If School Desks Could Speak

By Miroslava Christesen

If School Desks Could Speak is a collection of true, humorous, and heartening vignettes from the classrooms of middle- and high-school students on both sides of the Atlantic. From being addressed as `babe' to finding a father's personal item glowing in the dark; from dodging flying spitballs to flying business class; from confiscating s

• Language: English
• Publisher: Book Vine Press
• Release date: Jan 10, 2022
• ISBN: 9781956896534

Miroslava Christesen

Miroslava Christesen is a master teacher and award-winning educator with an international teaching career. She graduated from Charles University (Prague, Czech Republic) with a PhD equivalency in English and Russian. Her first job was a reporter in the English section of Radio Prague. After marrying an American opera singer, she taught English at the high school and college level in Germany. She moved to the USA in 1985 and continued to teach English and worked as academically gifted resource teacher at several middle and high schools in the Raleigh area. For her work with students and for her contributions to Wake County curriculum development, she has received numerous recognitions including Wake County and North Carolina Academically Gifted Teacher of the Year, Wake Forest Rotary Humanitarian of the Year, and NC Middle School Character Educator of the Year. In 2016 the governor of North Carolina awarded her the prestigious Order of the Long Leaf Pine award. In this book, her second published work, she shares personal observations and experiences from her over thirty years of classroom teaching on both hemispheres.

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Dedication

To Niko and Mia, our wonderful grandchildren,

and to Jana and Lee, who gave them to us

Acknowledgements

The tales in this book are a compilation of events that have actually occurred in one of the countries where I was a teacher-- in the United States of America, Germany, and the Czech Republic, former Czechoslovakia. Also the individuals you will meet on the following pages are not a product of my imagination. They are real people who, more than in one way, touched my life. Most of their names, however, have been changed to protect the privacy of the guilty.

My thanks go to these students, parents, teachers, and administrators who were an inspiration for this book and who made me grow as an educator and a human being when their lives were so inextricably intertwined with mine. Special thanks to my husband, Robert Christesen, who patiently read the entire manuscript in its early stages and who encouraged me to have it published. Furthermore, I am sincerely indebted to Dr. Jim Clark, North Carolina State University professor emeritus, for kindly looking over my manuscript. Last but certainly not least, I would like to thank my dad for his helpful suggestions and both of my parents for always believing in me.

Contents

Dedication

Acknowledgements

Prologue

The Babe

Don’t You Know Biology?

Tulips for Teacher

It Glows in the Dark

Ghost Story

Jacob the Thumb Sucker

The Bad Book

A Scientist in the Making

No Way Will You Be an Old Lady

When Lightning Strikes

Sunflowers

Tanya the Threshold Note-Taker

The Chocolate Cake

What’s up, Man?

Where Is Your Teacher?

The Napkin

Everything’s Under Control

A Long Workday

The Memorable Vocabulary Quiz

Original Decorations

On Both Sides of the Atlantic

The Special Christmas Tree

She Should Not Be Saying Anything Twice

Freddy the Announcer

She Told Me to Flush It Down the Toilet

Get That Smirk off Your Face!

Love beyond the Grave

We Can Do It

What Language Do You Speak at Home?

Will It Hurt My Baby?

We Were Smoking!

An Upgrade

The Lives Lost

The Girl with a Shoulder Bite

Who Made the Puddle?

The Policeman with Night-Black Eyes

Tons of Things in a Locker

The Flowerbed Memorial

The Pinch in the Butt

Jennifer

Tenacious Tyler

Isaac

Epilogue

Prologue

Although teachers may hold the future in their hands, as the lofty saying goes, their days are not packed with monumental, ground-breaking events. Although they never quite know what surprises may come their way, most of the time teachers’ days are flowing rather predictably. Then, why write stories about school? Will anybody be interested in reading them? I am not certain, but I do know that oftentimes when people found out that I was a teacher, they asked for stories about school, especially about my students. Then again, the stories in this book may not be your everyday school stories; I share the most memorable ones with the hope that they include situations which will make you think and take you by surprise.

Once I shared one of my school experiences, I was almost always asked to tell more. It did not matter what age the audience might have been. Just recently this came up again. Eight-year-old Husnah, the granddaughter of a friend of mine, begged to hear more and more stories from school. To my amazement, she actually asked to be told her favorite story over and over again. Even in Germany, when I was having a snack in a café with women in their twenties, with whom I took a course of cosmetology many years ago, I was asked, Frau Christesen, please, tell us some more stories about school in America. Finally, at my annual class reunions in Prague, the Czech Republic, stories from our own middle school days as well as from my American school experience are often a welcome commodity.

Perhaps people want to hear school stories because almost everyone, with the exception of home-schooled children, has gone to school at some time. Thus, everyone has an opinion about school and can relate to the subject. How many times have I heard, You teach middle school? I don’t know how you do it. You must have nerves of steel. Personally, I think teaching middle school is easier than high school and I know folks who agree with me. After witnessing a couple of high school boys in action during a short school break, the father who came by to pick up his daughter said, Working with these youngsters is pretty rough. My daughter tells me about some of their brazen antics and that you don’t teach your students just academics. You teach them also manners. Thank you. You have earned yourselves a place in Heaven.

So, allow me to put my tales from the trenches to a test. See if I can interest you in opening that heavy door once again and in stepping into school hallways and classrooms the way I experienced them. Are you interested in finding out what happened to a high school senior who addressed his teacher as ‘babe’? Do you want to find out with what words a seventh grade boy made his teacher lose her cool? Care to unveil what punishment a parent had in store for his son who went a little too far with his quiz decorations? Would you like to take a peek into a boy’s locker? Are your school experiences similar to mine? I have said it as I experienced it as a teacher. But what if school desks could speak, what would these silent witnesses of school life’s pulse say?

The Babe

It is a sunny fall day and the morning bell at Broughton High School is about to ring any time. I look over my homeroom students and notice with satisfaction that most of them are in their seats chatting softly while some are studying or trying to complete their homework. An occasional outburst of laughter interrupts the steady hum of their voices. Apparently, they are sharing some latest gossip.

Did you know that Shelley broke up with Eddie?

No way! I saw them together at the game just last Thursday…

The shrilling sound of the tardy bell interrupts the conversation of the two junior girls concerned about Shelley’s love life.

Good morning, students and staff. The assistant principal’s voice sounds as energetic as always. It is Tuesday, November 14th. Welcome to the morning announcements.

When checking attendance, I notice that Chuck, one of the few seniors in my homeroom, has not yet arrived. Here, for a fraction of the day, kids of all grade levels, nine through twelve, meet with the idea to form a family, as it were. It is based on the premise that seniors will set a good example to the younger students and will possibly become study buddies. Of all people, senior Chuck is not here; yet his worn out navy book bag is unmistakably in his seat.

I step outside of the classroom and notice that the hallway is empty, except for five students standing in a circle involved in a discussion. One of them is indeed Chuck, obviously entertaining everybody. The basketball player is the tallest of the group. When I come closer, I say, Excuse me, Chuck, but it’s after the bell. You need to be in the classroom. Everybody, go to your class now!

His nonchalant response I’ll be right in there, babe. takes me by surprise. Of course, I know about Americans being less formal than Europeans, but this goes too far. For a second, I am not sure if I misunderstood, but Chuck’s facial expression, the laughter dancing in his eyes, and the rambunctious roar of his buddies reassure me that I heard correctly.

I don’t believe what I am hearing. Is this the proper way to talk to a teacher?

No, ma’am, says Chuck still looking directly in my eyes.

I don’t find this amusing and I don’t want to ever hear you say that again or I’ll call your parents. Do you understand?

Yes, ma’am.

From the corner of my eye, I notice that Chuck gives another boy a five and follows me into the classroom.

Next morning everyone gathers in the classroom as usual in preparation for the new day, except for Chuck. Again, he is nowhere to be seen. When I ask the students about him, Sean offers an answer that is to calm me down. "Don’t mark him absent, Mrs. Christesen, He is here.

I saw him earlier. He popped in like five minutes ago and put his book bag at his desk. See, it’s right there."

Oh, Mrs. Christesen, Chuck said he had to see Coach Peters about the basketball game tonight, adds long-haired Lori, the cheerleader.

I think I have a few minutes to go to the media center before the bell, and so I step into the hallway. Roaring laughter sweeps my way from afar. At the end of the hallway Chuck is entertaining his group of admirers. Going to the media center can wait. I approach Chuck and say:

I don’t believe you are here again. The bell is about to ring. We had this same conversation yesterday. I’ll be doing the final attendance check in a minute, so let’s go to the classroom.

I turn around, hoping he will follow, but what I hear instead is I’ll be right in, babe.

Without saying a word this time, I go to my classroom. Chuck enters a moment after me and takes his seat. We come in just in time to hear the principal’s voice saying, And this brings us to the end of the morning announcements. Have a world-class day.

Later that afternoon I call Chuck’s parents.

This is Mrs. Christesen, Chuck’s Homeroom teacher. I am calling you, Sir, to ask you for assistance. Today and the day before, when I asked your son to come to the classroom in the morning, he said he would be right in there and called me ‘babe’.

What did he call you, ma’am?

Babe.

Thrown out of balance by the silence on the other side, I feel compelled to elaborate, Well, where I come from, Sir, it is not considered an appropriate form to address a teacher.

Immediately I hear Chuck’s father agreeing, It is not considered a proper form of address for a teacher, where I come from either. I assure you, ma’am, that he won’t call you that no more. I’ll have a word with Master Chuck about the ‘babe’ business as soon as he gets home this afternoon.

Next morning, Chuck is indeed sitting at his desk way before the bell. Several boys and