The MisreadBible: Gospel

By J. R. Eldridge

In first century Galilee, a humble carpenter is given some rather unusual news: he is the Son of God! Leaving his home, family, and carpentry business, Jesus of Nazareth travels to Peraea to learn the ways of the Dunker from his barmy hermit cousin John, who has a penchant for plunging people into water.

Returning to Galilee, he calls together a posse of twelve random dudes and begins his father’s mission to preach the Kingdom of God (whatever that means). Along the way, he heals the sick, casts out demons, gives bizarre ranting sermons, and amasses a following. But little does he know that a much bigger destiny awaits him...

• Language: English
• Publisher: J. R. Eldridge
• Release date: Jan 16, 2022
• ISBN: 9781005654085

J. R. Eldridge

J. R. Eldridge is a British satirical fiction author with a fascination for religion and the absurd mythology that surrounds it. He especially enjoys poking fun at it. He began writing joke Bible verses on Twitter, and eventually moved on to writing parodies of Bible stories. He collected some of these in his MisreadBible book series.

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Copyright © 2022 J. R. Eldridge

All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review or scholarly journal.

ISBN 978-1-0056-5408-5

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are either the products of the author's imagination, first century myths written by anonymous scribes who couldn’t sue even if they were still alive because, by now, their work is public domain, or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living, dead, living dead, or incorporeal, or actual events is purely coincidental.

First Printing: 2022

www.misreadbible.com

Cover art and design by M. R. Oakley.

Contents

Preface

Acknowledgements

Introduction

‘Word’ with a Capital B

Ranting in the Wilderness

John the Dunker

The Wood-be Messiah

The Dunker’s Apprentice

The First Temptation of Christ

He’s Not the Messiah!

Return of the Lamb

The Trouble with Priests and Boys

That’s Hardly a Cult!

On the Road to Galilee

Prophet without a Cause

Capers in Capernaum

Fishers of Men

Any Excuse for a Piss up

A Rough Rebuking

Jesus Washes his Bum

He’ll be Fine!

The Lord’s Many Stalkers

A Paralytic Drops in

Slipping into Levi’s

Jesus’s Tight Posse

Spake on a Plain

Jerusalem and Back

Temple Tantrum

Stealing My Shtick!

That Incestuous Bastard!

The Holy Trinity

Jews and Samaritans Don’t Mix!

An In-Nain Miracle

Bigger than John

A Tale of Whores and Loan Sharks

Sowing Wild Oats

The Little Lord in the Boat

Saluting the Little Kernel

Jesus vs Evil Dead

What Does God Need with a Sailboat?

Two Blokes, One Man, and a Legion

The 18-Year-Old Virgin

Cloudy with a Chance of Anchovies

The Holy G-g-ghost

A Pretty Crumby Analogy

Eat It, Shit It, Forget It

Ephphatha!

Hungry Horde

The Yeast of Their Worries

The Passion of the Christ

Some Unspecified Jewish Festival

Go Forth and Testify!

The ‘R’ Word

The Narrow Gate

Sheepgate

Head on a Platter

Mud and Spit

Rise of the Son of Man

Am I the Goat?

Demon Child

The Concussion of Peter

Jesus Gets Salty

Out of the Mouth of Tilapia

Jesus’s Swollen Posse

The Wizard of Chorazin

Jesus Exposes Himself

O Cum, Got a Faceful

Jesus Likes it in the Sheepfold

Regrouping

Beyond the Jordan

Ten Lepers A-Lepering

Harold be Thy Name

Edna Can’t Stand, Jesus

Jesus Wept!

Ruining Dinner

Four Days Dead

Dives into Hades

Lazarus Respawned

Journey to Jerusalem

All the Young Dudes

Jesus Starts to Felafel

A Pygmy up a Tree

Hosanna!

Jesus Turns the Tables

By Whose Authority?

The Example of the Poor Widow

What Massive Stones!

Cruci-Fiction

The Plot Thickens…

The Stench of Death!

Tootsies

The Passover of the Christ

Take This Cup

The Kiss of Death

Blasphemy!

Judas: The Untold Story

Judas is Well-Hung

Pilate’s Court

Praetorium

Jesus Gets Nailed!

The Body of Christ

Resurrection

Nobody There

Fully Risen

Sweet Zombie Jesus!

What a Catch!

Ghost Tells It on the Mountain

Alternative Facts Ending

E.T. the Extra-biblical Tale

Jesus’s Hairy Parabolics

The ‘Friendly’ Samaritan

Seek the Goatman

Blood and Figs

Sheep and Coins

The Prodigal Twat

Unjust Stewart

Sin, Repentance, and Mustard Seeds

Forgive Us Our Debts

A Thankless Task

Persistent Whining

The Pernickety Bridegroom

Author

To my mother who inspired the pygmy story

(on account of her being a short-arse)

Preface

In my continuing effort to secure a place in Hell, I’ve written another book for my MisreadBible series. Indeed, judging by God’s Twitter minions, he’s not happy with me. This book especially seems to have his plums in a twist.

‘How dare you bring my son into this, you slanderous prick!’ he yelled. And he smote my favourite pair of shoes.

I even got an angry letter from his lawyers! I also suspect that Terry the invisible angel might be stalking me…

But what would a series of Bible parodies be without the story of Jesus Christ? Well, for one thing, it’d be a lot shorter… I could have saved myself a lot of time… But I did write that Christmas book, which pretty much opens the door to the whole Jesus narrative…

So anyway… at the risk of being smited… smoten… smittened… at the risk of being deadified by God’s wrathful finger, I decided to undertake the task of writing this book.

The first step was research. Countless gospels have been written about Jesus’s life—only four of which made it into the Bible—but unfortunately, they all seem to contradict each other. It’s difficult to work out much about the historical Jesus (if he existed) based on these conflicting accounts. A lot of his miracles are just repeats of what previous prophets had done, and most of the ‘prophecies’ he’s said to fulfil are either not about the Messiah or not prophecies at all. It’s almost as though the authors were trying really hard to portray him as an archetypical prophet and awkwardly inserted details to fulfil invented prophecies… Almost…

The unnamed authors of Matthew and Luke copied a lot of material from the Gospel of Mark (which is why Mark, Matthew, and Luke are called the Synoptic Gospels), but they fucked around with the order of events, changed certain details, and they both invented completely different nativity stories to reconcile the idea that Jesus was born in Bethlehem but came from Nazareth. The whole thing’s pretty fucking confusing!

John, on the other hand… What can you say about John? That dude was totally tripping balls! Though it seems he was aware of at least some of the other gospels (even pointedly contradicting them), he went off in his own merry direction. While John’s Jesus starts off performing miracles, or ‘signs’ as the author calls them, he spends the rest of his time giving long deranged speeches about how he’s a shepherd made of bread who wants nothing more than to be eaten… Unlike the Synoptics, which have Jesus building his ministry in Galilee, then making his way around the surrounding regions, and eventually travelling to Jerusalem, John has him zipping back and forth to Jerusalem for festivals like some kind of messianic yo-yo!

With all this in mind, trying to combine the four gospels into a single narrative was a tricky task. I read multiple Christian attempts to put the events of Jesus’s life in order (something which they ironically call ‘gospel harmonies’) but ultimately, I thought, ‘Fuck it! If the gospel authors were willing to use shitloads of creative licence, why the hell shouldn’t I?’ So, in order to craft a tale that’s compelling and makes at least a little sense (as much sense as a story about a magical carpenter who later becomes a zombie can make), I shifted some stuff around, filled in some blanks, and left out some of the boring shit.

This might not be the most accurate account of Jesus’s life, and it might offend a certain deity and his sycophants, but it is the greatest story ev— I could manage given the source material.

Acknowledgements

This is the part of writing a book that I really loathe, where I have to show appreciation to the other people, without whom this book wouldn’t be possible. Take a deep breath, J. R. you can get through this…

Firstly, I’d like to thank my supportive friends and family. I have this habit of phoning people up or cornering people when they come to visit and forcing them to listen to my writing. If they don’t look too terrified by the end of it, I know I’m on the right track.

Once again, I’d like to thank M. R. Oakley for his amazing cover. There are so many iconic scenes in the gospels that we could have chosen, we bounced ideas back and forth for months, and I got fed up and yelled, ‘Screw it! Do whatever the fuck you like!’ and he called me a tosser… So, he came back with this, and I’m basically stuck with it! But in all seriousness, he’s done a great job, and I’m proud to show off my book adorned with his artwork.

Mr Oakley is also the artist behind the web comic The Shattered (https://www.shattered.cc).

Thank you to Kim for proofraeding this buk (eksept for this paeg. I’m shore it’ll bee fine), enshoring that its reedable and luks proffesional.;

Thanks to my online followers who banter with me on Twitter. Knowing that there are people who enjoy my humour encourages me to keep writing. It honestly makes my day whenever somebody tells me that a joke of mine has brightened theirs.

And finally, I’d like to thank Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John; I really couldn’t have written this book without you. Working tirelessly whether it was sunny or raining, day or night, you delivered the pizzas that meant I could sit tapping away at my computer instead of cooking. I appreciate you guys so much!

Introduction

‘Word’ with a Capital B

Luke 1

Since many people seem to be writing gospels nowadays, I thought I might give it a go; seems like fun. ² I have investigated this matter thoroughly, relying mostly on rumour, speculation, and some shit I just made up off the top of my head. ³ Though some of the other writers claim to be eyewitnesses to Jesus, I assure you, my most excellent, Theophalluses, ⁴ I know better than they do, which is why I contradict them so frequently.

John 1

¹ In the beginning, was the Word, and the Word was ‘Bird’, and everybody heard that the Bird was the Word. ² Now, the Bird was with God in the beginning, and he aided him in creating the Heavens and the Earth. ³ In fact, without him, nothing would have been possible.

⁴ When God breathed life into all of mankind, he was actually snowballing Bird semen, ⁵ for the Bird was the source of all life and the light that shines in the darkness. Incidentally, this is why the Holy Spirit is often depicted as a dove.

⁶ There once was a man called John, who came to bring people light; ⁷ he was a lamp salesman. ⁸ Please understand, he himself wasn’t a lamp but merely a salesman who sold lamps. ⁹ Only the Bird was a lamp, or rather, a light: the true light that gives light to the whole world; kind of like the Sun. ¹⁰ In fact, you probably would go blind if you stared at him; kind of like the Sun. But the Bird isn’t the Sun. ¹¹ Even his own people—presumably birdpeople—wouldn’t receive him. ¹² But anyone who does receive him becomes a child, ¹³ not by natural means, but by weird magical means.

¹⁴ So, anyway, one day, the Bird became flesh, which is a euphemism for an incorporeal sex act resulting in a pregnant virgin.

¹⁵ Just ask John, who testified to the truth of this tale shortly before he was committed.

‘This is exactly what I told you was going to happen!’ he raved. ¹⁶ ‘Why the hell didn’t you listen to me? Please don’t put me in that padded room! ¹⁷ Jesus is a Bird, I tell you! ¹⁸ No one has ever seen his true form, but I’m telling you, he’s a fucking Bird!’

🟌 🟌 🟌

In case you found that introduction confusing, allow me to begin again. The narrator clears his throat.

During the reign of King Herod the Great, there was a woman named Mary who lived in Nazareth, Galilee. She was engaged to a bloke named Joseph, but before they had completed their betrothal, Mary was impregnated by God. Her fiancé was furious and planned to leave her, but luckily, an angel told him that God was the baby daddy and convinced him to stay with Mary.

At that time, the Roman Emperor Augustus, under whom Herod was client king, decreed that a census would be taken, requiring everyone to return to the town of their ancestors… for some reason... So, Joseph took his pregnant fiancée to Bethlehem in Judaea. Weirdly enough, they were already living in Bethlehem at the time (despite the fact that they lived in Nazareth), making the census as a pretext to get them down to Bethlehem entirely unnecessary (see, I told you it was going to be less confusing).

So anyway, after an adventure involving shepherds, choirs of angels, some magi, and an extremely tired donkey, a magical baby was born whom his parents named Yeshua (later renamed Jesus after Mary’s gardener who abruptly left town when he found she was with child).

Now Herod, believing Jesus was destined to be the king of the Jews, sent his men to kill all of the male infants in Bethlehem. However, the angel came to warn Joseph that the king had gone all infanticidal, and so Joseph and Mary fled to Egypt. Phew!

After the death of Herod in 4 BCE, the Herodian Kingdom of Judaea was divided into a tetrarchy, with three of his children and his sister Salome I ruling a kingdom each. Archelaus ruled over Judaea, Samaria, and Idumaea; Antipas ruled Galilee and Peraea; Philip ruled the territories north and east of the Jordan; and Salome I ruled Jamnia.

When the angel told Joseph it was safe to return home, he decided that, rather than going back home to Bethlehem—which is, if you remember, where they started out—he’d go back home to Nazareth—which is, if you remember, where they started out.

Little is known about Jesus’s childhood years. By some accounts, they were fairly ordinary for a Galilean Jew of the time, but by others, they were filled with magic and wonder, with young Jesus fashioning birds out of clay and bringing them to life, healing a guy who chopped off his own foot, and murdering two children…

For some reason, none of these marvellous tales made it into the Bible.

In 6 CE, Archelaus was removed from his position by the Roman Emperor Augustus, and his territory became the Roman province of Judaea, while the other territories continued to be ruled by the Herodians.

When Augustus died in 14 CE, his stepson Tiberius became emperor, and it’s fifteen years into his reign that our story begins…

Ranting in the Wilderness

John the Dunker

Mark 1:2-8; Matthew 3:1-12; Luke 3:1-20

In the fifteenth year of the reign of Tiberius Caesar, there was a man named John living in the wilderness of Judaea near the Jordan river, where he dressed in a camel skin coat and ate nothing but locusts and bees.

His parents, Zechariah the priest and Elizabeth, were both extremely pious, but his mother was unable to conceive. However, an angel called Gabriel interceded on Zechariah’s behalf, which I think is a euphemism for sticking it to his wife, and so Elizabeth fell pregnant.

Due to the miraculous nature of John’s birth, his parents were convinced that he was the Messiah, so his father wanted to prepare him for the burdensome task. By five years old, John was studying the scriptures, by ten, the Mishnah, and at thirteen, the commandments. He had to adhere strictly to the Torah, and his father often had him recite passages from memory. He also had to help his father at the temple several times a week.

By his mid-teens, the pressure was becoming too much for the boy, so he ran off to the wilderness to live on his own.

After years of isolation, John had grown into a socially awkward hermit. He remained alone most of the time, but he would sometimes strap on a sandwich board reading Repent, the end is nigh! and venture into the nearby town of Bethabara (aka Bethany) and stand on street corners hurling abuse at passers-by. People came from miles around to listen to his inane ranting, much to his annoyance.

On one occasion, some of the onlookers followed him back to his hovel on the bank of the Jordan. When John emerged to find a crowd gathered around him, he was absolutely livid!

‘You brood of vipers!’ he screeched. ‘Get the hell away from me!’ And he began grabbing people and violently dunking them into the water.

Unfortunately, the crowd thought that this was some kind of purification ritual, and so they queued up to be dunked. They even began bringing others to be dunked, which infuriated John even more.

Soon, word spread of the great preacher known as John the Dunker, and followers came from far and wide, leaving behind their families and possessions to live with him by the River Jordan in a commune around his shed, despite his protestation.

🟌 🟌 🟌

Even after he’d amassed a vast following, John would still go out to the city to preach. Frankly, it was a relief to get away from his disciples. He stood in the streets of Bethabara raving, ‘Beware, the wrath of God is coming for you! Don’t think that your father Abraham will save you! You’re all going to be mown down and cast into the fire like diseased trees!’

His audience was terrified. ‘What can we do?’ they cried. ‘How can we be saved?’

John answered, ‘If anyone has two shirts, put one of them on your donkey. If you have too much food, go out and feed the bears.’

‘And this will save us from God’s wrath?’ they asked in puzzlement.

A man called out to him, ‘I’m a taxman. What should I do?’

‘Stop extorting money from people!’ screamed John.

‘But I don’t—’ protested the man.

‘Yes, you do! You go around making false accusations and hoarding money in your big mansion! You’re a vile sinner and you will be burned!’

The rest of the people began to boo the man and pelt him with rancid fruit.

‘But… but—’ whined the man, trying to shield himself.

A woman shouted, ‘Are you the Messiah?’

John answered, ‘I immerse my followers in water, but know this, a man is coming who is more powerful than I! He will immerse you in fire! He has huge horns, he carries a pitchfork, and he will burn you with his unquenchable flames like chaff!’

‘Who?’ gasped the woman.

He thrust out his finger accusingly and yelled, ‘Jebediah the farmer!’

They turned to look at Jebediah who was quietly chewing a stalk of corn at the back of the pack. He gulped sharply and scarpered, pursued by angry villagers.

John chuckled to himself and returned to his camp by the River Jordan.

Thus, fulfilling the prophecy from the Book of Isaiah:

‘Somewhere in the desert,

There’s a voice calling out to be heard,

Of a preacher dressed as a camel,

Ranting teachings from the good word.

‘Make way for the Messiah!

Gonna baptise you with his fire,

And he knows all the filthy things that you have done in the dark!

‘Gonna bridge the valleys.

Gonna plane down the mountains and hills.

Gonna make his paths straight,

With his messianic carpentry skills.

‘Make way for the Messiah!

As foretold by the prophet Isaiah,

With a smidgen of Malachi, but only in the Book of Mark.’

The Wood-be Messiah

At that time, there was a thirty-year-old man named Jesus living in the village of Nazareth, Galilee with his widowed mother Mary, his brothers James, Joseph, Judas, and Simon, and two unnamed sisters.

His father Joseph had been a carpenter who owned a company called Joseph and Sons. Their slogan was, ‘If you give us wood, we’ll nail anything!’ When Joseph died at the ripe old age of 111, Jesus, as his eldest son, took over the family business, and he and his brothers supported their mother and sisters.

One day, Jesus was in his workshop finishing a cabinet he was making for a local fish merchant, when an angel of the Lord appeared before him.

‘Don’t be afraid,’ said the angel. ‘My name is Gabriel.’

The carpenter turned and screamed.

‘I’m… sorry…’ stammered Gabriel. ‘I didn’t mean to give you a fright…’

Jesus continued screaming as he grabbed his foot in pain.

The angel looked down. The mortal had stepped on a board with a nail sticking through it, and it had gone right through his foot. He sighed, removed the nail from Jesus’s foot, and closed the wound with a wave of his hand. Then he announced, ‘I’m here to deliver a very important message.’

The carpenter ignored him and yelled, ‘Holy fuck, that hurts like a mother! I can’t think of anything worse than getting a nail through my foot! I’m just glad I didn’t trip and get the pissing thing through my hand! Jesus Christ, that smarted!’ He took off his sandal and inspected the sole. ‘And look! These are my favourite sandals and now they have a bloody hole in them! They cost me two shekels!’

‘Ahem!’ coughed the angel.

‘What?’ retorted Jesus looking up at him.

The figure before him was a man with hair like golden strands of sunlight. He wore a brilliant white robe, and his whole body shone like a weasel that had inexplicably caught fire.

‘I’m here to deliver a very important message,’ repeated the angel.

Jesus looked over at his polishing rag and groaned, ‘I knew I should have cracked the window before I started varnishing! The fumes must have gone to my head. Not to mention the blood loss…’ He lifted his foot to examine the injury. ‘Where’s the bloody wound?’

‘I healed it.’

‘Fuck off, hallucination! I’m trying to perform first aid!’

‘I assure you, I’m quite real,’ swore Gabriel.

‘Oh, yeah? Prove it!’

The angel thought for a moment and then kicked him in the balls.

‘Hey,’ spluttered Jesus, clutching his throbbing genitals. ‘What the fuck was that for?’

‘You asked me to prove that I was real!’

‘You could have just slapped me, or even just touched my arm!’

‘Hmm,’ sighed Gabriel, ‘that didn’t occur to me.’

‘Anyway,’ groaned the carpenter, trying to stand up straight, ‘what were you saying about a message?’

The angel sighed and said, ‘Your mother never told you what happened to your father.’

‘Joseph? He died nine years ago…’

‘Actually, your father is quite alive!’

‘If that’s the case, it was a huge fucking mistake burying him!’

‘No,’ replied Gabriel, ‘God is your father.’

‘No! That’s not true! That’s impossible!’

‘Search your feelings, you know it to be true!’

‘Hmm, I’m still kind of sceptical…’ grumbled Jesus. He sat down. ‘Explain it to me.’

‘Oh, well, you see,’ replied the angel seating himself opposite him, ‘when a man and a woman are very much in love—’

‘No,’ snapped Jesus, ‘I know all that. I meant me specifically. How is God my father?’

‘Ah… well, erm… one night when God was very drunk, he let his Holy Spirit come upon your mother… and to make a long story short, nine months later, you were born.’

The carpenter was astonished. ‘So that means—’

‘Yes,’ interjected Gabriel, ‘you are the Messiah, the Son of God.’

‘I wasn’t going to say that!’ spat Jesus. ‘I was going to say that all those times I taunted Joseph by saying, Fuck you, you’re not my real dad! it was actually true! No wonder he got so upset!’

‘Okay…’ grumbled the angel. ‘But getting back to the whole Son of God thing—’

‘Wait a second,’ interrupted Jesus. ‘Does this mean I get special powers and shit?’

‘Well, yes. But you don’t seem to understand—’

‘Is that why when I found that guy who chopped off his foot when I was a kid, he grew it back when I touched him?’

‘Yes…’

‘And why those birds I made from clay as a toddler came to life?’

‘Yeah…’

‘And why I was born with a tail that my mother had to get removed?’

‘No, actually, that was a birth defect. Your mother is part circus freak on her father’s side.’

‘Oh,’ replied Jesus. ‘What about—’

‘Look,’ barked the angel, ‘God has sent me to tell you that he has a special plan for you! Now, will you shut up and let me explain?’

‘Fine. Tell me.’

‘Your father wants you to spread his message throughout the land that people should be ashamed of themselves because