to step up when we need them. Big thanks to Juliet Bowler, Steven Bergman, Ellen Davis Sullivan, Amy Merrill, Lisa Rafferty, Stefanie Cloutier, and Karla Sorenson.

The following theaters showed their commitment to New England new plays by making pledges when all this was still just a big idea:

Actors Studio of Newburyport

All Stories/Beth Danesco

Argos Productions

Boston Playwrights’ Theatre

Bridge Rep of Boston

Firehouse Center for the Arts

Hibernian Hall

Boston Public Works

New Repertory Theatre

Nora Theatre Company

Open Theatre Project

Playwrights Platform

Project: Project

Rhombus

Second Act Productions

Sleeping Weazel

Speakeasy Stage Company

TC Squared Playwrights’ Lab

Underground Railway Theater

Wellesley Summer Theater

These sponsors helped make our IndieGogo campaign a success:

Boston Playwrights’ Theatre

The Bostonian Society

Ester Restaurant

Fresh Ink Theatre

Huntington Theatre Company

Julie Hennrikus

Merrimack Repertory Theatre

Porter Square Books

Wilbury Theatre Group

This book would not exist without these Special Patrons:

Scot Colford

Alex Donnelly

Amy Merrill

Additional support came from:

Travis Amiel, Janet Bailey, Eva Bilick, Sara Glidden, Joe Jockhart, Ginger Lazarus, Laura Logan, Rick Park, Cassie Seinuk, Anne Easter Smith, Peter Snoad, Ellen Sullivan, and Joyce Van Dyke

–Patrick Gabridge and Laura Neill

Foreword

StageSource, the service organization for the New England theater community, has long had a practice of highlighting new work and local playwrights on our StagePage (myStagePage.com). In my six years as executive director, I have never sent a call out for volunteers that at least one playwright hasn’t attended. Playwrights regularly serve on the board of the organization. In 2014, when the New England New Play Alliance was formed, StageSource was pleased to be able to support the group, using the infrastructure of our 30-year-old organization to support the efforts of playwrights to raise the profile of the work being done in New England.

As a service organization, StageSource has over 200 organizational members and hundreds of individual members. We help connect people to jobs, auditions, opportunities. We provide professional development workshops and classes. We support initiatives around gender parity and access, and collaborate with other organizations to provide a web of services. Amongst our core values are diversity, equity, and inclusion. This is another reason that we support the work of the New England New Play Alliance.

New work is the answer. New work offers new perspectives. New work includes voices that have been historically silenced, or not counted, on our stages. New work reflects our society right now, in this tumultuous time. New work offers arts the opportunity to wrestle with the creative process.

New work is the answer.

In this book, you will find some of the work that has been produced by New England playwrights. We hope you enjoy it, produce it, and explore the other work created by these artists. We hope that you get the New England New Play Alliance newsletter, so you can continue to explore new work being done in the region. We hope that you go to MyStagePage.com and search on new work and local playwrights. We hope that you attend a new play at least once a season.

New work is the answer. You have proof of that in your hands. Enjoy.

Julie Hennrikus

Executive Director

StageSource

Editor’s Note

We started the New England New Play Alliance in 2014, with three specific goals:

--To grow audiences for new plays

--To encourage more new play development and productions

--To spread the word outside of Boston/New England about playwrights and new plays in New England.

We began with a big roster of working groups and quickly established a weekly new play newsletter that lets our regional audiences know about all the new plays being read or produced in our area. We undertook a study of audiences for new work in the 2012-14 seasons, which put hard numbers behind what many of us had come to realize: Boston is an active hub for new plays. In that two-year stretch, Greater Boston saw 207 new play events, from 55 companies, presenting 1,699 performances, for more than 280,000 people.

Yet people outside of our region (and many within New England) are surprised to hear us talk about Boston as a new play hotspot. And not just new work, but exciting, challenging, and diverse plays.

This book is part of our attempt to change that.

For a script to be considered for this anthology, it had to be submitted by a New England theater company that had produced it within the past five years, and the writer needed to be based in New England. Each company could only submit one play (which for some companies required a difficult decision, from numerous options). From the many scripts submitted, this collection contains the strongest and most diverse plays, by some of the most highly regarded playwrights in our region. The companies whose work was selected include theaters of all sizes, from the large regional Huntington Theatre Company to the tiny fringe Fresh Ink Theatre, which specializes in new plays.

These plays range from lovely dreams of aliens and connection, in Walt McGough’s Priscilla Dreams the Answer, to the shared nightmare of John Kuntz’s Necessary Monsters. Marisa Smith’s Saving Kitty aims a poke at liberals in her sharply comic twist on Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner. In Windowmen, Steven Barkhimer gives us a grittily realistic glimpse behind the scenes at the 1980s Fulton Fish Market, with characters who crackle on the page. Two of our most prominent local writers, Melinda Lopez and Kristen Greenidge, have given us plays of enormous depth, as Lopez’s Becoming Cuba delves into the tumult and sparks of revolution on the eve of the Spanish-American War, and Greenidge’s Splendor creates a multi-generational family tapestry with an ambitious scope. Our two one-act plays, MJ Halberstadt’s Hell by Fire, Hell by Ice and John Minigan’s Easter at the Entrée Gold, give us a tiny taste of the rich short play scene in our region.

I am fortunate to have seen most of these plays when they were first staged, but it has been an absolute pleasure to revisit them on the page. Each new reading has brought fresh insights into the characters and their struggles.

I hope that you will enjoy reading these plays and that our publication of them will lead to additional productions in other parts of the country. This work only begins to scratch the surface of our extremely deep talent pool in New England. Keep your eyes open–there will be more to come.

Patrick Gabridge, Coordinator

New England New Play Alliance

Priscilla Dreams the Answer by Walt McGough

Copyright © 2011 by Walt McGough. All rights reserved. CAUTION: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that plays represented in this book are subject to a royalty. They are fully protected under copyright laws of the United States of America and of all countries covered by the International Copyright Union (including the Dominion of Canada and the rest of the British Commonwealth), the Berne Convention, the Pan-American Copyright Convention, and the Universal Copyright Convention, as well as all countries with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations. All rights, including professional and amateur stage rights, motion picture, recitation, lecturing, public reading, radio broadcasting, television, video or sound recording, all other forms of mechanical or electronic reproduction, such as CD-ROM, CD-I, information storage and retrieval systems, and photocopying, and the rights of translation into foreign languages, are strictly reserved. Particular emphasis is laid upon the matter of readings, permission for which must be secured in writing.

Required royalties must be paid every time this play is performed before any audience, whether or not it is presented for profit and whether or not admission is charged.

All inquiries concerning rights, including amateur rights, should be addressed to: Playscripts, Inc., 7 Penn Plaza, Suite 904, New York, NY, 10001, 866-639-7529.

Priscilla Dreams the Answer, an introduction:

Walt McGough’s Priscilla Dreams the Answer, produced in December 2011 at the Factory Theatre, was the inaugural production for Fresh Ink Theatre. The play’s charm, energy, and innate theatricality made it an obvious choice for our first season, and the production set the tone for exactly the kind of work Fresh Ink hoped to bring to Boston stages -- inventive, full of heart, and of course, local. Walt’s ability to combine evocative language with humor and a deep empathy for his characters makes this play stick with you long after you’ve left the theatre, and set a high bar for our future work and the work of companies doing new plays all over Boston.

Ultimately, Priscilla Dreams the Answer is a story about human connection, a theme that’s just as relevant today as when the play first premiered. Fresh Ink has gone on to produce plays of all sorts in the years since Walt’s script first crossed our path, but Priscilla Dreams the Answer remains a prime example of the kind of exceptional work being created by playwrights right here in New England.

Louise Hamill, Artistic Director & Co-Founder

Jessie Baxter, Literary Director & Co-Founder

Fresh Ink Theatre

Walt McGough is a Boston-based playwright (by way of Pittsburgh and Chicago). In Boston, he has held fellowships with both the Huntington and New Repertory Theatre Companies, and was a finalist for the 2016 Dramatists Guild Lanford Wilson Award. His plays include Pattern of Life, which was named Best New Play by the Independent Reviewers of New England, and The Farm, Priscilla Dreams the Answer, and Paper City Phoenix, all of which received Best New Play IRNE nominations. Other plays include Chalk, Dante Dies!! (and then things get weird), The Haberdasher!, and Non-Player Character. He has worked around the country with companies such as La Mama, The Playwrights Foundation, The Lark, the Huntington, New Rep, the Kennedy Center, NNPN, Boston Playwrights Theatre, Fresh Ink, Sideshow, Orfeo Group, Nu Sass Productions, Chicago Dramatists, and Argos. In 2015, his play Advice for Astronauts was selected as the winner of the Milken Playwriting Prize. He serves on the staff at SpeakEasy Stage Company in Boston, and was previously the company manager at Chicago Dramatists. He holds a BA from the University of Virginia, and an MFA in playwriting from Boston University.

Priscilla Dreams the Answer was originally developed and workshopped at Chicago Dramatists, Chicago, IL.

The World Premiere was produced at the 2011 Capital Fringe Festival in Washington, DC, by Nu Sass Productions, and directed by Emily Todd, with the following cast:

PRISCILLA Raven Bonniwell

SIMON Luke Cieslewicz

HARRY Stephanie Svec

ZIP Aubri O’Connor 

ZOP Tiffany Garfinkle 

The New England Premiere was produced in 2011 by the Fresh Ink Theatre Company in Boston, MA, and directed by Melanie Garber, with the following cast:

PRISCILLA Caroline Price

SIMON Michael Caminiti

HARRY Bob Mussett

ZIP Emily Kaye Lazzaro

ZOP Dakota Shepard

With the following additional staff:

Stage Manager - Terry Torres

Dramaturg - Jessie Baxter

Scenic Designer - Andrea VanDenBroeke

Lighting Designer - Michael Clark Wonson

Assistant Lighting Designer - Erik Fox

Costume Designer - Vivian Yee

Sound Consultant - David Max Gibbons

Prop Design - Cassandra Meyer

Graphic Design - Kathleen Piper Crosby

Special Recognitions:

Best Comedy, 2011 Capital Fringe Festival

Priscilla Dreams the Answer

CHARACTERS:

PRISCILLA, 27, curious.

SIMON, mid-thirties, quiet. Played by the actor who plays ONE.

HARRY, mid-fifties, gruff. Played by the actor who plays TWO.

ZIP, an alien, perky. Played by the actress who plays THREE.

ZOP, an alien, likes movies. Played by the actress who plays FOUR.

PLACE:

A city. Variously: Priscilla’s apartment, Harry’s hobby shop, a game show studio.

TIME:

Presentish.

Note

The setting and scene changes should be minimal, to give as fluid and dreamlike a feel as possible. As many transitions and special effects as possible should be performed by the ensemble.

Special Thanks

Jessie Baxter, Jim Bartruff, Bob Boles, Kristie Berger, Victor Cole, Melanie Garber, Rachel Edwards Harvith, Tony Howarth, Gregg Henry, Doug MacKechnie, Jennifer Shin, Kate Snodgrass, Emily Todd, Russ Tutterow, Andrea Washburn, and the stellar casts, crew and production staffs of Nu Sass Productions and Fresh Ink Theatre Company, for making such a weird little dream come true.

PRISCILLA DREAMS THE ANSWER

(PRISCILLA sits in the center of the stage, watching TV with a box of tissues. The ENSEMBLE observes and describes.)

ONE: Priscilla cries when she watches game shows.

FOUR: It’s kind of a nightly thing for her.

TWO: She comes home from work at the hobby shop and she heats up some Ramen and she puts on her slippers and by seven she’s watching the Game Show Network and sobbing into a Kleenex.

THREE: It’s not because of childhood trauma, or deep-seated fears about failure, or even because she wants to be on a game show, really.

FOUR: Though by now she’d be pretty good just from osmosis.

THREE: Priscilla cries when she watches game shows because the contestants break her heart. To her there is something lovely about Midwestern housewives and blow-dried men who can’t remember the name of a common vegetable known for its bulbous taproot–

PRISCILLA: (Talking to the TV) Turnip.

TWO: …the leaves of which are a Southern staple–

PRISCILLA: It’s a turnip.

TWO: …which was referred to by Pliny the Elder as the most important vegetable of his day–

PRISCILLA: (Growing agitated) …Come on, you can get it; say turnip!

TWO: And was once used commonly for lanterns at Halloween.

PRISCILLA: (Crying now) It’s a freaking turnip you moron!!!

(She calms herself, somewhat.)

ONE: Priscilla sees something sacred in this.

THREE: Watching their faces contort; watching them grind their teeth; watching them whisper quiet prayers to the ether, all of these things are meaningful to Priscilla. Standing under stage lights in garish polyester, they epitomize to her the search for deeper truth.

TWO: They make her feel connected.

FOUR: They make her feel less lonely.

ONE: Priscilla looks for truth, as well.

THREE: She spends most days since the car crash asking herself questions, and she thinks she’s mostly wrong.

FOUR: So seeing all these people search for answers is religious to her. She cries when they are wrong.

ONE: But also when they’re right.

TWO: And can’t explain it either way.

ONE: (Becoming SIMON) At the moment, Priscilla is in Heaven. Because right now, Simon is playing.

(He takes a position at a podium; Priscilla watches.)

FOUR: Simon has never let Priscilla down. He is a game-show regular, skipping from program to program, and Priscilla has never seen him miss a question.

TWO: He stays on each show night by night as the flawless reigning champion, until the producers finally have had enough and kick him off the show to make way for stupider people.

THREE: He’s then welcomed by the next show at the studio.

FOUR: People like Priscilla follow Simon, and tune in to watch him on any show at all.

SIMON: It’s flattering, in a way.

TWO: Tonight, Simon is on a show called Many Hats, which forces its contestants to put on funny headwear if they answer a question correctly, with each hat zanier than the last.

THREE: The idea, Priscilla assumes, is to humiliate the contestants’ brains, and distract them from answering questions.

FOUR: Simon is in his third week on the show, and has exhausted its entire supply of hats. Desperate, the producers have put an empty can on Simon’s head, provided by their sponsors, Pittman’s Potted Meat.

SIMON: They didn’t clean it well, so it’s still a little meaty.

TWO: But Simon soldiers on, and each new question brings the ritual Priscilla loves.

THREE: Because Simon doesn’t just answer correctly.

FOUR: That would be impressive, but boring.

TWO: What makes Priscilla love him is how profoundly, immensely unhappy each answer seems to make him. An example:

THREE: (As the GAME SHOW HOST) Our next question is for Simon. What common vegetable, known for its bulbous taproot, was referred to by Pliny the Elder as the most important vegetable of his day?

FOUR: At first, Simon just looks shocked.

TWO: Like the question has caught him off guard, or he forgot it was his turn.

PRISCILLA: (Talking to the TV.) Turnip.

FOUR: But then, he starts to move. First he flexes both his hands–

TWO: And his shoulders tense and spread.

FOUR: His head and eyes roll back, and his mouth begins to open–

THREE: But he doesn’t answer yet.

TWO: Instead, he stretches out, like he’s reaching for somewhere else–

PRISCILLA: You can do it, say Turnip–

TWO: His shoes bite down for purchase–

FOUR: And he reaches for something unseen–

PRISCILLA: Please–

THREE: Something far down, in the ether–

TWO: He just reaches further and further–

PRISCILLA: It’s a turnip–

THREE: (As GAME SHOW HOST) Whenever you’re ready, Simon.

FOUR: And then, at the worst moment–

THREE: Just when Priscilla starts to cry–

TWO: And he’s about to come up empty–

PRISCILLA: God dammit, Simon, dammit!

THREE: His eyes snap open, his head rolls down, his body releases and–

SIMON: Turnip!! (Coming back to reality a bit.) It’s, a, uh, it’s a turnip.

(Priscilla relaxes.)

THREE: (As GAME SHOW HOST) Correct! (A beat.) Christ, we gotta find another hat.

TWO: The only game shows Simon loses are the ones with buzzers or time limits.

THREE: But given the chance, allowed to stretch, Simon always answers right.

FOUR: And looks miserable about it.

PRISCILLA: Priscilla doesn’t know why, but she’s pretty sure she loves it.

(Lights change.)

ONE: That night, like most, Priscilla doesn’t sleep. She dreams.

PRISCILLA: Tonight she dreams she’s standing in a field of paper flowers, waiting for her mother to get home from work. In her dream the sky is open and blue and blank, and a window floats in front of her and through it she can see a boat with Simon on it, floating in a choppy sea. And as it races towards her she leans through the window but suddenly it’s gone and she’s floating in the ocean with the boat coming towards her and Simon is there and he’s reaching, and reaching, and reaching out to pull her up and suddenly it’s gone and she’s floating in the water and the dream becomes a mess of light and dark and question marks and sounds.

THREE: The dream ends just like every other dream this month, with aliens calling her phone at 3 a.m.

(Priscilla’s phone rings. She sits up and looks at it. Lights change.)

TWO: That morning, Priscilla goes to work.

THREE: She works as a clerk at Harry’s Hobby Shop, selling games and toys to bored and shiftless children.

TWO: (Becoming HARRY) The founder of the shop is Harry, a man who’s either senile or immortal and claims to be a veteran of every American war.

FOUR: He often gets them confused.

HARRY: (Looking up from his crossword) Did you know this isn’t my real ear?

PRISCILLA: …The right one or the left?

HARRY: Left. A guard dog bit it off outside Berlin. It was my fault, though, I was teasing him. Most dogs keep to themselves, even the guard dogs, but I was throwing firecrackers for some reason. (A beat.) They replaced it with some skin from my thigh. The ear, not the dog.

PRISCILLA: I thought they took it from your back.

HARRY: No, that was for my nose, in Indo-China. Goddamn Chinese parrot took the tip right off. Better than Gettysburg, anyway. Whole damn leg blown off.

PRISCILLA: Uh huh.

HARRY: Played checkers on the wooden leg for a while; s’what gave me the idea for the hobby shop.

PRISCILLA: Mm.

HARRY: Gotta have a hobby, been around as long as me. (A beat.) They call again last night?

PRISCILLA: Who?

HARRY: The aliens.

PRISCILLA: Oh, yes. They did.

ONE: Priscilla told Harry about the aliens because she wanted to balance all the crazy in the store.

HARRY: How do you know they’re aliens if you never pick up the phone?

PRISCILLA: I just do; it’s a dream. They’re aliens and I don’t want to talk to them.

HARRY: Good idea. It’s bound to be expensive if you pick it up. They’re probably calling collect.

THREE: In truth, Priscilla answered the phone for the first time last night.

FOUR: She doesn’t tell Harry because she’s not sure how she feels about it yet.

ONE: Priscilla’s conversation with the aliens went like this, exactly:

(Flashback to the night before. Priscilla picks up the phone. THREE becomes ZIP, and FOUR becomes ZOP.)

PRISCILLA: Hello?

TWO: (As PHONE OPERATOR) You have a collect call from–

ZIP and ZOP: Aliens.

TWO: Will you accept the charges?

PRISCILLA: …I’m not sure; how much will it–

TWO: Thank you for accepting, have a lovely night.

(A beep. The line picks up.)

PRISCILLA: Hello?

ZIP and ZOP: Hello.

ZIP: Is this Priscilla?

PRISCILLA: It is. Is this…an alien?

ZIP: It is.

PRISCILLA: Oh. (An awkward silence.) Do you have a name?

ZIP: We do, but they’re unpronounceable. You may call me Zip. My partner’s name is Zop.

ZOP: We thought you’d find those names amusing.

PRISCILLA: Are you on separate phones?

ZOP: We’re speaking telepathically.

ZIP: We thought the phone would make you more comfortable.

PRISCILLA: Oh.

ZOP: You can hang up if you’d like.

PRISCILLA: Okay. (She hangs up. A beat.) Are you still there?

ZIP and ZOP: Yes.

(Priscilla jumps.)

PRISCILLA: Where are you?

ZOP: Inside your mind. (She looks around.) It’s nice.

ZIP: We have traveled through the void of space to find you, Priscilla. We’re very glad you answered tonight; we’ve been calling all month long.

PRISCILLA: I know you have, and I’m very sorry for not answering, but it was always very early and I don’t know what you want. (A beat.) What do you want?

ZOP: That is simple. We want you to save the world.

PRISCILLA: …Oh.

ZIP: May we come up and explain?

PRISCILLA: I don’t think so, I… no. I’m sorry, no, you can’t. I haven’t cleaned recently, and the apartment’s a mess, there are socks and Kleenex all over the couch, and… and also, it’s three o’clock in the morning and I’m talking to aliens who called me collect–

ZOP: We would happily reimburse you for the call–

PRISCILLA: It’s not the money, though, it’s, it’s that for the last month my phone has rung every night and it’s been really messing with my sleep and I don’t even know if it’s real or not and it probably isn’t but still… and I don’t know what you’d want from me anyway… I mean I really don’t do anything or know anything special at all, I’m not strong or really clever and I always run into things and have bruises on my shins from my coffee table and so whatever you need I’m not sure that I could help you, even if you were real, which you’re probably not. I just work at a hobby shop and then come home at night and watch game shows and throw socks on the couch, apparently, and I don’t even know why I do that so I definitely don’t know how to help you. I’m sorry.

ZIP: If you believed we were real, could we speak with you?

PRISCILLA: I’m sorry?

ZIP: If you believed we were real, could we come inside?

PRISCILLA: …Yes. But I–

ZIP: Very well. Goodbye.

(Zip and Zop are gone. Priscilla holds the phone.)

ONE: This experience has left Priscilla flustered.

(We’re back in the hobby shop.)

HARRY: You really should answer the phone, you know. Expensive or not, they’re aliens and they want to talk.

PRISCILLA: I can’t imagine why.

HARRY: Maybe to save the world. Who knows. (He gets up to leave.) Gotta go deliver some fake vomit. Be back.

(He exits.)

ONE: That night, Priscilla finds her apartment covered in bubble-wrap.

(Back in Priscilla’s apartment. There is, in fact, bubble wrap everywhere.)

THREE: It covers every surface, and clings to every corner.

TWO: It pops underfoot when she walks, with a springy sort of dynamite.

FOUR: It makes the entire room sparkle, like the inside of a disco ball.

PRISCILLA: It makes using the microwave hard. (She thinks.) But I guess it is kind of cool.

THREE: And in the center of the poppable apartment, Priscilla finds a note.

TWO: It’s a card, a birthday card, depicting a boat on the ocean. Inside is an inscription:

THREE: Thinking of you on your special day.

ONE: And, below that, five handwritten words:

FOUR: Do you believe us now?

ONE: Priscilla has to admit it’s all rather convincing.

(Lights change. The ensemble produces visual aids.)

TWO: If Priscilla’s life were a math equation, its answer would be a variable of unknown quantity.

THREE: An x, maybe, or a y.

FOUR: Or a q.

ONE: On the other side of the equals sign would be a jumble of smaller expressions, contained in their own sets of parentheses.

THREE: One hometown divided by two houses plus three apartments over twenty-seven years.

TWO: Catholic grade school plus public high school plus math degree plus philosophy minor times disillusionment.

THREE: Zero siblings plus Parental units squared–

FOUR: Divided by car crash.

(A beat.)

ONE: Plus three dogs over childhood plus one bird over adulthood minus one bird multiplied by sudden unexplained bird-cancer.

FOUR: Priscilla often pictures these expressions in her mind, rearranging and revaluing each separate element and seeing what they yield. But the answer side of the equation remains unknowable, unseeable, staunchly refusing to give up its secrets.

THREE: A single x, or y, or q, floating graphlessly alone in space.

(Lights change to later.)

TWO: Later in the evening, after peeling the bubbles from the screen of the TV and unwrapping the remote from its air-padded cocoon, Priscilla sits on the couch and goes through her routine.

FOUR: She’s through the early game shows now: Who’d Like to Get Rich Quick and Jump Through Hoops For Money, and now feels thoroughly warmed up.

ONE: Priscilla sits, and waits for Simon.

FOUR: Who is, she soon discovers, no longer on TV.

THREE: (As Announcer) Welcome to this evening’s edition of Many Hats, America’s Haberdasherist Game Show! Unfortunately, it is our duty to inform you that Mister Simon Sweede, our most successful Hatter yet, has had to leave the show unexpectedly, and will be replaced this evening by Mrs. Libby Laroquette from Buckster County, West Virginia.

(Priscilla sits up on the couch, alarmed, and begins flipping through channels.)

FOUR: At first she thinks he’s just changed shows again. He has done it before.

TWO: But as Priscilla changes channels, a pit inside her slowly grows.

THREE: He’s not on Guess That Goose.

TWO: He’s not on Poor and Stupid.

FOUR: He’s not on Baby Toss or Laser Quiz, or even Fishy Face.

TWO: She sits for four more hours, the entire prime-time block, surfing the whole time.

THREE: With each new click she clicks, the likelihood of Simon decreases exponentially. Eventually, it’s zero.

ONE: As far as TV is concerned, Simon has completely disappeared.

FOUR: And in an evening full of questions, her only hope for an answer is gone.

TWO: And sitting, looking around her plastified apartment,

THREE: All bubble-wrap aside,

ONE: Priscilla suddenly feels less safe.

(The phone rings. Priscilla, startled, answers.)

PRISCILLA: Hello?

(Zip and Zop appear suddenly)

ZIP and ZOP: Hello.

PRISCILLA: (Startled, dropping the phone.) Ah! (Collecting herself.) Are you… in my head? Right now?

ZIP: No. We’re in your apartment.

ZOP: On your couch. (She sits.) It’s nice.

PRISCILLA: How did you get in here?

ZOP: You believe in us now, so we can come and go as we please.

ZIP: Did you like the card?

ZOP: It was the cheapest we could find.

PRISCILLA: It’s not my birthday.

ZIP: We know.

ZOP: But there was nothing available to express what needed to be said.

PRISCILLA: And… what’s that?

ZIP: That at this moment you are the most important person in the galaxy.

(Lights change.)

ONE: If asked to pick a word or phrase to best describe Priscilla, the five people who know her most intimately would likely say:

TWO: She’s quiet.

THREE: She’s reserved.

ONE: She’s a little dreamy.

TWO: Timid. Very timid.

FOUR: I’m sorry… who were we talking about again?

ONE: It is for this reason, and probably many others, that Priscilla has never before been called important. For such a momentous moment, only one answer can suffice.

PRISCILLA: I think you have the wrong person.

ZOP: We have done our research and are incredibly thorough. The entire fate of both your world and ours rests squarely on your shoulders.

ZIP: It’s why we bought all of this padding; we have to keep you safe.

PRISCILLA: There’s nothing important about me, though, so why would you need me–

ZOP: All will be made clear. Observe.

(Zop suddenly snaps to attention and stares vacantly out into space.)

PRISCILLA: …What is she–

ZIP: She’s preparing.

PRISCILLA: For what?

ZIP: The demonstration.

PRISCILLA: What demonstra–

(Suddenly, sound and lights shift and Zop speaks in a booming, documentary-style voice. Perhaps projected images accompany her.)

ZOP: BILLIONS OF EONS AGO, YOUR PLANET AND OURS WAS FORMED FROM THE MOLTEN MAGMA OF–

ZIP: Oh, please, skip to the end.

ZOP: (Returning to normal abruptly) It is establishing detail, and–

ZIP: It’s very long and loud, though, and the sounds are incredibly jarring. You can get the gist from the end.

PRISCILLA: As long as I can get the gist…

ZIP: You can. (To Zop) Skip forward.

ZOP: But there is a very impressive light display and–

ZIP: Skip forward!

ZOP: Fine. (Snapping back into projection mode.) THUS, YOUR WORLD AND OURS ARE JOINED BY A DEEP AND MEANINGFUL PSYCHIC BOND.

PRISCILLA: Where is your world, exactl–

ZOP: THAT WAS COVERED IN THE PREVIOUS SECTIONS.

PRISCILLA: Yes, but we skipped them, and–

ZOP: WOULD YOU LIKE TO RETURN TO A PREVIOUS SECTION.

ZIP: No!

PRISCILLA: No, I’m just curious about–

ZOP: I TOLD YOU WE SHOULD HAVE STARTED AT THE BEGINNING.

ZIP: And I told you that–

ZOP: SHE MAY NOT FIND IT SO BORING IT’S JUST THAT YOU’VE HEARD IT BEFORE AND–

ZIP: We’ll give her a summary later, but–

PRISCILLA: Please, it’s okay! I’ll catch up later, but for now we can just–

ZOP: (Picking up where she left off) BECAUSE OF THEIR PSYCHIC BONDS, OUR TWO PLANETS ARE INTRINSICALLY TIED TO EACH OTHER, SO THAT WERE ONE PLANET TO FALTER THE OTHER WOULD SURELY FAIL AS WELL. AND NOW YOUR PLANET FACES ULTIMATE PERIL, AS COVERED EARLIER IN THE PRESENTATION, AND DUE TO THE MANY AFOREMENTIONED PIECES OF INFORMATION YOU ARE OUR ONLY HOPE TO STAVE OFF MUTUAL DESTRUCTION END OF FILM.

(She returns to normal.)

ZIP: I told you she would get the gist of it.

PRISCILLA: I don’t think I did. The Earth is in peril?

ZIP: Mortal peril.

PRISCILLA: But… why?

ZIP: Your world has too many questions.

PRISCILLA: Too many questions?

ZOP: Like that one. But it’s okay; it’s not your fault.

ZIP: An answer must be found, and soon.

PRISCILLA: But I don’t know how to fix that.

ZIP: Knowledge is not important. Empathy is important.

ZOP: You hold the emotional resonance of a thousand other humans. We have seen you cry at the television.

ZIP: We have seen you weep over dead birds.

ZOP: We have heard your sobs while you sang along in the shower to particularly forlorn songs.

ZIP: You have what we need, Priscilla. The ability to experience the pain of the world on the deepest, most pure of all levels, and tell us what must be done for us to fix it.

ZOP: You must guide us, Priscilla. To the answer.

PRISCILLA: And if I don’t… everyone dies?

ZOP: Life, as you know it, will cease.

ZIP: You must help us, Priscilla. And tell us what to do.

TWO: Priscilla racks her brain, trying to think of something, anything, to say. But for the moment, all that fills her head are apologies to give. Apologies for failing, apologies for being wrong, apologies for making them come all this way through space when, obviously, she can’t possibly save them.

ONE: And just when she’s about to say it, that she’s sorry for everything but, no, she can’t help anyone, a glimmer of something appears back in her brain–

TWO: In the equation–

ONE: So small that she barely knows it’s there, but reaches anyway–

TWO: And right as she can just almost feel it–

ONE: And has begun to run it through her fingers, she can get it, and–

ZOP: Of course! Brilliant.

PRISCILLA: What?

ZIP: Why didn’t we think of that.

PRISCILLA: I didn’t say anything, though–

ZOP: But you have given us a smart.

ZIP: A very good one, too.

PRISCILLA: How? I didn’t even have it, I